I sit here with the tele in the background whispering sweet oblivion. Jameson Black, a cheap cigar and one more time, not for the last time, I revisit the story that runs constantly in my head.
In 2005 I had come to the end of an oath I has made to myself. My BA in psych under my belt though my first gambit for acceptance into grad school had been turned down. However it was done and I could think of getting into another relationship again since I let the girl who should've been my wife go because I wasn't ready. It was less than a month until my self published book was set to come out.
There was a woman who took up that torch. I was to find out in short order about her daughter who was entering her last year of high school. It may be a little old school but you don't ask a woman her age or her weight. Turned out the difference was nearly 20 years. That is not the part that brought me to this place though.
I did what I could as someone who was still not even ready for marriage to be something of a father. Of course it doesn't really matter when the girl has been raised by her mother and grandmother and didn't really care for an outsider like me to try to make our lives a home. So I forgot about it, when they were ready I thought to myself. All the while, month by month, stopping by after work to have a drink or two or three or ....
For 2 years I somehow was fine with this. Two drinks and I'd go home to meditate and practice yoga as I had for the 15 years previous. As the second year progressed I was trashed most nights, asleep in my chair at work. I wasn't there for my girl or her daughter and the grandmother . . . well, I wasn't making the best impression. The fact that she could afford most things they needed or wanted, well, where did I fit in?
Eventually after a year and a half like this I chose to go back to school, to try and focus on being there for them whether they chose to need or want me to help them with their life rather than just live their life with them. I found the research on Kudzu and started to take it along with St. John's Wort. I tried again to connect with the family, to be there for them.
After the career change and I had dealt with the debt I had built up in that house I asked my girl to move out with meas her mother owned the house and I was never going to be allowed to move int there. We had talked about it and with my finances and my personal care doing better . . . . She told me no and quite frankly told me without telling me that I needed to live her life with her rather than building our life. She had done that and wasn't going to do it again.
So here I am living on my own in a little studio halfway through my life. I don't remember the last time I had a day without a drink or two. Thanks to the Kudzu and St. John's I was down to two or three drinks a day unless it was liquor in which case that number could easily double. A little insomnia but for the most part . . .
Back in February I was working almost 24/7 (I'm still on call 24/7 but this was different.) and my diet and sleep suffered. I hadn't been able to get back into a regular yoga practice including meditation and pranayama ( breathing exercises) until I had been a couple of months at the Dojan.
My Shifu also practices acupuncture and TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) and I have been seeing him to help me with the insomnia and because I do not wish to remain on BP meds for the next 40 to 60 years. I've been uncomfortable talking to him about my drinking. Even when Kudzu was on back order and I've only got back on it in the past week or so. A bad few weeks that I'm still in the middle of. Blood levels not quite there yet.
Non-committed relationship with my girl of the last 8 years I've only started back on the Kudzu and St. John's in the past week or so. Can't bring myself to practice like i should because I'd rather drink and then I end up posting all over facebook and facebook messenger and then realizing that I've over promised and over extended myself in the morning when all I want to do is stay home by myself, watch tv and drink.
It has only been worse since I've decided I need at least two weeks to a month of abstinence. Still can't get my head around an alcohol free life though the logical, scientific part of me knows that I need that long or longer.
Just needed to share my story. Thanks.
In 2005 I had come to the end of an oath I has made to myself. My BA in psych under my belt though my first gambit for acceptance into grad school had been turned down. However it was done and I could think of getting into another relationship again since I let the girl who should've been my wife go because I wasn't ready. It was less than a month until my self published book was set to come out.
There was a woman who took up that torch. I was to find out in short order about her daughter who was entering her last year of high school. It may be a little old school but you don't ask a woman her age or her weight. Turned out the difference was nearly 20 years. That is not the part that brought me to this place though.
I did what I could as someone who was still not even ready for marriage to be something of a father. Of course it doesn't really matter when the girl has been raised by her mother and grandmother and didn't really care for an outsider like me to try to make our lives a home. So I forgot about it, when they were ready I thought to myself. All the while, month by month, stopping by after work to have a drink or two or three or ....
For 2 years I somehow was fine with this. Two drinks and I'd go home to meditate and practice yoga as I had for the 15 years previous. As the second year progressed I was trashed most nights, asleep in my chair at work. I wasn't there for my girl or her daughter and the grandmother . . . well, I wasn't making the best impression. The fact that she could afford most things they needed or wanted, well, where did I fit in?
Eventually after a year and a half like this I chose to go back to school, to try and focus on being there for them whether they chose to need or want me to help them with their life rather than just live their life with them. I found the research on Kudzu and started to take it along with St. John's Wort. I tried again to connect with the family, to be there for them.
After the career change and I had dealt with the debt I had built up in that house I asked my girl to move out with meas her mother owned the house and I was never going to be allowed to move int there. We had talked about it and with my finances and my personal care doing better . . . . She told me no and quite frankly told me without telling me that I needed to live her life with her rather than building our life. She had done that and wasn't going to do it again.
So here I am living on my own in a little studio halfway through my life. I don't remember the last time I had a day without a drink or two. Thanks to the Kudzu and St. John's I was down to two or three drinks a day unless it was liquor in which case that number could easily double. A little insomnia but for the most part . . .
Back in February I was working almost 24/7 (I'm still on call 24/7 but this was different.) and my diet and sleep suffered. I hadn't been able to get back into a regular yoga practice including meditation and pranayama ( breathing exercises) until I had been a couple of months at the Dojan.
My Shifu also practices acupuncture and TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) and I have been seeing him to help me with the insomnia and because I do not wish to remain on BP meds for the next 40 to 60 years. I've been uncomfortable talking to him about my drinking. Even when Kudzu was on back order and I've only got back on it in the past week or so. A bad few weeks that I'm still in the middle of. Blood levels not quite there yet.
Non-committed relationship with my girl of the last 8 years I've only started back on the Kudzu and St. John's in the past week or so. Can't bring myself to practice like i should because I'd rather drink and then I end up posting all over facebook and facebook messenger and then realizing that I've over promised and over extended myself in the morning when all I want to do is stay home by myself, watch tv and drink.
It has only been worse since I've decided I need at least two weeks to a month of abstinence. Still can't get my head around an alcohol free life though the logical, scientific part of me knows that I need that long or longer.
Just needed to share my story. Thanks.
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