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    #1

    Never felt connected

    I'm the one at the center of the discussion, always telling stories and laughing.

    I'm the one that everyone wants to drink with.

    I'm the one that can walk into a room filled with strangers and never miss a beat.

    I'm the one who walks into a bar and there are no strangers.

    I'm the one you would never know is so completely destroyed and alone.

    I put on this grand show to make you into my muse of consumption, so I can drown the emptiness; come and surround me with your encouragement.

    There has to be more than this?
    Heaven is high and earth wide. If you ride three feet higher above the ground than other men, you will know what that means.
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    #2
    Never felt connected

    Never been at a loss for words, but these are uncharted waters for me
    Heaven is high and earth wide. If you ride three feet higher above the ground than other men, you will know what that means.

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      #3
      Never felt connected

      So Tartaroo, are you looking for a change? Tell us a bit about yourself and your drinking history and habits.

      I can relate to being the one no one ever thinks to worry about because the face we present to the world is bright and shiny.
      Well it's all right now. I've learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself.

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        #4
        Never felt connected

        Nobody would ever know I'm an alcoholic unless they were counting cocktails or trying to keep up with me.
        I go from completely sober to shit drunk in a matter of minutes.
        Of course I know every bartender in a 30 mile radius... There was one time I couldn't remember if I had payed my bar tab.... In fact, I was pretty certain I hadn't, so I went back the next day to apologize to the bartender.
        When I told her I was a bit drunk and couldn't remember if I had payed my tab... She told me that she had no idea that I was drunk at all, that I had payed my tab and had some "friends" pull me back to the bar and buy me a cocktail and I stayed to return the favor twice.
        It frightened me that I could function perfectly without anyone knowing that I was completely out!
        At the time I don't feel like I'm being excessive, it just sneaks up on me!

        Perhaps I'm a fluke.... I won't drink alcohol because it's there, I can't drink the dregs.... I had someone bring wine in a bag for a party and even though I had nothing in the house to keep me going.... That was for cooking only.
        When I do drink, I don't stop.... But that is becoming more frequent and apparently continues far beyond what I remember the next day.
        Heaven is high and earth wide. If you ride three feet higher above the ground than other men, you will know what that means.

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          #5
          Never felt connected

          I was deathly deathly shy when I was younger.... Maybe this was my escape from that, people seem to flock to me when I've had a few or few too many. And if I've smoked (rare), yep.... I can captivate a full bar!
          "You were in rare form last night" is what I usually get, and it's not in reference to being intoxicated.... I'm the only one that knows the reality of that.

          But I truly lack the deep connection with people beyond being a great performer of sorts....

          Big shoes, shiny red nose?
          Heaven is high and earth wide. If you ride three feet higher above the ground than other men, you will know what that means.

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            #6
            Never felt connected

            Went out riding today for the first time sober.
            Couldn't believe it when I actually noticed my girl was doglegging at a lope or canter.
            I trained her from a filly and probably trained her to be lazy following my weight in the saddle.
            How I didn't notice until now makes me sick, and none of my hands had the heart to tell me.
            Heaven is high and earth wide. If you ride three feet higher above the ground than other men, you will know what that means.

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              #7
              Never felt connected

              I don't know if this is the right therapy for me, it feels like another bar a social escape without the pretty bottles.
              Heaven is high and earth wide. If you ride three feet higher above the ground than other men, you will know what that means.

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                #8
                Never felt connected

                my wife isn't happy with me either, she can't understand why I would sit in front of the computer for anything
                Heaven is high and earth wide. If you ride three feet higher above the ground than other men, you will know what that means.

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                  #9
                  Never felt connected

                  So why don't you respond to Siren then?
                  Seems to me you are just chattering away to yourself there

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Never felt connected

                    Tartaroo, first of all I want to thank you for coming to my defense in that other thread. Second, I hear you. I'd be the angry belligerent drunk toward my family, then I'd be the life of the party no one knew was drunk. I've been pulled over twice while drunk and was not administered field sobriety tests. The first one should have been a wakeup call - frightening it happened a second time. My luck with that was due to run out soon had I continued down that road.

