Suggestions for helping my daughter...

[lookingforhope]

I would start this off with, "I'm ashamed" that she watched me drink night after night, and take responsiblity for my actions affecting her. But I am not going backwards, what is done is done.

How can I help her. I am just now helping myself.

She is 19 years old, lost her father to a brain tumor when she was 11. Watched him slowly die for three years, so alot of traumatic pain. (one of the reason my drinking picked up also). She started having terrible anxiety attacks, finally treated. She is now on her own. I'm fortunate she is being honest with me. She is drinking every night, and on Xanax for the anxiety; so she is blacking out. She told me she is an alcoholic. She is partying and enjoying it and from what I can tell is not concerned at all about it, even while blacking other, other than the next day regret.

Now I truly am experiencing the helplessness family members feel when their loved one is an alcoholic.

Any suggestions for helping her?

[JBDevon]

Suggestions for helping my daughter...

Hi. I am going through the same thing with my daughter. My daughter is 18 next Thursday and seems to now think because of my behaviour duing her life that it is acceptable to drink everyday. She is also i suspect smoking pot. I feel helpless. I have talked to her but i feel she has no respect for what i ave to say. My daughter also suffers from anxiety which keeps her awake at night. I know only recently however understand how my family now feel about me. Its awful. I think all we can do is carry on trying to be AF and hope they see that life is great without it. Seeing my Daughter doing it i hope will give me the strength to not have a drop.

[Suzanna]

Suggestions for helping my daughter...

Sometimes teenage girls will respond more if they realize it will affect their appearance rather than any health concerns. I would look into finding some reading materials to give to them. Sorry I know it is painful to watch and I just wanted to lend support. :h Suz

[Thankful]

Suggestions for helping my daughter...

Any chance of getting these girls to view this site? Tell them they don't have to join, simply that you would like them to just spend a few minutes reading a few posts from people who been there/did that.

If you can't get them to log on - maybe print posts that you think might really touch them in a way. Unfortunately we all know the hard way, that no one can make someone else go AF or Mod if their heart is not in it. We didn't until we were ready.

I wish you and your families the very best. I'm so sorry that it has to add extra stress on top of what you both are going through.

Love, Me
:l

[trixietrack]

Suggestions for helping my daughter...

from reading this, I think like you said thankful, it would be nice to have an area in this sight for young adults. The people who are beginning to be destructive but don't feel that it is a problem.

sometimes teens and people in their early 20's have a lot of trouble accepting advice from their parents, they are in a process of gaining their independence, but are still dependent that makes it difficult to communicate.

Trix

[Gumby]

Suggestions for helping my daughter...

I must admit the Xanax is the one that concerned me when I read your post. It is a highly addictive drug, and makes alcohol twice as potent, as the liver is working over time trying to metabolize the Xanax, aka benzodiazapine. My sister has had a horrible time trying to kick that addiction...I mean horrible. People get put on Xanax for various reasons but typically for help with "short term anxiety issues" this is where the addiction begins and the combination of the 2 only potentiates the efficacy of the drug and alcohol. I don't mean to scare you, but I felt I needed to respond. Xanax is a controlled substance, but there are always ways of obtaining it. I know this must be frustrating for you as our children reach a age of "independence" but if she is getting the Xanax from her Doc., I would mention your concerns to Him or Her. I am well aware of the confidentiality issues behind this...but it doesn't hurt to mention it. Iam sure you have talked to your daughter but I would emphasize the addiction risks with her. I am one who teaches by worse case scenario, typical nurse. Let her know where the road she is on leads to......pictures, scenarios, etc.... I wish you good luck. I have 3 girls myself, 2 teenage and one 5. I can only imagine how hard this is for you the teen years have presented me with the biggest life challenges yet...AGGHH, I was warned but I didn't believe it, now I am living it. Again good luck,

[JIGGER]

Suggestions for helping my daughter...

Gumby,

I agree wholeheartedly. I have one teenage daugter. I was warned too - I had absolutely no idea - none!! Somedays are great and most others are NOT!!!

[lookingforhope]

Suggestions for helping my daughter...

JB, my daughter used to also smoke pot, but due to the anxiety she quit. Sorry to hear you are having the same problems, but maybe we can stick through this together to help our daughters.

