My Journal for today??
I am accepting that what gets measured gets done. What can I say...lol?.Ive had many years of budgeting experience...so I know this must be true. Frontal cortex?....Yes! Rational wives tale?...Yes! I was so overwhelmed with finance for 30 years that once I tasted gluttony...all I wanted to do at all costs was fight/flight away from setting any goals at all?.and live in my sloth.
One important aspect to live a meaningful life is to have goals which are meaningful, worthwhile and in harmony with our natural environment. Some play music, practise art, yoga, have an exercize regime, build something...the list goes on. Once I reached many goals set as a teenager?...I thought I was entitled to a life of gluttony??.and I never had to fear the daunting task of reaching any goals anymore. Just lie on the beach, play golf, have happy hour, search out convenient and lazy relationships, eat a fattening meal for dinner...go to bed...in passout mode.
Well?..after ten years of 100% daily gluttony??.Im convinced of the facts now.
Mind/body/spirit balance
One year ago today-----I was completely clueless and ignorant of what health meant?..my many relapses have taught me much. I was so naive...that I did not even know what grieving meant. Well?.I was put through a crash course in grieving.
I was confronted early in 2013??...
To confront an individual who works out regularly, is at perfect weight and proportion...and generally sunny in disposition is an absolute insult and a slap in the face?.such face?......is the insult in the face of denial.
DENIAL?.
I have a food problem?........?No I dont?I?m thin, I exercize, I can shake off a hangover by 3pm, and I?m regular like a Swiss train?! Plus?....I love my food and drink---I deserve it...I worked for it and it has become important to me?.How dare you get in my face! NO!...I wont quit coffee! FO!
I have a smoking problem?....Perhaps but It does not seem to interfere...and I am very used to this habit since its been with me since 1970...How dare you! It gives me a nice lift...every 30 minutes or so?...and every 15-20 minutes or so when I am in full --on Glutton mode.
I have an alcohol problem?....? I dont think so...I look at all my 65-70 year old neighbors and they drink every day?...and you are insulting something I have built up and loved over many years...ESPECIALLY wine!.......You are suggesting wine is a problem for me?....now you are attacking my love for french/Italian food and my love for their wines as well.? Travelling to Italy and France yearly to be a glutton is soooooo important to me.? I will not listen to your inference...since it is an attack on me.
Im Co-dependant?....I?ve never even heard of that term. Whats wrong with impressing people? Ive always been that way! How dare you. Im gonna ignore this one.
I have a girl problem?....Dont even start me?..Ive had ooodles of neat dates over the years?..yes?.they never last but at least I?m popular?.and they love how I treat them. And to suggest that co-dependance is a driving force here makes no sense at all. Now that you have insulted me?........Im gonna get some more info on this co-dependant crap.
Rehab?.....Forget it...Im above rehab! Dont you dare tell me Im scared to go!
PTSD?......Thats for Vietnam vets?..I just run away and ignore trauma..it works for me.
This apparent de-masking of me does not fit my gestalt!.....Im going back to my home up North...gonna isolate myself real-good and get to the bottom of these accusations.
Gawwwwwdddddd?..Now what??..
ANGER?..
Hmmmm?.I?m in a tough spot?..I?ve been outted?.and I am sooooooooooooo insulted!
I know!!!....LIGHTBULB!.....Im gonna go and find someone to blame! There is a reason why I got here...I wanna know why.
Wow...this is real work!...and my list of culprits grows immensely. YOU BASTARDS!
Me at fault?.....I gotta blame someone...lets research my past?...ummmm yuk!
OK...OK?..I?ll phone AA?...and quit today. Im sleeping 16 hours per day?.and woolfing down cookies like no tomorrow??..My head feels so totally bewildered and in the wilderness. My first AA meeting is like a death sentence?.they said its a long road to recovery?..and its not pretty??..HEY!....I?m not holding your hand ...this is BULLSHIT!....I want fix now! or else?..NO DEAL!
I need tools?....What are tools? Coping?...whats that?
Party on-----this AA thing will never work---everyone is sad?...relapses galore?..all the complaining?...Jack Daniels will be my friend for the next few weeks.
Meanwhile...I still feel like crap...I need a quick fix?.I need to flight somewhere else ???
OK..OK?.I?ll give rehab a try?..They get 28 days...and I better be fit as a king! OR ELSE!
Hmmm...neat place here. I feel safe..ok--I?ll settle in. What?....I have to read? and do homework?....no sugar...at all?????...huh??? No coffee?...huh? ok--I?ll try it.
