Hello.
I've been lurking here off and on for a number of years. Usually after googling something to do with alcohol addiction, I wind up finding some tid bit in these forums.
Here's my brief story:
I first drank at 18. I'm 36 now. My dad bought me my first alcohol, my sister was 16 at the time. We drank with him.
I eventually moved out with a boyfriend who drank- I spent the next four years pretty much drinking nearly every day with him and different friends. I hated the hangovers, but didn't see my drinking as a problem. I was more bothered by the fact that I smoked cigarettes. He and I got married, then divorced. Just not compatible. I moved out and back in with Dad for a month- who wasn't drinking at the time. I wasn't either, just didn't want to. Met an old high school boyfriend and we started dating, moved in with him quickly. The first year was pretty great and happy. We were building a house together, I was going to college. We talked about getting married and kids. I didn't drink at all during that time. Didn't want to. Then, I got pregnant. He was really freaked out and pretty much coerced me into getting an abortion. And I did. Then it all fell apart for me. I was devestaed. I felt like I killed my own kid, I resented him, I felt like he made me do it. I'm still dealing with all those old feelings of resentment and loathing toward him. But that was over nearly ten years ago. I think I was 23 when that happened. So I started drinking and smoking again. Did some drunk make out sessions with other guys while he was off on a business trip. I finally left abortion boyfriend and moved out on my own where I could drink and be reckless without recrimination. So I drank and was reckless until I got pregnant by one boyfriend. I quit drinking when I was pregnant. Left him, had my baby and started drinking again after she was born. I used stress as a reason. Went back to baby dady briefly, but then got a full time job and left him again. Still drinking often. Feeling increasingly guilty, and wanting to cut back.
Met a new guy, now my husband. We drank together, and it seemed fun at first. Then I got pregnant, and we got married. I quit again while pregnant, but started after my second daughter was born. Again, stress was the reason. More and more guilt and feeling like I should cut down.
Cutting down hasn't worked. It just makes me crave the beer more during the abstainence times, and when I do allow myself to drink I really over do it.
Now I'm sick of this lifestyle and I know I have to give it up all together. But that's what I'm struggling with. Give it up? Giving up implies going without something I kind of like. But I don't like it any more. It sucks.
I read Allen Carr's book The Easy Way to Control Alcohol. I quit for five days. Slipped up and read it a second time. Made it maybe five days. Then I read it a third time and made it a week. I really did feel free each time. But then I got to a point where I thought- what the heck one night of drinking won't hurt. That was about a week ago, and I've been drinking six days straight. Part of the problem is that my husband still likes his beer, and then I talk myself into drinking with him. I've asked him to read the book too, and he's started today.
I now see alcohol for what it is- poison, and a trap. I know I can quit on my own. But its tempting to want to drink with my husband- because that's been a big part of our lives together, to relax and destress at the end of the day with some cold beers. I need to quit even if he doesn't. The times I didn't drink, he didn't either. I think he can still take it or leave it. But me- I need to leave it because when I take it, I take too much. One sip is too much for me.
So here I am. This will be another day one of quitting out of many failed attempts from the past. This time I'm going try to be active in this community of like minded folks who want to quit too, who are quitting. I'm tired of living in a fog. Being too tired to be a fun mom for my girls. Grouchy tired mom. Not cool. No more lame excuses to drink poison.
Wish me luck! I'm already lucky- somehow I've managed to not be physically dependant on the crap, and I'm healthy- perfect bloodwork recently. What a gift, I shouldn't squander that! I'm looking forward to a new life. I spent the first 18 years of life without alcohol. I want the next 18 years- the rest of my whole life to AF. Goodbye misery, and wasted time and money. Bless you folks for reading this long thing!
T
I've been lurking here off and on for a number of years. Usually after googling something to do with alcohol addiction, I wind up finding some tid bit in these forums.
Here's my brief story:
I first drank at 18. I'm 36 now. My dad bought me my first alcohol, my sister was 16 at the time. We drank with him.
I eventually moved out with a boyfriend who drank- I spent the next four years pretty much drinking nearly every day with him and different friends. I hated the hangovers, but didn't see my drinking as a problem. I was more bothered by the fact that I smoked cigarettes. He and I got married, then divorced. Just not compatible. I moved out and back in with Dad for a month- who wasn't drinking at the time. I wasn't either, just didn't want to. Met an old high school boyfriend and we started dating, moved in with him quickly. The first year was pretty great and happy. We were building a house together, I was going to college. We talked about getting married and kids. I didn't drink at all during that time. Didn't want to. Then, I got pregnant. He was really freaked out and pretty much coerced me into getting an abortion. And I did. Then it all fell apart for me. I was devestaed. I felt like I killed my own kid, I resented him, I felt like he made me do it. I'm still dealing with all those old feelings of resentment and loathing toward him. But that was over nearly ten years ago. I think I was 23 when that happened. So I started drinking and smoking again. Did some drunk make out sessions with other guys while he was off on a business trip. I finally left abortion boyfriend and moved out on my own where I could drink and be reckless without recrimination. So I drank and was reckless until I got pregnant by one boyfriend. I quit drinking when I was pregnant. Left him, had my baby and started drinking again after she was born. I used stress as a reason. Went back to baby dady briefly, but then got a full time job and left him again. Still drinking often. Feeling increasingly guilty, and wanting to cut back.
Met a new guy, now my husband. We drank together, and it seemed fun at first. Then I got pregnant, and we got married. I quit again while pregnant, but started after my second daughter was born. Again, stress was the reason. More and more guilt and feeling like I should cut down.
Cutting down hasn't worked. It just makes me crave the beer more during the abstainence times, and when I do allow myself to drink I really over do it.
Now I'm sick of this lifestyle and I know I have to give it up all together. But that's what I'm struggling with. Give it up? Giving up implies going without something I kind of like. But I don't like it any more. It sucks.
I read Allen Carr's book The Easy Way to Control Alcohol. I quit for five days. Slipped up and read it a second time. Made it maybe five days. Then I read it a third time and made it a week. I really did feel free each time. But then I got to a point where I thought- what the heck one night of drinking won't hurt. That was about a week ago, and I've been drinking six days straight. Part of the problem is that my husband still likes his beer, and then I talk myself into drinking with him. I've asked him to read the book too, and he's started today.
I now see alcohol for what it is- poison, and a trap. I know I can quit on my own. But its tempting to want to drink with my husband- because that's been a big part of our lives together, to relax and destress at the end of the day with some cold beers. I need to quit even if he doesn't. The times I didn't drink, he didn't either. I think he can still take it or leave it. But me- I need to leave it because when I take it, I take too much. One sip is too much for me.
So here I am. This will be another day one of quitting out of many failed attempts from the past. This time I'm going try to be active in this community of like minded folks who want to quit too, who are quitting. I'm tired of living in a fog. Being too tired to be a fun mom for my girls. Grouchy tired mom. Not cool. No more lame excuses to drink poison.
Wish me luck! I'm already lucky- somehow I've managed to not be physically dependant on the crap, and I'm healthy- perfect bloodwork recently. What a gift, I shouldn't squander that! I'm looking forward to a new life. I spent the first 18 years of life without alcohol. I want the next 18 years- the rest of my whole life to AF. Goodbye misery, and wasted time and money. Bless you folks for reading this long thing!
T
Comment