                    Anyway, it sounds like you have a wonderful hobby to occupy your time. In the past, when I've quit drinking, I felt bored because my MO was to pass out and drink and what else was I going to do with my time? It sounds like you are rediscovering riding. My advice would be to throw yourself into it! Good luck!
                    In the middle of my life's journey, I found myself in a dark wood, as I had lost the straight path. It is a difficult thing to speak about, how wild, harsh and impenetrable that wood is. Just thinking about it recreates the fear. It is scarcely less bitter than death, but in order to tell of the good that I found there, I must tell of the other things I saw there. --Dante, paraphrased

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                      #11
                      Never felt connected

                      Went to a boys school, grew up in a strict household.
                      Knew the difference between the leather and buckle of a belt and which one was coming.
                      Left as soon as my wits allowed me and have been fighting ever since.
                      Ended up on a farm in Taos for a place to stay and a good meal.
                      They are my real mother and father...
                      Now there's the boys, the land and the animals that all depend on me. Hard work, but I'm slowing down. Drinking was always the reward at the end of it all.
                      Maybe I'm still trying to run from that buckle, but there's no place left to go.
                      Heaven is high and earth wide. If you ride three feet higher above the ground than other men, you will know what that means.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Never felt connected

                        I'm afraid of stopping, what's gonna fill the time?
                        Heaven is high and earth wide. If you ride three feet higher above the ground than other men, you will know what that means.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Never felt connected

                          Tartaroo;1498813 wrote: I don't know if this is the right therapy for me, it feels like another bar a social escape without the pretty bottles.
                          I personally prefer a coffeehouse analogy, but if bar works for you, that's fine. Just talk to us. Don't be that weirdo talking to his beer. We all know "that guy."
                          In the middle of my life's journey, I found myself in a dark wood, as I had lost the straight path. It is a difficult thing to speak about, how wild, harsh and impenetrable that wood is. Just thinking about it recreates the fear. It is scarcely less bitter than death, but in order to tell of the good that I found there, I must tell of the other things I saw there. --Dante, paraphrased

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                            #14
                            Never felt connected

                            Alky;1498839 wrote: I personally prefer a coffeehouse analogy, but if bar works for you, that's fine. Just talk to us. Don't be that weirdo talking to his beer. We all know "that guy."
                            Where I'm from, talking to things that don't talk back isn't that weird. They understand what your saying regardless. I learned that when I was young, I didn't have to understand what was being said to know what was coming.
                            I am a simple man, but it doesn't mean I'm not well educated. My "adoptive" parents are organic farmers, buddhists and vegetarians both with doctorates.
                            They would be so disappointed if they knew what I was doing to my body.
                            Heaven is high and earth wide. If you ride three feet higher above the ground than other men, you will know what that means.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Never felt connected

                              Tart,
                              You are me! I was the life of the party! Always with a joke and a hearty laugh. People gravitated to me....in reality, I am a shy, insecure country girl. I thought I had to have AL to bring out the person that I wanted to be. I'll tell you what....that person is still inside you! You do NOT have to have AL to get him out, either! Does it happen overnight? No, it doesn't...it takes some time. But it does happen. Now folks ask me 'how many have YOU had?' None, actually. I haven't touched A DROP in 2 years and 100 days! I know you are worried about the future if you aren't drinking...but please take it from folks who walk a little in front of you....YOU CAN DO THIS. In hindsight what I should have been afraid of was my future if I didn't stop drinking!!!
                              Please join us over in the Newbies' Nest, we have folks on their first days all the way up to 4 years sober. Something for everyone! The link is in my signature line...you'll also see a link to the Tool Box. There are 100's of tips and coping skills to help you thru these first very challenging days. Both are the silver bullets to success! Welcome to this site! Having support from like-minded people is the KEY to winning. I will look for you over there! We're glad you found us! Byrdie
                              All you gotta do, is get thru this day. AF 1/20/2011
                              Tool Box
                              Newbie's Nest

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