Heartsick

[ticket2ride]

I have been dating "R" for six months. When we first met he was very open about the fact that he had had two DUI arrests, had spent weekends in jail for the second one, and had almost lost his job because of it. He seemed to have done alot of self-exaimination and had the problem under control. But as we became closer, I realized he didn't have it under control at all. At first we would drink together socially and he would keep it under control, but gradually, the times he got blind drunk became more frequent. After one such night I put my foot down and insisted that he deal with the drinking problem or I wouldn't see him any more. He agreed to stop drinking. That lasted two months, although I suspect he was still drinking some when I wasn't around. I smelled it on him several times but when I asked him he denied it. Well, a week ago he decided he wasn't happy without alcohol and asked me to trust him to control it. That lasted three days. When I tried to talk to him about it, he brought up all the little things I don't do for him - everything from not returning text messages quickly enough to not initiating sex enough! I know the blaming is typical alcoholic behavior but I feel awful anyway. Can' sleep - so I'm up at 2 am looking for other people in similar situations. I know my solution is easy - I can walk away. Why don't I?

[boycie]

Heartsick

Hi there, sounds to me like you might just care about this person that is why you don't walk away. From somebody with a drinking problem that has had the love of their life walk away, good on you for not walking away and for getting information to understand this disease and how it manipulates the person it has hold of. In saying that the only person that can change the one you care about IS the one you care about. They have to make a consious decidion to want to change and before that happens alot of collatoral damage can be done in the meantime. Look after you first and foremost as without preserving you you can't support anybody else. Everybody on this forum is here to support you both. They are all remarkable people, draw on that strength. I wish you well in your repective journey's. Kim

[ticket2ride]

Heartsick

Thanks for writing

Hi Kim
Thanks for writing. I am sorry that the love of your life could not hang in with you. That must have been very hard. The man in my life says I am the love of his life and that he'll do whatever it takes to save our relationship. Unfortunately, he was drinking when he said it! I don't know what to think. He said he was sober for two months (I want to believe him, but I'm really not sure). During those two months he became somewhat distant and withdrawn. Our sex life was, well, not at all what it had been. I did feel rejected and told him so. He said he was just dead tired all the time. I thought it was an excuse. Now I know (from going to an Al-Anon meeting) that extreme fatigue can be a side-effect of alcohol withdrawal but I didn't know that at the time. He says he started drinking again because he could not express himself when he was sober and felt it was driving us apart. He said he could drink in moderation and wouldn't get drunk. Well, that was okay for about three days, then he got really drunk and I stormed out on what was supposed to have been a romantic night. I now wonder if I really do share some responsibility in this because of the pressures of the relationship. I don't know...I have resisted his attempts at blame, but I can see where he would feel pressured because of the way I was feeling.

I really don't think I can continue this. He says he'll do whatever it takes but if he can't get sober and stay sober for himself, it just isn't going to work. I don't even know if I can handle all the attention and time I seem to need to put into this relationship. It is dragging me down. I can't sleep, am chain smoking, and am distracted and thinking about all this no matter what I'm doing. I just feel this constant weight, this constant nagging feeling that I am neglecting him if I am focused on anything BUT him. He says I spend too much time with my daughter (grown and married), with my friends (usually talking about how to deal with him, and even at my job. He says when I don't answer his text messages when I'm working that he feels lonely. He says he doesn't say these things to put pressure on me, but what else CAN I think? Yes, I do care about him. At one time, I thought he was the person I would spend the rest of my life with. Now I don't know if this is a life that I want.

I guess I'm just venting here, but anyway, thanks for listening.

[Flip]

Heartsick

Sweetie, get yourself to an Al-anon or CoDA meeting ASAP they will help you understand what's happening.

For background reading, look on the net under 'codependence'

f.

[ticket2ride]

Heartsick

Later!!!

Yeah - codependency. Hard to do if there's no one to co-depend on! Decided to break it off - too much blaming and not enough self-examination. This is a complicated disease- I feel for those who hang in there. Good luck to all!:thanks:

[boycie]

Heartsick

ticket, good luck babe we are here anytime if you need, drop us a line. KIMBO

[InnerStrength]

Heartsick

Best of luck, Ticket. Feel free to 'drop' in anytime and let us know how you are doing.
Jen

[Flip]

Heartsick

Good call Ticket. Stay strong.

[YoungAtHeart]

Heartsick

You've likely spared yourself a lot of misery, Ticket. Good luck to you.