I want to stop

[shock_7689]

Hi. I just thought I would share my story. I am in my early 40s, have been drinking since I was about 17. I am married with no kids, got laid off from my job awhile back. The last couple of years have been pretty rough for me I suppose. My father had a stroke and will never be the same again. My mother had a heart attack, but she is still with us. My wife, god bless her, has stuck with me though thick and thin, she has developed many health problems. Nearly died on me a few years ago. She does not drink, but used to have a serious drinking problem in her 20s. Over the past few months, I have gradually slipped back into my old ways of drinking, waking up drinking some days. I seemed to have developed some kind of depression that I believe has lead me to drink more and more. I simply have lost interest in everything in life and everything I used to enjoy, I don't know how or why it happened, but it happened gradually over the past couple of years. I was completely sober for 3 years (early 2015-early 2018), and swore I would never return back to my old ways of drinking all of my worries and problems away. But, in reality I was just a dry drunk I suppose. I know the solution is very simple, simply don't drink. Don't even think about it, but apparently I am not as strong as I used to be being able to resist the temptation. I am sitting here with a cup of coffee and my hands are shaking a little bit and sweating, dry heaving and throwing up here and there, having very minor visual hallucinations, and my whole body is tingling. My body and mind are screaming for a drink, but I don't want to give in. I'm not a liquor drinker (too many awful experiences), only beer, usually between 12 and 16 or more a day of the 5-6% stuff and I drink on an empty stomach everytime. I have been taking kratom for the past year also. It did help me curb my drinking temptation for awhile, but once it lost its punch and started to wreck havoc on my stomach I decided to stop taking it. It is a nasty habit. Then I started drinking more and more. I'm one of those ppl who will just swap one addiction out for another, but alcohol has always been my main poison. I thought about going back to AA, but I am just not good at speaking in large groups (anxiety). I do take klonopin for anxiety maybe once every 3 nights or so, but they don't seem to work anymore really and they are a nightmare to stop taking, but I try to tread lightly with those so I wont get seriously addicted to them. I mainly use them as a sleep aid more than anything. I believe the cause for my drinking is the depression I have developed, but I don't want to go on anti depressant meds really but I fear I might need to. I don't want to be a drunk. I am tired of waking up feeling terrible and saying to myself oh god, what stupid crap did I do this time like drunk texting people and acting like an immature prick if ive had a few too many, which is all most everytime now. Guilt, shame, remorse. I know it well. I fear if I continue to drink in this manner I will end up with some really bad health problems, I can feel it. I chain smoke when I drink, some days I will go through 3 packs in a day and those things are getting awfully expensive now. I really need to get back into the swing of things again. Right now my body is screaming for that drink. The cravings are back with a vengeance, and I have not had them for years until recently. My wife told me the other day that I needed to goto rehab, but I have no medical insurance and those places are expensive and don't always work. I have been through this before and know that there is no magic solution, I have to have the power within me to stop or it wont happen. I am angry with myself for slipping back into this cycle where my body is craving it, sometimes upon waking up which is not good. Ive gotten to the point where I can barely eat anything anymore without throwing up. At this point, I am not really sure if I need to ween down over a couple of days or simply stop. I have not had these kind of physical cravings in years. Please forgive my rambling, im having a hard time thinking straight. All I can think about is getting the next drink, and it is starting to really worry me. I actually thought I had this problem beat during the 3 years I was sober, but I guess once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Thanks for letting me vent.

[NoSugar]

Re: I want to stop

Welcome, Shock :welcome:!

It sounds like you might be to the point of wanting to stop more than you want to drink, which is a great start.

You are right that what you need to (not) do is simple: don't drink. But, that's not to say that it is easy for someone who is addicted. It takes commitment, support, and a plan.

