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    Big Changes

    "Why I Think I Started Drinking," by liveandbreathe



    Used to work in a large city with really great, open-minded friends whom I met up with at least three times a week as we all lived in the same neighborhood pretty much - no drinking necessary - great conversation and intellectual stimulation. Had in said city very supportive husband , regular yoga classes, "porch parties" (hot wings and a glass of wine, maybe) and other interesting things to do and enjoy. Great house....life was peachy, then....

    Father died in an accident when I was mid-30's. CHOSE (I bold that because yes, it was my choice....) to move from my relatively happy life to run business in very small town for the sake of my surviving mother and younger brother (who was a bit of a late born baby), who themselves live in fabulous larger, cosmopolitan cities. Mother was entirely dependent upon father's income. Father was generous to us and employees.

    I also am ambitious and have a strong work ethic. Employees needed to retain their jobs because they are not easy to find around here and they are well paid. Employee's also love their jobs. Business profitable. So yes, it was a sacrifice but I was willing to give it a shot.

    Shall we say, my options for ethnic food (outside of pizza and mashed potatoes made with whipping cream - which is a delicacy where I now live) and other delights are entirely diminished unless I want to drive three hours to nearest city. Yoga class? Now I might as well be a pointy-hatted witch if I even bring up the subject. Social or intellectual stimulation? Let me say that I can quote old (pre-code) Barbara Stanwyk films verbatim - thank you Netflix!

    I order my organic and other "weird" - that's a local quote - foods online. Miss my father, but life goes on and I believe strongly that he is in a "better place" though I am not religious about the "Heaven/Hell/Purgatory" question. Miss my intellectual and social stimulation. Loved "comraderie". Brutal winters don't help. Talk about Seasonal Affective Syndrome! Jeez.

    Got really freaked out after father died in accident and became family support center. Started drinking. One drink every night for two months after father died, then two to three drinks (stiff) for a year, then three to five drinks very stiff (I'm talking a night), then I found myself drinking all night every night until bedtime and here I am.

    I'm really, really bored with drinking and disgusted with myself.

    Questions I am asked by my closest friends who know my problem:

    1) Why don't you work out to yoga on your DVD player? Answer: Sometime I do (or did, really) but it's just not the same....social contact is very important to me and let's be frank....you need a real live instructor for yoga.

    2) Why don't you leave? Answer: I do, when I can....I take about six "leaves of absence" a year (long weekends or a week) to get away and see friends. My drinking slows up when I'm gone. Then I get back all "high" from life and seeing my friends and travels and BOOM, drinking again.

    3) Why don't you move your home office from a small town to the city that is three hours away? Answer: Because where we do business requires I be at certain facilities around here on short notice in the locale where I am located.

    4) Are you trying to make friends and find other things to do? Answer: Absolutely! But it ain't easy being green. I am opinionated, open-minded, socially aware, environmentally conscious and all I get when I try to talk with people at the local fair is "Huh?" No kidding. I have adapted to my environment but no way am I giving up who I am. I'm also not giving up my clothes (great suits, jeans, etc....but I have toned my style down a bit; well, more than a bit. Quite a lot, actually.)

    5) What does your husband feel about this drinking problem and your boredom? Answer: My husband is far less Type A than myself and he is an artist of sorts so can do his work anywhere. He would be happy in a cave so long as he were fed and watered and had a good book. He is very "chill" about the situation. He is a great man. He has - however - started to give me "the look" when I hit the liquor cabinet at 5:30 pm, though he says nothing about my three to six stiff cocktails a night. He did take me aside and showed me that a jigger of hard liquor is 1.5 ounces, and not the 3 I pour into a rocks glass. He understands that I am under a lot of pressure and what-not but is not one to be chatty/conversational about it like my great girlfriends. And talking to the dog is not really an option. She would make a great enabler if she could. I talk to my friends on the phone but it's not the same.

