Well I suppose I start by telling you how I am feeling right now. A little bit better than I was yesterday, because I haven't had a drink since Friday evening (until now of course, I am sitting here with a gin and tonic in my hand - cant face starting this without a drink). Yesterday, I felt terrible. Friday night was just another night for me, I intended to stay in and drink a bottle of wine and probably start on a second one, I could probably get away with a second one because my husband and daughter were going out to the pub and I was "being good" and not joining them. Really it meant that I could drink more without anyone watching me. Anyhow an hour and a half after they had left and just as I was about to open the second bottle, my daughter came back to get me. "Come on, it's great in there, come and enjoy yourself." FATAL.
You see, I am alright in my own home (to an extent) sometimes I end up being argumentative with my family, I often make promises to the kids which I can't even remember the next day (what sort of a mother is that), I often phone "tolerant" members of family at stupid hours and can't remember the conversation the next day, but all of these I can just about cope with. Don't get me wrong, I wake up the following morning after an event such as this and feel absolutely terrible, not only the hangover and the general malaise, but the absolute knowledge that I absolutely despise myself and what I am doing to my family. I am, people would say, as near to an altruistic person as you can find, I far too often put other people's needs before my own, I am always willing to help other people, however, I can't do this one simple thing for myself and those I love most. Stop or cut down on my drinking!! Why?
Anyhow, back to the Friday night. We set off to the pub and as usual when I walked in everybody wanted to say hello. Life and soul of the party - well that's what I thought. We live in France and it is not always easy with the language barrier to know what people are actually saying about you. However, whenever we go in the pub everyone seems very friendly and kind. Now bear in mind that I have already consumed a bottle of wine on my own, I then order half a litre of wine at the bar. Have learned this trick, on the premise that it is cheaper by the half or full carafe (couldn't possibly order a full carafe - that would be far too greedy), what it really means is that I don't have that agonising wait for my husband and daughter to finish their drinks before I can pour another. What is it with people, why on earth do they drink so slowly! Within 30 minutes the wine is gone. Shall we go? my husband asks. No, lets have one more, I say, it's great in here there are loads of people we know.
Now there are different types in the pub, there are the social drinkers, the young adults meeting friends and there are the drunks. Why is it, that I seem to attract the drunks. The very people that if I was sober, I would cross over to the other side of the road to avoid. I can see my husband and daughter getting more and more embarassed as I join in with the futile blah, blah, blah that drunks talk together, that to anyone else is completely incomprehensible. Eventually they manage to get me to leave. Swaying all over the place and slurring my words - Oh my God, what an embarassment! When we get home I get a real dressing down from my hubby. However, even as I write this, I can't remember everything I did or what he said, which makes it even worse. All I know, is that he is still not really talking to me and keeps saying he is very angry. I am too scared to ask him exactly why, because then he would know how bad I really was.
This is hopefully, the last of many times that I will be like this. I have many times tried to seek help for my drinking and usually after an evening such as this. Actually contacted AA at one time, but because I am in France and they didnt have any English speaking meetings within a one hundred mile radius, I decided I would try on my own to quit. After two weeks I had convinced myself that I would not be the same person without a drink and that I could control it if I tried hard enough. And I did, for a few weeks or months and then slowly it starts to creep back up on you again.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not what many people would class as a "full blown" alcoholic. As in, I don't drink hard spirits (very ocasionally - hence the g and t now), I never drink until 5 in the evening, unless I am at a social event, such as a luncheon or a wedding. I have until recently when I moved to France always held down very successful jobs, I am the mother of a large family, one of my own and successfully brought up 5 children from my husband's first marriage. I did a degree part time at the age of 37 whilst looking after 6 children. I am, what most people would say a very dedicated, strong, successful, confident women.
