This is probably the only way I can do this!

[maji]

26th January 2014.

I had resolved to make this year the one of turnaround, to become clean, to restore my health, mental and emotional wellbeing, and transform my life into something very new and different from what was.

Needless to say I have not stuck to my resolve. I say needless to say and that perhaps is in part the issue I have low expectations of myself, in fact I rather despise myself which of course is not helpful since I am constantly in judgement of myself and comparing and contrasting myself to ensure that I remain down.

The reason I titled this as 'probably the only way I can do this' is because I find writing to be a great outlet for myself, in fact many have said that I should consider writing as a profession, yet of course I dismiss that as I dismiss most if not all possibilities. Back to the reason, words only seem to flow when I have something to write to, or a space to write into. I don't seem inspired by for example a hand written journal.

I have read quite a bit of people's experiences here and they are many and varied most though seem rooted in a paucity of self-esteem and self-worth, I know that is certainly true for me. I have never felt safe and secure on this earth, trust is an enormous issue for me having been unable to trust as a child I never knew what would happen in response to my actions or those of others around me.

That aside, all of the experiences have brought me to this point, and perhaps in some way they are of value in that one day that wisdom gained through experience might be helpful to someone else. We shall see.

Someone once said to me that holding onto challenging experiences has no value, would someone else pay to buy that which I was holding on to? Of course not. Yet I feel so defined by these experiences and patterns that it is difficult to shed them even though I want to.

Back to trust, the real lack of trust is in myself, that I do not trust myself.

I just hope that I can make this my day 1 to be followed by an unbroken series of days.

:h

[maji]

This is probably the only way I can do this!

Day 1 under the belt!

27th January 2014

Today is day 2, in my most recent efforts day 2 seems to work out and it is day 3 that things slide back again.

I am fortunate that I do not experience any symptoms of withdrawal other than wondering what to do with myself. And I start to feel better quite quickly, which then traps me into thinking that it won't matter if I drink some wine on day 3. So ridiculous!

What then happens of course the feelings of guilt, shame, mental confusion and regret amplify to such an extent, especially having had two successful days, that more numbing is required. And so it goes.

It helps to recognise that pattern and I will just have to find things to occupy myself that have some meaning and purpose.

:h

[available]

This is probably the only way I can do this!

Hi Maji and welcome to MWO.

We all know how much better we feel without al and believe me it is so much better without it. I, like you and a lot of others here had no self worth, despised myself, was never good enough for what i dont know, was ashamed at what i had become and it was so much easier to lose it in the bottle.

You and only you can stop drinking, god knows i gave it a lot of shots at giving up, stopping like you for three days, thinking i could moderate, i wasnt that bad surely and down i would go again and again, to be put back in the pit of despair. I could have given up on me but I have 5 reasons to live and they are myself and my 4 children and when i honestly thought about it that was more than enough of a reason.

Keep posting on here it makes you accountable for not drinking, be completely honest with yourself and on here also. If we cant be honest with ourselves who really can we be honest with, we are ultimately only hurting ourselves.

Dont be too hard on yourself, one day at a time is all we alcoholics (problem drinkers whatever you want to name it) can do. There are some very wise people on here who at first i thought talked crap but when i really really listened its not rocket science, we just dont pick up that first glass. How hard can that be? Really really hard but it is so worth it.

Be gentle with yourself, eat and keep your fluids up and stay determined. Watch some doco's on alcoholism, that gets you thinking, read, do anything at all but drink. Keep posting on here like a lunatic, tell us how you feel, there wil always be someone here to listen and respond.

Best of luck and i am sure others will be here to offer more advice and wisdom. Its great that i have found kindred souls on here that truly understand the battle.

[kuya]

This is probably the only way I can do this!

Maji welcome to MWO

That first week is hard and many many people have a long history of three day stops.....including me!

Truth is you start seriously withdrawing on day three even though you may feel physically better your brain starts to 'need' alcohol .....so you rationalise drinking cos that is what the brain does to obtain the drug to which it has become addicted.

Getting through that first week is tough, not just physically but emotionally. In fact the emotional side is often the hardest.

Write read and post...loads.

Drop into the nest and share with others but reach out if you need help......we have all been there and beyond.

[maji]

This is probably the only way I can do this!

Hi Available,

Thank you for responding and your thoughtful and supportive words.

Yes, it really is one day at a time, such a cliche but wise indeed, and whenever wasn't it one day at a time regardless of anything else.

I bought some snacks yesterday, overall healthy ones as I thought that if I felt an urge to consume wine then I could snack instead as I know from experience that eating seems to some degree to dissolve the desire for the wine, and stops me from having the first glass.

Thank you for the welcome.

[maji]

This is probably the only way I can do this!

Hi Kuya,

Thank you for the welcome.

What you say about day 3 is very helpful, I will bear that in mind as I get into day three which is now!