You've come to a great place to get some help and support - you just need to be committed. The toolbox is full of good ideas and there are people at all stages of quitting posting in the Newbies Nest. Not everyone sees these independent threads so you might want to copy your story here: https://www.mywayout.org/community/j...nest-7691.html

You've done it before and you can do it again :smile:! All the best, NS

[paulywogg]

Re: I want to stop

Welcome to MWO Shock

[moon]

Re: I want to stop

Shock
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
4 days ago I chose to drink after over 30 days of not ingesting any alcohol.
The cravings and depression came back in full. I hope you can find your way back and make it work for you.

When it comes to depression, I find it a which came first, the chicken or the egg. Drinking a depressant to relieve the sadness of drinking...ugh.

I think you are taking the power away from this nasty substance by bringing it to light.

Let's do this!

[Slo]

Re: I want to stop

Dear Shock & moon, welcome to you both!

Thank you for sharing your story, [MENTION=24343]shock_7689[/MENTION]. It’s a familiar one; you’re not alone! I’m excited for you that you can quit this in your early 40s before any more damage is done. I hope that your previous experience with three years AF will be helpful practice for you in being able to do it again. It’s hard, as you know, but it gets much easier as time goes by.

[MENTION=24344]moon[/MENTION], that is so profoundly true about the chicken & egg interrelationship between depression & alcohol! That’s how it is for me too.
Also you didn’t totally lose your 30 days, and you experientially learned about how alcohol wasn’t the solution for your depression. Just pick up where you left off and keep going!

[NoSugar]

Re: I want to stop

How are you doing today, Shock? And welcome to you, [MENTION=24344]moon[/MENTION]! I hope you both stick around and get this done! You'll NEVER be sorry you didn't drink.

[NoSugar]

Re: I want to stop

I've got a question for you [MENTION=24344]moon[/MENTION] and [MENTION=24343]shock_7689[/MENTION]. How did you find MWO?? We used to have new people join us regularly but now the site rarely seems to pop up in internet searches, which is so unfortunate because lives can really be changed for the better here. Anyway, I'm glad you came across the site!

[shock_7689]

Re: I want to stop

Hi everyone. Thanks for all of your replies. I did end up going and getting just a 6 pack and nursed it for around 8 or 9 hours yesterday, after waiting several hours after waking up first, because I just couldn't take it anymore. I asked my wife not to get me anymore, even giving her my wallet just incase. It did manage to fend off much of the physical issues I was having (shaky hands, etc). I still feel pretty bad this morning, but not even half as bad as yesterday. No shaky hands, etc. I think I can stay sober today. I don't really advise anyone do this if you're really bad off, but I remember sometimes from the old days of drinking that I could ween down over a night or 2 and I would technically feel ok again after 3 days or so, from drinking related issues anyway. The problem is staying stopped. I would get to feeling better again, and then give in again and go through the same cycle all over again when something bugs me or boredom sets in. I don't want to go back to that living hell again. I have been terribly sick over the last couple weeks also, some kind of nasty virus I caught from my wife. Everyone in the house has it now. Its like the virus from helll, it just will not go away. Ive had it for nearly 2 weeks now. It's part of the reason why I woke up drinking for a few days because it was just so awful. Since about id say October, I was able to control my drinking. Completely able to stop at just 2 or 3 without much effort and I was able to do that for about 9 months or so. I received some pretty negative life changing news in mid October and I just full out went off the rails drinking again. I don't think I am that far gone (again) just yet, but I think ive reached a crossroads where I need get this under control now before I end up just like how I was before or worse.

Moon, I am sorry to hear that you slipped after a month. Just be thankful for every other sober day you had.

Slo, I believe you are absolutely correct that moon didn't totally lose the 30 days. Just one slip up, it happens. You just gotta move on.

[moon]

Re: I want to stop

I've got a question for you [MENTION=24344]moon[/MENTION] and [MENTION=24343]shock_7689[/MENTION]. How did you find MWO?? We used to have new people join us regularly but now the site rarely seems to pop up in internet searches, which is so unfortunate because lives can really be changed for the better here. Anyway, I'm glad you came across the site!

I used a search engine for "quit drinking forums" and landed at a site called quitalcohol.com. They had a link to this site.
I may have also included WQD in the search, as it also was listed. Unfortunately, WQD was closed some time ago, but through the magic of the interweb, I found my way here and I am so excited to be here.

