My first drink of alcohol was at age thirteen, with my older sister and her boyfriend. It was the second time I drank that I actually got drunk, also aged thirteen, but with a group of school mates. Alcohol not only gave me a boost in mood, but also in confidence, and I continued to use it not only with my friends but also discreetly at home.
My parents were not bad parents, but they sure missed the signs that their daughter was developing a problem. To make things worse, my dad worked at a liquor company, and would bring home a range of samples of wine, liqueurs and spirits. So many that he didn?t miss the stealthy swigs I took, nor the gulps I shared with my teenaged friends when Mum and Dad were out. (My parents have never been heavy drinkers.)
What started one Friday night became a weekly habit, buying a bottle of Brandivino and drinking it all to myself; getting plastered along with my friends. It then progressed to other random days in the week, and also for ?medicinal? purposes, as I liked how it soothed my nerves (or so I thought.)
And so my drinking life was launched in my early teens, and continued to develop throughout my twenties, thirties and forties. The hangovers, the foolish incidents (and believe me, there were unfortunately incidents so bad that they continue to reverberate to this day) and the regrets still didn?t make me want to stop. Instead I developed a quite romantic attachment to alcohol.
I first sought help for my drinking at age 26. My doctor recommended AA but I didn?t want to go, so I held off the drinking long enough (maybe a month?) to fool myself and the doctor that the drinking was under control. I became concerned enough again at about age 35 to once more tell a doctor just how much alcohol I was consuming on a regular basis. I was referred to an addiction psychologist, and after several sessions I quit drinking for several months. Still refusing to believe I had a serious problem, the drinking resumed.
In 2005 I met my partner. A lot of things seemed to happen at once. I was in the early stages of menopause, my parents were showing the signs of old age, my work pressure was rising, and it has never been easy for me to share my life with a man. So in the initial dating phase with my partner, I was thankful to have Al along with us, to smooth it all over and mute the voice in my head telling me to remain independent of any man. We moved in together six months after we met, despite me feeling ambivalent about things. I?ve always been a person who needs her own space, and it?s easy for me to feel overwhelmed or ?crowded in? if I don?t get it.
So how did I cope with these circumstances? The way I had always coped, multiplied by ten! From the word go I was drinking every day, covering up as much as I could. It was the only way I (thought) I could get some psychological space. But ironically I was destroying any chance to have anything else in my day besides al or thoughts of al. It got to the point where thoughts of al occupied my mind every waking minute and I really thought I was going mad. Sometimes it was impossible to wait until the end of the working day, so I would drink on my lunch break, and even keep al in my bag and drink while at work. I was very lucky not to get caught as I would not have a job today if I had.
By this stage I knew damn well that I was addicted, and I looked for help on the Internet. Thank the gods I came across MWO, though it would be a couple of years after signing up that I would start to read and then to post. My life since April 29th 2013 has been getting better all the time. As well as learning new ways to cope with life?s challenges, I am getting to know myself again and feel far more in control of myself and my life. There is no time like the present!
My parents were not bad parents, but they sure missed the signs that their daughter was developing a problem. To make things worse, my dad worked at a liquor company, and would bring home a range of samples of wine, liqueurs and spirits. So many that he didn?t miss the stealthy swigs I took, nor the gulps I shared with my teenaged friends when Mum and Dad were out. (My parents have never been heavy drinkers.)
What started one Friday night became a weekly habit, buying a bottle of Brandivino and drinking it all to myself; getting plastered along with my friends. It then progressed to other random days in the week, and also for ?medicinal? purposes, as I liked how it soothed my nerves (or so I thought.)
And so my drinking life was launched in my early teens, and continued to develop throughout my twenties, thirties and forties. The hangovers, the foolish incidents (and believe me, there were unfortunately incidents so bad that they continue to reverberate to this day) and the regrets still didn?t make me want to stop. Instead I developed a quite romantic attachment to alcohol.
I first sought help for my drinking at age 26. My doctor recommended AA but I didn?t want to go, so I held off the drinking long enough (maybe a month?) to fool myself and the doctor that the drinking was under control. I became concerned enough again at about age 35 to once more tell a doctor just how much alcohol I was consuming on a regular basis. I was referred to an addiction psychologist, and after several sessions I quit drinking for several months. Still refusing to believe I had a serious problem, the drinking resumed.
In 2005 I met my partner. A lot of things seemed to happen at once. I was in the early stages of menopause, my parents were showing the signs of old age, my work pressure was rising, and it has never been easy for me to share my life with a man. So in the initial dating phase with my partner, I was thankful to have Al along with us, to smooth it all over and mute the voice in my head telling me to remain independent of any man. We moved in together six months after we met, despite me feeling ambivalent about things. I?ve always been a person who needs her own space, and it?s easy for me to feel overwhelmed or ?crowded in? if I don?t get it.
So how did I cope with these circumstances? The way I had always coped, multiplied by ten! From the word go I was drinking every day, covering up as much as I could. It was the only way I (thought) I could get some psychological space. But ironically I was destroying any chance to have anything else in my day besides al or thoughts of al. It got to the point where thoughts of al occupied my mind every waking minute and I really thought I was going mad. Sometimes it was impossible to wait until the end of the working day, so I would drink on my lunch break, and even keep al in my bag and drink while at work. I was very lucky not to get caught as I would not have a job today if I had.
By this stage I knew damn well that I was addicted, and I looked for help on the Internet. Thank the gods I came across MWO, though it would be a couple of years after signing up that I would start to read and then to post. My life since April 29th 2013 has been getting better all the time. As well as learning new ways to cope with life?s challenges, I am getting to know myself again and feel far more in control of myself and my life. There is no time like the present!
Comment