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Day One and I Am Scared.

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    #1

    Day One and I Am Scared.

    I have know this day would have to come for two decades and really even before I became a drunk. I knew it when I learned what my parent's were when I was very young, drunks. I watched my dad die last year a very ugly death because of booze. I m now watching my mom (and have been for 20 years) get closer and closer to the end. I cannot fix things between her and I and it breaks my heart; to not feel her love of acceptance hurts to my core. I happen to be a drunk of a dangerous kind myself. I am the kind who has a wonderful husband and family. Who has a job and friends. Who has never gotten a DWI. I do not get into fights and have my health (right now). This has made me think that it is all OK when it is very much not OK. I feel sick every day until I am two glasses in. I can drink two bottle of wine most nights...sometime more. I am pretty sure I am under the influence most mornings until 9-10am to some degree. I am tired of chasing my tail. I have tried to quite so many times. I can sometime make a whole month but when I start to feel better then I figure I am better. I then tell myself the same thing so many of us do...that we can become a normal drinker. I cannot be. I have to find a way to make this better. I want to fix this now so I do not leave it for my kids like my parent's did. I want to show them that it is OK to feel things and there are other ways of getting though difficult or uncomfortable times. I feel like shit. I do not want to be in my own skin right now. I am having a pity party that I cannot afford the time or money to go into rehab for even a few days. I need help. I feel like I am at my breaking point. I have been on MWO and to AA for years. What can I do different to get sober? I feel so scared. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I always feel like I come home when I come back to MWO. :upset:
    We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
    ~Albert Einstein quote
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    #2
    Day One and I Am Scared.

    Hi, Tatahi

    Welcome back to MWO!

    Even though you aren't new, you would find comraderie and support in the Newbies Nest. The link is given below, as is one to the toolbox. Maybe some new ideas have been added since you were last here.

    You're not alone in "seeming ok" from the outside but being anything but ok on the inside.

    Congratulations on getting your first day AF! Many people find it useful to keep track of days in the Rollcall. I did it for 100 days an it really helped keep me on track. Maybe you could join in there.

    :welcome::welcome::welcome:

    Comment

      #3
      Day One and I Am Scared.

      Tatahi5;1568364 wrote: I have know this day would have to come for two decades and really even before I became a drunk. I knew it when I learned what my parent's were when I was very young, drunks. I watched my dad die last year a very ugly death because of booze. I m now watching my mom (and have been for 20 years) get closer and closer to the end. I cannot fix things between her and I and it breaks my heart; to not feel her love of acceptance hurts to my core. I happen to be a drunk of a dangerous kind myself. I am the kind who has a wonderful husband and family. Who has a job and friends. Who has never gotten a DWI. I do not get into fights and have my health (right now). This has made me think that it is all OK when it is very much not OK. I feel sick every day until I am two glasses in. I can drink two bottle of wine most nights...sometime more. I am pretty sure I am under the influence most mornings until 9-10am to some degree. I am tired of chasing my tail. I have tried to quite so many times. I can sometime make a whole month but when I start to feel better then I figure I am better. I then tell myself the same thing so many of us do...that we can become a normal drinker. I cannot be. I have to find a way to make this better. I want to fix this now so I do not leave it for my kids like my parent's did. I want to show them that it is OK to feel things and there are other ways of getting though difficult or uncomfortable times. I feel like shit. I do not want to be in my own skin right now. I am having a pity party that I cannot afford the time or money to go into rehab for even a few days. I need help. I feel like I am at my breaking point. I have been on MWO and to AA for years. What can I do different to get sober? I feel so scared. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I always feel like I come home when I come back to MWO. :upset:
      welcome aboard! Your story sounds familiar, thank you for sharing it. Alcohol is making you miserable, that's what it does to people like us. What can you do? Read and learn, maybe how think about AL after being 30 days sober needs to be adjusted. I my last relapse last week, I simply forgot that AL was not something I was giving up, it was a poisonous monster that I was getting free of that had absolutely no benefits to me at all.

      I hope day 1 goes easy on you, keep reading and posting :l
      Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it! ~ Goethe

      Comment

        #4
        Day One and I Am Scared.

        hi tat

        perhaps there is some other underlying issue that has not been addressed....depression/anxiety..... i know that i have tried many many times as well...same sort of story...great husband, kids, job, no dui and good health...i finally went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with depression - seasonal affect disorder and adhd....it all fits for me now.. i was having extreme mood fluctuations...and menopausal symtons....i was put on wellbrutrin and have seen a world of difference... i no longer have the severe cravings , irritability or mood swings...i am feeling more balanced each day.....might be worth looking into.....alot of susbstance abuse issues have underlying conditions....
        keep in the loop here on mwo.....
        You've been CRITICISING yourself for years and it hasn't worked. Try APPROVING of yourself and see what happens......

        Comment

          #5
          Day One and I Am Scared.

          Thank you for sharing I joined today. I have a beautiful family and am scared of losing them . I have tried to quit over the past 10 years and it has been a struggle just when I thought I had it beat but something would stress me out. I was recently diagnosed with several medical issues, depression, ptsd, severe anxiety, ocpd, adhd and grief. I'm really encouraged to see I'm not alone especially as a woman and am looking forward to using the supplements and tools this site provides. I wish you all the best and success
          Twisted_pixee:new:

          Comment

            #6
            Day One and I Am Scared.

            You're not alone

            Thank you for sharing I joined today. I have a beautiful family and am scared of losing them . I have tried to quit over the past 10 years and it has been a struggle just when I thought I had it beat but something would stress me out. I was recently diagnosed with several medical issues, depression, ptsd, severe anxiety, ocpd, adhd and grief. I'm really encouraged to see I'm not alone especially as a woman and am looking forward to using the supplements and tools this site provides. I wish you all the best and success
            Twisted_pixee:new:

            Comment

              #7
              Day One and I Am Scared.

              Welcome, Tatahi5:

              You said some powerful words - the most dangerous kind of drunk. That was the kind I was/am (I am only on day 13). All things "normal" on the outside; guilt, shame, hangover, pain on the inside. I found help through therapy and reading here on MWO. When I finally took the leap and joined 13 days ago it made a big difference. I recommend page 31 of the tool box (the link is in No Sugar's signature on her post above) - it is about making a plan to stay alcohol free. There are some great ideas there. Maybe you (and you, too, Twisted Pixie) can stop by the Newbies Nest (under the Just Starting Out link). There are many of us in the first few days/weeks there.

              Comment

                #8
                Day One and I Am Scared.

                Tat I feel for you. Having the wonderful support of people here has made a huge difference in my life. I hope you can do the same. Talking with a doctor sounds like good advice to me. :l
                No matter how far you go or how fast you run, you can't get away from yourself. ....said at an AA meeting. It stuck with me.

                Comment

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