I like to drink

[Mrs. deWinter]

Been drinking since I was 16 and immediately enjoyed the release from all social anxiety. Even though Dad and other family members were alcoholic, I never considered this legacy as a warning sign. I drank only on weekends (and enjoyed it all) for about 30 years. Then, I hit pre-menopause and things got out of control, drinking every other night to drunkeness, even when my kids were home (but waiting until they were asleep). Now, I am retired with a lot of flex time and I am regularly drinking about every 3 days and getting drunk every single time and it's often a binge including a bottle of wine and whatever else I can find....and I stay up too late, pretty much pass out and stumble to bed at 0400 or so. It's awful, not fun anymore and I hate it and want to stop. So today, I am sober (but tired from my bottle of wine and 2 vodka's last night) and of course, today there is no problem staying sober, tomorrow will be easy too. It's the third day that's hard. I just want to stop. Is this bottom? I dont' know, no one ever says a word to me, my husband just quietly goes to bed (looking sort of sad) and we start over the next day. Here's the deal, I dont' like my life. don't like being married, don't like where I live, don't like how I look, don't like being fat. I don't know, I just can't feel love at all...don't think I ever will. The best I can do is to not get angry and sort of fake it. I just think I am stuck this way. Basically, I just want to run away from home and spent way too much time fantasizing about just that. I'm exhausted, that's all for now.:new

[catch22]

I like to drink

Mrs. deWinter;1506678 wrote: Been drinking since I was 16 and immediately enjoyed the release from all social anxiety. Even though Dad and other family members were alcoholic, I never considered this legacy as a warning sign. I drank only on weekends (and enjoyed it all) for about 30 years. Then, I hit pre-menopause and things got out of control, drinking every other night to drunkeness, even when my kids were home (but waiting until they were asleep). Now, I am retired with a lot of flex time and I am regularly drinking about every 3 days and getting drunk every single time and it's often a binge including a bottle of wine and whatever else I can find....and I stay up too late, pretty much pass out and stumble to bed at 0400 or so. It's awful, not fun anymore and I hate it and want to stop. So today, I am sober (but tired from my bottle of wine and 2 vodka's last night) and of course, today there is no problem staying sober, tomorrow will be easy too. It's the third day that's hard. I just want to stop. Is this bottom? I dont' know, no one ever says a word to me, my husband just quietly goes to bed (looking sort of sad) and we start over the next day. Here's the deal, I dont' like my life. don't like being married, don't like where I live, don't like how I look, don't like being fat. I don't know, I just can't feel love at all...don't think I ever will. The best I can do is to not get angry and sort of fake it. I just think I am stuck this way. Basically, I just want to run away from home and spent way too much time fantasizing about just that. I'm exhausted, that's all for now.:new

I can so relate to your drinking story Mrs. deWinter. I see on the other thread that you have 3days sober well done you. I can understand you say you dont like a lot of things in your life right now. I was like that, It takes time to find out who we are, ( but we need to put the drink down first to find the real us not the make believe) i always felt like i was seaching for something. Once i stop drinking it took me a long time to find who i am. Your not stuck this way forever i promised you. And the fantasizing, i here a lot of this in AA meetings sometimes mainly men talk about it, but the women keep quite about it, but i can relate to what they were saying. your not on your own. The alcohol also takes lot away from us how we feel inside, i find all my feelings and emotions defrosted and i felt a lot of pain but that does go in time. You say you have hit pre menopause, me to on the boardline having a few side effects. This is your life, that free flex time you have make the most of it, its never to late to start a hobby. Keep close to the site, post as much and read as much as you can. You will get a lot of support and advice here. Also why not try to go AA meeting there a good mixture of age group there. A big welcome to MWO from me .. x

[Siren136]

I like to drink

Spam reported. No advertising, Carrycash.

[Janice]

I like to drink

mmmm I was thinking the same thing Siren reading his posts.

[bcp2013]

I like to drink

Hi Mrs.dew inter,well l as well started drinking more with age,my husband was the same,my son was always annoyed with me,but when l announced to them LM quitting,the proudness and joy they showed me,makes me stay sober,life is precious and when the people you love are happy and proud of you for saving yourself from the wrath of alcohol,feels good,you won't have any more guilt,l love that part and l look better,alcohol robs you of your true self.so you can do this LM 64 days sober and proud to be feeling good and looking better,you will succeed!!

[maryjo]

I like to drink

Bottomed out?

Only you know if it's your bottom or not. And maybe you don't know it today - but it may become clearer in time.

Current thinking is that before you hit bottom - raise the bottom to where you are now so that you don't kill yourself waiting to hit it.

I sort of get the sense from your post that you and your husband don't talk about the elephant in the room. Do you talk to him about the sadness you feel and the lack of control and the drinking? He may be waiting for an opportunity to talk about it.

I don't know. Maybe it would help foryou to have someone in your corner who knows that you are not giving up - but reaching for help.

I understand how you feel. Really. And I think you can make some positive changes and get your mojo back.

[hazeleyes]

I like to drink

Hello mrs de winter

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I encourage you to write out the things you want and the steps you need to take to get there. Then start work on the first step...

Kia kaha ( be strong)

[3June2013]

I like to drink

Mrs deWinter I think that took a lot of courage to say out loud. How did it feel? I notice when I say things out loud something changes. Makes it more real. Your title is I like to drink. I think that is why we all have or had to stop. It would be so much easier if we didn't like it. But I guess we have to find alternatives. Stay connected, you will find so much help here. I'm only a newbie, 13 days sober, but I have a feeling I can do this. So can you.

[Kohl mom]

I like to drink

Omg Mrs dewitter I felt like I was reading about myself! I was not always like this. I too feel like running away. I too do not drink daily or weekly , but when i do it is to get drunk... And i usually stay up late to do it.. Alone. I can not wait to feel happy again. Not regretting what I have done. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I am committed to my therapy and alcohol free!!!! Starting today.

[witts end]

I like to drink

hello mrs dewitter
I think you should go and talk to your doctor for help with your depression
hey we don't mind if you just want to let it all out and talk
there are a lot people who would like to help