How to forgive your self (blackouts)

[ylfa]

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Hello, I am Ylfa and I am new here. I am foreigner and excuse my writing errors.
I have been drinkin on and off almost 20 years. I started 14-15 and right away it was clear that me and alcohol did not fit together. I did somtimes stupid things and started to get blakcouts like 22-25. I went to rehab because of depression and alcohol abuse the year 2000 . I have had to many slips since then and it is almost always I get terriblel long blackouts and I am always angry when I am totally drunk and have a lot of fights and say horrible things to people. I never remeber how I get home. I am so tired of this. I slipped three times last year and one time now and I can not describe the feeling to wake up and try to remember what I did last nigt. Some of you might though know this worst feeling in the world. Blackouts , blackouts what a discusting thing. I get depressed for many weeks and shame , guilt and dont want to meet people. I sometimes dont have the couarage to go to people and say am sorry what I said.
Now it is two weeks from my last slipped and I am determinded that this was the last one, otherwise I can die in my next drunk night. I have ruined all my dates for last two years with very nice guys and I am always ruining things in one night that maybe took me one year to build up. I go to aa meeting and that is helping me. Just I am struggling with forgive my self and get rid of the shame and the obsessive thinking that everybody saw me last time I drunk.
I like this place here and hopefully you have some advice for me.
Take care,
Ylfa

[betty boop]

How to forgive your self (blackouts)

Hi Ylfa,

I replied to this on your long terms abs posting ....

Take care love

[Beaches]

How to forgive your self (blackouts)

Welcome YLFA,
The blackouts are the worst. I hated waking up the next morning trying to remember how my kids got to bed or what I may have said. What you do to yourself inside your head is maddening.
Guilt, regret, shame....now it's time to change all that. Since finding this site my life has turned around but you have to be committed to making it change.
I wish you the very best and hope to see you around more.

[tea]

How to forgive your self (blackouts)

Hi YLFA, look back through the old posts, lots and lots on guilt, next day horrors etc. You are not alone.

Lorna

[Breez]

How to forgive your self (blackouts)

Hi & Welcome:

I suggest downloading the book if you haven't already and take the supps/Topa for the cravings. Read the posts & glad you found us.

[Arial]

How to forgive your self (blackouts)

Welcome

:welcome: Ylfa,

Glad to have you with us! - it's now time to look forward, not back. We can't do anything about the past, but we have choices for the future - and you've made your decision - you've also made the first step by coming here, so focus not on feeling bad about what you may have done, but put all your energy into making sure it's not going to happen again. This is a wonderful, supportive group of people, so keep coming back - look forward to getting to know you better

[KatieSmiles]

How to forgive your self (blackouts)

Welcome Ylfa!

This is a great site.

Keep reading and posting!

k

[lushy]

How to forgive your self (blackouts)

Welcome! I too would advise getting the book and seeing which aspects of the programs might help you. You can overcome this. You just have to set your mind to it. I wish you the best......

[ylfa]

How to forgive your self (blackouts)

Thank you all so much. I have the book and read it all the time. It is also an AA radio here were I live and it is from USA. I listen to it all the time. I feel better read what you say. Here were I live is very small population and it is nice to can express your self here to aside the AA meeting.
Take care
Ylfa

[Chef]

How to forgive your self (blackouts)

Ylfa, like everyone else has said, you've taken the first step by coming here and wanting change. First and foremost, forgive yourself . . . Lord, knows I've done A LOT of stupid things while drunk, and I still find myself getting that gutwrenching feeling of guilt in my stomach when I start to think about it, however, that's when you STOP those thoughts dead in their tracks . . . and remind yourself that you were drunk. Is this the kind of stuff you would do if sober? Probably not, so just remind YOU of who YOU are. So, work on forgiving youself first, and ask for others' forgiveness later. Be kind to yourself

[shitzulover]

How to forgive your self (blackouts)

Ylfa, what station is AA radio-is it on satallite radio?

[hidden_gem]

How to forgive your self (blackouts)

Hi Ylfa,

Lovely to meet you!

Ylfa, I have had exactly the same problems. I know the feeling of being frightened to run into people that I have been drinking with, and that feeling of shame and guilt, because I knew I had behaved badly, but I also didn’t know exactly what I had said. In fact, I wanted to avoid everyone, because I didn’t want to know what I had said – I didn’t want to deal with the shame.

I also couldn’t stop myself thinking about it – for weeks afterwards. I would run over and over things in my head, beating myself up about it constantly. Now I see that I even beat myself up about things that I say when I am sober.

I think that when a person is sensitive, we get so worried about things that we get drunk to block out that voice inside our heads that always is telling us that “you just said the wrong thing, I can’t believe you said that, you should have know better.” So sometimes we get drunk to shut the voice up – but then it just comes back the next day with even more to be angry at us about.

I think the solution is to do what others have suggested here – and be kind to yourself. I know that once I learn to do that, I won’t feel as if I need to drink to give myself some peace. I know that it is a long road for me to get there – but I think I can do it. I think you can, too.

Lots of love to you,

Gem x

[888Katie888]

How to forgive your self (blackouts)

Gem, Just reading around here, You have given me good insight to get through today-not to be so hard on myself-forgive myself-then there is not so much stress to get through another alcohol free day, if we have a little kindness on ourselves, give ourselves some credit for trying, and concentrate on the good things we have done and can do when not drunk. Guilt can be a hard thing to deal with. It's true that i also get drunk to shut up that voice in my head that beats myself up-you helped me realize this. today i'm on day 5! proud to be going forward!! Every day there is something here to read to get through the day, thankyou, so much, Katie

[chrysa]

How to forgive your self (blackouts)

Quilt is born of fear. Fear never heals. Forgiveness is born of love. Love is the only thing that heals.

[hidden_gem]

How to forgive your self (blackouts)

Wow thanks Katie (and all your 8s!)

Always lovely to know when you’ve helped another. The main thing I wanted from my post (for Ylfa, and you, and anyone else) is to let you know that you AREN’T the only one whose mind does this to you.

So what’s the solution?
Chrysa gave it to us right there. It’s love. Love for yourself. Forgiveness for yourself. As Chrysa said, guilt is born of fear.

Fear that we can’t love ourselves, fear that we can’t love others, fear that others won’t love us. Here are the things we struggle with each day.

So find the things about yourself that you CAN love – and build from there.

Ylfa and Katie – if you’re stuck – a great thing to love about yourself would be your bravery in coming here and speaking out, and your obvious determination to make a change. It’s not about fixing everything overnight and becoming an ideal person. It’s about noting what you would like to change, and making baby steps towards it.

Lots of love

Gem x