:new:
I love my husband very much. He has been a daily drinker for decades, prior to me. He is aware that he has a fatty liver and 6 months ago was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. We are both alcoholics, though he is more entrenched than I.
Prior to his recent diagnosis, we had been discussing the concept of moderating our drinking ? mostly at my instigation. I had become disgusted with the waste of our lives, our slug-like behaviors, the neglect that took place in our lives due to our constant drinking.
So, when the Dr told him he would die horribly, develop man tits, turn yellow, get a distended stomach, it scared him enough to stop ? cold turkey. And I chose to stop with him ? both to support him and to gain control back from my/our life.
Though a difficult, angry beginning (for him), we actually (both of us I thought), grew to NOT need the daily drink, to enjoy NOT being impaired, and became more productive with our time. There were times I felt out of place ? at parties and such? but those times were minimal.
Well, the fear has worn off now, 3 months later. Initially it was ?because? his daughter (20yr ? long distance away), tried to hurt herself and was sent to a Pysch Ward for crisis intervention. Yes, a horrible, upsetting, emotional disturbance, but also an excuse.
Since then, he has rapidly escalated back to his daily after work drinking habits ? which, by the way, include lying about it, the money, minimizing it, being defensive about it etc. The lying upsets me more than the drinking.
I have told him that I don?t like him when he?s drinking and I am not? that we?re not on the same page, that stupid things come out of his mouth. No, he is not abusive or an angry drunk? more needy and clingy and insecure.
I, knowingly, stupidly, in a retaliation mind-set, have begun to drink at home, after work now too. Knowingly the wrong choice. And do so angrily, riddled with resentment.
I expect the daily lies now? or omissions ? which equate to the same thing for me. This from the man that tells me the blow by blows of his life ? except for that conspicuous multi-hour time period after work before coming home. I have told him that his lying to me is damaging the very foundation of our relationship. He has no need to lie. If he chooses to drink ? then that is his choice. He does not need to lie about who and what he is. No, of course I will not be happy about it, but it is HIS choice to make.
He tells me he will slow down, stop etc? in the evenings when I am angry? and sometimes in the mornings before he leaves, but by the afternoon, those ?promises? obviously wear off.
I feel like I am losing him, and our relationship is now falling apart. I told him I wished we had never stopped drinking, then this would not now be happening.
I know that for myself, I need to stop drinking and not use his weakness as justification. But I do NOT like him drunk when I?m sober.
I do not know how to modify my behavior to 1) tolerate him inebriated 2) not show or express my nightly resentment 3) not enable him or condone his behavior. I don?t know how to be friendly to him when I?m so pissed off?
Any suggestions would be so very appreciated. I want to salvage this relationship, and hope to eventually look forward to a happy, HEALTHY, long life with this man.
I love my husband very much. He has been a daily drinker for decades, prior to me. He is aware that he has a fatty liver and 6 months ago was diagnosed with Hepatitis C. We are both alcoholics, though he is more entrenched than I.
Prior to his recent diagnosis, we had been discussing the concept of moderating our drinking ? mostly at my instigation. I had become disgusted with the waste of our lives, our slug-like behaviors, the neglect that took place in our lives due to our constant drinking.
So, when the Dr told him he would die horribly, develop man tits, turn yellow, get a distended stomach, it scared him enough to stop ? cold turkey. And I chose to stop with him ? both to support him and to gain control back from my/our life.
Though a difficult, angry beginning (for him), we actually (both of us I thought), grew to NOT need the daily drink, to enjoy NOT being impaired, and became more productive with our time. There were times I felt out of place ? at parties and such? but those times were minimal.
Well, the fear has worn off now, 3 months later. Initially it was ?because? his daughter (20yr ? long distance away), tried to hurt herself and was sent to a Pysch Ward for crisis intervention. Yes, a horrible, upsetting, emotional disturbance, but also an excuse.
Since then, he has rapidly escalated back to his daily after work drinking habits ? which, by the way, include lying about it, the money, minimizing it, being defensive about it etc. The lying upsets me more than the drinking.
I have told him that I don?t like him when he?s drinking and I am not? that we?re not on the same page, that stupid things come out of his mouth. No, he is not abusive or an angry drunk? more needy and clingy and insecure.
I, knowingly, stupidly, in a retaliation mind-set, have begun to drink at home, after work now too. Knowingly the wrong choice. And do so angrily, riddled with resentment.
I expect the daily lies now? or omissions ? which equate to the same thing for me. This from the man that tells me the blow by blows of his life ? except for that conspicuous multi-hour time period after work before coming home. I have told him that his lying to me is damaging the very foundation of our relationship. He has no need to lie. If he chooses to drink ? then that is his choice. He does not need to lie about who and what he is. No, of course I will not be happy about it, but it is HIS choice to make.
He tells me he will slow down, stop etc? in the evenings when I am angry? and sometimes in the mornings before he leaves, but by the afternoon, those ?promises? obviously wear off.
I feel like I am losing him, and our relationship is now falling apart. I told him I wished we had never stopped drinking, then this would not now be happening.
I know that for myself, I need to stop drinking and not use his weakness as justification. But I do NOT like him drunk when I?m sober.
I do not know how to modify my behavior to 1) tolerate him inebriated 2) not show or express my nightly resentment 3) not enable him or condone his behavior. I don?t know how to be friendly to him when I?m so pissed off?
Any suggestions would be so very appreciated. I want to salvage this relationship, and hope to eventually look forward to a happy, HEALTHY, long life with this man.
Comment