Good morning. My name is Kensho (not really). Kensho is is a Japanese Zen term. Ken means "seeing," shō means "nature, essence". Kenshō is an initial insight or awakening. It is to be followed by further training to deepen this insight, and learn to express it in daily life.
I am a mother of two young children and a business owner, officing from home. I grew up in a family that appreciated moderate drinking, and didn't frown on a little more than moderate. No abuse, no alcoholism. The "acceptance for" and "celebration of" alcohol gave me the green light to imbibe without fear or thought. From the age of 20 (now 38) I drank moderately. I drank because it helped with social and other anxiety, as well as depression.
8 years ago, when my son was born, life became too much. As a very independent person, I found myself with a very dependent little life. At the same time, I left the design firm I was at and started my own business. I found myself constantly overwhelmed with the responsibilities of a house, business and child... drinking more helped. In 2007, I wrote this during one of my ritual evening drinks:
I want to get fucked up
Float, sail through space;
Notes of liquid music
Sound the rhythm of escape
I want to feel the fuzz
The known numb, a tease
Pressure finds an outlet
And rhythm is release
Discord sounds appealing
With the filter of a sip
Red, thick wine
Fill my mouth and stain my lips
- Kensho 2007
7 years later, I am struggling with my habit. I consume 2-4 drinks per night, which is a recent increase. I still have considerable stress with my successful business, and have noticed no dramatic repercussions from my drinking. But they are there: I distance myself from my husband and children, I am not fit and healthy like I used to be, I am more irritable at night, and I haven't felt 100% upon waking in many years. Most of all, I am terrified of the health consequences I am setting myself up for. My liver hurts, and my hormones seem to be really out of whack (could also be due to the 2-am-ers I frequently pull).
I wrote this in 2011:
I drink and I think and appreciate
My friends of the pete and the starch
Such reliable and comforting allies
As I make my feet do this march.
I?m tired. I?m tired and I?m worn
I?m no match for the schedule I must
2am battles of will and of wake
My house is disorder and dust.
My heart aches for the smiles of my children
And to know what they love, why they laugh
And it hurts that I work when they need me
Through the tears and trials on their path.
I make pretty and foolish amendments
To the spaces of those I?ve just met
Yet its my home that needs more the loving
And my heart that is feeling regret.
(and I wrote this the same year...)
They feel second to tile and phone calls
They are privy to my yelling voice
They are directed in profitable tempo
As I make others my daily choice.
Dollars and stuff and pretty fake fluff
My words try to teach them well
But my actions say ?not now!? and ?hold on a moment?
As I drink and I draft and I sell.
I wake up in the morning, ashamed of myself. I pull through the first hour and carry on with my day - typically successful with my client meetings and work - often plenty of smiles and laughter. I never want a drink in the mornings, yet every day at 2-4 pm I start to think about, and think about, and think about what I can drink. I'm so tired of this fight. Most days I give in and just buy the damn wine. Some days I hold out until after dinner and sneak whatever liquor from our basement cabinet that won't be noticed. Then I become tired, irritable, and I don't read books to my children as well as I could. If I go back to working at 9:00, I drink because I hate the fact that I'm working. If I don't work, I drink more because I feel guilty that I'm not working, or as a "reward" that I can relax. Then I fall asleep often not attending to the huge laundry pile or dishes, and certainly not my husband for a cuddle or alone time (I have no libido).
Occasionally over the past few years, I've had a good fight inside me:
A DANGEROUS FLIRT
You call for me
Early in the day with a
Provocative promise
of guilty satisfaction.
But I am better than you
I am a fighter.
The center of my core
Greets you at my door
and pushes back against
your smooth intoxication.
I will beat you.
- Kensho 2012
Yet, here I am in 2014. Drinking every night, and sometimes as early as 2:00 in the afternoon.
I want to have a clear mind and feel a clean body. I want more than anything to be a "present" mother and wife and friend. I want to teach my children that alcohol is not a way to cope. I want to know that I am not willingly contributing to future health risks - I'm sure I've done some damage already. I want to be with myself and feel comfortable in my skin without the numb of a drink.
