I'm scared.. I'm 45, in a high level position at work, am highly regarded, am funny and loved (except by myself). I love Jesus so much he is the lord of my life so how can I admit that I'm an alcoholic? My brother (recovering) and my Dad are alcoholics, I would never be that and besides I really only drink wine these days. I don't go out to bars really anymore but instead I sit home and drink a bottle or two every night of red wine by myself while my husband sits upstairs and smokes pot... It's a great marriage. I have gained nearly 50 lbs the past year, I look and feel like shit but I still get up every day go to work, kick ass at work and earn a substantial income but I can't keep doing this to myself, I'm miserable.
Recently I've been really foggy and drinking pretty close to two bottles a night, I feel like I stutter sometimes and can't think of words when I'm working. Also the other day (I know this is gross) but my stool was whitish and I looked that up and it said that could be signs of Alcohol Hepatitis, that is the last straw! I hope. I'm scared. I've been drinking since I was 14 and I'm now 45, drinking has always meant fun times for me, an outlet, a way to hide my insecurities, etc... It's ranged from all different levels throughout my life, I've dabbled in drugs throughout my years but have never had any ties to drugs other than the legal kind. The funny thing is that I can tell my friends, family or even my husband that I think I have a drinking problem and they all say "No, you're not an alcoholic, you just need to cut back" but they don't realize that come 3ish I start to get anxious to figure out which way I'm going to head home so I can stop by the store and pick up a couple of bottles of wine. I'm getting worse, I'm choosing drinking over the things I should be doing like going to see my horse, taking care of myself or even work.
I'm a very social person and I don't want to be an alcoholic, I want to be able to drink in moderation. I enjoy tying one on with my girlfriends and cutting loose especially now that I live in FL near the beach which is a drinker paradise... I need to surround myself with positive like minded people and can use good tools and good advise. I started working out, I'm drinking lots of tea, think I'll go get me a caramel apple cider from starbucks tonight to help with the cravings of something. That is one of the things I'm feeling right now is I'm craving something, even a menthol cigarette and I don't smoke anymore but I feel like I need something.. why is that?
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