I just realized I'd never posted my original story on how I got to this point so thought I'd share. If it can help prevent one person from going down the same road and ending in the hell that I ended up in, it will be worth it. If you can identify with where I was at in my 20's in terms of drinking, be careful cause it can sneak up on you, it's easy to delude yourself into thinking of have control and eventually it has total power over you. (I wrote this a couple weeks before I started the detox).
"This isn't something I've been advertising and it's difficult to talk about; when you pretend like everything is fine for so long (when it isn't) it just becomes second nature. It's tough too cause it feels like I've been dishonest with everyone for so long.
I'm not even sure exactly how I got here; it's been a long process over many years, but in my early 30's I became a nightly drinker (note: I'd been a binge drinker and semi regular drinker since my early 20's and even had occasional bouts of every night drinking in that time)... weeks turned into months and months turned into years. I guess I always thought I could deal with this on my own (by just cutting down slowly) but by the time I made a serious effort it was too late. It's gotten worse and worse over the years to the point that even drinking more than normal, or cutting down by miniscule amounts brings on withdrawal symptoms (feeling anxious, edgy, irritable, restless etc.). It kind of feels like I'm stuck in a nightmare sometimes; lately it's pretty much consuming me, sometimes it seems like it's all I think about.
I've tried to cut down numerous times but it's been exceedingly difficult. I made the most concerted / determined effort ever in my life a little over a year ago (pandemic spring) but trying to cut down was barely manageable even at incredibly small amounts per week (think 2 ounces total over 3 months, some of which I lost again in the summer). The mental toll can also easily lead you to snap and over-drink creating a setback. Sometimes it kind of feels like you're caught in a snare, where the more you struggle to get out the more it tightens it's grip. It's crazy how much effect / control this thing has over your brain eventually; I don't think anyone could really believe or understand it unless they're experiencing it themselves.
Aside from dealing with some family issues my main goal of the last year was not to catch covid (given how much this shit has effected my immune system I was pretty sure I was in a very high risk category), but addressing it was one of my main post-covid goals... then I got sick. My doctor seemed to think that my illness was directly caused by my liver (though I'm not entirely convinced) but either way, blood tests and eventually an ultra sound indicated that my liver was in pretty rough shape (not irreversible, but not sustainable either) along with some kidney damage for good measure.
I've been seeking professional medical help and I've gotten a couple referrals from my family doctor so far but they've been pretty fruitless (I had been hoping an expert might have some ideas for a novel approaches but it just seems like the same standard fare). Anyways, it seems like I've been going around in circles, and at this point my doctor keeps advocating for the (outpatient) detox approach; given my brain's level of adaptation it seems like I'll be entering a world of pain (even with medication), especially the potential long term after effects; but I guess I have to try it. I'm really not sure if I'm going to make it through this but if I do it will be a long slow grueling process. It's either that or slow suicide via alcohol poisoning, which to be frank, sometimes seems like the more appealing option... but I'd also like to live a while longer, ya know."
"This isn't something I've been advertising and it's difficult to talk about; when you pretend like everything is fine for so long (when it isn't) it just becomes second nature. It's tough too cause it feels like I've been dishonest with everyone for so long.
I'm not even sure exactly how I got here; it's been a long process over many years, but in my early 30's I became a nightly drinker (note: I'd been a binge drinker and semi regular drinker since my early 20's and even had occasional bouts of every night drinking in that time)... weeks turned into months and months turned into years. I guess I always thought I could deal with this on my own (by just cutting down slowly) but by the time I made a serious effort it was too late. It's gotten worse and worse over the years to the point that even drinking more than normal, or cutting down by miniscule amounts brings on withdrawal symptoms (feeling anxious, edgy, irritable, restless etc.). It kind of feels like I'm stuck in a nightmare sometimes; lately it's pretty much consuming me, sometimes it seems like it's all I think about.
I've tried to cut down numerous times but it's been exceedingly difficult. I made the most concerted / determined effort ever in my life a little over a year ago (pandemic spring) but trying to cut down was barely manageable even at incredibly small amounts per week (think 2 ounces total over 3 months, some of which I lost again in the summer). The mental toll can also easily lead you to snap and over-drink creating a setback. Sometimes it kind of feels like you're caught in a snare, where the more you struggle to get out the more it tightens it's grip. It's crazy how much effect / control this thing has over your brain eventually; I don't think anyone could really believe or understand it unless they're experiencing it themselves.
Aside from dealing with some family issues my main goal of the last year was not to catch covid (given how much this shit has effected my immune system I was pretty sure I was in a very high risk category), but addressing it was one of my main post-covid goals... then I got sick. My doctor seemed to think that my illness was directly caused by my liver (though I'm not entirely convinced) but either way, blood tests and eventually an ultra sound indicated that my liver was in pretty rough shape (not irreversible, but not sustainable either) along with some kidney damage for good measure.
I've been seeking professional medical help and I've gotten a couple referrals from my family doctor so far but they've been pretty fruitless (I had been hoping an expert might have some ideas for a novel approaches but it just seems like the same standard fare). Anyways, it seems like I've been going around in circles, and at this point my doctor keeps advocating for the (outpatient) detox approach; given my brain's level of adaptation it seems like I'll be entering a world of pain (even with medication), especially the potential long term after effects; but I guess I have to try it. I'm really not sure if I'm going to make it through this but if I do it will be a long slow grueling process. It's either that or slow suicide via alcohol poisoning, which to be frank, sometimes seems like the more appealing option... but I'd also like to live a while longer, ya know."
Comment