Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

[Co Dependent]

This is my first post here but have been reading the forums for quite some time. My husband is an AL. We've been together for 6 years and he has been through re-hab 3 times since we've been together. He stayed sober for 2 years after his first trip. Then it was four months of sobriety with the second trip. He last went into re-hab this past April. He didn't stay sober even a month. It always starts out the same. He drinks every now and then, then he drinks everyday and then he starts binge drinking. This past Monday was a binge drinking day. He left for work like any normal day but never came home. When he is on a binge he won't answer his phone, he lies, he spends money he doesn't have. This binge lasted through Tuesday night. He missed two days of work. How he still has a job I don't know. I'm to my wits end. I love this man more than anything but I can't stand his demons. He takes Topamax but I don't think he takes it regularly. He was seeing a therapist but stopped going. He doesn't like AA so he won't attend meetings. I feel helpless. He is always so sorry after one of his binges but I know it will happen again. It always happens again. I've thought about giving up and walking away but if I do that he will hit rock bottom. But his rock bottom won't lead him to stop. His rock bottom will lead to his death. If he loses everything, he will drink himself to death. I don't think I can handle that. So I continue to stay and watch him self destruct. How do I learn to let go and not worry? I know this is my addiction too because here I am trying to solve the problem while he is probably drinking. Any suggestions?

[Cinders]

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

Co,

I wish I could give you some wonderful words of wisdom.

However, the ONLY advice I can offer is that you must take care of yourself. Hard words to follow. I know.

I speak from the other side of the fence.

My hubby has worried and worried about me. I don't want him to. I want to be okay, but I am not.

So, do what is right for you. It seems harsh but you only have one life.

I pray your hubby finds his way and heals. I truly do. Just like I pray for myself and work hard at it.

You must do what is right for you.

Yes, I know. Us alcoholics are not "horrible" people. We are kind, caring, loving people and then we drink. We drink because the only time we feel "good" is when we drink. It is difficult to explain but the chemical addiction is there.

Take care of yourself.

Love,
Cindi

[Co Dependent]

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

Thank you Cindi for the kind words. I know I must put myself first but it is just so hard to do. I don't want to walk away but I don't how to continue to live with the worry and anxiety that his drinking brings. He is such a wonderful person with such a big heart but when the demons come calling he turns into a selfish ass. I think I have tried everything but walking away. I've been his strongest supporter but sometimes I need someone to support me.

[ready2change]

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

Dear Co.

I am so sorry you have to go thru this. I am on BOTH sides of the fence as my husband and myself drink. I am fortunate that his binges do not lead him away from home. I would die of worry.

Please do what you need to do for YOURSELF. You state that if you leave him he will self destruct. He could very well do this even if you stay. You deserve a life free from all this worry. How many broken promises can you take?

I know this is tough for you, but only your husband can save himself. Don't take that responsibility. I feel for you, I really do. Let us know how your doing.

((Hugs)) R2C

[gyco]

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

im your husband,no,i feel for you , your husband is me,but farther gone,i was in rehab this march,obviously it didnt work for your husband,3 times, ouch,some willnever get it,your husband has to see the problem,he doesnt,i seen a gentleman in treatment,he dint get it either,he lost his licence,his job,and possibly his wife and kids,sorry but some have to die,everyone can faulter,but he seems to want sink the hole ship,and my dear that includes you, i do sympathise with you,LEAVE HIM maybe he ll get the message,gyco

[Waiting for his way out]

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

Hoping for the best

I am you, for 12 years now. Only in the past few months have I been able to slowly come out of that cloud. I know very well how impossible it is to leave him, you love him and for you that is all that matters. Please buy the book "tears and healing" it will help you see how you could, not have to, get out of the relationship when the time comes.

[nancy]

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

Hi there

I think it's great to support someone you love. But what strikes me about your post is that he does not seem to be trying hard enough. He has a med that may be effective for this yet doesn't take it? He quit his therapy? You are here instead of him? All of that is really bad on his part I don't care how big of a heart he has.

I would start putting some expectations on him as a condition for your staying. You could have a trial separation also. Some of the guys here on this board shaped up when their partners left them, it was a wakeup call.

But certainly the bare minimum is that he should be seeking help and working to overcome this. Maybe you could give him a link to this site.

