Hi all,
I came across the site looking up getting off alcohol, i'm still in bad shape and trying to taper off after my last relapse. About 2 years ago I went into rehab for a detox. Alcoholism is weird,it takes some people immediately, other it creeps up on.
I was a social drinker, for the most part. Never did anything crazy or hurt anyone or anything illegal. Over the course of my 20's I guess i developed the disease. Some people in AA talk of being born with it, might be true for some. What confuses me is how it latches on to you and then you start to have problems.
What started as a drinking career of beer and spirits with friends changed over a period of years to where I am now, an alcoholic aged 29. After rehab my mum said to me once 'I'm glad we caught it early' - still makes me smile considering what I've learnt about this disease. This filthy, disgusting, devious disease that grips to you and won't let go. It doesn't care what age you are, it has no preference, it wants you dead
AA was and is amazing, my life after rehab was incredible. New job, money, girlfriend, food, shelter, all the things we can sometimes take for granted. All what was promised in the rooms came true, so why did i pick up after 15 months? My brain said to me you're cured. What a huge lie I told myself. The next week I lost a stone in weight (14 pounds). I had 4 glasses of wine, enjoyed the party I was at, thought I was free from the disease then drank a litre of vodka a day for 6 days. Yeah, I was cured. Total lie.
Time passed. Things got better, i'd learnt my lesson right? then i picked up again. Drank for 2 consecutive nights, didn't get a craving so i once again thought I was cured. After new year 2013 i picked up. This disease, this ism, is the killer. As they say in the rooms, alcoholism, not wasm, if that makes sense
It is present, it is a killer, it always wants you back. The pain i cause my family is almost unforgiveable. I never harmed them physically but the emotional pain is probably worse. My mum recently found me in our front porch face down in my own vomit, what kind of person does that to their family? The thing is, I'm not a bad person, I'm kind and generous, full of love, positive. Put a drink in me and eventually all of that will be gone. It sucks the life out of people.
My dad used to say to me 'if you don't buy the vodka you won't drink it' - yeah that's not gonna work for me as i'm going to the store to buy drink. The mental obsession. My god, its horrific, the craving is so powerful. I would talk to myself, telling myself that this was a bad idea but ended up pushing the F IT button. Why? I am still in pain, still craving, drinking a bit to keep me level. I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy.
Pride, arrogance, complacency all play a part. Will power just doesn't cut it. It does not work. As a catholic the god thing has never been a problem for me, i will always believe, despite the horrible situation I'm in. Gotta get back to the rooms, work the steps, as they say. Acceptance is one thing, sure it's important, but admission is another. The sheer denial, the mourning of the past, how life is never going to have drink is sad. I grieve this fact as it used to be a nice thing in my life, many good memories.
I didn't drink to fit in, i liked the effect it had. I still do now. People in AA often talk about drinking to change the way they felt. Wasn't always true for me. Sure, my parents terrible marriage made me drink but that was still my choice. I thought why not, I don't care. That's the weird thing, it changes me into a lying scumbag.
Suppose i better wrap up this rant of mine. Thank you for reading, not entirely sure how i'm gonna get out of this situation. AA works, i guess i haven't hit rock bottom yet. Not everyone needs to, but my consistent relapses are ruining my life. Once the physical effects wear off, life is amazing again, then AA and being sober is truly wonderful. I hope this has helped anyone who has felt this way, my thanks again, good luck.
I came across the site looking up getting off alcohol, i'm still in bad shape and trying to taper off after my last relapse. About 2 years ago I went into rehab for a detox. Alcoholism is weird,it takes some people immediately, other it creeps up on.
I was a social drinker, for the most part. Never did anything crazy or hurt anyone or anything illegal. Over the course of my 20's I guess i developed the disease. Some people in AA talk of being born with it, might be true for some. What confuses me is how it latches on to you and then you start to have problems.
What started as a drinking career of beer and spirits with friends changed over a period of years to where I am now, an alcoholic aged 29. After rehab my mum said to me once 'I'm glad we caught it early' - still makes me smile considering what I've learnt about this disease. This filthy, disgusting, devious disease that grips to you and won't let go. It doesn't care what age you are, it has no preference, it wants you dead
AA was and is amazing, my life after rehab was incredible. New job, money, girlfriend, food, shelter, all the things we can sometimes take for granted. All what was promised in the rooms came true, so why did i pick up after 15 months? My brain said to me you're cured. What a huge lie I told myself. The next week I lost a stone in weight (14 pounds). I had 4 glasses of wine, enjoyed the party I was at, thought I was free from the disease then drank a litre of vodka a day for 6 days. Yeah, I was cured. Total lie.
Time passed. Things got better, i'd learnt my lesson right? then i picked up again. Drank for 2 consecutive nights, didn't get a craving so i once again thought I was cured. After new year 2013 i picked up. This disease, this ism, is the killer. As they say in the rooms, alcoholism, not wasm, if that makes sense
It is present, it is a killer, it always wants you back. The pain i cause my family is almost unforgiveable. I never harmed them physically but the emotional pain is probably worse. My mum recently found me in our front porch face down in my own vomit, what kind of person does that to their family? The thing is, I'm not a bad person, I'm kind and generous, full of love, positive. Put a drink in me and eventually all of that will be gone. It sucks the life out of people.
My dad used to say to me 'if you don't buy the vodka you won't drink it' - yeah that's not gonna work for me as i'm going to the store to buy drink. The mental obsession. My god, its horrific, the craving is so powerful. I would talk to myself, telling myself that this was a bad idea but ended up pushing the F IT button. Why? I am still in pain, still craving, drinking a bit to keep me level. I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy.
Pride, arrogance, complacency all play a part. Will power just doesn't cut it. It does not work. As a catholic the god thing has never been a problem for me, i will always believe, despite the horrible situation I'm in. Gotta get back to the rooms, work the steps, as they say. Acceptance is one thing, sure it's important, but admission is another. The sheer denial, the mourning of the past, how life is never going to have drink is sad. I grieve this fact as it used to be a nice thing in my life, many good memories.
I didn't drink to fit in, i liked the effect it had. I still do now. People in AA often talk about drinking to change the way they felt. Wasn't always true for me. Sure, my parents terrible marriage made me drink but that was still my choice. I thought why not, I don't care. That's the weird thing, it changes me into a lying scumbag.
Suppose i better wrap up this rant of mine. Thank you for reading, not entirely sure how i'm gonna get out of this situation. AA works, i guess i haven't hit rock bottom yet. Not everyone needs to, but my consistent relapses are ruining my life. Once the physical effects wear off, life is amazing again, then AA and being sober is truly wonderful. I hope this has helped anyone who has felt this way, my thanks again, good luck.
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