Hello yall.....again.
I have lurked on this site for years....have even written some. I am not sure why I am trying again, since I normally get so nervous and anxious when I don't have my "medicine" that I end up right back at it within a few days to a few weeks. I have not gone more than a month without drinking daily since probably 2008 when I went to rehab after the suicide of my brother. I have cut back....but never less than 3 or 4 a day. Luckily I only drink beer....but really, does what I drink really matter?
My father recently died of cancer. I quit my job in August to help care for him. I came home in January after he died in December and I started to drink even MORE than my normal 3.....suddenly I am drinking 6 to 8 beers a day....taking Xanax some nights when the depression got really bad. I did this until about May.....and now I am able to stay around 4 or 5 beers a day...weekends I may drink more....but I have tried not to drink a six pack every day. But it's just so hard to stop. I get anxious just thinking about it....
Sad that it took my father's death to realize that I suffer from anxiety. I always thought I was "tough" having survived a terrible childhood and an abusive first marriage. I was very lucky in that I didn't start heavily drinking until I was in my late 30's. I will be 47 in October.
I have stomach issues galore and I am sure other things that I have been too scared to get checked out. I get occasional neuropathy in my fingers and feet. My skin is terrible and I have a tremor. I think my enlarged right ventricle of my heart may have been caused by my long term abuse of alcohol. I cannot remember things much anymore. My husband will talk about a weekend or gathering or incident.....and I won't remember a THING about it. I used to have monthly grand mal seizures, but those have given way to just having seizures when I am over heated or terribly upset. I have blown up in weight. One would think that someone who used to be anorexic thin would be motivated by the weight gain....but I just look at my swollen belly and shrug my shoulders and get more beer...(adding to my depression and self loathing).
All of these things and I STILL cannot stop. Every day I tell myself I will not get beer after work and every day my brain says....just this one more time....
I try stopping on the first of the month....after a holiday....let's just go to this one last party and I'll stop after....the best I can do is drink 3 instead of 6 beers that day.....but I always end up back at it.
I have promised my husband that I would stop drinking if he stops smoking. I partially know that he will never stop smoking....so I am perpetually off the hook.
My father made me the beneficiary of a very large life insurance policy. I am currently in the court system, fighting his estranged wife of 9 months for it....another anxiety causing situation. I know I will win as the law is on my side and I am, after all, the beneficiary. I had planned on taking some of that money and going through a 30 day rehab in stead of the 2 week one I failed. But I worry that it won't help...that until my MIND has understood why I must quit and my SOUL accepts it....I will be stuck in the bottle of IPA forever.
I don't know why I am writing here again other than I still have a small light of hope. My MD has offered to give me Anabuse. I have experienced first hand what that drug does when you drink while on it as Flagyl does the same thing if you drink while on it...
I turned my doc down....but have kept it in my mind as an alternative. I already have a fatty liver....so I really need to do something unless I just want to die with a can of lager in my hand....
I have been lucky because I have not run anyone off yet as a result of my drinking. I know my husband has lost some respect for me...but he is killing himself with cigarettes and he also is a binge drinker....so he doesn't say anything to me about it.....but I can see it in his eyes when I, once again, turn down a gathering or activity because I would rather sit here and drink myself to sleep.
So why am I writing this? I guess to remind myself to try and try again.....that I really DO know what I must do. I am going for August first, (I love day ones being on the first). I am tapering down until then....I cannot afford an inpatient detox.....and I know tapering can work. If I can just stop remembering how that first beer feels....how my body just sighs and relaxes....better than pot...better even then the Xanax......
Wish me luck and cross your fingers and toes.......maybe this time I'll make it!
I have lurked on this site for years....have even written some. I am not sure why I am trying again, since I normally get so nervous and anxious when I don't have my "medicine" that I end up right back at it within a few days to a few weeks. I have not gone more than a month without drinking daily since probably 2008 when I went to rehab after the suicide of my brother. I have cut back....but never less than 3 or 4 a day. Luckily I only drink beer....but really, does what I drink really matter?
My father recently died of cancer. I quit my job in August to help care for him. I came home in January after he died in December and I started to drink even MORE than my normal 3.....suddenly I am drinking 6 to 8 beers a day....taking Xanax some nights when the depression got really bad. I did this until about May.....and now I am able to stay around 4 or 5 beers a day...weekends I may drink more....but I have tried not to drink a six pack every day. But it's just so hard to stop. I get anxious just thinking about it....
Sad that it took my father's death to realize that I suffer from anxiety. I always thought I was "tough" having survived a terrible childhood and an abusive first marriage. I was very lucky in that I didn't start heavily drinking until I was in my late 30's. I will be 47 in October.
I have stomach issues galore and I am sure other things that I have been too scared to get checked out. I get occasional neuropathy in my fingers and feet. My skin is terrible and I have a tremor. I think my enlarged right ventricle of my heart may have been caused by my long term abuse of alcohol. I cannot remember things much anymore. My husband will talk about a weekend or gathering or incident.....and I won't remember a THING about it. I used to have monthly grand mal seizures, but those have given way to just having seizures when I am over heated or terribly upset. I have blown up in weight. One would think that someone who used to be anorexic thin would be motivated by the weight gain....but I just look at my swollen belly and shrug my shoulders and get more beer...(adding to my depression and self loathing).
All of these things and I STILL cannot stop. Every day I tell myself I will not get beer after work and every day my brain says....just this one more time....
I try stopping on the first of the month....after a holiday....let's just go to this one last party and I'll stop after....the best I can do is drink 3 instead of 6 beers that day.....but I always end up back at it.
I have promised my husband that I would stop drinking if he stops smoking. I partially know that he will never stop smoking....so I am perpetually off the hook.
My father made me the beneficiary of a very large life insurance policy. I am currently in the court system, fighting his estranged wife of 9 months for it....another anxiety causing situation. I know I will win as the law is on my side and I am, after all, the beneficiary. I had planned on taking some of that money and going through a 30 day rehab in stead of the 2 week one I failed. But I worry that it won't help...that until my MIND has understood why I must quit and my SOUL accepts it....I will be stuck in the bottle of IPA forever.
I don't know why I am writing here again other than I still have a small light of hope. My MD has offered to give me Anabuse. I have experienced first hand what that drug does when you drink while on it as Flagyl does the same thing if you drink while on it...
I turned my doc down....but have kept it in my mind as an alternative. I already have a fatty liver....so I really need to do something unless I just want to die with a can of lager in my hand....
I have been lucky because I have not run anyone off yet as a result of my drinking. I know my husband has lost some respect for me...but he is killing himself with cigarettes and he also is a binge drinker....so he doesn't say anything to me about it.....but I can see it in his eyes when I, once again, turn down a gathering or activity because I would rather sit here and drink myself to sleep.
So why am I writing this? I guess to remind myself to try and try again.....that I really DO know what I must do. I am going for August first, (I love day ones being on the first). I am tapering down until then....I cannot afford an inpatient detox.....and I know tapering can work. If I can just stop remembering how that first beer feels....how my body just sighs and relaxes....better than pot...better even then the Xanax......
Wish me luck and cross your fingers and toes.......maybe this time I'll make it!
Comment