    I know...whine, whine, whine. But I'm laying it on the line. Boredom and - of course - some serious adjustment problems/depression (I was "daddy's girl") at first. Now it's a habit. No more depression, thankfully. And I do have good days certainly. But that's all pretty much work-related now and not "all encompassing" anymore.

    And that's my drinking story.

    #2
    Big Changes

    Live and Breathe, I feel for you. I lived in a small town in the the midwest for 7 years. I tried my best to bloom where I was planted. I had always been highly respected at work. There, I was seen as a trouble maker and finally had to leave my job to keep my sanity. I feel I barely escaped with my life. I hope I would be here on this site even if I were still there but I'm not sure. Are you sure your family wants you making this sacrifice for them?

    Comment


      #3
      Big Changes

      Excellent question and I appreciate your interest, truly.

      My family has been very clear that they want me to be happy. But the facts are this.....if I leave my position, the company goes under due to a variety of reasons which I prefer not to post because it would take away a level of anonymity for me. We are very profitable....we aren't Bill Gates but we aren't poverty-stricken like my parents were when they were growing up as kids in the Southern US.

      Most of my employees have children who are college age or approaching college age and my father promised to help them with scholarships. I want to carry on his legacy in this regard as I was fortunate to have a good education in college and grad school. Also, my mother would have to give up her comfortable lifestyle and my brother would not be able to go to college.

      Life is tough. But there are a great many things my father did for me that he was going to do for my brother but died before he could. I can not bear the unfairness of it all.

      Also, I am sort of a Buddhist in theory. In my view, happiness and life are what you make of it in any given situation so I view myself as weak that I can not adjust to this small town and I can not control my drinking.

      I am starting the Kudzu, etc next week. I want to be the sort of person who is adaptable, like I thought I was, but am apparently not. I don't like that about myself.

      Comment


        #4
        Big Changes

        No, I didn't like that I wasn't adjusting well either. Especially since one of the reasons we moved there was because of my seasonal affective disorder. My husband has limited mobility so we took what we could that was some improvement in weather for me and a better job for him. I knew I was in real trouble when I had a health scare and started thinking about dying and knew if I was I wanted to go home even if it meant leaving my husband. And the home I wanted was not the one I'd lived in for 20+ years with all the good friends, it was where I was raised. I've realized that for me there is a certain type of geography that feels like where I belong. I'm very fortunate to have been able to move a year ago to someplace fairly similar in terrain and weather to where I grew up. And it has an airport which makes all those other connections much easier. What you are doing is very admirable. I hope the kudzu and L-glutamine and cds and support here help and that with the drinking under control you can start to see more clearly what to do. You don't say how long ago your father died but you may still be grieving that as well. My dad and mom both died when I was early 30's. It is difficult. Welcome to the site and I wish you the best.

        Comment


          #5
          Big Changes

          Hi Live and Welcome! You are very introspective and I have no doubt you can conquer this, whatever your goal is. Nice to have you here!!
          I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me

          Comment


            #6
            Big Changes

            Welcome Live,
            Well I grew up in a small town and then moved to a very large city for many years where I found the life you speak of and the friends, the social life the easy access to everything. Even the Yoga. Then I moved back to a very small town to raise my children where I don't have those things anymore. My drinking also increased. It's a process and you have taken the right step in posting here and ordering the kudzu.
            I have been here almost a year and my drinking behavior has changed significantly. It's really about finding the "triggers" for me and I have found that I have a lot of them.

            I wish you the very best.
            "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

            Comment


              #7
              Big Changes

              Welcome Live,
              I live in a small town, but I would'nt want to be anywhere else, so even though I'm
              where I want to be it never stopped me from drinking. I do have some good friends
              and neighbours, and whilst none of us are intellectuals we do have some open minded
              and frank discussions. It takes time to get to know people, perhaps when you do you
              will be happier.
              Best of luck Paula.
              .

