WARNING ? Long Post
Where do I begin? I suppose that it is best if I start with my history and explain to not only you all but to myself how I got to this place I find myself.
I was a pretty typical teenager, got into trouble, experimented and went to some drinking parties. I really didn?t like who I had become and so dropped out of college and joined the military. I ended up over seas and spent some time in the first Gulf Conflict. I would say I was the typical young guy going out to experience Europe and with that came a lot of partying, fairly typical for my age.
After the military I ended up in college getting my EE degree. I was a bit older and didn?t party very much because I had to support my way through college and attend classes. I lived off campus the entire time and occasionally I would go out drinking with my friends.
I began work as a professional and was working my tail of averaging 63 hours a week for 3 years. I grew very disenchanted with it and started looking for something else to do. I had a friend that worked at a patent law firm and he asked me to come in because they needed engineers to interpret technical things especially electrical. I got the job and at this point it is also when I started to have some issues. At the time I really didn?t know what they were regarding drinking but it was associated with work and stress. I worked for some of the biggest egomaniacs in the world that continually brow beat me for not writing like a lawyer. Well duh! I am an engineer by training. I started to drink very often. After 8 months I actually just quit. You know the kind where you arrive at work one day, pack up all your things, go to the office manager and tell him what you think they can do? That was the scariest thing I ever did! I had a house payment, no other job prospects, a girlfriend (that would become my wife later on), and other bills. I just couldn?t hack it anymore as I was feeling so beaten up all the time.
The only bright spot was meeting my wife during that time and forming a relationship. We would spend the weekends going places, visiting friends up north of where we lived and partying. Often on a weekend we would BBQ and drink some wine and beer on the front porch watching the world go by. I ended getting a job back at my old firm and did real well there. The only trouble was they had me locked into a non-compete agreement and when we had the down turn in 2000 we were forced to take leave without pay instead of being able to find a new job. It was miserable. I think I really started drinking on a regular basis at this point, but in truth I probably was doing it since the law firm.
In 2001 my Dad had a major heart attack and it was just before Christmas. That had a major impact on me. My father lived but it sent me into a spiral. Things were going absolutely horrible for me at work.
In 2002 I married my wife and things were looking ok. I wasn?t drinking daily but I certainly drank on the weekends. It was starting to get difficult because I developed GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). My wife was already unstable and I started to realize things weren?t so bright and shiny at home.
My wife started having all kinds of difficulties like having part of her thyroid removed, many trips to the hospital for stomach issues, vomiting, depression and you can throw in the kitchen sink during that time as well.
Three months before she got pregnant she was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. She was already under treatment for depression. Once she became pregnant my life got even worse. She had extremely wild mood swings and I basically spent all my time hiding from her wrath. Finally the kiddo comes along and she goes into post-partum. Four months later I get a new job and all of us move from Seattle where all our family is and move to Kansas. After two months in Kansas her favorite uncle dies of Leukemia. It was so devastating because he lived with her and her folks much of his life because of Leukemia.
From 2005 to Jan 2007 our relationship was going down hill. I was being emotionally and verbally abused by her. She wasn?t taking care of our son, had frequent unexplainable outbursts, and in general was not pleasant to be around. I started drinking pretty regaularly and slowed down last summer to only the weekends with a day here and there during the week. She regularly busted on me for drinking. I can tell you though it sure helping me cope with my home life. At least that?s how it felt. Her folks and mine visited several times and really couldn?t figure out what her issue was. My parents were aghast at how she treated me and how much of a mother she wasn?t being to our son.
This January we found out that she is bi-polar. She started treatment. In February she was forced to check into a Psych ward for suicidal thoughts. All this time I am remaining a weekend drinker and occasionally had a night during the week.
So here I am now. Knowing that my health is in jeopardy, it doesn?t help my wife for her issues, it certainly doesn?t help my son either. The entire time I have been drinking I can say that I never started until after 8 pm and my son was in bed. My wife is still struggling with her depression and it affects me terribly.
I am not blaming my wife or anyone else, after all I am the one that raises that beer to my lips, no one else. I do know that the stress of constant travel and the years of pain that I felt over how my wife treated me, having a very stressful job has had a tremendous impact.
I can?t say that I actually have cravings so to speak because I sometimes don?t know what drives me to stop by the store and get a six pack. I just know that I worry about how my son is being treated and when she is having a bad day it usually becomes my bad day as well. It is so damn easy to just say to heck with it and stop and know that after a few beers I wont care as much or Ill finally feel relaxed.
There are so many details I have left out and as time goes on maybe I can open up about them more. At this time all I am trying to do is moderate and avoid drinking every day. Of course my wife wants me to abstain completely but I just don?t feel I am there yet and frankly I don?t want to abstain. In a way I am not sure where I want to be at the moment. I almost feel like checking into someplace where I don?t have to worry about anything for a week, but then again that wouldn?t solve anything.
I drank the weekend before this (friday/saturday night) and really wanted to get started on this program. I allowed myself to drink thur/fri/sat and sunday with the intent of not drinking at all during the week and drinkng less during the weekend. I am not really sure I can do it. My wife is depressed as hell and it makes me feel sick inside. I had her come to work to chat with her in person and hopefully make her feel better. It didnt seem to help. Now I just feel like going hoime and waiting til 8 after my son goes down and haing a few. I was thinking of taking about 3 Kudzu at 5 to see if it slows down how fast and how much I drink.
I think I am just rambling at this point. Anything, any words, any thing.
