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    #1

    Just need to get it out

    :new:

    I keep telling myself I'm a normal twenty something. I tell myself it's my generation, that drinking has become a social activity and I'm just caught up in it. I tell myself that because I don't crave alcohol in the morning, that I don't like to drink during the day that I'm okay. But the truth is when I finish off a bottle of wine alone in my room all I want is more. I've snuck into my roommates wine countless times just so I could have another glass. Most of the time I'm not satisfied until I black out and pass out.

    There have been countless mornings where I wake up with that feeling of regret, guilt, shame, you all know the feeling. I tell myself that I just had a little too much this time, that next time I won't have that extra glass (or glasses). I take a day off and pat myself on the back and then reward myself with another bottle the next night. I don't reek of booze going into work, I'm there on time and everyone thinks I have it together. Then there are the rare days where I'm puking in the bathroom I'm so hungover. Again with the shame and guilt.

    Going out with my friends I always question how much I'm drinking, try to control it. There have been times where I can keep it under control around them, only have a couple beers, pretend to be drinking when I'm just having a glass of water with a lime in it. I don't want to be that person. Lately I'm more content with staying in, drinking at home and being antisocial.

    One of my closest friends got married last year and at and after the rehearsal dinner I blacked out, was swigging whiskey from a bottle with other people in the wedding party. All when I had to be up at 7am the next morning for the wedding. I don't remember much but woke up with vomit in the sink and the worst hangover I've had in years. The only silver lining was I was sober the whole wedding and remember the day.

    I want to be able to drink socially and not black out, I want to stop drinking at home altogether. I live with two guys who drink a bottle of wine each a night and we all joke about being alcoholics but laugh it off. Coming home each night and trying not to have a drink at home is going to get harder and harder. I want to do it though.

    I want to be able to go out for a few drinks with my friends and not feel guilty about it. I want to stop blacking out. I want to stop feeling guilty and ashamed. I want to stop feeling this need to get blacked out to numb my depression, anxiety, everything. I want to be stronger than this.

    My first goal is to be 30 days sober. My second is to stop drinking at home altogether. I don't know if I can do it but I know I want to. Any support, words of encouragement, of hope would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I can't tell anyone just how bad this is.
    ?Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.?- Henry David Thoreau
    Tags: None
    #2
    Just need to get it out

    IDA.

    Jeezus. You just wrote me down to an absolute fecking T. Pretty much every single word you wrote was me.

    Well, welcome, I'm writing from work, so will catch up with you later but just to say :welcome: and you have arrived in an awesome place that you can give you the tools so as YOU lead your life and not the habit and cravings of drinking.

    Speak soon -

    RC

    Comment

      #3
      Just need to get it out

      IDA - hello again.

      First off, I think you need to congratulate yourself. Pause - think about what you have just written, what YOU REALISE about yourself, about your, your flatmates, perhaps some of your friends and definitely society's embracing and "acceptance" of booze and drinking. YOU have realised this. That takes a wee bit of nous.

      That's point 1.

      Point 2 - you posted here. That, in my humble opinion, takes guts. SO MANY who have an issue with alcohol (and I'm not here to give each of our issue a name, only to recognise that SOMETHING, some realisation that our relatinoship with AL was not as good as we once thought, brought us here) do not have the guts to reach out. You did. That bodes very well for recovery - whatever you decide "recovery" is for you.

      OK, I could go on and on, but I realise that I might scare you off if type too much info at this point.

      Final point, have you found the newbies nest or the tool box yet? I'll put links below for you. Also, if you want to PM me at any time with any questions, rants, etc. just do so. I'm only a little older than you (early 30's) and your story sure does ring true to me.

      OK - here's the links: Newbies nest

      Tool box

      Keep reading, keep posting -

      RC

      Comment

        #4
        Just need to get it out

        I used to be that way, too. Then work got really stressful and I started drinking earlier and earlier in the afternoon, or I'd have a beer with lunch or something. Over the last year I have progressed to drinking most of the day every day.

        Except today. Today was my Day 1 of being alcohol free. I, too, want to be completely sober for a while, then see if I can control it better. Come on, we'll do it together. The great folks over at the newbie nest got me through it. I checked in every hour with an affirmation post of why I was choosing to quit drinking.

        Good luck!
        Well it's all right now. I've learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself.

        Comment

          #5
          Just need to get it out

          Thank you Siren! I'm on day 3 today- one day at a time. But I will say last night I felt great going to bed, knowing I wouldn't wake up hungover and not remembering much of the night before. Woke up this morning feeling good, it's nice to actually have a real night's sleep instead of passing out and calling it sleep. Please keep me posted on your progress as well, it's nice to have someone to do this with!
          ?Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.?- Henry David Thoreau

          Comment

            #6
            Just need to get it out

            InDreams,

            Welcome to MWO. You have found a very good and supportive place to start your recovery.

            Your story is all too familiar to most of us.

            You have taken a first step, which is a big one.

            If you want to try for moderation, I would read in the meds threads to see if there might be some ideas that pique your interest. People have used Topamax, Naltrexone and Baclofen to help them achieve their goals.

            Most of the people on this website end up realizing that abstinence is their only way, HOWEVER, there are some here who have been able to successfully moderate. Only you can be the judge of what will work in the end.

            There is a monthly moderation section as well as the meds section you may want to check out.

            I can tell you that I am glad you realize so early on that you do have a problem. No matter what, unchecked, an addiction to alcohol only gets worse and worse.

            Poke around and ask questions. All of us will be glad to help if we can.

