Sorry if this is long but I have going on so I wanted to talk express my feelings. Thanks for listening.
I promised myself I would start to get sober today and all day all I have felt in the back of my mind is the guilt of everything I have done in years of being an alcoholic over and over again its like a horror movie playing all day in my mind and holding me back until I take that drink which helps me feel confident and forget the guilt but it restarts the cycle. I usually do not feel bad until night but lately I have been feeling real bad all throughout the day. I have never done anything too bad, merely fighting and yelling, but I have said some horrible things to those I love deeply and care about since they tried to stop me from drinking. Even this weekend I went over to my parents after a night of drinking, knowing that they will know so it caused me to get mad over the most simple thing, screaming and yelling causing the neighbors to get concerned. Now I feel guilty about saying what I did, screaming, but just as bad causing the neighbors to wonder if I have a problem. I do not know if they even heard me but the guilt is damaging me to the point that I just have that drop of liquor to make me feel better.
I used to have a clear head but within the six months I started to become confused, paranoid but especially irritated the frustration from the horrible feeling the next day makes me have a real short fuse. I am only in my twenties, but I have noticed as time goes on as the frustration builds so does the guilt. I am real successful, but my profession also requires clear thinking, level thinking but I have learned to run from my pain behind the bottle rather than face it because if I face the guilt then I end up not getting much of anything done. When I have to as hard as I have to during the day and evening thinking I will not have that bottle to ease the pain at the end of the day then none of the hard work seems worth it.
It used to be that it was strictly night I would feel the deep urge but as the drinking gets heavier the urge has moved earlier. My main problem is I feel guilty so I do not know how to confront it and continuing working this hard without having some mental release. I feel like it helps me work harder and function better but now it is affecting my brain because of the confusion I have a hard time remembering a lot of what I read. I am worried how long after I quit the negative affects will last and also fearful it will cut my motivation. I have told myself every morning and evening that its not worth it, i hate this feeling, i hate drinking only to feel like I am in a black hole cave of horror at night not to be able to overcome it. I have noticed while I used to spend my nights reading and studying I have replaced it with drinking so now I have forgotten how to be normal again. I forgot how to have fun outside of the drinking but I do not even have fun drinking anymore.
It used to be that no one knew, but as time goes on more people are finding out. I am at a stage where I can stop damaging my reputation and I realize this is the best time, but I do not know how to deal with the guilt. I feel like even though I have done so much with my life I am an a failure due to my problem. I remember one time recently I got drunk and lost control of bodily functioning so my body was reacting in a negative way. I remember walking by someone and they were talking and one said 'yeah you might be bad to his friend, but how would you like to be an alcoholic like him'. That deeply hurt my feelings, but also making my parents cry when I just want them to be proud of me but not knowing how to move away from the guilt.
I know it is never too late but I think if I effectively stop now I can eventually control the guilt I just do not know how. I even made a list of the things I did that I feel regret for and told me my self about a thousand times that I will not think about the past whenever I have a drink at night only to be in that same situation the next morning.
thanks!
I promised myself I would start to get sober today and all day all I have felt in the back of my mind is the guilt of everything I have done in years of being an alcoholic over and over again its like a horror movie playing all day in my mind and holding me back until I take that drink which helps me feel confident and forget the guilt but it restarts the cycle. I usually do not feel bad until night but lately I have been feeling real bad all throughout the day. I have never done anything too bad, merely fighting and yelling, but I have said some horrible things to those I love deeply and care about since they tried to stop me from drinking. Even this weekend I went over to my parents after a night of drinking, knowing that they will know so it caused me to get mad over the most simple thing, screaming and yelling causing the neighbors to get concerned. Now I feel guilty about saying what I did, screaming, but just as bad causing the neighbors to wonder if I have a problem. I do not know if they even heard me but the guilt is damaging me to the point that I just have that drop of liquor to make me feel better.
I used to have a clear head but within the six months I started to become confused, paranoid but especially irritated the frustration from the horrible feeling the next day makes me have a real short fuse. I am only in my twenties, but I have noticed as time goes on as the frustration builds so does the guilt. I am real successful, but my profession also requires clear thinking, level thinking but I have learned to run from my pain behind the bottle rather than face it because if I face the guilt then I end up not getting much of anything done. When I have to as hard as I have to during the day and evening thinking I will not have that bottle to ease the pain at the end of the day then none of the hard work seems worth it.
It used to be that it was strictly night I would feel the deep urge but as the drinking gets heavier the urge has moved earlier. My main problem is I feel guilty so I do not know how to confront it and continuing working this hard without having some mental release. I feel like it helps me work harder and function better but now it is affecting my brain because of the confusion I have a hard time remembering a lot of what I read. I am worried how long after I quit the negative affects will last and also fearful it will cut my motivation. I have told myself every morning and evening that its not worth it, i hate this feeling, i hate drinking only to feel like I am in a black hole cave of horror at night not to be able to overcome it. I have noticed while I used to spend my nights reading and studying I have replaced it with drinking so now I have forgotten how to be normal again. I forgot how to have fun outside of the drinking but I do not even have fun drinking anymore.
It used to be that no one knew, but as time goes on more people are finding out. I am at a stage where I can stop damaging my reputation and I realize this is the best time, but I do not know how to deal with the guilt. I feel like even though I have done so much with my life I am an a failure due to my problem. I remember one time recently I got drunk and lost control of bodily functioning so my body was reacting in a negative way. I remember walking by someone and they were talking and one said 'yeah you might be bad to his friend, but how would you like to be an alcoholic like him'. That deeply hurt my feelings, but also making my parents cry when I just want them to be proud of me but not knowing how to move away from the guilt.
I know it is never too late but I think if I effectively stop now I can eventually control the guilt I just do not know how. I even made a list of the things I did that I feel regret for and told me my self about a thousand times that I will not think about the past whenever I have a drink at night only to be in that same situation the next morning.
thanks!
Suz 
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