My story: Bzzd

[Bzzd]

I came across this site purely by accident and have been reading it since 2am and it is about 6:30 now. I am inspired by all that I have read and getting more and more motivated to make a serious move to get my life back and live an AF life.

I grew up drinking. Pictures of me as a baby my dad giving me a sip of beer. Drinking what was left in the bottles of beer on the counter as the adults in the other room holler to us kids. "Grab me another beer". Being Irish, Scottish Irish, German and French I suppose I never really had a chance.

My whole family on both side have addiction and mental illness going back as far as we go. My Grandfather died and alcoholic living the last 18 yrs of his life on the streets of Seattle. Every family event revolves fully around alcohol and thats just how we do it and all I ever really new.

I started drinking daily when I was 20 or so (I am 44 now). I have been drinking a 12pk to a case a day every day since. (20yr x 365dys a yr=7300days x 12 beers a day =87600 beer and thats probably a low number). I did stop once and on the second day went to the ER shaking uncontrollably. I got out that night and went straight back to it.

I lost my girl about 5 yrs ago and a still miss her everyday since then held a close friend as he died about a year after that. So these last 5 yrs I burn through beer like I don't care if I wake up tomorrow. Trying to find that sweet spot of perfect numbness with nothing but a smile on my face and happy thoughts. I live alone and drink alone most nights. I get visitors now and again but for the most part it's just me and my dog "Girl".

Most nights I don't find that sweet spot. I cry alot or the thoughts of what a pitiful fu*k I have become rule the day. It's been getting dark in here for along time to almost black now. Not really caring if I wake up and hope someone finds me before my dog starves to death. Yeah I no how it sounds and it is how I feel all the time. I am scared to death I am drinking myself to death but on the other hand scared that not having that drink is gonna leave me alone with my thoughts and feelings.

The last few years I have been having alot of dizziness and a dull kind of feeling in my brain. I am getting an MRI next week to "find the problem" but I think I have a pretty good idea what it is. I lay around just waiting for my brain stem to just shut off a vital organ or just tell me to stop breathing. I am so sad and so alone with no clue of how to get out of this hole I have dug. It has become so deep now the exit is not even the pin point of light it use to be. It's just getting darker.

A blessing I suppose that I woke at 2am with no beer in the fridge. A google search "how to stop drinking" lead me to this site and I have been on here since almost afraid to leave. I no when I get off here I am going to the store for beer. Today at least I am doing it with the plan of 1 beer an hour. I'm sure I will fail today but it is a seed at the moment and might take a bit for it to get well rooted. The plan is a long taper off 18 today 17 tomorrow and so on. I may even cut a beer out every other day instead of daily.I'm sure I can't do the quicker taper off program (1 week). I went for the longer term taper because I live alone and don't get alot of visitors. If I have a seizure there is no one here to call 911. So I figure this is the safer plan.

I no I should do a rehab of whatever but I would ever make it through that and for sure no way to pay for it. I may try AA but have a sour taste for it having if forced on me by the courts many years ago, but I am a little more open to the thought now. I really don't no were I am heading but when I woke up this morning I didn't even have a road. I look forward to the day I look back at this and read what I have written this morning. I look forward to were I am going to be at that time and were I will be when I read the words I write that day further in the future.

Day 1: 18 beers - 1 per hour.
cheers

[satz123]

My story: Bzzd

Bzzd
I am truly touched by your post.
Hang in here you will be safe.
Others with great wisdom are going to follow me and you will be enveloped in kindness - trust me :l
There are some who are tapering on MWO and will help you to find your way out of this....
I am fairly new to sobriety - but like you drank every day until I found this site..

Stay close today ok ?

[Wine-no!]

My story: Bzzd

Bzzd - first, have a ((((hug))))). Second. I'm glad you found us. Together we can do this!

I can hear you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Now is the time to do something about it. Like you say, reduce the beers and then get this depressant out of your life... I can't believe how much my mood has improved since ditching the booze and the negative self chatter stopped in it's tracks!

Keep coming back and checking in x

[broken halo]

My story: Bzzd

Bzzd, hello and welcome

I have read and reread your post, it brought tears to my eyes. It does sound as though you are in a very dark and lonely place. It needn't always be like that.

I am so sad and so alone with no clue of how to get out of this hole I have dug. It has become so deep now the exit is not even the pin point of light it use to be. It's just getting darker

Maybe this place is just right to bring that pin point of light back and help you make it grow. You won't be judged here, and you will find a lot of help and support. Welcome to MWO. :l

[satz123]

My story: Bzzd

And go over and join into the Newbie's Nest - great folks over there :
https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...est-30074.html newbie nest
and great tools here to read :
https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html tool box

[hart]

My story: Bzzd

(((Bzzd)))

Hon 44 is to damn young to give up. And your dog needs you. You can and will do this. You will falter at times. But you just will have to start over. Taper a beer a day is a start. You can also get on Chat. Sometimes it takes a while for someone to come along but they will. I'll check periodically to see if you are there. My hubby is starting work for the first time in about 4 mos so I'll have time Saturday. You can do this hon. You are not alone now. You have MWO.

[Zenstyle]

My story: Bzzd

Ahhh... Bzzd... :l:l:l

I know that dark place you're in, as do a lot of the people on this site. I was there myself on numerous occasions. In my opinion it's a combination of things that brings us to that place... stressful/sad/debilitating life events plus boozing being the chief culprits imho.

When you're in that much of a funk there is no way around it... you have to stop drinking in order to get your life back on track. There is NO WAY you can turn it around while you're depressed and also tits up in a bottle... you have to make the odds better for yourself and that involves ditching the grog.