The forum model seems to have lost favor for some. I find it to be a wonderful way to engage other people with similar goals and encourage others just starting out. Yes, I've been there and done that enough to know there is no magic formula to the perfect buzz. My days as an wayward alchemist taught me much. Any old "Q" members could verify my struggles.

But, today I am only looking forward. My path is clear, my lessons learned.

[moon]

Re: I want to stop

Hey Shock
Glad you checked in.
I was extremely worried on January 21. The amounts I was ingesting in the weeks leading up to that day were off the charts crazy. I feared the withdrawal would be a horrendous ordeal.

What I focused on was getting a little better each day and to my surprise my withdrawal was uncomfortable but bearable.

Don't be sorry about my poor decision to experiment. It gave me a crystal clear message about what I was throwing away and how much I want the freedom back. Yes, I went from so happy about myself to utter disappointment but lessons are like that sometimes.

onward!

[shock_7689]

Re: I want to stop

I've got a question for you [MENTION=24344]moon[/MENTION] and [MENTION=24343]shock_7689[/MENTION]. How did you find MWO?? We used to have new people join us regularly but now the site rarely seems to pop up in internet searches, which is so unfortunate because lives can really be changed for the better here. Anyway, I'm glad you came across the site!

through articles i was reading on qaura.

[Guitarista]

Re: I want to stop

All I can think about is getting the next drink, and it is starting to really worry me. I actually thought I had this problem beat during the 3 years I was sober, but I guess once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hi Shock. Welcome.

The obsession and cravings to alter our mental and emotional state will lessen more and more the longer we put between now and the last drink. For me the problem is my thinking, not drinking. I have had to learn how to live again. I've had to come to terms with past events, or current events that i don't like. There is some solid useful info around for times like these. Us humans have learnt a few things over the decades and centuries through trial and error.

Smart recovery, Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), 12 step programs (there is a solid code for living each day in the steps if one is lost in life), Buddhism (detachment - learning to let go of damaging useless thinking/thoughts). Online forums such as this one.

Go for it friend. You're worth it.

[shock_7689]

Re: I want to stop

Has anyone taken kratom before, for long periods of time and more then 30g a day (leaf powder)? I was on that stuff for over a year. I stopped maybe 2.5 weeks ago because it was making me throw up daily and reeking havoc on my stomach and it got the point it wasn't working anymore. That is another thing I am trying to stop. I will admit, for a time it did curb my thoughts of drinking alcohol completely and put me in a chipper mood most of the time, only drinking coffee and tea throughout the day most of the time, until it stopped working and I was just taking it to feel normal again. It was making me lazy and isolated. I tried to ween down off it pretty rapidly, over 9 days or so and then just stopped. It has been 2.5 weeks and I still feel terrible. That is another reason why I decided to really tie one on over the past couple weeks. I did not drink anything yesterday, a small victory, but I am still pretty sick. The main reason I decided to stop taking it was because I caught some terrible virus and I thought what better time to quit. I was going to feel down right terrible from the virus, so I figured that I probably wouldn't even notice any wd symptoms from the kratom. I am pretty sure I am over the virus now (mostly), but I can definitely feel the wd from the kratom now. Don't get me wrong, if taken in moderation it can be beneficial if only taken for a few months maybe. But, just like anything else if abused it will eventually take its toll.

[4theboyz]

Re: I want to stop

Hey there shock_7689 after reading your first 2 posts first I want to wish you all the best and as long as you keep trying you will find your way out of your addiction to alcohol. In your 2 posts you itemize many moments in your life that you list as substantial enough to justify a drink. The bad news is this part of life will never ever change and until you change your behaviors and approach to life on life's terms you will continue to step in these bear traps of life and find yourself reaching for beer to cope with these moments. The good news is you can find ways to cope with life's un-fun stressful moments without the crutch of booze or meds.

