Hi. I have not looked around here much, I think this may be in the wrong place, but I am new and I really need to share this with somebody.
I feel like the most selfish, disgusting person alive. I'm deceitful and just simply, a liar.
I had a boyfriend, L, back in 2011. He broke up with me and I was absolutely devastated.
One night about a year after the break up, I got drunk with his best friend, T. Really drunk. Then smoked weed too. For some reason we went back to my place, and we slept together. I'm not attracted to this guy. Don't know why I did it other than I was drunk, and I do have a history of being too quick to sleep with people, particularly (or only) when alcohol is involved. I never would have initiated hanging out with him one on one, although I know that does not absolve me of responsibility for what happened. I felt so bad afterwards, but quickly distracted myself. A month or so after (I really cannot remember how long it was, I have tried to forget as much as possible) we went out for a drink again. (I know I shouldn't have agreed to this, but I told myself nothing would happen, and I only had a couple of drinks). After, he started to come back to mine, uninvited, and I didn't stop him. He tried to have sex, I said no. But we cuddled for a little bit and then for some reason I gave in and then we had sex. Ughh. We spoke of how L could never know.
I want to underline how there was never any emotional connection, no attraction on my part, no ongoing relationship between us. Which really makes the whole thing a lot more stupid - why him then, and not someone that L didn't know?
The point of this is, a few months ago (almost a year after T) I bumped into L, and we started dating again. At the time, I wasn't thinking about T at all, I somehow managed to push it to the back of my mind. Bear in mind that they're still friends. But as things got more serious, the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. How could I start a loving relationship with someone that I've lied to like this? It's all based on a lie. And I know that he would take it really badly. He would never speak to me again. He's a very moral guy, and he's been hurt so much in the past. Now I'm just adding to it. I know for this reason that he can never know, I don't want to burden him with knowing that two people he cares about could do this to him. But that doesn't make continuing the relationship ok, does it? If I had any shred of morality I would end things instead of selfishly manipulating him to be with me.
I feel terrible. The worst of it is that we seem so good together.. it seems like the time apart fixed a lot of the problems we had the first time around. But, knowing that it's all fake is killing me. The only thing I can say to my credit is that it wasn't cheating (I know that's really reaching though) and now I can safely say that I never, ever, will.
Thing is, I don't even know if I can blame alcohol for this. I know that it makes me far more likely to sleep around, but whether or not that's part of my personality magnified or if it is the alcohol... I don't know. It's not like I was blackout drunk those times. And the decision to date L again was a sober one, after all. One that didn't consider his feelings or respect him at all.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this, I know it's very long. I am just relieved to find a place where it seems like someone might try and understand without jumping to insults. :h
I feel like the most selfish, disgusting person alive. I'm deceitful and just simply, a liar.
I had a boyfriend, L, back in 2011. He broke up with me and I was absolutely devastated.
One night about a year after the break up, I got drunk with his best friend, T. Really drunk. Then smoked weed too. For some reason we went back to my place, and we slept together. I'm not attracted to this guy. Don't know why I did it other than I was drunk, and I do have a history of being too quick to sleep with people, particularly (or only) when alcohol is involved. I never would have initiated hanging out with him one on one, although I know that does not absolve me of responsibility for what happened. I felt so bad afterwards, but quickly distracted myself. A month or so after (I really cannot remember how long it was, I have tried to forget as much as possible) we went out for a drink again. (I know I shouldn't have agreed to this, but I told myself nothing would happen, and I only had a couple of drinks). After, he started to come back to mine, uninvited, and I didn't stop him. He tried to have sex, I said no. But we cuddled for a little bit and then for some reason I gave in and then we had sex. Ughh. We spoke of how L could never know.
I want to underline how there was never any emotional connection, no attraction on my part, no ongoing relationship between us. Which really makes the whole thing a lot more stupid - why him then, and not someone that L didn't know?
The point of this is, a few months ago (almost a year after T) I bumped into L, and we started dating again. At the time, I wasn't thinking about T at all, I somehow managed to push it to the back of my mind. Bear in mind that they're still friends. But as things got more serious, the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. How could I start a loving relationship with someone that I've lied to like this? It's all based on a lie. And I know that he would take it really badly. He would never speak to me again. He's a very moral guy, and he's been hurt so much in the past. Now I'm just adding to it. I know for this reason that he can never know, I don't want to burden him with knowing that two people he cares about could do this to him. But that doesn't make continuing the relationship ok, does it? If I had any shred of morality I would end things instead of selfishly manipulating him to be with me.
I feel terrible. The worst of it is that we seem so good together.. it seems like the time apart fixed a lot of the problems we had the first time around. But, knowing that it's all fake is killing me. The only thing I can say to my credit is that it wasn't cheating (I know that's really reaching though) and now I can safely say that I never, ever, will.
Thing is, I don't even know if I can blame alcohol for this. I know that it makes me far more likely to sleep around, but whether or not that's part of my personality magnified or if it is the alcohol... I don't know. It's not like I was blackout drunk those times. And the decision to date L again was a sober one, after all. One that didn't consider his feelings or respect him at all.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this, I know it's very long. I am just relieved to find a place where it seems like someone might try and understand without jumping to insults. :h
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