I understand about it being part of your heritage... mine too. I grew up with it (alcoholic mother) and started drinking at 14. Finally though, you get to a point where you realize that it doesn't have to be that way... there are alternatives to how we live our lives... and this is where you're at now I think... old enough and wise enough to see that you can do what you want with your life... but too sick from the drinking to be able to do anything about it. :upset:

I hope you'll stick around here. There is plenty of support to be had and a lot of camaraderie... and you're "talking" to people that intuitively know what you are about... we're all addicts.

Good luck with your taper. I've done it also... you must be regimental about not going over your daily limit. It's very do-able and as you get less alcohol in your system you'll start to think clearer and I reckon things will seem brighter. And keep posting and reading please.

You're not alone.

[pixie]

My story: Bzzd

I just wanted to say welcome Bzzd, you happened upon a great place. Loads of people here you have been through or are still going through very similar things.

Tapering sounds like a good idea. Keep posting every day here - this thread could be your diary if you'd like. Or find some other threads if you'd prefer, but KEEP POSTING. It really does help.

Alcohol is a depressant - you WILL feel better when you kick it away. You just have to have faith, and stick it out. Hope to see you around!

[Kradle123]

My story: Bzzd

Welcome, :welcome: Bzzd. I had complete tears reading your post. So many of us here have been in that dark, horrible place. I have been in that dark, horrible place.
I am 51 and honestly at 44 I had no clue that drinking WAS the primary problem . It was everything else but certainly Not that! I truly though drinking was the only way to cope with all those problems...

So you are way ahead of the game though I know you feel way behind.

Stay very close to us here. There are just to many wonderful souls here to list and all of em are at different stages of their journey.

You are not alone ANYMORE so get ready for lots of visitors!!!
:l

[Bzzd]

My story: Bzzd

Thank you all very much for the kind words. It really means alot to me.

Day 2:
Yesterday was a fail as expected. I woke up like I just regained consciousness after an explosion. Ears ringing and a dull throb in my head like my brain is doing everything it can to keep me alive. I hate this feeling. I remember I used to wake up and the second my feet hit the floor I was moving. Now I sit on the edge of the couch holding my head in hands in utter disgust with myself. Scan through the empty beer cans and shit strung across the table in search of a partially smoked cigarette.

The first thought is to have a few to get past the hump and hope for the best for the rest of the day. That for me always turns into an all day drinking session. I am never able to have just those few. I did learn that I drink anywhere from 4 to 6 beers an hour so the 1 beer an hour thing is gonna be alot harder than I thought. Maybe my first goal is to get to 2 beers an hour lol. I only bought a half rack but burned through it in no time and was back at the store before they closed. It is amazing that scary hopeless feeling you get when you are out of beer and the stores are closed or it is past 2am.

Well I will give it a try again today. I fixed my bike yesterday so I took Girl out for a run. It kept me from drinking til 3pm so I think alot of this is gonna be keeping busy. I have plenty of things to do around the house. Usually I wind up krackin a beer though while I do anything around the house. Actually pretty much anything I do revolves around beers lol. I already feel a fail coming so I guess I already no how the day is gonna end and my tomorrow is gonna start. I'm really not sure how I am gonna do this. It feels very hopeless. I already feel it coming on. I guess at least now I am trying or wanting to try. A step in the right direction however small.

[paulywogg]

My story: Bzzd

bzzd,it feels hopeless to you right now cuz your in the midst of all that al,trust me,ive been there done it,wondering how the hell im ever gonna be able to get out of it,on one of my binges i drank 30 beers in a day,i just had to taper down little by little,it can be done,but its not easy,you have to be strong,as the taper progresses it does get easier though,just try to pace it out longer

[3June2013]

My story: Bzzd

Bzzd if getting out of the house with girl helps, then it's a win win. Girl will love all the walks/runs and you will feel better for it.

Are you eating?

Have a look around there are threads about tapering that may help. I am not much help in that department but I can say this, you need to lose the guilt and the shame. You have a lot of learning to undo and it will take time. I too grew up with AL being in every part of my family life. I drank for 40 years and when I found MWO it changed everything.

We want to help.

[Bzzd]

My story: Bzzd

Again thank you for the kind words and encouragement. It is not falling on deaf ears. I don't think I am ready to reach out to others yet for support and help because my heart is still not just fully in it yet. All it would do is make me feel worse for letting people down. The guilt and shame is already a hard load to carry, but I will get there. A couple days ago I just was waiting for something drastic to happen and force me to quit.

Yes 3june I am eating. I actually really love to cook. So drinking and making some long slow al day food is one of my favorite things to do. I have also read some tapering threads. That is kind of how I really started this. When I came across one in a google search.

Day 3:

It wasn't productive day yesterday ,but after I got over the morning funk the day didn't seem so bleak. I started around 3pm again and stopped at 8pm. Just wasn't in the mood for it. I did have a few right before bed but still not to bad in comparison to a normal day.

My goal is to stay as busy as I can and not start til late as possible. Then just get a 6pk of tall boys and leave it at that. I've thought more about just going in for a detox but I'd like to give this a better shot before I do. We'll see how it goes. I have a few friends that have quit and don't really even miss it. so I may hit them up for advice also along the way. For the moment I just don't want to reach out and get a lot of people involved in the train wreck just yet.

Again thank you all for the comments. The luv is much appreciated.

[paulywogg]

My story: Bzzd

keep us posted on how things are going bzzd