Hi everyone,
Recently I've been playing with the idea of quitting drinking because I can see clear pattern of getting into trouble while I'm drunk. Both of my parents were alcoholics when I was young so I got to see and experience way too much at a young age and promised back then that I would never be like them. Well for a long time I wasn't.
When I was 18 I started using drugs, a habit I quite easily got rid of a couple of years ago. I mostly used them when I went clubbing so once I got into a serious relationship with a guy who didn't approve drugs and clubbing, I also simply stopped.
So my lifestyle got healthier, but somehow my relationship with alcohol changed and during the past couple of years I've been drinking until I black out. I always feel ashamed and guilty afterwards, but being with my sweet boyfriend he's managed to save me from disasters.
Now however I live in a different country and we see each other every second month, which means there is no one to save me from myself.
Since I moved to another country, it's been like a disaster waiting to happen. Every week things get more and more intense and I end up in rather questionable situation with men and then this Saturday I cheated on my boyfriend and I had to ask this guy the next day whether we had sex or not, since I couldn't remember myself.
For sure something in my current relationship needs to be dealt with since I'm doing this, but I'm honestly starting to believe that alcohol poses an even bigger problem for me and my future. I see so many people having fun with alcohol and never having any guilt trips afterwards, for me I don't remember drinking and not feeling guilty the next day.
I've asked my friends their opinion and many say that the alcohol is not the problem and that I have some other underlying issues I have to deal with. But why wouldn't it be easier to deal with these issues with a clear head? When I'm sober I'm organized, responsible, ambitious and caring towards the people I love. When I'm drunk I'm reckless, selfish and graving for attention, and well sometimes I also get aggressive.
I'm tired of this all and I feel like I should stop this before I really hurt myself, but I'm still not sure whether my heart is really in it. I'm surrounded by people who drink excessively and it's socially acceptable and considered to be fun. I also feel like I'm not getting much support from them, partly because they don't understand the emotions I'm going through and partly because they don't want to admit that they should probably do the same and reconsider their drinking habits.
I feel so ashamed and so sad when I think about my boyfriend who does not deserve this. He thinks he's building a life with a loving, sweet and trustworthy person and in reality there's a different side of me he's not aware of and would probably leave me if he would know.
Thank you for reading my post and thanks for all the stories people have shared here. Reading them makes me feel a little better and challenges me to think more and more about my own behavior and how I could become a better person and respect myself and others more than I seem to do at the moment.
Hugs,
Vekara
Recently I've been playing with the idea of quitting drinking because I can see clear pattern of getting into trouble while I'm drunk. Both of my parents were alcoholics when I was young so I got to see and experience way too much at a young age and promised back then that I would never be like them. Well for a long time I wasn't.
When I was 18 I started using drugs, a habit I quite easily got rid of a couple of years ago. I mostly used them when I went clubbing so once I got into a serious relationship with a guy who didn't approve drugs and clubbing, I also simply stopped.
So my lifestyle got healthier, but somehow my relationship with alcohol changed and during the past couple of years I've been drinking until I black out. I always feel ashamed and guilty afterwards, but being with my sweet boyfriend he's managed to save me from disasters.
Now however I live in a different country and we see each other every second month, which means there is no one to save me from myself.
Since I moved to another country, it's been like a disaster waiting to happen. Every week things get more and more intense and I end up in rather questionable situation with men and then this Saturday I cheated on my boyfriend and I had to ask this guy the next day whether we had sex or not, since I couldn't remember myself.
For sure something in my current relationship needs to be dealt with since I'm doing this, but I'm honestly starting to believe that alcohol poses an even bigger problem for me and my future. I see so many people having fun with alcohol and never having any guilt trips afterwards, for me I don't remember drinking and not feeling guilty the next day.
I've asked my friends their opinion and many say that the alcohol is not the problem and that I have some other underlying issues I have to deal with. But why wouldn't it be easier to deal with these issues with a clear head? When I'm sober I'm organized, responsible, ambitious and caring towards the people I love. When I'm drunk I'm reckless, selfish and graving for attention, and well sometimes I also get aggressive.
I'm tired of this all and I feel like I should stop this before I really hurt myself, but I'm still not sure whether my heart is really in it. I'm surrounded by people who drink excessively and it's socially acceptable and considered to be fun. I also feel like I'm not getting much support from them, partly because they don't understand the emotions I'm going through and partly because they don't want to admit that they should probably do the same and reconsider their drinking habits.
I feel so ashamed and so sad when I think about my boyfriend who does not deserve this. He thinks he's building a life with a loving, sweet and trustworthy person and in reality there's a different side of me he's not aware of and would probably leave me if he would know.
Thank you for reading my post and thanks for all the stories people have shared here. Reading them makes me feel a little better and challenges me to think more and more about my own behavior and how I could become a better person and respect myself and others more than I seem to do at the moment.
Hugs,
Vekara
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