Announcement

**Determinatrix** · February 13, 2009, 10:47 PM

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

Laura - all you can do is be available when she decides she wants to do this.
She has to do this on her own; she can't do it for you.
She will have to fight so hard that her reasons for doing it will have to be deep within her soul.

I feel for you; I feel your frustration in wanting better for your mom.
I'm so sorry.

In the meantime, you need to take care of you.
Look into an Al-Anon meeting; visit their website.

Dx

**LauraKate21** · February 14, 2009, 11:26 AM

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

Thankyou, i know that she needs to want to do it for herself, but its just so hard to see someone damaging themselves in this way, especially when you love them so much x i will definatley seek help, and hopefully in doing that for myself i might be able to help my mum, thanks for your advice, i really appreciate it x

**Prest4time** · February 15, 2009, 05:07 PM

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

Hi Laura,

It is excellent that you are researching this and getting educated about alcoholism, as it does have far and wide reaching effects on all family members.

I am a mother who has struggled with alcohol, so maybe I can offer some help and support from the flip side. I think Dx's suggestion to visit Alanon is very wise and important. You will find an entire support network there of people just like you.. many are young like you and struggling with parents or a spouse with a drinking problem.

I am sure your mother feels awful about it inside and knows it is hurting you. That is the problem with addiction though, it takes over, and it is soo difficult to break out of it even when you know it is hurting your family. I felt awful guilt when I was out of control because I knew my children saw and knew it. But yet I felt I could not stop. It was a process for me... not something that happened overnight. Your Mom has to really want and desire to be free from it for herself.

As a mother, I can tell you that the best thing you can do for her is to love her, but not enable her. That is a fine line. Continue to be honest with her. It will hurt her, but it is the best way to help her to "wake up" and realize what she is doing to her family. Drinking is an extremely selfish sport, although the one drinking does not see that while they are drunk. Please find a time when she is sober... maybe have coffee with her one morning. Assure your love for her, but tell her what her choices are doing to you. She NEEDS to hear that. She is most likely in denial, and thinking about the pain she causes probably makes her drink more. Tell her how it has effected you... tell her the pain you are feeling, the bottles you are finding. It will be hard for her to hear, but it may be the very wake up call that helps her. It was for me. If she shows signs of interest to make new efforts to find help, then direct her to this sight. It is not a "cure all" here, but the majority of members here are women... mothers... and before we found this place, we felt so alone. I am sure she feels terribly alone in this, but she is not.

I wish you the best and admire your courage. Please keep us updated!

P4T

**rolypoly** · April 17, 2009, 01:57 PM

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

Hi Laura,
I'm here - in part- because my daughter has been honest with me about the affect my drinking has on her. She worries about my health and how others see me.
We don't talk about it all the time.

Our family Easter dinner was alcohol free..for her sake.
To my surprise I did not miss wine.
This has been an up and down road for me. My husband helps. My Mom. I'm glad you had support from your family.

This is my first visit to this site. You have helped me remember I have many reasons to take control of my life.
My daughter should not have to. Thank you

RolyPoly

**stashia** · April 17, 2009, 04:56 PM

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

welcome rolly polly im new too only 2 days af. i too have embarressed my children for which im ashamed and your right we have to take control of our own life. HI laura your mum is very lucky to have such a caring and understanding daughter you are a reminder to all of us to keep fighting off the demons our addiction affects everyone in our lives. god bless

**Seacailin** · April 17, 2009, 07:02 PM

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

LK
I am glad that you posted. You are a wise and caring young woman. I am the adult child of an alcoholic and am now one myself. I know that the causes and conditions underlying my alcoholism are a direct effect of my parent's alcoholism. All of my kids are in their 20's now. They never saw me have a drink until they were teenagers, because I stayed sober with the help of AA for 10 years I know that even the short period that they have experienced my drinking problem, has affected them deeply. My daughter, who is the youngest (20) deals with it by giving me the silent treatment. Even during my periods of sobriety, she no longer talks to me. This does not help. I really wish that she would look into Al-anon. Would your Mum be willing to go to rehab? I know that there have been times where I just really wanted someone to offer to help me. I wish you and your family the best. You are a daughter who I would be proud to have:l

**Winefree** · April 17, 2009, 10:38 PM

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

Laura, you sound as frustrated as my husband who walked out last week. He has tried to get me to quit, encouraged me to find help. Went to an AA meeting himself. Gave me space and time to try to stop on my own(I believed I could). I just kept on drinking despite knowing how he felt. And now I am alone.
Your Mom needs to want to stop for herself. She needs to know how you feel, but don't take it personally if continues to drink, it is the illness. I too hid bottles and tried to have it look like I wasn't drinking as much as I was, but my slurred speech gave it away.

I'm not sure what will jolt your Mom to make a change. My husband walking out did it for me. In 10 days, I have gone to counseling, an AA meeting and been sober for 9. I only hope he will come back. I hope your Mom goes for help before something like this happens to her.

You can show her this if you like, if you think it might help.

Keep speaking to her about it, she may hear you some day.....My husband stopped talking about it(per my request) and it only kept the "skeleton in the closet" and I did NEED to talk about it, even though I would have been upset.

Good luck and keep up the hope.