Incidentally just moments ago I noticed I have been a member here since Feb 2008 with a dozen day 1's at least and just over the weekend I celebrated 6 months sober. Why was this time different you ask? It may be too early to truly define what all was what made that difference in me being able to be sober for once but what I can share is what I did and have been doing different this time out. In the past I proved that I could string together many months of sobriety but for what ever reason I would find justification to have just one drink and in short order I was back at it. Each time my drinking escalated both in frequency and intensity. This last go-around was very bad for me physically and mentally and the toll on my mind and body was quite severe so in essence I really had to stop drinking or die. BUT! I did some very serious soul searching and asked myself why am I drinking so often and so much? The obvious answer was I was self-medicating and pretty much a no brainer there. What I didn't yet understand was why? I looked and looked and somehow someway I noticed one thing I had not explored and that was my anxiety. Drilling deeper I found correlations between anxiety, stress and addictions. Further self reflection I drew a potential connection between PTSD and my anxiety and need to drink/self-medicate. Long story short I feel I hit the nail on the head and went at becoming sober with both guns blazing. I enrolled in an outpatient addiction program and sought out a therapist who specialized in PTSD. Again the short version he had me review some God awful moments in my life and through focused techniques primarily EMDR which focuses on me using bi-lateral stimulation techniques to help me navigate my way through my stressors of my day. So far so good and I must say worked like a charm. Why this worked so well for me is it allows me to disarm my anxiety without meds when the moments demands I chill out. This also greatly I mean GREATLY decreased my desire to turn to booze and I will say without going down this road I question whether I would have made my 202 days sober so far. Also you will have to get very selfish with your recovery and sobriety and literally turn your back on people places and things that in anyway associated with your drinking. This is only necessary for the short haul and you can later ease your way back into the everyday activities. I wrote my own 12 steps which others in my outpatient program really responded quite positively to and I will share in my next post here. In the meantime...give this your all, don't cut corners and don't stop trying.

[4theboyz]

Re: I want to stop

Foot note to my reply above...you do not have to have been to war to have PTSD and this comment in no way is meant to diminish the horrors of war our soldiers endured but open the door to discussions of trauma every human has the opportunity to experience that may someday demand therapeutic interventions. Here are my 12 steps I feel were paramount to me achieving over 6 months sobriety so far.

12 STEPS TO SOBRIETY AND ADDICTION RECOVERY


1) Seek Help
-Talk with your doctor and or health professional about quitting your addiction.
2) Get rid of it! ALL of it!
-All your preferred substance(s) and any and all substances that could substitute for the addictive substance. (Including over-the-counter and pet medications)
3) Do it for you!
-DO NOT quit just because someone tells you to…you MUST own this new chapter in your life and create an unwavering commitment to quitting for good.
4) Have Support
-A rock solid team of people you trust to support your recovery is crucial.
5) Avoid People, Places and Things that have are directly connected to your addiction.
-You must remove yourself from anything and anyone that could challenge your sobriety.
6) Exercise everyday.
-Cardio, yoga, Gym, go for a walk, bike, swim and stretching is wonderful.
7) Take it SLOW!!
-Slow down! Rushing through your day only invites anxiety. Do your tasks slowly and do them well. Slowing down invites calmness you so desperately need right now.
8) Just say NO!
-Not just to your drug(s) of choice but also to obligations and demands that could overwhelm you especially in the early days of recovery.
8) Learn to Substitute
-Almost everything and anything that was associated with your addiction can be substituted with healthier choices and positive thoughts.
9) Alone Time
-This step is very important. Take time to chill out and relax. Meditate and learn to manage your thoughts and emotions while spending some time by yourself.
10) Pamper Yourself.
-Hot Baths, Lotions and oils, new clothes and good grooming. Try a new cologne or perfume.
11) Hobbies
-Resume old hobbies and activities or even better try some new ones.
12) Go to meetings
-Group meetings, AA, one-on-ones with Therapist, clergy or trusted friends will be paramount to help you navigate the turbulent early days of recovery and also help in maintaining your sobriety in the long run.