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I am 42 and just became aware of two alcoholics on opposite sides of my family. I am just beginning to learn about the disease and its effects on families.
First, my mom-in-law (82 years old) is "addicted" to her alcoholic 60-year-old son. He is on his fourth marriage and has lived with her off and on as an adult (between marriages). He was able to convince her to give him power of attorney, put her car in his name, and put her home and life savings in Joint accounts with him. He's very smooth and persuasive, when it suits him. Now that her house has sold and he kept the money, he won't speak to her AT ALL. In the past, he's gotten angry and given her the Silent Treatment for weeks at a time. It's different now. He's only spoken to her once in six months. She learned from a third party that her home sold (she lives with us now). She manages on her Social Security pretty well but she could someday need her savings. Plus, the longer it's in his possession the more likely it is to disappear. He's worked himself to the bottom of the ladder professionally and his wife is retired, yet they take 3-4 vacations a year and just bought a brand new $20,000 truck. I've tried to get mom-in-law to Al-Anon but she says she can't hear anything (bought her great hearing aids that seem to work everywhere else, hmmm). She, by the way, is the daughter of an alcoholic and her first husband (his father) drank himself to death in his early 30s.
Enter my sister. When mom-in-law moved in with us this summer, my sister came to visit and help get my old house ready to sell and my new house ready to live in. Her husband would call every 20-30 minutes to talk to her. One night when I had left my cell phone at the wrong house, he flipped out when he couldn't reach her by phone. Left threatening messages on my cell phone, congratulating me for convincing her to abandon her children (who are grown). I didn't even know they were having marital problems. She never told me he was an alcoholic until the phone messages came. He's apparently been drinking daily for over 20 years, mostly beer, but gets really abusive when he's drinks the hard stuff. I had not seen her in about two months and picked her up on Christmas day to go to lunch with family. He was invited but chose to stay home. While we were gone from 2 until 7 pm, he drank himself into such a state of anger and depression that he piled all of her clothes in the kitchen floor and took down all her family photos throughout the house. He's called my two brothers and told them I convinced her to leave her family -- we only went to a Christmas dinner and he was invited. I have never intefered with her marriage and my only advice was to get herself to an AlAnon meeting, a suggestion I made several months ago but didn't press when she failed to take the initiative. I've loaned her money and so has my dad, my brother, my sisters, and don't know who else. I am certain that I have helped to enable his disease to progress since apparently some of the money I've given has gone toward making sure his truck isn't repossessed and keeping his lights, cable, etc. all turned on. On Christmas day, I left my cell in the car during family dinner. There were eight messages - increasingly threatening. He said she was "dead meat" and that "she would pay." For spending part of Christmas day with her family! But in his twisted mind, that's not where she was.
As far as my mom in law goes, I think that my husband and I have an obligation to try to fight to get some of her money back - for her benefit, not ours. Still, a court battle with us versus her number one son would probably cause her great distress. This is a case of elderly abuse but helping her financially might cause her great pain.
As far as my sister goes, she says her A husband would never hit her or cause bodily harm, that the threats are just the alcohol talking but he would not act on them. I played the message for my husband and for a close friend. Then I transcribed it and had both sign that they heard exactly those words "dead meat' and "she would pay." I can only save the message for two weeks, so I involved witnesses in case I need proof that he said those things. Should I go to the police? I think that my sister should go to the police, but she either doesn't fear him or has lost the will/desire to protect herself.
Both of these A men deny that they have a drinking problem. Both blame others for anything and everything that goes wrong. Both seem to have a sense of entitlement that is beyond my comprehension.
Is there anything I can do?
I am 42 and just became aware of two alcoholics on opposite sides of my family. I am just beginning to learn about the disease and its effects on families.
First, my mom-in-law (82 years old) is "addicted" to her alcoholic 60-year-old son. He is on his fourth marriage and has lived with her off and on as an adult (between marriages). He was able to convince her to give him power of attorney, put her car in his name, and put her home and life savings in Joint accounts with him. He's very smooth and persuasive, when it suits him. Now that her house has sold and he kept the money, he won't speak to her AT ALL. In the past, he's gotten angry and given her the Silent Treatment for weeks at a time. It's different now. He's only spoken to her once in six months. She learned from a third party that her home sold (she lives with us now). She manages on her Social Security pretty well but she could someday need her savings. Plus, the longer it's in his possession the more likely it is to disappear. He's worked himself to the bottom of the ladder professionally and his wife is retired, yet they take 3-4 vacations a year and just bought a brand new $20,000 truck. I've tried to get mom-in-law to Al-Anon but she says she can't hear anything (bought her great hearing aids that seem to work everywhere else, hmmm). She, by the way, is the daughter of an alcoholic and her first husband (his father) drank himself to death in his early 30s.
Enter my sister. When mom-in-law moved in with us this summer, my sister came to visit and help get my old house ready to sell and my new house ready to live in. Her husband would call every 20-30 minutes to talk to her. One night when I had left my cell phone at the wrong house, he flipped out when he couldn't reach her by phone. Left threatening messages on my cell phone, congratulating me for convincing her to abandon her children (who are grown). I didn't even know they were having marital problems. She never told me he was an alcoholic until the phone messages came. He's apparently been drinking daily for over 20 years, mostly beer, but gets really abusive when he's drinks the hard stuff. I had not seen her in about two months and picked her up on Christmas day to go to lunch with family. He was invited but chose to stay home. While we were gone from 2 until 7 pm, he drank himself into such a state of anger and depression that he piled all of her clothes in the kitchen floor and took down all her family photos throughout the house. He's called my two brothers and told them I convinced her to leave her family -- we only went to a Christmas dinner and he was invited. I have never intefered with her marriage and my only advice was to get herself to an AlAnon meeting, a suggestion I made several months ago but didn't press when she failed to take the initiative. I've loaned her money and so has my dad, my brother, my sisters, and don't know who else. I am certain that I have helped to enable his disease to progress since apparently some of the money I've given has gone toward making sure his truck isn't repossessed and keeping his lights, cable, etc. all turned on. On Christmas day, I left my cell in the car during family dinner. There were eight messages - increasingly threatening. He said she was "dead meat" and that "she would pay." For spending part of Christmas day with her family! But in his twisted mind, that's not where she was.
As far as my mom in law goes, I think that my husband and I have an obligation to try to fight to get some of her money back - for her benefit, not ours. Still, a court battle with us versus her number one son would probably cause her great distress. This is a case of elderly abuse but helping her financially might cause her great pain.
As far as my sister goes, she says her A husband would never hit her or cause bodily harm, that the threats are just the alcohol talking but he would not act on them. I played the message for my husband and for a close friend. Then I transcribed it and had both sign that they heard exactly those words "dead meat' and "she would pay." I can only save the message for two weeks, so I involved witnesses in case I need proof that he said those things. Should I go to the police? I think that my sister should go to the police, but she either doesn't fear him or has lost the will/desire to protect herself.
Both of these A men deny that they have a drinking problem. Both blame others for anything and everything that goes wrong. Both seem to have a sense of entitlement that is beyond my comprehension.
Is there anything I can do?
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