Sulk...sulk...sulk???.work, work, work. This no sugar idea is bullshit...I dont believe it. I dont want to anyhow. And would you pleaseeeeeeeee?...stop telling me that my addictive voice is talking. Gheeze...you make me angry. I need aftercare?......and a relapse plan? I thought 28 days was it..back to brand new?...OMG!!!!! Death sentence...Me?...Volunteer? Very angry.
Day 15?.my 4 hour glucose tolerance test?...they promised me breakfast after...CANT WAIT?.the breakfast here is really good. Great four hour test over...gotta have a smoke BIG TIME! Love it?..my breakfast does not arrive...they deliver a horrible lunch instead...Im so pissed off!...they promised breakfast?..Im angry...very angry?.Im stewing now??
I know...I?ll fix this..Im going home?.book flight right now?.PHEWWWWWW...feels so good...outta that joint and on way to airport in 3 hours since decision. Perfect getaway. Whatta waste?..BUT I escaped rehab...I?ll take the supps though..I?ll finish the program on my own and just phone them. Airport wait and the smell of fresh cookies...I?ll take 5...total relief! Im happy again. Im home.
Bargaining?.
Wake up fresh and sober ...What?...just happened...what will I do today?
Im gonna spend my next three months?.....in splendor...and I will hole myself up...so no one can touch me...great idea! Eat?...drink?..be merry...and sleep like a rock...passed out of course!
Its not so bad?...perhaps I will just die when Im 75?..the 80 year olds I see seem bored anyhow...seems like a logical bargain. Look at all the wine I can buy with rehab cash!
))
I will tip toe on diet and Immerse in reading so I can understand?.all this crap. I will also watch my alcohol intake?...and be wary of level blood sugar. Im hypoglycemic?...Impossible! I will find another way to skirt this minor inconvenience.
Well...three months now...results?...nothing! I cant seem to bargain my way out of this. Decisions are sooooooo hard to make???.Just read an article on Neuropathy...hmmmmm???......I can feel that too?..Cant be. My energy is crap?.I need a way out. Shit!....I gotta tell my friends and family?...Am I really not well? Am I sick?
Why do I nap so much?.......am I depressed?..Cant be...Not me..Never me...NEVER!
OMG???..Im feeling very down...Im gonna make some calls???..time for flight!
Back to rehab!.....Im still angry...the costs are ridiculous?.should I follow advice and consider it an investment?.......an investment?...Gawwwwd I cant stand the notion.
Day 1 of rehab?..Im totally trashed, dejected and embarrassed. Day 7...better and stable.
Day 20---HEY!...feeling better?.I look better?..Loving the food?.I get the idea..Gluten free?.zero craving...WTF?.....ZERO CRAVING?
Day 23?...Sir?...whats your aftercare plan?...Answer?....Isolation...It will be fine.
Day 28---Go home...no plan...just a bunch of papers and books to re-read.
Ten weeks sober?...one slip---for 7 days?????..Lets throw in some sweets to improve my moods. Works fine,..... All good
Take a long morning flight...miss breakfast?.miss lunch...miss supplements...blood sugar drop...flight lands??.DOUGHNUTS!!!!!!......and then?......RUM and Cokes?.for the next 8 days.
Back on track?...next relapse?.5 days...then two weeks clean?.next relapse?...4 days?...now 3 days clean.
You know what?.......I?ve had an interesting year...I?m in a pretty good mood...I have had a LEARNING YEAR??.My relapses are shorter??.and I am bouncing back stronger?.why?.............. Because?..I accept my condition and will simply change.
ACCEPTANCE
I now know Im hypoglycemic?...and I have the tools to eat and treat it. The food is truly good.
I deffo have a booze issue?.and I truly dont want it...and I dont crave it...bad habit.
I was codependent for most of my life?.Not anymore. No more?..Mr. nice guy!
I dont blame anyone for my faults---including me. I drank for all the reasons...good and bad. Its only now that I have the info to deal with it. When you accept?....there is no fight.
PTSD?....Yup--I had it...and grieved it away. All is well. I dwell on this moment only.
Coffee free for 9 months...dont miss it at all
Ive had a pretty good life thus far...I feel lucky to have this chance?.and sober friends?.
Rewards---Im calmer, more cordial, more patient with others and myself, I look better, more accepting, less stressed, glimpses of pure joy,anddddddddd??.Im saving a truckload of cash!
I know Im struggling...but I see light...and the struggle gets easier each day.
My reward for my 60th day?.....quit smoking.
Onward! My grieving is near its end?.