Where do I begin? I suppose that it is best if I start with my history and explain to not only you all but to myself how I got to this place I find myself.
I was a pretty typical teenager, got into trouble, experimented and went to some drinking parties. I really didn?t like who I had become and so dropped out of college and joined the military. I ended up over seas and spent some time in the first Gulf Conflict. I would say I was the typical young guy going out to experience Europe and with that came a lot of partying, fairly typical for my age.
After the military I ended up in college getting my EE degree. I was a bit older and didn?t party very much because I had to support my way through college and attend classes. I lived off campus the entire time and occasionally I would go out drinking with my friends.
I began work as a professional and was working my tail of averaging 63 hours a week for 3 years. I grew very disenchanted with it and started looking for something else to do. I had a friend that worked at a patent law firm and he asked me to come in because they needed engineers to interpret technical things especially electrical. I got the job and at this point it is also when I started to have some issues. At the time I really didn?t know what they were regarding drinking but it was associated with work and stress. I worked for some of the biggest egomaniacs in the world that continually brow beat me for not writing like a lawyer. Well duh! I am an engineer by training. I started to drink very often. After 8 months I actually just quit. You know the kind where you arrive at work one day, pack up all your things, go to the office manager and tell him what you think they can do? That was the scariest thing I ever did! I had a house payment, no other job prospects, a girlfriend (that would become my wife later on), and other bills. I just couldn?t hack it anymore as I was feeling so beaten up all the time.
The only bright spot was meeting my wife during that time and forming a relationship. We would spend the weekends going places, visiting friends up north of where we lived and partying. Often on a weekend we would BBQ and drink some wine and beer on the front porch watching the world go by. I ended getting a job back at my old firm and did real well there. The only trouble was they had me locked into a non-compete agreement and when we had the down turn in 2000 we were forced to take leave without pay instead of being able to find a new job. It was miserable. I think I really started drinking on a regular basis at this point, but in truth I probably was doing it since the law firm.
In 2001 my Dad had a major heart attack and it was just before Christmas. That had a major impact on me. My father lived but it sent me into a spiral. Things were going absolutely horrible for me at work.
In 2002 I married my wife and things were looking ok. I wasn?t drinking daily but I certainly drank on the weekends. It was starting to get difficult because I developed GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). My wife was already unstable and I started to realize things weren?t so bright and shiny at home.
My wife started having all kinds of difficulties like having part of her thyroid removed, many trips to the hospital for stomach issues, vomiting, depression and you can throw in the kitchen sink during that time as well.
Three months before she got pregnant she was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. She was already under treatment for depression. Once she became pregnant my life got even worse. She had extremely wild mood swings and I basically spent all my time hiding from her wrath. Finally the kiddo comes along and she goes into post-partum. Four months later I get a new job and all of us move from Seattle where all our family is and move to Kansas. After two months in Kansas her favorite uncle dies of Leukemia. It was so devastating because he lived with her and her folks much of his life because of Leukemia.
From 2005 to Jan 2007 our relationship was going down hill. I was being emotionally and verbally abused by her. She wasn?t taking care of our son, had frequent unexplainable outbursts, and in general was not pleasant to be around. I started drinking pretty regaularly and slowed down last summer to only the weekends with a day here and there during the week. She regularly busted on me for drinking. I can tell you though it sure helping me cope with my home life. At least that?s how it felt. Her folks and mine visited several times and really couldn?t figure out what her issue was. My parents were aghast at how she treated me and how much of a mother she wasn?t being to our son.
This January we found out that she is bi-polar. She started treatment. In February she was forced to check into a Psych ward for suicidal thoughts. All this time I am remaining a weekend drinker and occasionally had a night during the week.
So here I am now. Knowing that my health is in jeopardy, it doesn?t help my wife for her issues, it certainly doesn?t help my son either. The entire time I have been drinking I can say that I never started until after 8 pm and my son was in bed. My wife is still struggling with her depression and it affects me terribly.
I am not blaming my wife or anyone else, after all I am the one that raises that beer to my lips, no one else. I do know that the stress of constant travel and the years of pain that I felt over how my wife treated me, having a very stressful job has had a tremendous impact.
I can?t say that I actually have cravings so to speak because I sometimes don?t know what drives me to stop by the store and get a six pack. I just know that I worry about how my son is being treated and when she is having a bad day it usually becomes my bad day as well. It is so damn easy to just say to heck with it and stop and know that after a few beers I wont care as much or Ill finally feel relaxed.
There are so many details I have left out and as time goes on maybe I can open up about them more. At this time all I am trying to do is moderate and avoid drinking every day. Of course my wife wants me to abstain completely but I just don?t feel I am there yet and frankly I don?t want to abstain. In a way I am not sure where I want to be at the moment. I almost feel like checking into someplace where I don?t have to worry about anything for a week, but then again that wouldn?t solve anything.
I drank the weekend before this (friday/saturday night) and really wanted to get started on this program. I allowed myself to drink thur/fri/sat and sunday with the intent of not drinking at all during the week and drinkng less during the weekend. I am not really sure I can do it. My wife is depressed as hell and it makes me feel sick inside. I had her come to work to chat with her in person and hopefully make her feel better. It didnt seem to help. Now I just feel like going hoime and waiting til 8 after my son goes down and haing a few. I was thinking of taking about 3 Kudzu at 5 to see if it slows down how fast and how much I drink.
I think I am just rambling at this point. Anything, any words, any thing.
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