We are the other side

[Pan]

We are the other side

Waiting, thankyou. You could be my husband talking. The whole reason I've given up AL. But thankyou for putting it into words.

[gyco]

We are the other side

hi waiting,i happen to go back to the threads lately and see the response,i am very surprised with the group here,that theres not more comments,or advise,i actually printed what you said,i am trying to get enuff nerve to show it to my wife,to show her , she s not the only one,maybe it would be wise to start a new group,for a reminder to us who have stopped,or us who are wanting to,to look at a thread ,if we have the nerve to,when were contemplating drink,maybe a reminder of the damage that our evil twin can do,when under the influence,of AL,maybe you have actually started a new way for us to remind ourselves,not to,again thnx,gyco something to think about

[MyOwnWoman]

We are the other side

It's important for us to also remember the impact we have on our children. I grew up in an abusive, scary, heartbreaking home with alcoholic parents. To my parents, it seemed, their drinking was just daily drinking, the problems it caused were theirs alone. But now they are dead and the impact lives on as I struggle all my life with addiction, fear, relationships, resentment, anger, pain, insecurities... still with scenes and words replaying in my mind sometimes, reaching into my dreams and the passage of time is stolen as I am again that terrified, broken little girl listening to them fight in the kitchen. And what I endured as their child impacts my child as I falter as a parent myself, and in turn her children may be impacted because she grew up with a moody, impatient mom who drank too much, went through a stream of bad relationships, etc.

You are so right on to point out that it is not all about the drinker. The impact is deep and far-reaching.

My heart goes out to you.

[Wish Upon a Star]

We are the other side

Waiting, what a brilliant post. I can relate to this and know what it feels like to worry. However, I do agree with comments made here and have recently learned that i need to let my partner find his own way. It's difficult but i'm getting stronger. He has since started attending AA and seems to be getting the help he needs. This give me hope for our future.

Again thank you for the post

Wishy x x

[cymru]

We are the other side

A very thought provoking post. Thank you.

[Waiting for his way out]

We are the other side

To post is often to let go of things that are clowding your view and your heart. Every response is an encouragement and a push forward. I thank you for all your support and praise.
Here I have found the strenght of walking away when he drinks, something I could have never done just a few months ago.
He hates when I leave and go for coffee to avoid what is coming. I take refuge in another room, make dinner and pretend his addiction is not affecting me, not that day, not that evening.
It is a behavior difficult to learn and even more difficult to execute. I am becoming much better at it, I decided AL will not take away everything I worked so hard for, we worked so hard for.

He has to win this, we have to win this battle and ultimately the war.

The only question remaining is how long I can feel and think that way. Hopefully long enough to make it happen.
Bless his heart, he is trying so hard and knows the past and present destruction AL is capable of.
We are off to our beloved mountains in Georgia, USA for a few days, quiet and reflecting time.
Thank you.
W

[Determinatrix]

We are the other side

Waiting for his way out;543652 wrote:
It is a behavior difficult to learn and even more difficult to execute. I am becoming much better at it, I decided AL will not take away everything I worked so hard for, we worked so hard for.

He has to win this, we have to win this battle and ultimately the war.

The only question remaining is how long I can feel and think that way. Hopefully long enough to make it happen.
W

W - Your words are the very same that I have once spoken.
How do you act as if you don't care when you would take a bullet for him?
When I fast forward to the future, is it the same?
I know how hard this is. I don't ever want to go back.
Stay strong to you and your love.
Dx

[Waiting for his way out]

We are the other side

D, we never left. He was drinking the night before and it all went downhill from there.
I got up the next day to hear more insults and blame all on me. So, I took my cat and my suitcase and drove by myself, 12 hours, to our cabin.
I stayed there alone with my kitty for 4 days, through Valentine's Day. He lied and drank the entire time I was gone.
I drove back on Sunday only to find out he had left, who knows where....
Monday morning I woke-up with him sleeping in his office, he had been sleeping in his car since Saturday. He looked like death and was "so sorry" about everything.
I can tell you the days alone, although they were spent in tears and despair, taught me a lesson:
I will no longer believe this is my fault
I will no longer let him verbally or emotionally abuse me
I will give him the ultimate choice, me or vodka
I will not let him manipulate me and confuse me to the point I believe I am the one going crazy.
I will stand strong
I will stop just saying these words and start living by them

My 50th birthday is in 5 weeks, the age is not bothering me but it is sending me a message about where and what I want to do with the rest of my life. No middle-life crisis here, no desire to buy a sportcar or breast implants but rather a reflection where my life will take me and a realization that wherever I do for the (hopefully) next 25 years will be my choice and NOT AL's choice.
Thank you for the understanding and the support.

