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**roxane** · February 24, 2015, 06:31 AM

hi dutch

for some reason your post has slipped down unnoticed. first of all well done for recognising the huge flags all round you. easy to miss if you want to be blind to them.

the fact that you know you use alcohol to remedy stress is a big one. many people (not just here) use mindfulness, yoga, watching films, stitchwork or going for a simple walk. anything that takes your mind from the stress. as you see, it can be anything. you go to alcohol probably beacuse its what youve grown up with. a learned behaviour.

have you tried not drinking at a family gathering? i can imagine it would seem to be unimaginable. what would they say? should you care if they have a go at you? will you (be made to) feel the odd one out in a bad way? its all learned behaviour with them also by the sound of. what you all know. its comfortable to all drink together. maybe they wont even notice. have you spoken to your brother about he feels about it all and how he is/was treated?

there is a theory that tolerance is where you left it. after a period of abstinence you may be ok for a drink or two but it ramps up quickly to where you left off.

i havent commented on everything you wrote but hopefully what i have makes some sense.

have a read around if you havent already. you will see a complete mix of people from all round the world at different stages.

welcome.

**abcowboy** · February 24, 2015, 08:34 AM

Welcome to MWO Dutch! I echo what roxane said, we all start somewhere, and we are all different. Starting with a month AF (alcohol free) is great, you may find after that month to just keep adding up the days! Good luck on your journey, whatever path you choose!

**Dutch1988** · February 24, 2015, 11:21 AM

Thanks for the feedback,

Roxane I think you are definitely right, it just became a learned behavior. I drank a little bit before I was 21, but at a funeral for my grandm that's when I really remember using it to deal with stress/sadness, since well, that's what everyone in my family was doing. As for not drinking at family get together a, I think only one or two would say anything remotely negative, my older brother is a recovering alcoholic so that can't talk too poorly of deciding to stop, but the guys also hooked on benzos for anxiety/panick attacks, so he's got a pretty good crutch. I would rather learn to deal with my emotions in a more productive way, during abstinence days I go to the gym late with friend to keep me motivated to not drink.

Weekends seem to be harder because I use alcohol to celebrate just making it through the week. The last couple of times I caved after a month of abstinence it was a celebration, not a stress reaction. but again it was when I was hanging out with my family or the few drinkers I know. They always seem like they are having a good time and I think what will it hurt in that moment. Just for instance I have a party I'm going to this Saturday where I am know there will be alcohol, not looking forward to it anymore haha.

Appreciate any feedback, I made it through a stressful Monday that was tougher than usual, just take it a day at a time I guess.

**ShawTHo** · March 3, 2015, 03:54 AM

Quitting is also never easy for me. I find my environment very distracting. I came to the point where I need to tell everyone why I don't go to parties anymore. I take my recovery seriously that's why I attend counseling at Hope Recovery Addiction Center. Thankfully, I have my family and friends at my side to support me. I don't feel alone and I can sense I will overcome my addiction problem. Take it one day at time. I'm sure you also can recover from your problem, don't give up on yourself.

**Dutch1988** · February 11, 2016, 01:53 PM

Well I have completely changed from reading this last time. It has almost been a year since I quit drinking for good, and about to my first quit I tried here(2/23) on mywayout. My whole thought process has changed quite a bit. Life still happens though, and the pink cloud effect is long gone. LONG GONE. Every time I go through a new unpleasant experience I know I am never going to drink at that situation again. The toughest two things so far have been financial stress and my wife having a miscarriage. The miscarriage pain has eased over time, but I have to admit I did get on an antidepressant so that could be helping with that. The financial stress is constant, and I have had to learn to try and be mindful and present more with my family instead of thinking about work all the damn time.

I used to drink at the end of the day to relax, but that was just because I liked the buzz. Now I eat ice cream at the end of the day as a fix, and considering I can still see my abs and am not gaining weight I am going to stop giving myself a hard time for that. The sugar craving will continue. I also used facebook as an addiction for awhile when I was stressed. I don't recommend this. Scrolling through people's feeds and commenting is somehow emptier than just posting comments on here. It's that whole shame(afraid of doing something that will lose connection with people) idea. You can't be yourself on facebook unless you are really comfortable being vulnerable and not worried about pissing people off. I have too many clients as friends on there to do that. I don't need a situation like school where I pretend to be someone I am not.

I have been more present for my wife and my brother in their times of distress. Although at the same time less because I can't be super man all the time. I used alcohol to justify emotions I didn't like and bad situations because I knew it was there at the end of the day. I have been a little closer to my daughter, but this year was a year of stress and sadness, so I have not improved in leaps and bounds. To be honest I tried extra hard to have fun with her when alcohol wasn't around trying to be perfect, I didn't want to think alcohol prevented me from being close to my daughter. Now I give myself more slack, we don't lie in bed and watch tv shows because I am hungover, but sometimes I flip something on because i need some time out to myself.

I meditate haphazardly, and when I get a good routine going wonder why I ever stopped. It just makes it so much easier to catch the bullshit someone piled into my head. At some point I associated financial success with success period, and that is just not true. My wife had to talk to me for 10 minutes yesterday because I am not doing well with my business and my best friend texted me about his success. I used to be happy for my friends when they showed their financial success, but with their profession is computer programming and I hav been left far behind. She pointed out they didn't have another person they were trying to support or a daughter to spend time with. She also said she never married me because I chose a profession for money, she married me because she knew I always got things done and would do whatever it takes to protect my family. These are the thoughts I remind myself as I meditate and a future business worry or failure pops into my head.

So I will continue on to a year for now. I have been thinking about the people on here that stick with their quits and how they say their lives are so much better without alcohol. The only thing I can figure is the ones who leave associate more pain with what they have given up than the pleasure of not having it and what it has done for their lives. I honestly feel more nervous and anxious than ever. I know from people's stories on here I would go straight back to drinking the same way. I don't think I can maintain my healthy lifestyle that way. I have no plans to drink, but it will be hard after this milestone and I need to set up a new number in my head.

**lex** · February 11, 2016, 02:15 PM

dutchman- great post! I am coming up on a year, too, and sometimes I wonder whether I can keep it going for much longer. Reading your post has helped me strengthen my resolve. Thank you!

**kuya** · February 11, 2016, 03:01 PM

Great post!

I assure you things go on getting better. I had a great first year, hard second year but everyone is different.

The main thing is you are sober and don't feel you have to be superman. Also your partner sees and loves you for you....you are a lucky man

**Eloise** · February 22, 2016, 11:10 PM

Dutch, I am coming up on year 2 and I can say things are a lot better.
There are fewer questions in my mind and more patience. And yes, I have needed a lot of patience in the past 6 months. Thank god I had it.
I think you will feel glad if you set another year goal of sobriety ahead for yourself.
Life is a lot less confusing. I also think it is not just quiting that helps, it is all the other stuff we do to take care and stay quit.
The yoga, the exercise, the self-care that contributes to a new piece of mind.

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