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[sweetpea29]

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InChains;1501816 wrote: so nearly didn't post at all for day one, out of shame and disappointment. but i have a plan and I'm sticking to it. today is day one, it's the hardest day one i have ever had in my life. Or it was, because looking at the clock on screen I made it already, 20 minutes ago I slipped into day 2, stressed, exhausted, but I am here and I am still fighting this disease, and thats all I can do. I talk alot on here about levels of drinking, wanting to be worse, wanting to be better. at the end of the day, or perhaps at the start of a new one i just have one lesson that i must share, that I have learned the hard way:

To ya'll my name is inchy. I am an alcoholic - and priority number one is making it to the end of this day AF. No excuses.

-inchy

Inchy :l

Be proud of yourself, not ashamed. The fact you are back fighting says it all- you are strong and not a quitter.

Heres to an AF day 2 for you:l

[InChains]

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thanks guys,it's 10.30am here so I'm actually nearly halfway through day 2 right? haha. I'll be honest, slept through two alarms, should have been up at 8, instead I'm having breakfast now xD

Red: I had a conversation with my other half a couple of nights ago where i was flat our denying i was an alcoholic, didn't like him saying i was, was being a total ass about it. It was a huge relief to me to write that last night, and to know I'm doing the right thing. I'm going to write those words out and put them on my wall in my room somewhere, I want to remember what I have to do and the strength I had when I said that.

my areas kind of... I live in a small village where the only meetings are in the evenings at a care home 2 miles away, about once every couple of weeks. I'm going to look into whether there's anything further afield, I'm sure there will be something when I move in September, and thats when I know I am really going to need all the help I can get (first time away from home, starting uni... yeah.)

UK: Thanks, I look forward to hearing from you

Wine-No: thank you, and congrats on what must be day 6 for you? amazing job

-Inchy

[InChains]

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attack of the xpost: heya sweetpea, i am feeling alot stronger since I posted that last night. Ready to take on day 2 now, plenty to do.

hope you are well

-inchy

[free at last]

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Inchy-- great news and WONDERFUL work. It takes a lot of courage to say "I am an alcoholic" and then to do something about it. Stay with this -- it is clear by your posts that you want to be free from this addiction. Please keep at it, and continue to reach out to MWO and others in this process. I don't think anyone escapes the chains of alcohol without some kind of external support.

Finally, the gentle nag in this middle-aged lady can't stop herself -- please do think about adding meditation to your tool kit. I think you will find it opens up all kinds of creative juices.

Be proud of your accomplishments. We are celebrating with you!

[InChains]

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Free: In the middle of a panic attack last night (day one really did suck xD) I decided I really would like to do that, will definitely be looking into it either today or tomorrow thanks for the advice

[buddabelly]

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Guilt solves nothing

Dear inchy,

Well done on your AF day.

I hear and sense a lot of self recrimination in your posts. You have only just taken on board and admitted that alcohol is a problem. HUGE STEP. I knew myself for a long time, but admitting it to someone else is big. One bridge burnt.

The day my mother told my mother in law I was having treatment for my alcoholism i was mortified and furious. Eventually though it occured to me that it was the use of the A word that upset me the most. The whole family knew that I supplied the after dinner entertainment at every family do, and had done for years. Now the A word had been saiid there was no going back. I could not drink with impunity any more.

Please be kind to yourself. Accept that relapse is part and parcel of the process of recovery, but don't use that fact to give yourself permission to drink. This is a hard one to get your head round I know. Beating the you know what out of yourself will only serve to keep you in chains. Tryning to stop then turns into a self defeating spiral. For me every ' failure ' would be reason to just give up. ' What's the f*****g Point '. I'd throw hope out the window and drink even more. Also that gulit may stop you posting on here. Then you won't get to hear about all the others that are starting over again and again.

I'm on Baclofen and even though I have not yet stopped, my drinking is NOTHING like it was a week ago. Even though a bottle of wine at night is still too much it beats the hell out of 24/7 and not rembering how much.

Every day without alcohol is a miracle remember that.

Good luck. Will add you to my buddy list so I can follow your jourmey

Lea

[InChains]

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Homework:


From the dive down to the wet
Usually I fall, tell myself
It doesn't matter anyway
That this is just another day
I don't speak the truth too much
Hear the roars and the hush
And the cold chill of time
And I'm happy murderin' my mind

Oh I remember your voice
Turnin' around and around and around in my head
Now it's just like you said
Everything inside is dead

From the pillar to the post
I kill what I can miss the most
Of the blame when you get in touch
Another town another torch
Thought I saw you in a dream
Fill the hours in between
When I call myself alone
Then I disappear below

I remember your face
But it's been a long been a long been a long long day
What I did along the way
Well I wouldn't care to say

lyrics above are to the song 'Hotel' by Mark Lanegan, hotel being a reference to a rehab clinic. Lanegan is perhaps one of the greatest 'grunge' music survivors, a heroin addict in his teens, an early starter like me. I guess the ultimate example of 'if he can, I can' to me, not to mention the amount of beautiful poetry to come from such dark places.

and to my day, day 2. and what a day... Sun shining, working constantly throughout the day, only to be hit by the full force of cravings about 7pm. suffered through it, the full weight bearing down on me for night on 2 hours before i could see any sign of relief. Still struggling, still sober, just waiting for the clouds to lift.