I think that is one of the problems. The words successful, strong, confident. These give you the impression that you can't fail, you need to be strong for everyone else, you need to show no cracks, be the life and soul, always put a brave face on. However, inside I am anything but confident, I absolutely do not like myself. I hate my body, I hate me. I am unworthy of this praise, I am unworthy of this love, however, I must keep up the pretence and show to the outside world what they want to see, because if I really thought that they felt the same way that I do, then that would be it. Life would not be worth living. When you despise and hate yourself, you need the adoration and respect of others because you can't give it to yourself. However, you can't run from yourself, because you are always with yourself, so it is only for so much of the time that you can cope, and if you are not getting the continual praise and self respect from others to boost your self esteem then you have to look within. This is where the alcohol comes in, it blurs the edges, it allows you to see yourself in a more favourable light. It becomes your best friend, the one person/thing that won't criticise, that always makes you feel good (at the time you are drinking it). But, boy does it come back to bite you big style the next day, you feel absolutely terribe, remorseful, hate yourself even more, and always, always start the day with the "Today, I am not going to drink" - until 5pm, when the alcohol monster starts to talk to you inside your brain. This is what it is. Do you remember the old tomagotchas, that the kids all had, that you had to feed, take to the toilet, play with etc. It reminds me of one of those. It starts stamping it's feet, saying FEED ME. And it is really good at tricking you, just one won't do any harm, you know it relaxes you. Tomorrow would be a better day to stop, (by the way, you can always find something that is stressful in your lifes if you try hard enough, I have even used the excuse that I have no stress and that I am bored! How sad is that.
Anyhow, I decided on Saturday morning that enough was enough. That I had to get this problem under control. So I searched the internet, expecting the usual AA meetings etc. Never really fancied that, didn't like the spiritual aspect of it and the cleansing of the soul and saying sorry to everyone you had hurt.
When I found this forum and the MWO website, I realised that this was it! This was exactly what I have been looking for. Something that is a holistic approach, that I could do in my own home, but with a forum like this where I can talk to others when I need to.
As I said, I now live in France and as such do not have a very good relationship with my doctor. Although, very nice, more than a bit archaic and also the language barrier is a really big thing. So, I have decided to go it alone, and have bought the tapes, the supplements, subscribed, read the book etc. I have ordered the topa from india. I am going back to the UK tomorrow for a weeks holiday and am so excited about coming back because I am hoping that everything will be here ready for me to start.
My only worry is that I am always looking for the latest fad. I have tried every diet going but never succeeded (however, I do believe that that was down to the drinking), I tend to be very enthusiastic at the beginning, but get bored very easily. I really do hope this is different, because I believe if I can get my drinking under control, I can get my health, my weight, my self esteem back.
I am absolutely terrified of failure once again, how many times can you keep trying and failing, eventually it is easier not to try. I am going to go for the moderation, but I want to do 30 days without first - I have tried this, so many times and have never got past 10. I would be so proud of myself if I could do this, but am scared of failing again.
Any help would be greatly appreciated. I am excited and scared all at the same time.
Amanda:new: :thanks:
You see, I am alright in my own home (to an extent) sometimes I end up being argumentative with my family, I often make promises to the kids which I can't even remember the next day (what sort of a mother is that), I often phone "tolerant" members of family at stupid hours and can't remember the conversation the next day, but all of these I can just about cope with. Don't get me wrong, I wake up the following morning after an event such as this and feel absolutely terrible, not only the hangover and the general malaise, but the absolute knowledge that I absolutely despise myself and what I am doing to my family. I am, people would say, as near to an altruistic person as you can find, I far too often put other people's needs before my own, I am always willing to help other people, however, I can't do this one simple thing for myself and those I love most. Stop or cut down on my drinking!! Why?
Anyhow, back to the Friday night. We set off to the pub and as usual when I walked in everybody wanted to say hello. Life and soul of the party - well that's what I thought. We live in France and it is not always easy with the language barrier to know what people are actually saying about you. However, whenever we go in the pub everyone seems very friendly and kind. Now bear in mind that I have already consumed a bottle of wine on my own, I then order half a litre of wine at the bar. Have learned this trick, on the premise that it is cheaper by the half or full carafe (couldn't possibly order a full carafe - that would be far too greedy), what it really means is that I don't have that agonising wait for my husband and daughter to finish their drinks before I can pour another. What is it with people, why on earth do they drink so slowly! Within 30 minutes the wine is gone. Shall we go? my husband asks. No, lets have one more, I say, it's great in here there are loads of people we know.
Now there are different types in the pub, there are the social drinkers, the young adults meeting friends and there are the drunks. Why is it, that I seem to attract the drunks. The very people that if I was sober, I would cross over to the other side of the road to avoid. I can see my husband and daughter getting more and more embarassed as I join in with the futile blah, blah, blah that drunks talk together, that to anyone else is completely incomprehensible. Eventually they manage to get me to leave. Swaying all over the place and slurring my words - Oh my God, what an embarassment! When we get home I get a real dressing down from my hubby. However, even as I write this, I can't remember everything I did or what he said, which makes it even worse. All I know, is that he is still not really talking to me and keeps saying he is very angry. I am too scared to ask him exactly why, because then he would know how bad I really was.