And I don't know how.
I am a mother of two young children and a business owner, officing from home. I grew up in a family that appreciated moderate drinking, and didn't frown on a little more than moderate. No abuse, no alcoholism. The "acceptance for" and "celebration of" alcohol gave me the green light to imbibe without fear or thought. From the age of 20 (now 38) I drank moderately. I drank because it helped with social and other anxiety, as well as depression.
8 years ago, when my son was born, life became too much. As a very independent person, I found myself with a very dependent little life. At the same time, I left the design firm I was at and started my own business. I found myself constantly overwhelmed with the responsibilities of a house, business and child... drinking more helped. In 2007, I wrote this during one of my ritual evening drinks:
I want to get fucked up
Float, sail through space;
Notes of liquid music
Sound the rhythm of escape
I want to feel the fuzz
The known numb, a tease
Pressure finds an outlet
And rhythm is release
Discord sounds appealing
With the filter of a sip
Red, thick wine
Fill my mouth and stain my lips
- Kensho 2007
7 years later, I am struggling with my habit. I consume 2-4 drinks per night, which is a recent increase. I still have considerable stress with my successful business, and have noticed no dramatic repercussions from my drinking. But they are there: I distance myself from my husband and children, I am not fit and healthy like I used to be, I am more irritable at night, and I haven't felt 100% upon waking in many years. Most of all, I am terrified of the health consequences I am setting myself up for. My liver hurts, and my hormones seem to be really out of whack (could also be due to the 2-am-ers I frequently pull).
I wrote this in 2011:
I drink and I think and appreciate
My friends of the pete and the starch
Such reliable and comforting allies
As I make my feet do this march.
I?m tired. I?m tired and I?m worn
I?m no match for the schedule I must
2am battles of will and of wake
My house is disorder and dust.
My heart aches for the smiles of my children
And to know what they love, why they laugh
And it hurts that I work when they need me
Through the tears and trials on their path.
I make pretty and foolish amendments
To the spaces of those I?ve just met
Yet its my home that needs more the loving
And my heart that is feeling regret.
(and I wrote this the same year...)
They feel second to tile and phone calls
They are privy to my yelling voice
They are directed in profitable tempo
As I make others my daily choice.
Dollars and stuff and pretty fake fluff
My words try to teach them well
But my actions say ?not now!? and ?hold on a moment?
As I drink and I draft and I sell.
I wake up in the morning, ashamed of myself. I pull through the first hour and carry on with my day - typically successful with my client meetings and work - often plenty of smiles and laughter. I never want a drink in the mornings, yet every day at 2-4 pm I start to think about, and think about, and think about what I can drink. I'm so tired of this fight. Most days I give in and just buy the damn wine. Some days I hold out until after dinner and sneak whatever liquor from our basement cabinet that won't be noticed. Then I become tired, irritable, and I don't read books to my children as well as I could. If I go back to working at 9:00, I drink because I hate the fact that I'm working. If I don't work, I drink more because I feel guilty that I'm not working, or as a "reward" that I can relax. Then I fall asleep often not attending to the huge laundry pile or dishes, and certainly not my husband for a cuddle or alone time (I have no libido).
Occasionally over the past few years, I've had a good fight inside me:
A DANGEROUS FLIRT
You call for me
Early in the day with a
Provocative promise
of guilty satisfaction.
But I am better than you
I am a fighter.
The center of my core
Greets you at my door
and pushes back against
your smooth intoxication.
I will beat you.
- Kensho 2012
Yet, here I am in 2014. Drinking every night, and sometimes as early as 2:00 in the afternoon.
I want to have a clear mind and feel a clean body. I want more than anything to be a "present" mother and wife and friend. I want to teach my children that alcohol is not a way to cope. I want to know that I am not willingly contributing to future health risks - I'm sure I've done some damage already. I want to be with myself and feel comfortable in my skin without the numb of a drink.
And I don't know how.
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