I am accepting that what gets measured gets done. What can I say...lol?.Ive had many years of budgeting experience...so I know this must be true. Frontal cortex?....Yes! Rational wives tale?...Yes! I was so overwhelmed with finance for 30 years that once I tasted gluttony...all I wanted to do at all costs was fight/flight away from setting any goals at all?.and live in my sloth.
One important aspect to live a meaningful life is to have goals which are meaningful, worthwhile and in harmony with our natural environment. Some play music, practise art, yoga, have an exercize regime, build something...the list goes on. Once I reached many goals set as a teenager?...I thought I was entitled to a life of gluttony??.and I never had to fear the daunting task of reaching any goals anymore. Just lie on the beach, play golf, have happy hour, search out convenient and lazy relationships, eat a fattening meal for dinner...go to bed...in passout mode.
Well?..after ten years of 100% daily gluttony??.Im convinced of the facts now.
Mind/body/spirit balance
One year ago today-----I was completely clueless and ignorant of what health meant?..my many relapses have taught me much. I was so naive...that I did not even know what grieving meant. Well?.I was put through a crash course in grieving.
I was confronted early in 2013??...
To confront an individual who works out regularly, is at perfect weight and proportion...and generally sunny in disposition is an absolute insult and a slap in the face?.such face?......is the insult in the face of denial.
DENIAL?.
I have a food problem?........?No I dont?I?m thin, I exercize, I can shake off a hangover by 3pm, and I?m regular like a Swiss train?! Plus?....I love my food and drink---I deserve it...I worked for it and it has become important to me?.How dare you get in my face! NO!...I wont quit coffee! FO!
I have a smoking problem?....Perhaps but It does not seem to interfere...and I am very used to this habit since its been with me since 1970...How dare you! It gives me a nice lift...every 30 minutes or so?...and every 15-20 minutes or so when I am in full --on Glutton mode.
I have an alcohol problem?....? I dont think so...I look at all my 65-70 year old neighbors and they drink every day?...and you are insulting something I have built up and loved over many years...ESPECIALLY wine!.......You are suggesting wine is a problem for me?....now you are attacking my love for french/Italian food and my love for their wines as well.? Travelling to Italy and France yearly to be a glutton is soooooo important to me.? I will not listen to your inference...since it is an attack on me.
Im Co-dependant?....I?ve never even heard of that term. Whats wrong with impressing people? Ive always been that way! How dare you. Im gonna ignore this one.
I have a girl problem?....Dont even start me?..Ive had ooodles of neat dates over the years?..yes?.they never last but at least I?m popular?.and they love how I treat them. And to suggest that co-dependance is a driving force here makes no sense at all. Now that you have insulted me?........Im gonna get some more info on this co-dependant crap.
Rehab?.....Forget it...Im above rehab! Dont you dare tell me Im scared to go!
PTSD?......Thats for Vietnam vets?..I just run away and ignore trauma..it works for me.
This apparent de-masking of me does not fit my gestalt!.....Im going back to my home up North...gonna isolate myself real-good and get to the bottom of these accusations.
Gawwwwwdddddd?..Now what??..
ANGER?..
Hmmmm?.I?m in a tough spot?..I?ve been outted?.and I am sooooooooooooo insulted!
I know!!!....LIGHTBULB!.....Im gonna go and find someone to blame! There is a reason why I got here...I wanna know why.
Wow...this is real work!...and my list of culprits grows immensely. YOU BASTARDS!
Me at fault?.....I gotta blame someone...lets research my past?...ummmm yuk!
OK...OK?..I?ll phone AA?...and quit today. Im sleeping 16 hours per day?.and woolfing down cookies like no tomorrow??..My head feels so totally bewildered and in the wilderness. My first AA meeting is like a death sentence?.they said its a long road to recovery?..and its not pretty??..HEY!....I?m not holding your hand ...this is BULLSHIT!....I want fix now! or else?..NO DEAL!
I need tools?....What are tools? Coping?...whats that?
Party on-----this AA thing will never work---everyone is sad?...relapses galore?..all the complaining?...Jack Daniels will be my friend for the next few weeks.
Meanwhile...I still feel like crap...I need a quick fix?.I need to flight somewhere else ???
OK..OK?.I?ll give rehab a try?..They get 28 days...and I better be fit as a king! OR ELSE!
Hmmm...neat place here. I feel safe..ok--I?ll settle in. What?....I have to read? and do homework?....no sugar...at all?????...huh??? No coffee?...huh? ok--I?ll try it.