              Comment


                #8
                Big Changes

                Thank you all for your posts.....and don't get me wrong, I spent many a day in a small town with grandparents when younger and for weekend getaways which I find very relaxing and fun.....but this is the sort of place where the two hot things to do are drink and/or eat pizza. Seriously. I do make use of the library, etc. but it's really a culture shock. I'll work it out. Thanks for your input. Really appreciated. I'll work on expanding my horizons.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Big Changes

                  Best of luck, hope you feel more at home soon.
                  Love Paula.
                  .

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Big Changes

                    Hello and welcome,

                    Your story rang some bells for me half a world away. Some number of years ago I moved from a place I loved to the city I now live in . It wasn't my move and I resented my husband for 'making' me move and was very miserable and unhappy for the first year or so. In retrospect I think I can trace the start of my drinking problem to that time also . I can actually recall the day that I decided enough was enough and that I had better start making an effort to learn about my new home and to do things that I could do here that I couldn't do any where else. I now love this place!

                    I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes settling into a place or a circumstance that really can't be changed is simply a matter of deciding to do so . As simple - and as difficult - as that.

                    As for the drinking problem. Well you're here - and here is the very best place to be. The MWO program really works. It's worked for me and for many , many others. So read all you can, ask any questions you want to and then get cracking - and good luck!

                    Robin

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Big Changes

                      If you read through the messages on these boards, you see that there are a lot of different things that people use to explain drinking behavior. I remember a thread asking whether artistic types were more likely to drink because we are more sensitive. And at the time, I responded that high pressure careers were probably also likely to trigger a drinking problem.

                      Lonely people say loneliness is at the root, while married people cite problems in their relationships. People have a variety of problems in life. but the drinking just can't be the solution to them anymore. You talk a lot about the cultural issues that make you drink, but it also sounds like your are under a lot of pressure and have a lot of responsibility. Not to mention the fact that you could still be grieving after the loss of your father.

                      That is a major life change and you will need time to adjust. I think you should feel really good about taking that business on successfully, by the way.

                      i think you should think about the kind of feelings you are having and try just feeling them for a week or two without booze (ooh, here is an idea, maybe I should take my own advice). Is it really that bad to experience? or do you have to try to block it out with alcohol? Life will be better if you learn how to live with these feelings instead of escaping from them. I believe that alcohol inherently is an addictive substance and we should start looking on it that way, it's not a harmless way to relieve stress

                      Also, regarding the lack of people with similar interests... there must be some people there you could form friendships with. In fact I think one very close friend does a world of good. Sometimes when you have a big group of friends and a busy life in a fast-paced city, the actual quality of the relationships can be superficial.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Big Changes

                        Venting further.....

                        I am still grieving my father, but really I'm okay with him. I have my moments of course...and go to a psychologist once a week (yep, we have two within a 30 minute radius) as of two months ago - which I enjoy because I can say whatever I like about whatever I like without concern and he is very knowledgeable about addictions, death/grieving, etc and comes from a similiar background as my own. It is almost like he is a "paid acquaintance." Of course I run into him all over town but he is very cool.

                        In my town, there are the "haves" and the "have nots" - no middle road. It is an odd sort of structure which I am not accustomed to. In my world now, I am viewed as a "have" simply because I am the boss of a business which is profitable, respected and growing and we also evidently live in the "right" part of town (I was told this once by a person in an auto store who knew my dad and you could have knocked me over with a feather.) My husband and I moved into this house and took over my deceased father's mortage because it was the simplest thing to do at the time. Now it is as we like it -the interior and exterior I mean....no "dad"-stuff lying around. We have made our home our own.

                        In my former life, I was a "have not" - or just "liveandbreathe" (I was both a freelancer and an employee of a large business who was respected for my work ethic and my candor) and it didn't matter one iota to me who was a "have" or a "have not" or whatever....I had my truly close friends and my acquaintances and didn't care about who you were or what you did or what you looked like or whatever so long as you were kind, witty and interesting.

                        Now, I find the oddest things happening which did not happen before. For example, I was in the local grocery store and was dressed up as I had been to a meeting earlier in the day. I was in the produce section and a little boy and his mom were looking at apples or something. I said to the little boy, who was staring as very young children do, "How are you, cutie?" and the mom literaly pulled him away from me and didn't respond.

                        WHOA! Freaked me out for the entire weekend.

                        If my husband and I are invited to a cookout by one of the "haves" in the neighborhood, which has happened twice in three years, the conversation is very stagnant and reticent. It is as if there is a code of behavior and I wasn't given the rule book. God forbid we discuss women's issues, the war, the global environment, politicians, or anything that doesn't involve golf or purely local matters.

                        This is what I miss, and it's been three years... wide open conversation without judgement or gossip. And the gossip factor is a killer around here. Jeez!

                        I know people try to "feel" one another out socially but I never had problems making friends....I have three very, very close friends who are now very far away but we keep in close contact via phone.

                        After one cookout, I got an email from an employee the next day who asked me if I really got to go to a cookout with "X, Y and Z". I was like, "Wow! How do you know this?" She could even state a few comments I made about local issues. Freaky. Word travels fast, I guess. Everybody wants to be "in the know" and I'm just a stranger in a strange land.

                        Okay, so I've vented and now its time to adapt. Or at least live here and just be myself. The lonliness is difficult but I am working to learn to be more isolated. Change of life. It happens to us all. I'll figure it out. Perhaps I should start painting again in spare time. I used to do that. I still write a great deal. (Usually during or after three cocktails!) I have an appt. with my physician in two weeks and am going to start the Topamax or whatever I feel would be best for me after more research. I've got the Kudzu, L-Glutamine, etc.

                        And here's some good news! I found a great massage therapist 40 minutes away....HOORAY!

                        Thanks for letting me vent.
                        I promise I'm not trying to whine or get too heavy
                        , as they said in the 70's!!! And again, I appreciate all your feedback.

                        I'm moving forward as best I can and enjoy posting and lurking here at MWO.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Big Changes

                          I was only 20 when my father died, it takes a long time to come to terms with,but you
                          seem to be on the right track, it must have been so difficult for you, grieving and having
                          to take on his business. The place where I live is a small village, and there is an awful
                          lot of gossip what people don't know they invent so don't worry about that.
                          You are welcome to vent any time if it makes you feel better
                          Love Paula.
                          .

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Big Changes

                            New Story Now....

                            Okay, so I got the Topa about a month ago or so, am taking the supps, was doing meditation already, started talking to a good therapist in town, kept with my massage therapist and after about two weeks BOOM! No more hard liquor. I was motivated to quit, and I have completely cut out hard liquor. I have maybe a glass of wine a night, and now instead of a "look" from my husband for grabbing for the whiskey bottle yet again I get a little lecture on wasting wine.

                            This is great. I actually throw wine out before I finish a glass. Weird. I am also in a weird sort of shock about it. So it's been a couple of weeks or so, but I don't even think about slamming back the booze like I did to ease my boredom or internal strife.

                            My new habit is writing a great deal. A GREAT deal. Which is a heck of a lot better than drinking from 5 pm until 10 pm when I hit the bed. What a waste of creative energy and time that was....but live and learn.

                            I see life a bit more clearly. "It is what it is" is my new motto about my cultural situation, so next year we are going to travel more. I am no longer the "Walking Dead" (in the evenings, that is).

                            I also see how it is to talk with people on the phone who are totally blotto, and recall what it must have been like to talk to ME when I was totally blotto and couldn't recall having talked to my mother or my friends the night before.

                            This is not to say I won't relapse, but I am very pleased. And humbled. And relieved.

                            So anyway....75 mg did it for me (the Topa). I have lost about 5 pounds alone just by cutting out about 400 - 700 empty calories a day. I'm happy about this too.

                            It's all good.... living for the moment.

                            Thanks very much for your welcoming support when I didn't know what the heck I was doing in the beginning. It meant a lot. I still lurk and sometimes post.

                            All the best!

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