            Cindi
            AF April 9, 2016

            Comment

              #7
              Just need to get it out

              In dreams: welcome!

              I hope you like this place and find information as well as support here. I tried a few things that other members found successful and sure was glad that I did found the site! Please keep trying until you succeed!
              Alcoholic (or Ally)

              "Only a fool knows everything.
              A wise man knows how little he knows."

              Please feel free to block/ignore my posts through your control panel.

              Comment

                #8
                Just need to get it out

                Hi In Dreams and OMG!!
                Like RC Your story is EXACTLY like mine ... With the exception of I lived with just one guy roommate and he didn't drink like me...

                But here's the kicker InDreams...I'm 50 years old now and I wish I wish I wish more than ANYTHING that I had been smart and self aware as you

                Words fail to tell you the despair I so often feel for a lost life...opportunities spent lieing in bed, making excuses, chasing the wrong dreams, the wrong people ....but I am truly encouraged and happy that you are finding your way.

                There are some 20 something's here as well who are struggling but completely acknowledge theybned to solve the AL problem.

                This is simply the best place for you, for us.

                Stay close.

                :l:h
                On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

                Comment

                  #9
                  Just need to get it out

                  Thank you everyone for the encouraging words and support. I didn't know it would be this hard! I loved thinking I had control of this instead of it controlling me. Today is day 3 AF and it started off positive but as soon as I got to work I was an irritable bitch. Of course I can't tell anyone here what I'm going through. I think what I hate is that everyday is more and more sobering- I'm looking back on things I've done and and am just digging deeper and deeper into the mistakes I've made. Thankfully so far the only person I've hurt is myself, but that's also hard to swallow.

                  Again thank you much much for the support! I'm looking at the suggested pages and am coming on here more and more knowing what an amazing group this is.
                  ?Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.?- Henry David Thoreau

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Just need to get it out

                    Yey on Day three!! :bday3:

                    I was bitch central at the beginning. My kids thought I was Joan Crawford whom I gave a run for her money believe me- wire hangers aside

                    I am still pretty bitchy but as I get further and further away form AL I recognize when I've had enough and I simply retreat into my bedroom with my mint tea and my Star Trek...

                    Also Dreams, I know the delving into the past mistake and feeling so sick but please please please think about having 25 years of grab bag regrets as opposed to ...well not certain how long you have been drinking but certainly less than 10....

                    Sounds trite I know but super true.

                    :l
                    On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                    *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                    https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                    https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Just need to get it out

                      I think being a bit younger has a particular downside that we can let ourselves think "I'm too young to be here" or "I'm young enough, I'll deal with it later..." From what i read and hear from good friends here who are a wee bit wiser, a wee bit more sage, is that "dealing with it later" aint dealing with it tomorrow, next week or even next year... but dealing with it when we wake up once 10,15,20 years have passed having lived them in a haze of false highs and haggard hangovers...

                      There is definitely a wee congratulatory clap for those wise enough to find themselves here to help themselves be who they really are, rather than hiding in rooms alone lost in a bottle.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Just need to get it out

                        So I definitely thought I was going to crack tonight. Annoyed at work, annoyed with a guy in my life, and then annoyed that all I could do was think about going home and getting lost in a bottle. Didn't help that my roommates (who I let know I wasn't drinking for awhile and who were very supportive) have a guest in town and they ordered about 5 bottles of wine. Did I want a glass? Of course. Did I know it would do nothing to help me feel better? Yes, which is why I had a few glasses of water and poured myself a cup of sleepy time tea and went to my room to catch up on Arrow. Day 3- done!
                        ?Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.?- Henry David Thoreau

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Just need to get it out

                          InDreamsAwake;1445923 wrote: So I definitely thought I was going to crack tonight. Annoyed at work, annoyed with a guy in my life, and then annoyed that all I could do was think about going home and getting lost in a bottle. Didn't help that my roommates (who I let know I wasn't drinking for awhile and who were very supportive) have a guest in town and they ordered about 5 bottles of wine. Did I want a glass? Of course. Did I know it would do nothing to help me feel better? Yes, which is why I had a few glasses of water and poured myself a cup of sleepy time tea and went to my room to catch up on Arrow. Day 3- done!
                          YAY you! That's terrific! I'm wrapping up day 2 and - not surprisingly - cant sleep. I'm going to go take some OTC sleeping assistance.
                          Well it's all right now. I've learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Just need to get it out

                            IndreamsAwake! It is wonderful that you decided to post here. Your decision to stay sober is wonderful. The very fact that you have started questioning your relationship with alcohol at such a tender age ( relative) bodes well.

                            At MWO you will find a lot of people maybe older than you, who are doing the same - realising that their relationship with alcohol was very destructive and then trying to make things better. Most of us learned this the hard way and now have a wee bit regret for awakening late. So for you, it is wonderful.

                            Stay close.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Just need to get it out

                              InDreamsAwake;1445923 wrote: So I definitely thought I was going to crack tonight. Annoyed at work, annoyed with a guy in my life, and then annoyed that all I could do was think about going home and getting lost in a bottle. Didn't help that my roommates (who I let know I wasn't drinking for awhile and who were very supportive) have a guest in town and they ordered about 5 bottles of wine. Did I want a glass? Of course. Did I know it would do nothing to help me feel better? Yes, which is why I had a few glasses of water and poured myself a cup of sleepy time tea and went to my room to catch up on Arrow. Day 3- done!
                              Awesome - stay strong. You've definitely got the courage and strength to do the for yourself.

                              RC

                              Comment

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