After aother day glued to the forums....I was gently prompted by MossRose to post my story. On the one hand that seems far too scarey and makes me feel very vulnerable, and on the other it feels like it could be a relief...so here goes...
I found MWO 3 or 4 years ago when my life hit the skids again with the collapse of an intense and abusive relationship. It was the 2nd relationship after my marriage failed and I was in shock and very frightened. I'd had to extricate myself and my kids out of it and as a result debts were spiralling and we were eventually made homeless for a while (sofa surfed with my youngest - one went to Dad, who seemed to enjoy my distress, but that's another story, and the eldest found her own arrangements). The ex partner continued to stalk and terrorise me for some time afterwards and it was a dark time. One morning in the midst of all this, when I was already drinking and opening the second bottle, (kids were at their dads) on the internet trying to organise a credits card to help me get through that month (!), i googled 'help..alcohol...wine' and found this sight. I read and read and cried and cried and then got onto 'live chat'. That saved me....got calm, steady words...blurted out my despair, threw up a few times, finished the second bottle, slept, went back on again a few hours later, tipped away the 3 rd bottle and started drinking water. I was a state.
I didn't manage many days AF after that but went backwards and forwards over the years....finally found somewhere safer to live...two kids came with me...the other stayed with dad and its taken us a few more to get close again...another story...but definately found support here with that too. The debts started to get back under control, at one stage had 3 jobs...have been successful in my main job, respected and promoted and find myself now coming to the end of that particular crisis...fingers crossed : )).
I left MWO for a while....wasn't really a concious decision...I kept reading a lot...especially the Tool Box at times...remained impressed but intensely self concious and private...and not particularly brave. I did 30 days AF that built to 3 months, 6 months, 8 months almost a year....then crashed again. I was really angry and disappointed with myself...but now with hindsight I can see how much work I did put into that...and even though I've not managed more than 8 days since...I'm hopeful.
Bit of a ramble...but this is what I learnt about myself and my drinking in my clearer time :
Growing up had been chaotic and it had an impact on me - depression was an issue for me and that needed work .I had done some... but stopped when my marriage broke up 15 years ago. I started to get help again around about the time I found MWO...and its a work in progress....but I'm not a crap person (that's been a revelation to me!)
I started drinking when I was 13 (I'm 51 now)...alcoholic mum who self-medicated to cope with some considerable demons. She's an amazing woman who I admire now so much for the way she pulled herself out of some rubbish stuff. I left home as early as I could...moved away...was almost teetotal from 19 to 32...odd drinks at parties/events...hated the taste and feelings. 15 years ago Husband was discovered having an affair with my closest friend for two years...world collapsed..they tried to take the kids...I got drunk...stayed that way for 3 years...then dragged my ass out of the area with the kids...got a degree..got a profession...got a new home. Relaxed...got myself involved in two rubbish relationships...got drunk....found MWO...managed that almost clear year....can't get back on it....but do see a pattern. I don't value myself enough....lose confidence in the strength that I know I have....can do amazing things....but now I can see that I have almost completely isolated myself. I think that's always been a danger for me....sometimes to focus on pulling my life back together...sometimes to hide the drinking...sometimes to hide the fact that I'm trying not to drink. So much so now that I live in a really rural area where I can completely control who visits/gets close..and no shops anywhere near for popping out for wine. I cancel or refuse any social invitations...and can have a week off and not see or speak to anyone...NUTS!!!
Just read this all back...I am actually quite a sociable person who loves company and I have good friends who have stuck by me. Kids are doing well and my mum and sisters and me are all supportive and caring of each other. My job involves working with distressed and traumatised young people and I know that I make a difference and am wholly commited to it. I try hard to learn from every situation and mostly am optimistic and positive. But I drink too much...at home on my own now mostly...usually a bottle of wine a day (thats an improvement on how it can be during holidays)...I know I can stop because I managed it recently....so that keeps me hopeful....just got to get back on it!
