I just can't stand the madness anymore!

[Iwantmeback]

:new: I just don't understand how this can be so difficult! To want something so bad (to be AF) and not be able to get there! People set goals all the time and reach them, some are harder than others, and some take longer BUT "this" drinking madness is making me KrAzY! No matter what I do, it won't go away!

I had 2 years... And then, BAM! One drink led to this last year of drinking binges, ruined relationships, unkept promises and countless hours of wasted time nursing a hangover.

I have one day sober... this weekend I did the worst drunk texting ever! I'm so embarrassed and feel like crawling under a rock and never, never showing my face!! I texted my male friend and pretty much told him how "magical" our chemistry could be.... it was disgusting! I'm mortified. Of course he never responded to any of my gazillion texts. But wait, it gets even better - I recently reconnected with an old boyfriend who I was crazy about (but my drinking ruined that), he agreed to share time and see what happens. Then this weekend I went crazy on him telling him he was committment phobic... I guess it wasn't too bad because by the grace of God he is still talking to me...

I tried AA but it wasn't for me. I tried the $400.00 vitamin regimen but I couldn't swallow the horrendous vitamins and the 5-10 vitamins every 2 hours!! I've made deals with God, I've screamed at the top of my lungs.... I don't know what to do...

So here I am.... I came across this website and found some amazing support in the stories you have all so generously and kindly shared. I hope to read, read, read and post, post, post... I have the Kudzu, Glutamine, and vitamins that I can actually take. I bought some books to entertain me at night, and I joined the gym. I'm trying to improve my relationship with God...

I have 3 young adult children who do their own thing most of the time, which leaves me a lot of solo down time My most difficult time is at night. What do normal people do at night??? Thank you for reading my endless banter. I'm hoping for the best and that I might at one point reach the level so many of you have reached Congratulations!

[LostSoul33]

I just can't stand the madness anymore!

I know this story all too well! Mortifying! If it makes you feel any better, my drunken self actually DELETES the sent messages so my sober self doesn't wake up and find them. How's that for crazy? lol
I am on Day 3, also don't think AA is for me. I will be your AF buddy if you like Ready to do this once and for all.
Congrats on your 2 years-- you can get back to that but you can't do it alone. You need a plan, one day at a time for now and, yes, post and read all you can.
In terms of evening alone time, I have been listening to a podcast called the Bubble Hour and an audiobook called Drinking: A Love Story. Not sure what I am going to do once I go through these distractions. MWO is also consuming and extremely helpful, the people here are angels.

[paulywogg]

I just can't stand the madness anymore!

Hi Iwantmeback,i typed out your whole screen name because last month i was in a horrible drunken state and i kept saying those words"I want ME back",amazing what buttnuggets we turn into while drinking isn't it?the embarrasing things we do/say,the promises,the grandiose plans tbat are just plain stupid,you had 2 years,you can do it again,just stick here,read,post,post,post! welcome to you

[Iwantmeback]

I just can't stand the madness anymore!

Thank you for the encouraging words paulywogg..... One day at a time. That is all I can bear for the moment.

[Iwantmeback]

I just can't stand the madness anymore!

Thank you for sharing that LostSoul33... I don't think you are lost ..... I've woken up wanting to DELETE messages, I leave them for a while so at one point and time I can go back be MORTIFIED at my texts!! Its the only way I can remember what I said!!

It takes a lot to say what you did about drunken texts. And I'm CERTAIN many of us here feel the same.. It's a shameful thing we do; especially because we would never do that in our sober selves.

The good thing is that we are owning it..... we have a DEEP desire for sobriety, but sometimes we fall. People fall a lot. Maybe not by drinking but definitely by other means.

Thank you again LostSoul33, your reply did make me feel better And I am definitely interested in traveling this journey with you.

[Byrdlady]

I just can't stand the madness anymore!

Welcome aboard!
There are 2 links below and both are life savers. Newbie's Nest is a safe place to get your wings back. We are excellent listeners and we derive strength from each other. Many days, just getting your thoughts out of your head and on to paper helps clear out the mind chatter. The Tool Box is a collection of 7 years of tips, articles and coping skills to help you. We are so glad you found us! This place saves lives, and I'm one of them! Byrdie

[Iwantmeback]

I just can't stand the madness anymore!

Thank you Brydie... I'm headed over to the links. Day 1 again........ but this time there's a significant committment to "just do it! " .. feeling defeated but not giving up!