All of your suggestions are excellent...THANK YOU!!! She is worried about her appearance, maybe I can slowly work it that way. And would also like her to look on this board to see the comments and responses. Have been talking to her alot, she is tuning me out.

Gumby, the Xanax and the alcohol...definately. She does have exteme anxiety and the xanax has helped her with that, but she cannot do it while she is drinking! She even acknowledges this is the cause for the blackouts and/or overreaction to the booze. A think a place here for the younger generation is a great idea. I think many out there know they have a problem, but are not yet old enough to realize the danger. And more than anything, the danger if they do not stop.

Thank you everyone for your comments so far....have already printed off material. DB, would like to know how your daughter is doing. Like you, my dd has opened my eyes to not make we want to drink again.

Take care everyone...

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Suggestions for helping my daughter...

looking

I have an 18 year old daughter...Thankfully (?) she is a total straight arrow...I think I have scared her to try anything...

Anyway, I read your post and thought this: Wow, your daughter is sharing this with you??? She is telling you she is blacking out??? Hey, not what you want to hear, but still, that is huge. She is opening up to you....That means she is LOOKING for your advice, and wisdom. I would say, without judgement, use the opportunity to talk to her, and tell her your concerns...and maybe even use your own issues to keep the conversation open.

I am sorry she is struggling, but you are very fortunate to have her opening her heart to you!!! You must have done alot right

Beth

[maasai]

Suggestions for helping my daughter...

thanks everyone for posting on this it has just made me rememberalot about myself when was 16, i was drinking honestly covering alot of what i never wanted to see, i was looking for company, something always to occupy my mind, joined friends who are ever drinking never those who dont drink, LFH,try to find away your daughter can open up more, and if you manage you will be amazed what you will find

[anxious]

Suggestions for helping my daughter...

I am right there with you guys that have the kids that are thinking its ok. My 18 yo girl just got a dui and pot plus ectasy. I feel so horrible she has a felony at 18. My son also drank very alcoholically for a while but at 21 he's doing better. I hate that my husband and I passed these genes on to them. I wish I could have life a do over sometimes.

Good luck to all

[Fresh Hope]

Suggestions for helping my daughter...

ME TOO, my teenage daughter has black outs, drinks da

ME too, my teenage daughter has black outs, drinks daily and admits that she is an alcoholic...she begged for help after she was injured in a fight and was still drunk the next day, with a broken jaw. We got her into detox the next day and she was there for 5 days, that was 12 weeks ago and she has had only 4 drinking episodes since then, but smokes a lot of pot. She seems to tell us everything or most of it...when she lies or omits we always find out so she has started to answer our questions and be fairly honest, I think.

She knows that after the second drink she is hooked and she knows she blacks out and ends up places she can?t remember going to etc.

She is seeing a counselor she likes, after a few that she didn?t, and says she wants to stop drinking, but I think she is substituting AL with weed.

She has no sense of responsibility, expects us to pay for everything and we do, but no extras, no spending money or rides to anything other than Doctor or job... if she kept one...... she gets all the basic clothes and shoes but no superfluous item and if she demands a designer pair of boots we say no and she goes out in sneakers, in the snow... we give her bus tickets, no cash. She has no job and quit school.

We are so afraid that she will relapse, more than she has, we don?t say too much except that she has to contribute. We give her no money but she always has cigs and places to go...too many wealthy friends that pay her way....and she does steal even though we keep our wallets with us most of the time.

She has seen me drink daily for 5 years, I hardly drank before that, I never get ?drunk? and always stop after less than a bottle of wine...sometimes more... but her drinking has made me moderate to 1 beer a night or AF every other day and nothing like my past consumption. I feel so guilty that I have modeled daily drinking, but her Father has not had AL since she was born so she did have mostly non-drinking parents except for the past 5 years.

Lots of alcoholics in her genes going way back....but she does tell us stuff and for that I am very grateful and hopeful. ...I think part of her wants to shock us and she does.

Now if I just knew how long to go easy on her doing nothing and when to insist she work pay some room and board etc.

Theoretically I have no problem saying work, contribute or go to school or.... get out but I am so scared of what I will push her into. I just keep thinking that if I wait endure, help etc. she will mature enough to see what she is doing.

Good luck to all of you with young adults that cannot drink responsibly... my heart breaks for all of us and how impotent we are when all we want to do is help them.
FH