Thanks for reading this....glad you are out there :thanks:
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I found MWO 3 or 4 years ago when my life hit the skids again with the collapse of an intense and abusive relationship. It was the 2nd relationship after my marriage failed and I was in shock and very frightened. I'd had to extricate myself and my kids out of it and as a result debts were spiralling and we were eventually made homeless for a while (sofa surfed with my youngest - one went to Dad, who seemed to enjoy my distress, but that's another story, and the eldest found her own arrangements). The ex partner continued to stalk and terrorise me for some time afterwards and it was a dark time. One morning in the midst of all this, when I was already drinking and opening the second bottle, (kids were at their dads) on the internet trying to organise a credits card to help me get through that month (!), i googled 'help..alcohol...wine' and found this sight. I read and read and cried and cried and then got onto 'live chat'. That saved me....got calm, steady words...blurted out my despair, threw up a few times, finished the second bottle, slept, went back on again a few hours later, tipped away the 3 rd bottle and started drinking water. I was a state.
I didn't manage many days AF after that but went backwards and forwards over the years....finally found somewhere safer to live...two kids came with me...the other stayed with dad and its taken us a few more to get close again...another story...but definately found support here with that too. The debts started to get back under control, at one stage had 3 jobs...have been successful in my main job, respected and promoted and find myself now coming to the end of that particular crisis...fingers crossed : )).
I left MWO for a while....wasn't really a concious decision...I kept reading a lot...especially the Tool Box at times...remained impressed but intensely self concious and private...and not particularly brave. I did 30 days AF that built to 3 months, 6 months, 8 months almost a year....then crashed again. I was really angry and disappointed with myself...but now with hindsight I can see how much work I did put into that...and even though I've not managed more than 8 days since...I'm hopeful.
Bit of a ramble...but this is what I learnt about myself and my drinking in my clearer time :
Growing up had been chaotic and it had an impact on me - depression was an issue for me and that needed work .I had done some... but stopped when my marriage broke up 15 years ago. I started to get help again around about the time I found MWO...and its a work in progress....but I'm not a crap person (that's been a revelation to me!)
I started drinking when I was 13 (I'm 51 now)...alcoholic mum who self-medicated to cope with some considerable demons. She's an amazing woman who I admire now so much for the way she pulled herself out of some rubbish stuff. I left home as early as I could...moved away...was almost teetotal from 19 to 32...odd drinks at parties/events...hated the taste and feelings. 15 years ago Husband was discovered having an affair with my closest friend for two years...world collapsed..they tried to take the kids...I got drunk...stayed that way for 3 years...then dragged my ass out of the area with the kids...got a degree..got a profession...got a new home. Relaxed...got myself involved in two rubbish relationships...got drunk....found MWO...managed that almost clear year....can't get back on it....but do see a pattern. I don't value myself enough....lose confidence in the strength that I know I have....can do amazing things....but now I can see that I have almost completely isolated myself. I think that's always been a danger for me....sometimes to focus on pulling my life back together...sometimes to hide the drinking...sometimes to hide the fact that I'm trying not to drink. So much so now that I live in a really rural area where I can completely control who visits/gets close..and no shops anywhere near for popping out for wine. I cancel or refuse any social invitations...and can have a week off and not see or speak to anyone...NUTS!!!
Just read this all back...I am actually quite a sociable person who loves company and I have good friends who have stuck by me. Kids are doing well and my mum and sisters and me are all supportive and caring of each other. My job involves working with distressed and traumatised young people and I know that I make a difference and am wholly commited to it. I try hard to learn from every situation and mostly am optimistic and positive. But I drink too much...at home on my own now mostly...usually a bottle of wine a day (thats an improvement on how it can be during holidays)...I know I can stop because I managed it recently....so that keeps me hopeful....just got to get back on it!
Thanks for reading this....glad you are out there :thanks:
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