[K9Lover]

I just can't stand the madness anymore!

Welcome IWMB!
Wow I could have written your original post! The drunken texts/calls/emails and the "morning after" shame and anxiety became too much for me to bear. I literally would wake up in a PANIC, cold sweats, shaking...all because I didn't know what I'd done the night before, or because I did remember bits and pieces of it. And like LostSoul, I got good at deleting my messages before I passed out so I wouldn't have to see them the next day. It's madness!!
As far as what "normal" people do at night, that was my big question too. Before you know it not drinking WILL be normal. You'll find things to do, places to go. But in the meantime, distract yourself in any way possible...or like me, go to bed early!
We're glad you've found us...hope you stick around!
K9

[Iwantmeback]

I just can't stand the madness anymore!

Thank You K9! I definitely plan on sticking around. Sooooo tired of the madness. Day 1 again (sigh) ...

Yes, the shame is crazy!! Texting things I would NEVER text sober! Oh Em Gee, its so degrading! But its over... I can't change it. My friend has forgiven me and I've decided to remove the old boyfriend from the picture. He is a big drinker so probably not a good idea after all!

I can't wait for not drinking to be the normal! Waking up without the effects of alcohol. Clearer thinking, no more days like today.... distract will be the name of my game! Whatever it takes to keep the demon away. Thank you again K9 for the support!

[Pavati]

I just can't stand the madness anymore!

Hi, I want:

Follow Byrdie's links - they're full of great advice about how to get and stay sober.

I had a lot of help with one on one counseling. Any chance you could swing that? Or some other in-person meeting if AA didn't work? I know a lot of people here find success without that, but I find the real life commitment helpful for my accountability.

And it is so difficult because alcohol is an addictive drug. Quitting drinking is not just a matter of will power - you have to out wit the addicted part of your brain.

Stay close, this site has been amazing help for me.

Pav

[Iwantmeback]

I just can't stand the madness anymore!

Thanks K9 and Pavati You are so right Pav "you have to outwit the addicted part of your brain". Back to day 1 again for me (insert heavy sigh here). I'm finding that nights alone are one of my biggest triggers. So this week, I plan on attending a class at the gym every night after work. I found an AA meeting for Friday night and thankfully have a weekend that is booked... not a guarentee by any means, but I won't give up!!! Thank you for all the support..

Ugh.. Day 1 again

[K9Lover]

I just can't stand the madness anymore!

How are you doing today?
Don't worry about starting over, we have ALL had to re-start many times. Evenutally it will click. Your plan to stay busy is great...that's the secret (for me anyway)...boredom makes me want to drink! (Like I should ever be bored with a house that needs cleaning, laundry to be done, meals to be made...etc, etc...??!!)

[LostSoul33]

I just can't stand the madness anymore!

IWMB - you can do it girl. I like your plan and hopefully we can meet on Sunday for a meeting and a coffee! XO

[Iwantmeback]

I just can't stand the madness anymore!

Thank you K9!! Yes, that seems to be one of my greatest triggers too - boredom.. And like you, I have pages of lists of things that need to be done But where is the fun in that?? ... To compliment my anxiety, I prefer to be out doing things instead of working on my domestic Goddess skills, the problem is that I've had to "delete" a lot of friends ( you know the ones," hey lets go grab a drink"), and I'm not very good at doing things by myself, so there is a huge problem for me in my battle against AL.

Thanks for the continued support! Those words go so much further and deeper than you can imagine. It is so good to know that someone TRULY understands this battle of cravings and being defeated and having to start over again and again... it can be so self-defeating. But I'm on Day 3 Still a little shaky, but just taking it one day at a time!

Have a great day K9! What other things work for you aside from domestic duties?(that's a good one but, well.. you know, what else you got?) haa haa! Do you attend AA K9?

Thanks LS!! You are my inspiration!! And thanks for the great support! You are rocking this AF thing! Sunday is looking good for me! Have a great day and Congratulations on Day 11!!!

[Eloise]

I just can't stand the madness anymore!

Oh boy, yes I can relate all to well to your posts iwantmeback.
And after 2 years it started all over! Amazing what a strong control alcohol has over us.
The good news is, once you stop, so does the nonsense. There is nothing wrong with you, its what the booze does to you.
Dont drink today, no matter what. Just worry about today & read like crazy here. And the supplements work, honestly they do, this is a big part of how I got through the first weeks AF I am sure,of it.