This is hopefully, the last of many times that I will be like this. I have many times tried to seek help for my drinking and usually after an evening such as this. Actually contacted AA at one time, but because I am in France and they didnt have any English speaking meetings within a one hundred mile radius, I decided I would try on my own to quit. After two weeks I had convinced myself that I would not be the same person without a drink and that I could control it if I tried hard enough. And I did, for a few weeks or months and then slowly it starts to creep back up on you again.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not what many people would class as a "full blown" alcoholic. As in, I don't drink hard spirits (very ocasionally - hence the g and t now), I never drink until 5 in the evening, unless I am at a social event, such as a luncheon or a wedding. I have until recently when I moved to France always held down very successful jobs, I am the mother of a large family, one of my own and successfully brought up 5 children from my husband's first marriage. I did a degree part time at the age of 37 whilst looking after 6 children. I am, what most people would say a very dedicated, strong, successful, confident women.
I think that is one of the problems. The words successful, strong, confident. These give you the impression that you can't fail, you need to be strong for everyone else, you need to show no cracks, be the life and soul, always put a brave face on. However, inside I am anything but confident, I absolutely do not like myself. I hate my body, I hate me. I am unworthy of this praise, I am unworthy of this love, however, I must keep up the pretence and show to the outside world what they want to see, because if I really thought that they felt the same way that I do, then that would be it. Life would not be worth living. When you despise and hate yourself, you need the adoration and respect of others because you can't give it to yourself. However, you can't run from yourself, because you are always with yourself, so it is only for so much of the time that you can cope, and if you are not getting the continual praise and self respect from others to boost your self esteem then you have to look within. This is where the alcohol comes in, it blurs the edges, it allows you to see yourself in a more favourable light. It becomes your best friend, the one person/thing that won't criticise, that always makes you feel good (at the time you are drinking it). But, boy does it come back to bite you big style the next day, you feel absolutely terribe, remorseful, hate yourself even more, and always, always start the day with the "Today, I am not going to drink" - until 5pm, when the alcohol monster starts to talk to you inside your brain. This is what it is. Do you remember the old tomagotchas, that the kids all had, that you had to feed, take to the toilet, play with etc. It reminds me of one of those. It starts stamping it's feet, saying FEED ME. And it is really good at tricking you, just one won't do any harm, you know it relaxes you. Tomorrow would be a better day to stop, (by the way, you can always find something that is stressful in your lifes if you try hard enough, I have even used the excuse that I have no stress and that I am bored! How sad is that.
Anyhow, I decided on Saturday morning that enough was enough. That I had to get this problem under control. So I searched the internet, expecting the usual AA meetings etc. Never really fancied that, didn't like the spiritual aspect of it and the cleansing of the soul and saying sorry to everyone you had hurt.
When I found this forum and the MWO website, I realised that this was it! This was exactly what I have been looking for. Something that is a holistic approach, that I could do in my own home, but with a forum like this where I can talk to others when I need to.
As I said, I now live in France and as such do not have a very good relationship with my doctor. Although, very nice, more than a bit archaic and also the language barrier is a really big thing. So, I have decided to go it alone, and have bought the tapes, the supplements, subscribed, read the book etc. I have ordered the topa from india. I am going back to the UK tomorrow for a weeks holiday and am so excited about coming back because I am hoping that everything will be here ready for me to start.
My only worry is that I am always looking for the latest fad. I have tried every diet going but never succeeded (however, I do believe that that was down to the drinking), I tend to be very enthusiastic at the beginning, but get bored very easily. I really do hope this is different, because I believe if I can get my drinking under control, I can get my health, my weight, my self esteem back.
I am absolutely terrified of failure once again, how many times can you keep trying and failing, eventually it is easier not to try. I am going to go for the moderation, but I want to do 30 days without first - I have tried this, so many times and have never got past 10. I would be so proud of myself if I could do this, but am scared of failing again.
Any help would be greatly appreciated. I am excited and scared all at the same time.
Amanda:new: :thanks:
Suz 
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