Sticking to this through the first week doesn't sound too bad, and my experience is that it is more the mental and emotional that is the challenge so it is helpful to have that confirmed.

[maji]

This is probably the only way I can do this!

Another one!

And so it is day 3!

This is the one where I usually go back to the wine but not this time!

As mentioned above I have stocked up on snacks so if I feel the urge to go out and buy wine I will snack instead.

I am aware there is a kind of void or emptiness that I was filling with wine, besides using it to cope with stressful situations and fear.

So the snacks will help I feel with the empty feeling, I also notice that I have a tendency to overdo the snacks too which is interesting.

I am also finding it helpful to simply be the neutral observer of myself in this process, as if I am the witnessing friend and advocate of the physical me.

:h

[available]

This is probably the only way I can do this!

Good on you for Day 3 Maj, once we break the habit it gets easier. My witching hour was about 5.15, i would finish work and say i deserved a drink, go to one of many bottleshops (god forbid anyone would think i was an alky), go home, feed the dogs and have that first glass until pass out time. Then i would wake up swearing i was not going to drink that day but i kept hitting the repeat button again and again and again.

I craved sweet things and have only just actually stopped that craving about a week ago. I did not worry as food was never high on my agenda while drinking.

In time you will come to like the real person in your body and i quite enjoy the me what i found as she had been away for an awfully long time. I also slept when i was tired and i was bone tired for awhile and headachy but everyone experiences different withdrawals.

I look forward to you posting Day 4

[kuya]

This is probably the only way I can do this!

available;1619476 wrote: Good on you for Day 3 Maj, once we break the habit it gets easier. My witching hour was about 5.15, i would finish work and say i deserved a drink, go to one of many bottleshops (god forbid anyone would think i was an alky), go home, feed the dogs and have that first glass until pass out time. Then i would wake up swearing i was not going to drink that day but i kept hitting the repeat button again and again and again.

I craved sweet things and have only just actually stopped that craving about a week ago. I did not worry as food was never high on my agenda while drinking.

In time you will come to like the real person in your body and i quite enjoy the me what i found as she had been away for an awfully long time. I also slept when i was tired and i was bone tired for awhile and headachy but everyone experiences different withdrawals.

I look forward to you posting Day 4

Uuurrrrggghhh....that daily repeat button was a nightmare, wasn't it ?

We sound so similar, the nightly compulsion, the morning promises only to hit the witching hour (6pm for me) and be DRAGGED by this addiction to a bottle shop! The daily shame and hopelessness is still sharp in my mind even after all these months.

I didn't get hangovers but memories of THAT DRIVE to fetch alcohol I DIDNT WANT is what keeps me sober......and hopefully always will.

[K9Lover]

This is probably the only way I can do this!

kuya;1619761 wrote: Uuurrrrggghhh....that daily repeat button was a nightmare, wasn't it ?

We sound so similar, the nightly compulsion, the morning promises only to hit the witching hour (6pm for me) and be DRAGGED by this addiction to a bottle shop! The daily shame and hopelessness is still sharp in my mind even after all these months.

Same here...it was like living in that movie Groundhog Day where you live the same day over and over and over...

Maji - Hang in there. You are definitely not alone in this. I made it to day 3-4 about 100 times before I was able to make it PAST day 4 and keep on going.

Sometimes things seem TOO simple...like not picking up the first drink. But don't overthink it...we just DON'T drink....simple as that!

I'm enjoying your journal :l

[Pavati]

This is probably the only way I can do this!

Hi, Maji:

Congratulations on Day 4! I was the same. OK, I feel like crap this morning, I just won't drink tonight. Home from work, dinner and homework, dishes. Phew - I DESERVE a drink. Or several. Rinse, repeat. I didn't have to even leave the house as we ALWAYS have some here.

I am pretty sure that not many people look for posts down here, so if you are looking for some more immediate support or response come on up to the Newbies Nest - there's always someone there.

[maji]

This is probably the only way I can do this!

Yep!

Hi available, kuya, K9lover, and pavati,

Yes that repetitive cycle is absolutely the worst even though we do not want to do it, as if something else is in the driving seat which it is, the addictive mind I suppose it could be called although I am certain there are many other terms.

I have seen the newbies nest and will get over there at some point, for now I am finding it helpful to make myself accountable to myself for writing something here each morning and that helps to know in the evening that I will be able to do that, and therefore stay away from the vino!

:thanks:

[maji]

This is probably the only way I can do this!

Day 3 done!

Well that was good, I managed to pass through day 3 with only small promptings to do otherwise that I was able to ignore.

I have a busy day ahead of me, not particularly engaged in things I would like to do but certainly to keep me busy. The usual pattern after doing things that I 'have' to do is to reward myself with a drink, mind you the usual pattern after doing things that I 'like' to do is to reward myself with a drink.

That isn't going to happen though.

I tell myself to get through this first week, so far it is not as hard as I thought it would be so I know that I can do this. And I will.

So here is day 4.

:h