Everyone thinks I've stopped drinking but I haven't. My wife has told me she will throw me out if I ever drink again (happened before) yet I still take the risk. Yesterday we had planned to stay the night at Grandma's with the kids. My mum (gran) lives 2 minutes away in the car. As soon as she told me all I could think of was how I could blag my way out of going, to have the house to myself to drink. It happened somehow (it always does) and I am scared. I did like I say when I get the opportunity, less than 10 times a year. I'm scared how helpless I am to the call of alcohol. I was sat there yesterday all day trying to reason with myself, finding reasons not to do it but in the end it won. I didn't finish the bottle though. If I'm honest things are crap at home without the drink anyway. I'm terrified of having to leave my family (other issues) and then not being strong enough to stay sober. It happened before and I almost gave in. My wife said I could move back if I promised not drink again. The thought of being without my kids was enough then. Now though.....i love them so so much but I feel like I can't get close enough. It's a struggle everyday. I feel like they would be happier if I left but I know AL's there, waiting for me. Sorry if I'm not making any sense. I've been a member of MWO since 2014 when things were really but never posted. It's been years but now I feel I need help more than ever.
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Re: Living a lie
Bless you...I was exactly the same...the mixed joy of a 'free house'..no one to hide my drinking from.
But as my drinking progressed it was harder to hide..I lost the knowledge of my limits...(how much for a buzz? 3 drinks? How much for a lovely wanting to sing drunk? 6 drinks?) In the end 3 drinks could almost make me blackout and 10 wouldn't even give me the buzz..but I still wanted it..not more than my family..but I wanted both ..and why shouldn't I?
It took a (relatively short) while of sobriety to look back at that way of thinking with horror..and yes I could have come very close to losing my family. In fact they told me it would have been easier if I just drank all the time then they knew where they stood. I too was an occasional binge drinker at the end..sober for many weeks or even months between binges..but they were devastated as each time I was sober for a while they thought that was it.
Stick around...try the newbies nest and also the Army thread..we've all been through some version of what you're going through...plenty of support around.
I'll be looking out for you!Contentedly sober since 27/12/2011
contentedly NF since 8/04/14
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Re: Living a lie
Thank you Molly. I guess that's the way I've been thinking too, why can't I have a drink?, if they don't know it can't hurt them. But it's not even as fun as it used to be. Like you said, it's weird, 3 can get me hammered one day but another time a bottle later and I'm still sober. Why do we do it though?. Madness it really is. I can go months of not drinking, telling myself I'm finally fully alcohol free, but then I get the house to myself and that's it, like it's my birthday or something. I have to stop for real or stop lying. How can I be a good person if I can lie to my loved ones the way I do.Comment
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Re: Living a lie
I'm sorry your dealing with this, and it's really a shame your family isn't more supportive in trying to help you, instead of giving you ultimatums. I felt like I was living a lie for many years as well, I never told anyone (except my brother) about my drinking. I even spent some months at my mom's house, drinking one beer openly (and secretly drinking a about 6-7 drinks worth of whiskey at the same time) ever night. I finally told family and close friends in the last week or two, and at least I'm blessed to have the friends/family that I do, they have been nothing but super supportive and kind. It's something I've been dreading for years but it actually feels like a giant weight lifted off my shoulder. It would be nice if everyone could get that sort of response, I think using ultimatums and fear is only going to be more likely to push people back to the bottle.Comment
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Re: Living a lie
Hi Mulburry, I appreciate what you said about support but honestly I feel that fear of being kicked out is the only thing keeping me from drinking like I used to. Its not nice and some days I do wish I could tell my wife but then what?. What can anyone do?. I need to fight this for good.Comment
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Re: Living a lie
Ya that makes sense, if it works for you then all the better... I hope you don't actually get kicked out though; at least from my experience being on your own and struggling emotionally is a recipe for disaster (drinking-wise).Comment
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Re: Living a lie
Hey! Your back is against the wall and it's not just your wife that is your problem, alcohol obviously is but so is your marriage, your kids, and your health all are suffering and in time you will lose all of it. Not sure how your life will be without the kids or the wife and by then your health will have you in really dire straights. I was you, I know what is happening and will happen and you simply have to throw up the white flag and surrender and ask for help. When the wife starts drawing red lines in the sand IMHO you are past simply going to AA to appease her expectations this is gut check time where you will do something to quit or lay down and let the addiction win. It sucks at first to never drink ever again but there are so many positives and bright spots to sobriety I know you will like me wonder why you ever drank in the first place. Your choice.Comment
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