Good luck

[southernbelle47]

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

Check out this book
Freedom From Addiction by Neil T Anderson
It is the very eye opening story of one couple and their struggle over his addiction.
It tells his and her side of the battle. Good advice for you and maybe some help for hubby.

:lNancy

[Evie.Lou]

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

You said that he is willing to take Topa so I wonder if he would be willing to take ANTABUSE? If he really wants to get and stay sober,that is one tool to help him get started..With that he can't drink..Offer to give it to him daily and if he refuses then SAVE YOURSELF...Start building a life of your own.After his track record,Antabuse would be the only way I would stay in that relationship..Tell him that you will help only if he is willing to help himself...Blessings to you,stay strong..

[Waiting for his way out]

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

Dear Co,
I am reading your message again...you are describing 90% of my life. The bars, the late nights coming home, the spending, hiding the alcohol and so on. It has taken a lot of effort and even more crying to face the reality. I have no control of what he does or wants to do, I have only control (or try to control) how I react to him. Lately, I have begun to put things in place to save my own sanity. "let go with love" is my new way. I tell him how I feel about things, but I don't yell or scream anymore, it helps me and it seems to make him understand he is no longer hurting me the way he used to. it is not easy to get here, but I promise you it helps. This site has taught me the difference between the sober person and the alcoholic. I understand why you don't want to leave, I don't either.. but with each "event" I get closer if things don't change soon. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

[bestlifeldms]

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

Co,

So sorry to hear of your situation. Sounds like your hub is really hanging on to AL in spite of all of the chances he has had. My husband was ready to leave me when I finally "Got It"! Thank God, he was willing to do the harder thing, by following through. He would have, and he made that very clear. He tried everything, before that, for years, to get me to stop. I just always thought that he would never leave me. So, I kept drinking. . . When I finally realized that "what was important to me" was in jeopardy, I stopped being selfish and quit. I really don't know what to tell you. But, if you stay in this, you have zero chance at a fulfilling, happy life, which you deserve. If you tell him that you are going to end your marriage if he doesn't stop ~~~ and be serious about it (antabuse would be good!) that may be the thing that gets his attention, he may "Get It". I did! Keep coming here for support and I will say a prayer for you, your hub and family. Hugs, Best

[buddy]

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

R.I.P RICH

:upset:just thought i would let you no that i lost my partner rich of nearly 6 years on sunday he was found on a bench hes words were you live by it you die by it and the drink won it had a hold over him more then my love for him and hes left me with a broken heart and hes stepkids and friends and family i hope no one has to go through what im going through now

[hippie37]

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

buddy I'm sorry to hear such horrific news like that. I used to have that same outlook myself and used to call it my Hendrixsyndrome. I'm so glad I finally woke up to myself.

I hope you're bearing up well and thanks for taking the time to inform us.

Peace and Love be with you
Hippie
xx

[startingover]

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

buddy;431052 wrote: :upset:just thought i would let you no that i lost my partner rich of nearly 6 years on sunday he was found on a bench hes words were you live by it you die by it and the drink won it had a hold over him more then my love for him and hes left me with a broken heart and hes stepkids and friends and family i hope no one has to go through what im going through now

Oh Buddy, I am so sorry to hear that. My thoughts are with you. Your story has just made real the harsh reality of this condition. :l

[gyco]

Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst

hi CO d,i hope he has come home safely,you are a very special person to hang on,i hope your misery ends soon,you have found a good site to talk to people,there are ot of help centers where i live,some have to take the time to utilise them,you can still love him,but i think you have to have your own mission now,if he is no willing to help himself,o well,as someone said its time to worry about you,if i sound vain,i do apoligise causse i can,i was also in a sanitarium,mental hosp, or as they call it today a health facility,many peopl i met had been in and out 2 or 3 times,i do beleive some get it the 1st,i like your hubby drank many years not knowing my problem,obviously,the facillity wasnt enuff or he needed to stay longer,he can also read this if he dare,or maybe he beats or mentally abuses you whenyou find the help you i quote you need,where i went it was tuff,i was sober for 4 months b4 i went,as i said its not tht i cant stop,its i cant stay stopped,and as i have found when the world aroundme promotes all this mess,thts going on,sometimes we SINK again,tht is the path your husband chooses,as you say what is a low,to me it ment dying,i am so sorry for your pain,trust me HE knows better gyco