[A Work in Progress]

We are the other side

Waiting, it's good to hear you turning a corner in the direction of getting YOUR life back. I've lived on each side of this horrible situation, and I have some sense of what it feels like to be in your shoes. Being lied to, and being blamed for the madness that we drinkers create is just intolerable. I hope that you stand firm, and that your strength and sincerity will help your husband to turn his own corner, too.

[Waiting for his way out]

We are the other side

For the first time today in so many years, he asked me for the number of someone I have been seeing to help me with his problem. This is someone who is in charge of talking to people who are lost with AL and helps them find a facility that best suits them for treatment.
I hope he calls her and that asking for the number was not just another way of buying himself time with me. I don't have great expectations amymore, have been let down too many times, but maybe just maybe there is
a little flickering light of hope...

[Determinatrix]

We are the other side

W -

I have always understood hope to come from fear.
I remember needing hope and dreading hope.

I remember needing to have hope so I could slug thru each day.
My fear was that this war would be neverending.
I had to believe he really wanted this and was truly trying to beat it.

I remember asking Det to stop making promises because it gave me hope,
which gave me something to hold onto tightly.
When he did not come thru it would just crush all my hope. So fragile.

Hope. It's such an sticky concept.

I feel helpless to help you, except to say that I understand.

Dx

[CabSavvy]

We are the other side

I am totally that drunkin wino

Thank you for the post, it made me cry. Everything you said is exactly how my children
have expressed the same feelings of themselves to me, that is exactly how they feel each day.

I am so that mother that has so much
baggage from loosing so many loved ones and pets that I felt I could just drink away
the pain and loneliness, only to wake up in the morning, not remembering how I got
to bed, looking at bruises on my body and knowing I did not tuck my boys into bed once again. Everything started to change when my son sat me down when I was sober, and begged me to stop drinking. He hated the person I have become and just wants to feel all the love again and he knows how much I love babies and he said if I did not quite drinking I would never get to hold my grandbaby. We were both hugging and crying and I told him I would try.
He asked me to try for 30 days, he loves me so much and is scared I will
hurt myself by falling down again. We are a lovely family, but I am the one and only
who has disappointed them all. I made a promise that I will never ever go to
that dark place of two bottles of wine again. I have spent so much money everymonth
and it breaks my heart when they ask for something expensive and I say sorry
that cost too much. To see the hurt in thier eyes the next morning or how they hang
there heads low has broken my heart, but this time I want to repair it and hopefully
I have not done any long term damage. Love is a powerfull drug, and I want to change
for me and to get our family back the way it used to be, full of love and not resentment.

thank you for saying what I am sure every single child of an alcoholic parent is feeling.

[Evie.Lou]

We are the other side

Welcome to MWO and I am glad you have found us Cab.
You don't ever have to be alone in your struggles with alcohol again. We are in this together and together we can help each other heal. Stay close to this site and read and post lots. I look forward to getting to know you.

[Eve11]

We are the other side

Thank you so much for your post.

There were times when my poor hubby would feel bad because he hadn't watched me closely enough to keep me from drinking too much!! How sad is that?!

A bad one for me was waking up and having him mad/disappointed at me because of what I had done the night before...embarrassed him in some way or picked a fight because of my drunkeness.

So sad how we hurt our families. I grew up with a dad who loved his bottle more than his kids and I decided not to repeat that behavior. So, my dh is so relieved he doesn't have to play watchdog anymore!

Eve11

[scarred]

We are the other side

As i'm sitting here wondering where my husband is, and worried that he's too drunk to come home, i read your post. Bravo! We are the one's with the pain. People say that you wouldnt walk away from a loved one if they had cancer, that you would fight for their lives, this is true, but the difference is is that they would be fighting too for their lives and accept any treatment that was going to give them help and hope, but not an alcoholic, because we are the only ones that want them well. They dont want the help.