how screwed am i ???!!!

[rachel28]

right then its hard knowing where 2 begin ann harrd to remember what ive said previously, i appologise in advance if i ramble on u know the 1 once u start u just cant stop , that sums me up about most things, TALKING !! smoking , weed, amphetamines, Es an descructive relationships, (altho i have a lovely partner 3yrs 2gether but its still a descructive relationship down 2 MY drinkin this time tho) my other bad habbits i can take or leave ish smokin an anphetamine come hand in hand with the dreaded booze, im 28 now im gonna go right bk 2 were i think it began, so this is gonna get long, 13th birthday i got steaming, sherry, cider and CHERRYADE!! ltr of each! mixed! i loved it, i was so drunk i walked bare foot thru bonfire!! lovely burns, puked in my hair! then washed it in the stinking river and fell in, i got home after jumping in a gorse bush to hide from the police!!! and was sick again!! i loved it! 2 weeks and ltr of vodka later i got raped while i was passed out in the park, the 24yr old in question said i was well up for it the nxt day, i had no memory of it even happening, my friend told me id slept with him but she could hear me snoring, i was like a rag doll while my friend dressed me an carried me home., its took yrs to click that was rape, it left me with a very messed up view of men, igot drunk everyday, i had lost my virginity with no memory of it, in a drunk state it seemed wise to sleep with some 1 else as thats what men wanted from me, i got extremly drunk an allowed another 26yr old to, any way now i sound like a slut but at 13 an after bein took advantage of i blame that man,and myself for bein that drunk, at 16 i met my lads dad, he drank an got violent, gone were the party days it became a sourse of fear not a laugh any more, i stopped drinkin, we could not afford it an the arguments would b vicious, i became pregnant took a few more hidings, when my son was 6mth old an i was thrown downstairs he got arrested an i fled, it took a yr to get him out my life completly, the stalkin , phone calls etc, i started to drink socially again, i would get hammered at weekend when my mum had my child , i met a man who was ok 4 a laugh, 2 weekls later i found that he was a raging alchie he turned up shakin uncontrollably, he had beenn on a wek bender not eaten or washed i felt so sorry an maternal 4 him, he had been kicked out so i took pity, 2yrs and i dont now how many times he smashed me or my house up i found out he was bi sexual only toget beer, i also found out he had given me chlamidia id had it for 2 yrs an now have scaring on all my tubes an infertile, ive suffered chronic stomach an bowel problems as a result, i found the strength to throw him out the 2 yrs i had drunk usually alone waiting 4 him 2 come bk from pub. i started seeing my next door neighbour he had been my rock, he saved my ass a few times by intervening by knockin on door as i was getting thrown round room, he was doin a home detox from heroin, 4 his 3 yr old boy, we became soul mates helpin each other thro, i had abstained 4 a while with beer an anphetamine in suport, 1 nite we got bottle of wine as he was craving drugs, we got slaughtered an it soon became a nightly thing when my child ws asleep, we were happy ish , drink was a problem we split an i broke my heart i just drank vodka an passed out i didnt want to know at all, my brother moved in by this point, i spent all summer cryin an bein drunk, i had to watch the man i loved walkin past my house with different girls he 2 was destroying himself, but togrther we were destroying each other, he went to prision after a fight in a bar an i found brandy, vodka was making me sick, i think i probly had alcoholic poisioning a good few times that year, brandy was like sweet heaven , it didnt make me black out, i pulled myself up got myself together ish, i met my current partner who is te most normal man ive been with, we have had r troubles, he has cheated early on in r relationship, this has drove me to distraction, i have not had to worry about the cost of drinkin as he likes a beer after comin home hes a builder , there is always a fresh 16 cans a ber in the fridge, i have been steadily drunk 4 yrs but 4 a year i have been drinking in the mornings starting with 1 on a sat b4 work to ward off the hangover or brandy in the coffeee, thats been goin in longer, but now i find im drinkin at least 5 if i have time 6 cans a beer, im even gettin up earlier to fit em in b4 kids wake up, its increasin all the time, then i start again as soon as i get home from work, im never rollin round the floor drunk but i cant remember many details of days i guess thats y im on here i want to take control, thats 1 thing ive never had is CONTROL over MY life x i m sorry to go on xx

[bear73]

how screwed am i ???!!!

Rachel, you have been through some truly awful times. I hope you don't blame yourself for the rape when you were stil a child? That man was the adult and he was to blame, heo took advantage of a vulnerable young girl.

But you're strong because you've survived, you're still here and wanting to change your life, you haven't given up. Have you been to see your GP?
That may be a good starting point in case medication may help you initially, sometimes if we drink very heavily and stop suddenly it can make us ill and medication makes it safer.

I hope this helps, I'm a returner not been back here long.I'm sure some of the others will have wise words for you. Take care of yourself.

[rachel28]

how screwed am i ???!!!

thanks, its took me a long time to realse that but its just were my journey began its a factor of y im here but not the reason, i cant come up wiv a reason they all sound like excuses 2 me, i have had some good advice an im takin it in, i had my 1st weekend of stoppin drinkin at 8,30pm, usually i drink till gone 11, 12? i did still start early but i have cut down considerably, last week, i need to stop the morning drinking thts so shamefull to admit, im still dubious about the dr, as i have a child an they may say im unfit, but on other hand i have a child an shud b doin all i can to sort my life out 4 him, my aim now is to reduce my intake an then i will go to dr i have had a liver function teset which did come bk with high enzymes, that was a yr ago, i have approached dr several yrs ago an said i was drinkin a lot, they offered me councellig i think i chickened out an told them i was fine now so they do have an inkling, its a matter of making that huge choice to DO IT! as a returner do u mean to the site or to alcohol, have u been af, thank u 4 your wise words very appreciated xx

[maryt]

how screwed am i ???!!!

hi rachel so sorry about everything that has happened to you i am going to echo bears words and say that none of it was your fault and don,t blame yourself and i would recommend that you go see your gp i also have a kid and it was never a problem for me and if there is one motivation to get clean then it has to be your child you are strong and you can do this not going to pretend it is easy cos it is not but you have to just keep plugging away and you will get there eventually good luck and take care

love maryt

[Keepon!!!!]

how screwed am i ???!!!

Hi Racheal28 My thoughts are with I know we can not change the past as they say yesturday was history tommorrow is a mystery and today is a gift thats why they call it the present........You seem like a very strong person and well done for coping and being strong for your boy you have recognised your problems and you are trying to deal with them and I believe that if you keep on trying you will get there in the end dont worry about what people may say about ie dr about your drinking and your boy because I felt the same but they can not judge because your are trying to sort yourself out thats the difference so be strong and hold your head up high you can fight this.........slowely but surely......:h

[rachel28]

how screwed am i ???!!!

thanks, i have day off im not glugging beer down my neck i have had 2 but usually ive had 5 ! im stuffin my face instead!! hopu u r both well an strong xx

[goingsobermum]

how screwed am i ???!!!

Keep up the eating! Seriously you are doing well keep it up. Try eating lots of fruit, fresh or dried to keep you busy rather than biscuits etc.

[rachel28]

how screwed am i ???!!!

thanks, i have been off all dy an only had 6 cans, thats better than if id gone to work, i havent rushed em, and ate an apple 4 1st time in yrs!!!! AND im on coffee no brandy!!!! there is 8 cans in fridge but im savin em 4 my bf, im hoping he hasnt bought more, i have warned him ill drink em if they r there previously, thanks 2 all of u i think im gettin SOMEWHERE!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx