So I am finally ready to go AF for however long it takes for me to get my life together. Doing the topamax/Roberta Jewell thingy to see if I can finally "fix" my brain the insatiable desire to constantly feel the warm embrace that alcohol brings. I'm posting all these things below because I feel they are pertinent to how my condition has developed or at the very least helped paved the neuro pathways for alcoholism to take root.
Me:
35 yr old Hispanic (Caucasian) male living in the midwest. I'm about 5' 10" 200lbs, still single w/o children, played a lot of sports in HS and college (football, baseball, wrestling), enjoys spending time at the gym or training in MMA sports for fun. So reading this, I do sound like an adrenaline junkie or at the very least like my dopamine. Did really enjoy doing coke for many years, but I'm pretty much done with that. Also I'm sure it didn't help that I constantly hit my head in football almost every single play. I definitely handed out a few concussions in my day. Never got treated for one myself, but I'm really positive I've had multiple. It was a different era when I played.
I started binge drinking in high school after games on weekends with my friends that increased in college and was not afraid to through drugs on top of it. Got in trouble a few times there because of it. Lived in a frat house for awhile but that was REAL bad for my drinking. Testosterone plus alcohol do not mix well, or at least should not be mixed. It was here where I found that my desire to drink exploded when stressed out (grades, girls, hungover, peer pressure, etc).
Welp ended up getting suspended for a semester and that was my first trip to AA even though it was short lived. I was too young for it right? Right? Besides all that, I did manage to graduate on time and stopped for a about a month until I got home to my longtime buddies. Started to work and went back to my crutch and drinking on the weekends to relax with my friends.
I managed to keep my drinking under my hat while I was determined to climb the corp ladder and find the american dream; as I was told would happen by EVERYONE. Work, climb the ladder, get promoted, make money, settle down, buy a house, 2 kids and dog, etc. Yea will life said SIKE, got some of those things but just mostly more bills and a bad drinking habit. 2008 hit went through a bad break up that took me years to forget all the while everyone around me got laid off and I got the pleasure of taking on multiple jobs and all on the same salary. Yay!
Did I mention my binge drinking now turned into daily drinking? At about this time I drinking heavily on the weekends with friends while also drinking at least a 12 pack a night after hitting the weights during weeknights.
Did that for a few years, then I finally said I was going to get my american dream on the right track. Changed jobs, bought a house, paid some bills, etc. Started moderation management to get a few ABS days in. It helped but that desire would ROAR back after a couple abstinence days. Up regulation I guess they call it. Then the shit show started at my current job. Company was poorly managed from the top, ousted CEOs and execs (it was a revolving door) and the stock price plummeted and so did the bonuses and any semblance of a pay raise. Senior execs decided it was time to "right-size" the company. The rolling layoffs started. I again got the pleasure of wearing more hats with no raise. Probably should have gotten out a this point but I figured if I'm one of the lucky ones I'll take a long, long vacation. Didn't happen. My company eventually got bought out.
I'm still a few years back at this point. I tried MM with some success but after that shit show at work, I realized I wasn't going to be able to moderate on my own. I decided I would the pharmacological route, even if I don't believe in meds. Alcohol isn't a med right? It's my friend. Here is where I started the sinclair method on my own after weeks of research. It does work. I was finally able to go through a full week with/o alcohol and did not whitenuckle it the whole way but never got to to extinction. BTW, there were a few failed relationships in there too. I also started giving up going to bars at this point. Not an easy feat. I also decided that I need to restart my life, the american dream hasn't really worked for me so I came to the resolution I need a fresh start somewhere else. I thought it was time to go back to school (in a different country) to get my masters and maybe start a different career. Worked on getting my house fixed up to put on the market got into a new relationship. Things seemed to be on a better path, until they fell apart.
Relationship feel apart, house did not sell, got into problems financially, started to drink more. Well, this time the relapse wasn't as bad. Started doing more research and found out about supplements that help curb drinking. So at this point I ABS most of the week but I would let loose every other week or sometimes on the weekend but I would go WOT and drink from sun up to sun down. Plenty of days without alcohol, but it was a roller coaster. I also did hypnosis, which helped tremendously which made me think maybe I'm not alcohol dependent. IDK, all I know is alcohol is not my friend and I will probably never be a regular person when it comes to drinking. I also started having sleep problems. I guess I used to drink myself to sleep and since it's not there all the time I would go days without a peep of shut eye. I've attributed it to the damage I caused my brain over the years and its F horrible. You want to break someone or test their metal? Take away their sleep. Ended up at the psychologist office looking for help on the sleep issues, drinking problem be damned I NEEDED sleep.
Now we are a few months ago with me still on the roller coaster, I would go a week without wanting any or being able to fight the cravings to finally giving in. Back and forth. The drugs the psychologist gave me for sleep helped with the anxiety and apparently panic attacks I had in the middle of the night, for a while. I got lax, thinking I may finally be turning the corner. Still listening to the hypnosis tapes I had made for me and filling my body with what google said I would be lacking from drinking myself away in supplements. Still up and down. Then on one of my down phases I got into an accident, when I was drunk. Realized this is it, I need OFF. Before I make a trip to rehab and give myself to AA, I did more research and found MWO and said HOLY SHIT. I have done most of the things that the book by Roberta did on my own by myself. I can across this website several times but I thought it was just another blog like TSM blog. I only recently read the excerpt from the book. I didn't buy it yet though. I may at some point.
So here we are 5/20/18, talked to my shrink and gave myself up as guinea pig the other day which he was surprisingly chill with. He's been trying to get me on lexapro for depression for sometime on top of the sleep meds. I don't believe I have depression, but I do believe alcohol makes me depressed. If I can fix my reward system, maybe just maybe I can get off the roller coaster for good without relapse. Started Day 1 of doing my version of the MWO book last night. I've been doing the supplements for years because they are also used in recovery during weightlifting (surprised they could be used for this too), already have my own personal hypnosis tapes which I know help me personally (it's not cheap going to a hypnotist), and did my first 25 mgs of topamax last night. Stopped drinking Friday, which I know I could ABS for a little while with or w/o the additional drugs. Anyways, this is my back story of how I got here. Going to the noob section next to track progress since this site is technically my only support at the moment. Thought about pulling in a friend or ex-gf but those are twisted tales in of on their own.
Family:
Father and mother do not drink, never really have. BUT I have alcoholic family members on both sides who either still are drinking or have died because of it. On my father's side, I watched my favorite uncle drink himself into an early grave. I was there multiple times as he tried to detox and watched him get DTs, not realizing I would be close one day myself. I even picked him up from the ER after one of his trips, only to watch him fall back to drinking heavily. I of course, being a teenager, thought it was normal as I started my own forays into binge drinking with my friends on weekends. I also had another uncle (the brother of the one I just mentioned) have an accident and die due to him drinking heavily. He (I assume) must have had some type of anxiety issues. He hated being around too many people and was pretty shy. Alcohol was his escape. He drank so much canadian whiskey one night, he slipped and fell down a flight of stairs and ending up dying of a brain aneurysm a few weeks later. He was only a few years older than me. This side of my family is mestizo. Grandma is full native mexican (if that it can be described that way) / indian, Guamare indian to be exact. My grandfather was more spanish but he used to claim he was Tarasco. Maybe that is why I enjoy the fire water sooo FM.
Now my brother is also suffering from drinking heavily. He uses it as a crutch much like I have in the past.
On my mothers side, most of my uncles are heavy, heavy tequila drinkers. So much so, that any one of her 6 brothers can polish off a bottle or 2 of tequila a night by themselves. If we have any family parties, they are NEVER dry. No alcohol deaths there but pretty sure some are or have cirrhosis. Plenty of cousins that have gotten in trouble with the law because of alcohol.
Me:
35 yr old Hispanic (Caucasian) male living in the midwest. I'm about 5' 10" 200lbs, still single w/o children, played a lot of sports in HS and college (football, baseball, wrestling), enjoys spending time at the gym or training in MMA sports for fun. So reading this, I do sound like an adrenaline junkie or at the very least like my dopamine. Did really enjoy doing coke for many years, but I'm pretty much done with that. Also I'm sure it didn't help that I constantly hit my head in football almost every single play. I definitely handed out a few concussions in my day. Never got treated for one myself, but I'm really positive I've had multiple. It was a different era when I played.
I started binge drinking in high school after games on weekends with my friends that increased in college and was not afraid to through drugs on top of it. Got in trouble a few times there because of it. Lived in a frat house for awhile but that was REAL bad for my drinking. Testosterone plus alcohol do not mix well, or at least should not be mixed. It was here where I found that my desire to drink exploded when stressed out (grades, girls, hungover, peer pressure, etc).
Welp ended up getting suspended for a semester and that was my first trip to AA even though it was short lived. I was too young for it right? Right? Besides all that, I did manage to graduate on time and stopped for a about a month until I got home to my longtime buddies. Started to work and went back to my crutch and drinking on the weekends to relax with my friends.
I managed to keep my drinking under my hat while I was determined to climb the corp ladder and find the american dream; as I was told would happen by EVERYONE. Work, climb the ladder, get promoted, make money, settle down, buy a house, 2 kids and dog, etc. Yea will life said SIKE, got some of those things but just mostly more bills and a bad drinking habit. 2008 hit went through a bad break up that took me years to forget all the while everyone around me got laid off and I got the pleasure of taking on multiple jobs and all on the same salary. Yay!
Did I mention my binge drinking now turned into daily drinking? At about this time I drinking heavily on the weekends with friends while also drinking at least a 12 pack a night after hitting the weights during weeknights. Did that for a few years, then I finally said I was going to get my american dream on the right track. Changed jobs, bought a house, paid some bills, etc. Started moderation management to get a few ABS days in. It helped but that desire would ROAR back after a couple abstinence days. Up regulation I guess they call it. Then the shit show started at my current job. Company was poorly managed from the top, ousted CEOs and execs (it was a revolving door) and the stock price plummeted and so did the bonuses and any semblance of a pay raise. Senior execs decided it was time to "right-size" the company. The rolling layoffs started. I again got the pleasure of wearing more hats with no raise. Probably should have gotten out a this point but I figured if I'm one of the lucky ones I'll take a long, long vacation. Didn't happen. My company eventually got bought out.
I'm still a few years back at this point. I tried MM with some success but after that shit show at work, I realized I wasn't going to be able to moderate on my own. I decided I would the pharmacological route, even if I don't believe in meds. Alcohol isn't a med right? It's my friend. Here is where I started the sinclair method on my own after weeks of research. It does work. I was finally able to go through a full week with/o alcohol and did not whitenuckle it the whole way but never got to to extinction. BTW, there were a few failed relationships in there too. I also started giving up going to bars at this point. Not an easy feat. I also decided that I need to restart my life, the american dream hasn't really worked for me so I came to the resolution I need a fresh start somewhere else. I thought it was time to go back to school (in a different country) to get my masters and maybe start a different career. Worked on getting my house fixed up to put on the market got into a new relationship. Things seemed to be on a better path, until they fell apart.
Relationship feel apart, house did not sell, got into problems financially, started to drink more. Well, this time the relapse wasn't as bad. Started doing more research and found out about supplements that help curb drinking. So at this point I ABS most of the week but I would let loose every other week or sometimes on the weekend but I would go WOT and drink from sun up to sun down. Plenty of days without alcohol, but it was a roller coaster. I also did hypnosis, which helped tremendously which made me think maybe I'm not alcohol dependent. IDK, all I know is alcohol is not my friend and I will probably never be a regular person when it comes to drinking. I also started having sleep problems. I guess I used to drink myself to sleep and since it's not there all the time I would go days without a peep of shut eye. I've attributed it to the damage I caused my brain over the years and its F horrible. You want to break someone or test their metal? Take away their sleep. Ended up at the psychologist office looking for help on the sleep issues, drinking problem be damned I NEEDED sleep.
Now we are a few months ago with me still on the roller coaster, I would go a week without wanting any or being able to fight the cravings to finally giving in. Back and forth. The drugs the psychologist gave me for sleep helped with the anxiety and apparently panic attacks I had in the middle of the night, for a while. I got lax, thinking I may finally be turning the corner. Still listening to the hypnosis tapes I had made for me and filling my body with what google said I would be lacking from drinking myself away in supplements. Still up and down. Then on one of my down phases I got into an accident, when I was drunk. Realized this is it, I need OFF. Before I make a trip to rehab and give myself to AA, I did more research and found MWO and said HOLY SHIT. I have done most of the things that the book by Roberta did on my own by myself. I can across this website several times but I thought it was just another blog like TSM blog. I only recently read the excerpt from the book. I didn't buy it yet though. I may at some point.
So here we are 5/20/18, talked to my shrink and gave myself up as guinea pig the other day which he was surprisingly chill with. He's been trying to get me on lexapro for depression for sometime on top of the sleep meds. I don't believe I have depression, but I do believe alcohol makes me depressed. If I can fix my reward system, maybe just maybe I can get off the roller coaster for good without relapse. Started Day 1 of doing my version of the MWO book last night. I've been doing the supplements for years because they are also used in recovery during weightlifting (surprised they could be used for this too), already have my own personal hypnosis tapes which I know help me personally (it's not cheap going to a hypnotist), and did my first 25 mgs of topamax last night. Stopped drinking Friday, which I know I could ABS for a little while with or w/o the additional drugs. Anyways, this is my back story of how I got here. Going to the noob section next to track progress since this site is technically my only support at the moment. Thought about pulling in a friend or ex-gf but those are twisted tales in of on their own.
Family:
Father and mother do not drink, never really have. BUT I have alcoholic family members on both sides who either still are drinking or have died because of it. On my father's side, I watched my favorite uncle drink himself into an early grave. I was there multiple times as he tried to detox and watched him get DTs, not realizing I would be close one day myself. I even picked him up from the ER after one of his trips, only to watch him fall back to drinking heavily. I of course, being a teenager, thought it was normal as I started my own forays into binge drinking with my friends on weekends. I also had another uncle (the brother of the one I just mentioned) have an accident and die due to him drinking heavily. He (I assume) must have had some type of anxiety issues. He hated being around too many people and was pretty shy. Alcohol was his escape. He drank so much canadian whiskey one night, he slipped and fell down a flight of stairs and ending up dying of a brain aneurysm a few weeks later. He was only a few years older than me. This side of my family is mestizo. Grandma is full native mexican (if that it can be described that way) / indian, Guamare indian to be exact. My grandfather was more spanish but he used to claim he was Tarasco. Maybe that is why I enjoy the fire water sooo FM.
Now my brother is also suffering from drinking heavily. He uses it as a crutch much like I have in the past.
On my mothers side, most of my uncles are heavy, heavy tequila drinkers. So much so, that any one of her 6 brothers can polish off a bottle or 2 of tequila a night by themselves. If we have any family parties, they are NEVER dry. No alcohol deaths there but pretty sure some are or have cirrhosis. Plenty of cousins that have gotten in trouble with the law because of alcohol.
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