Hello everyone! (Before saying anything, honestly I've been helped many turbulent nights reading people's posts on MWO even though I didn't contribute. I actually did start account long ago but since forgot the username, so I decided to start one again.)
Like The Beatle's song, only sleeping has been my reality. I look back at the past few years and much of is it was just a haze. I could've accomplished so much more if I wasn't so preoccupied with alcohol. And the moments when I was accomplishing something, traveling, or writing, I can hardly remember also because of the drinks.
Today is day 5 for me not drinking, I have only gone 5 days consecutively twice in the past six years, one of those times being during a revolution and alcohol wasn't even available! So when I make it to day 6 this will be the longest time I've gone consistently without drinking in many years.
I'm now 29, soon enough will be hitting the third decade. This isn't my rock bottom. I guess that would've been two years ago when I was emotionally unstable, suffering from an eating disorder, hiding my alcohol, and absolutely ready to die for it. I still drink nearly every day and too much, but I guess it wasn't until I healed a little for me to realize how much time I wasted.
Even though I'm more stable now, and no longer hiding my drinks from my husband I'm actually not thriving in my life. Maybe only functioning. When I was at rock bottom I knew I could die and that put pressure on me, but since it's out in the open and I'm no longer causing arguments or scenes, I've become comfortable here but stagnating.
I will try to be brief because like everyone's story, it's a long one. I was a singer and voice over artist, no longer living in the U.S. and living in my husband's country. He's a classical musician. I was a wine drinker for many years but would have two glasses and that was it. But gradually it became more and more, it became my crutch after moving out of the U.S. When I felt lonely or out of place, I would grab a drink. If I was meeting new people, had anxiety, I grabbed a drink. If there were problems in my marriage, I would drink. If I was nervous about performing I had to drink or I'd panic, but when I finished I had to celebrate of course... You get the idea. At the time I was well aware that I'd appear out of place ordering all these drinks since my husband was always okay with one or two. So that's when I began hiding it.
I thought I was fooling people apparently. I'd down a bottle of wine before I'd go out, hide it in my closet, brush my teeth and leave. So in front of anyone else I'd just have a few drinks. This worked for a while but people close to me started catching on of course. I became more interested in drinking than conversations, even more than appreciating the people and things that I loved. That summer my husband had a gig in Spain, instead of taking it all in, appreciating the place and people I was with, I just kept drinking. There are many such moments I can barely remember. I passed out and an ambulance had to come in the middle of the show, that wouldn't be the last time something similar happened either. Then I ruined a concert of my own. Not because of the singing, but because of my bizarre emotional outbursts while I was drinking. That was my undoing and I slowly began retreating from people.
Not right away but after many poor decisions and black outs that year I did truly want to get it together. I started seeing a psychiatrist to help me with other issues and my husband became more open with me so I could drink in front of him without hiding it. Even though I was still drinking a bottle and a half a day, just drinking at a slower pace changed my attitude and outlook.
I also began taking Baclofen which really helped, no doubt about it. On days where I am consistent I can drink just 1/2 a bottle, and maybe not even drink the next day. But I didn't end up staying consistent. On my journey to recovery the past year I've stayed at home a lot. My husband makes most of the money, but I felt isolated. I became friends with a woman with a very different background but still very similar to me. The only problem, she drinks even more than I do! So she will come over, we will chat, order 3 or 4 bottles, and then at the end of the night she says let's order a few beers. (I live very near a liquor store which delivers until 2am, not the most easy thing to resist) These days when I'm alone or if I'd taken the bac, I would never do that but I give myself permission because "a friend is over." Doing this made me gain some weight and also hurt my self esteem.
I guess this is what I mean when I feel I have wasted many years of my life. With every positive decision comes a negative, I'm stagnating. Well this is day 5 and when I make it to day 6, I'll know at least I did one thing different from the past few years!
Sorry future friends, I know that was a very long post! :h
Like The Beatle's song, only sleeping has been my reality. I look back at the past few years and much of is it was just a haze. I could've accomplished so much more if I wasn't so preoccupied with alcohol. And the moments when I was accomplishing something, traveling, or writing, I can hardly remember also because of the drinks.
Today is day 5 for me not drinking, I have only gone 5 days consecutively twice in the past six years, one of those times being during a revolution and alcohol wasn't even available! So when I make it to day 6 this will be the longest time I've gone consistently without drinking in many years.
I'm now 29, soon enough will be hitting the third decade. This isn't my rock bottom. I guess that would've been two years ago when I was emotionally unstable, suffering from an eating disorder, hiding my alcohol, and absolutely ready to die for it. I still drink nearly every day and too much, but I guess it wasn't until I healed a little for me to realize how much time I wasted.
Even though I'm more stable now, and no longer hiding my drinks from my husband I'm actually not thriving in my life. Maybe only functioning. When I was at rock bottom I knew I could die and that put pressure on me, but since it's out in the open and I'm no longer causing arguments or scenes, I've become comfortable here but stagnating.
I will try to be brief because like everyone's story, it's a long one. I was a singer and voice over artist, no longer living in the U.S. and living in my husband's country. He's a classical musician. I was a wine drinker for many years but would have two glasses and that was it. But gradually it became more and more, it became my crutch after moving out of the U.S. When I felt lonely or out of place, I would grab a drink. If I was meeting new people, had anxiety, I grabbed a drink. If there were problems in my marriage, I would drink. If I was nervous about performing I had to drink or I'd panic, but when I finished I had to celebrate of course... You get the idea. At the time I was well aware that I'd appear out of place ordering all these drinks since my husband was always okay with one or two. So that's when I began hiding it.
I thought I was fooling people apparently. I'd down a bottle of wine before I'd go out, hide it in my closet, brush my teeth and leave. So in front of anyone else I'd just have a few drinks. This worked for a while but people close to me started catching on of course. I became more interested in drinking than conversations, even more than appreciating the people and things that I loved. That summer my husband had a gig in Spain, instead of taking it all in, appreciating the place and people I was with, I just kept drinking. There are many such moments I can barely remember. I passed out and an ambulance had to come in the middle of the show, that wouldn't be the last time something similar happened either. Then I ruined a concert of my own. Not because of the singing, but because of my bizarre emotional outbursts while I was drinking. That was my undoing and I slowly began retreating from people.
Not right away but after many poor decisions and black outs that year I did truly want to get it together. I started seeing a psychiatrist to help me with other issues and my husband became more open with me so I could drink in front of him without hiding it. Even though I was still drinking a bottle and a half a day, just drinking at a slower pace changed my attitude and outlook.
I also began taking Baclofen which really helped, no doubt about it. On days where I am consistent I can drink just 1/2 a bottle, and maybe not even drink the next day. But I didn't end up staying consistent. On my journey to recovery the past year I've stayed at home a lot. My husband makes most of the money, but I felt isolated. I became friends with a woman with a very different background but still very similar to me. The only problem, she drinks even more than I do! So she will come over, we will chat, order 3 or 4 bottles, and then at the end of the night she says let's order a few beers. (I live very near a liquor store which delivers until 2am, not the most easy thing to resist) These days when I'm alone or if I'd taken the bac, I would never do that but I give myself permission because "a friend is over." Doing this made me gain some weight and also hurt my self esteem.
I guess this is what I mean when I feel I have wasted many years of my life. With every positive decision comes a negative, I'm stagnating. Well this is day 5 and when I make it to day 6, I'll know at least I did one thing different from the past few years!
Sorry future friends, I know that was a very long post! :h
Comment