Sulk...sulk...sulk???.work, work, work. This no sugar idea is bullshit...I dont believe it. I dont want to anyhow. And would you pleaseeeeeeeee?...stop telling me that my addictive voice is talking. Gheeze...you make me angry. I need aftercare?......and a relapse plan? I thought 28 days was it..back to brand new?...OMG!!!!! Death sentence...Me?...Volunteer? Very angry.
Day 15?.my 4 hour glucose tolerance test?...they promised me breakfast after...CANT WAIT?.the breakfast here is really good. Great four hour test over...gotta have a smoke BIG TIME! Love it?..my breakfast does not arrive...they deliver a horrible lunch instead...Im so pissed off!...they promised breakfast?..Im angry...very angry?.Im stewing now??
I know...I?ll fix this..Im going home?.book flight right now?.PHEWWWWWW...feels so good...outta that joint and on way to airport in 3 hours since decision. Perfect getaway. Whatta waste?..BUT I escaped rehab...I?ll take the supps though..I?ll finish the program on my own and just phone them. Airport wait and the smell of fresh cookies...I?ll take 5...total relief! Im happy again. Im home.
Bargaining?.
Wake up fresh and sober ...What?...just happened...what will I do today?
Im gonna spend my next three months?.....in splendor...and I will hole myself up...so no one can touch me...great idea! Eat?...drink?..be merry...and sleep like a rock...passed out of course!
Its not so bad?...perhaps I will just die when Im 75?..the 80 year olds I see seem bored anyhow...seems like a logical bargain. Look at all the wine I can buy with rehab cash!
))I will tip toe on diet and Immerse in reading so I can understand?.all this crap. I will also watch my alcohol intake?...and be wary of level blood sugar. Im hypoglycemic?...Impossible! I will find another way to skirt this minor inconvenience.
Well...three months now...results?...nothing! I cant seem to bargain my way out of this. Decisions are sooooooo hard to make???.Just read an article on Neuropathy...hmmmmm???......I can feel that too?..Cant be. My energy is crap?.I need a way out. Shit!....I gotta tell my friends and family?...Am I really not well? Am I sick?
Why do I nap so much?.......am I depressed?..Cant be...Not me..Never me...NEVER!
OMG???..Im feeling very down...Im gonna make some calls???..time for flight!
Back to rehab!.....Im still angry...the costs are ridiculous?.should I follow advice and consider it an investment?.......an investment?...Gawwwwd I cant stand the notion.
Day 1 of rehab?..Im totally trashed, dejected and embarrassed. Day 7...better and stable.
Day 20---HEY!...feeling better?.I look better?..Loving the food?.I get the idea..Gluten free?.zero craving...WTF?.....ZERO CRAVING?
Day 23?...Sir?...whats your aftercare plan?...Answer?....Isolation...It will be fine.
Day 28---Go home...no plan...just a bunch of papers and books to re-read.
Ten weeks sober?...one slip---for 7 days?????..Lets throw in some sweets to improve my moods. Works fine,..... All good
Take a long morning flight...miss breakfast?.miss lunch...miss supplements...blood sugar drop...flight lands??.DOUGHNUTS!!!!!!......and then?......RUM and Cokes?.for the next 8 days.
Back on track?...next relapse?.5 days...then two weeks clean?.next relapse?...4 days?...now 3 days clean.
You know what?.......I?ve had an interesting year...I?m in a pretty good mood...I have had a LEARNING YEAR??.My relapses are shorter??.and I am bouncing back stronger?.why?.............. Because?..I accept my condition and will simply change.
ACCEPTANCE
I now know Im hypoglycemic?...and I have the tools to eat and treat it. The food is truly good.
I deffo have a booze issue?.and I truly dont want it...and I dont crave it...bad habit.
I was codependent for most of my life?.Not anymore. No more?..Mr. nice guy!
I dont blame anyone for my faults---including me. I drank for all the reasons...good and bad. Its only now that I have the info to deal with it. When you accept?....there is no fight.
PTSD?....Yup--I had it...and grieved it away. All is well. I dwell on this moment only.
Coffee free for 9 months...dont miss it at all
Ive had a pretty good life thus far...I feel lucky to have this chance?.and sober friends?.
Rewards---Im calmer, more cordial, more patient with others and myself, I look better, more accepting, less stressed, glimpses of pure joy,anddddddddd??.Im saving a truckload of cash!
I know Im struggling...but I see light...and the struggle gets easier each day.
My reward for my 60th day?.....quit smoking.
Onward! My grieving is near its end?.
) piece of the puzzle for greatly improved health.
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