-Inchy

[YouKayBee]

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It gets better but the first days and even weeks it seems never ending, but trust me it does get easier but not initially and it is worth it.

[InChains]

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i'll pm you back sometime uk, just not in a position to right now

[K9Lover]

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How are you today Inchy?

[YouKayBee]

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InChains;1502220 wrote: i'll pm you back sometime uk, just not in a position to right now

No problems I'm aware it may have been quite a heavy pm so don't worry about it.

Can you let us know you are ok today please?

[InChains]

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Is it really day 4/sharing the goodness

firstly sorry I didn't check in yesterday, at the start I did mention posting 5 days a week, I should probably have said the two I will never be around on are Tuesdays and Saturdays (days when work vs uni scheduling match up for me and my other half to actually spend time together properly). So if I worried ya'll sorry, but in future just know those are my days off.

And what did I do with 'em, well... I made it to day 4 and I am still AF Now usually being social makes that real hard for me, which is where the 'sharing the goodness' part of my title comes in - yes neither one of us was drinking yesterday, and we still had a good time largely thanks to one thing - anti-anxiety meds. Not mine, obviously, but my other halfs on some light weight non-addictive anti-anxiety pills, took one and 'oh bye bye feeling awful' combine that with a light serving of pot (first time in six months, and yes I know alot of people will not approve of my doing that) and I made it to day 4. 'Borrowing' another pill to get through tonight and make the record day 5.

So, not al related but do indulge me a moment. at the moment, my life is... doing its very best to make me and al friends again haha. My bipolar mother is starting to revert to being agoraphobic (hasn't left the house or even checked our phone in 5, maybe 6 days), my brother is bringing ever more trouble to the door, and my job is starting to become an absolute nightmare. I have hours of paperwork to do for uni and my other halfs family are not so hot right now. So I'm naturally getting it all out on here to you guys, and I'm not saying it to get pity or like theres nothing good going on, I just have alot on and if i don't post well... i figure its obvious i'm gonna be real busy for a while.

thanks for sticking with me

-inchy

[YouKayBee]

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InChains;1502861 wrote: firstly sorry I didn't check in yesterday, at the start I did mention posting 5 days a week, I should probably have said the two I will never be around on are Tuesdays and Saturdays (days when work vs uni scheduling match up for me and my other half to actually spend time together properly). So if I worried ya'll sorry, but in future just know those are my days off.

And what did I do with 'em, well... I made it to day 4 and I am still AF Now usually being social makes that real hard for me, which is where the 'sharing the goodness' part of my title comes in - yes neither one of us was drinking yesterday, and we still had a good time largely thanks to one thing - anti-anxiety meds. Not mine, obviously, but my other halfs on some light weight non-addictive anti-anxiety pills, took one and 'oh bye bye feeling awful' combine that with a light serving of pot (first time in six months, and yes I know alot of people will not approve of my doing that) and I made it to day 4. 'Borrowing' another pill to get through tonight and make the record day 5.

So, not al related but do indulge me a moment. at the moment, my life is... doing its very best to make me and al friends again haha. My bipolar mother is starting to revert to being agoraphobic (hasn't left the house or even checked our phone in 5, maybe 6 days), my brother is bringing ever more trouble to the door, and my job is starting to become an absolute nightmare. I have hours of paperwork to do for uni and my other halfs family are not so hot right now. So I'm naturally getting it all out on here to you guys, and I'm not saying it to get pity or like theres nothing good going on, I just have alot on and if i don't post well... i figure its obvious i'm gonna be real busy for a while.

thanks for sticking with me

-inchy

Sorry just remembered it's in your first post about not being able to post on Tuesday and Saturdays.

[InChains]

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Day 4

Homework: Not going to write too much about my homework today, frankly surprised to be writing at all. I started learning the bass part to a song that means alot to me 'Inside Job' by Pearl Jam. Songs always inspired me and was written by the amazing Mike McCready, naturally recovering addict who actually blacked out on live television playing a song back in the early days of the band, sober now and wrote the song about his experience.

'I'll not lose my faith, its an inside job today, holding on to light of the night, on my knees to rise and fix my broken soul'.

and for day 4. Well, its not been easy, probably the hardest thing I've done in a long time is making it through this day. My home life, my job, my relationship are now at a point where I am very very alone, under pressure from all sides. Trying to remain an island of calm and strength for those around me in spite of the struggle in my own mind is perhaps impossible. I made it today, I made my record of 2 long years but... There are things even I can't say on here. I am open with everybody who reads this, I let raw emotion out, speak about troubles, memories and feelings that I have never spoken about before. I do this because I want a record of this, a pure honest map of the path I am walking, one step at a time. If this were a path, today has left me with blisters and wounds that I need to heal, this may happen with time, or i may have to take a step back and simply stop walking a while to let myself breathe.

In discussion, or argument sadly to say with my other half I said something that I think makes sense of this. Of course this is not sudden. My mother and sister have not suddenly become mentally ill, my brother has not woken up to find himself addicted to cannabis and I have not suddenly remembered a great many things. What has happened is I have woken up in the midst of a life I have been sleepwalking through thanks to al. and it is terrifying. To wake in a nightmare. I hoped to find strength in clarity, and I am still searching but lord alone knows I need help now. There is so much to repair.

-Inchy

[InChains]

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00.00 on the computer clock. I just started day 5 for the first time in over 2 years.