**irish eyes** · April 18, 2009, 04:16 PM

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

Hi Laura
I can feel your frustration and pain, you have done what you can do for your mom, it is now your time - you can go to Al Anon for you It really will help you to deal with the pain that you are going through and prevent any enabling that may/may not be going on.
PM me if u need to talk
:l

**cara wall** · April 25, 2009, 09:02 AM

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

Hi Laura

hi love - I am up in Scotland ... am 57 ... and have a 12 yr old (also I am v heavy drinker ... just, just holding back from going deep into the abyss) I really took on board yr comments re being 12/13 with yr mum because I know my boy suffers - and he is lovely - a wonderful child (pre-teen horror???!!) so I am trying so hard to calm down my drinking.

Sounds like your mum really is trying too ... 1/2 bottle, down from a bottle, is quite an achievement. I really understand your frustration & how it can just boil up and spill over in anger - actually Ramesh, my son, does just that with me too. (And I really understand that he is just sad, worried, anxious and wants his good mum back again - I know it is just his frustration that boils up too) However, these kinds of outbursts for me are very difficult because A) they make me feel even more inadequate B) they only confirm the very bad feelings I have about myself already ... and C) they make me want to grab more booze to blot out the pain of it all. So, although I really understand your anger and yes, it is totally justified - but please, try and take 2 steps back next time you encounter such a situation. honestly, your mum must be a lovely person to have produced a kind caring person like you and I am sure that she, like me, is in a very sad, difficult, self-hating place. So, try next time, deep breath, 2 steps back - don't reproach her, I am sure that in her heart of hearts she is trying - so make light of it ... or don't mention it ... maybe just have a fun chat with her about some of the things you've been up to, entertain her, and I swear she will enjoy herself so much she will forget about the bottle.

Do you have any activities you really enjoy together? Perhaps you could pencil in some times where you and mum could go out somewhere and enjoy something you really like doing together - maybe a walk in the country / visit to Stately Home / garden/ safari park / zoo - go and have some fun together. I have managed to drag myself back from the worst point just by the kindness of a couple of younger friends of mine who've had me round for dinner, taken me to the park with their small kiddies, organised outings etc. because if one thing is clear ... when you get to that point where your best friend is the bottle, you neglect ALL others. You become incapable of keeping in touch, planning a nice outing. So maybe you could start the ball rolling with a lovely afternoon out with mum. Maybe you could find some cheap tickets for mum and nan to go to cine watch a really funny film - all activities which are out of the house and fun are a fantastic antidote to drinking. Stopping won't happen overnight but a renewed interest in life will help.

I went to a few AA meetings but couldn't sustain it as had to be home with my son in evenings after work. I found it really useful - helped me to understand what was happening to me - and honestly, you would not believe it, there are some really lovely people in AA and hearing their stories can be really inspiring. A lot of them are recovering alcoholics. That means that they have understood that they are powerless in relation to drink. In order to fight it they have to appeal to a Higher Power. That can be God if you are a believer or, as one recovering alkie said to me, G (group) O (of) D (drinkers). So you kind of pray/plead to this HP to take you out from that place. It is a wonderful fellowship and very many of them are 5, 10, 15 years sober but just keep coming along occasionally for the fellowship and support and the sharing of stories and the helping of others who find theirselves in that dreadful place they once were. And hearing tips about avoiding that "first drink" was good too. At the stage she's at, she probably can't avoid the "first drink" but it does sound like she has been cutting down. You don't even have to give up drink to go to AA - you are supposed to confess "My name is ... and I am an alcoholic" which I found really difficult but as one member said to me "it's a lot easier to come in here and pretend to BE an alcoholic than it is out there pretending that you are not" .

I hope this makes sense to you (cos it's quite a ramble). I would love your mum to go along to some AA meetings - it's actually quite enjoyable, sociable - and you don't have to say anything - then also, they usually give you a cuppa, and often sandwiches too, so if you were feeling like a drink you tend to forget it by eating, drinking tea/coffee, chatting, and understanding that there are some lovely people out there who have been just to that very same dreadful, sad place you are in. However, the only one who can decide to go is mum. Of course, you, nan, brother, dad, whoever could also go with her - but it might be a great chance for her to go along alone and listen - and maybe do an outpouring of her sadness, which I did 2/3 times, burst into tears, broke down, and got tremendous support and kindness from the group. It really felt good that so many people understood - and cared - because I was just being like they once were and they really knew how hard that was.

So, Laura, hope this helps you understand a little. Thank you very much for giving me my son's picture on this difficult thing. It has given me more strength to fight.

thank you ... and lotsaluv from Scotland

**cara wall** · April 25, 2009, 09:11 AM

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

Hi Laura

hi love - I am up in Scotland ... am 57 ... and have a 12 yr old (also I am v heavy drinker ... just, just holding back from going deep into the abyss) I really took on board yr comments re being 12/13 with yr mum because I know my boy suffers - and he is lovely - a wonderful child (pre-teen horror???!!) so I am trying so hard to calm down my drinking.

Sounds like your mum really is trying too ... 1/2 bottle, down from a bottle, is quite an achievement. I really understand your frustration & how it can just boil up and spill over in anger - actually Ramesh, my son, does just that with me too. (And I really understand that he is just sad, worried, anxious and wants his good mum back again - I know it is just his frustration that boils up too) However, these kinds of outbursts for me are very difficult because A) they make me feel even more inadequate B) they only confirm the very bad feelings I have about myself already ... and C) they make me want to grab more booze to blot out the pain of it all. So, although I really understand your anger and yes, it is totally justified - but please, try and take 2 steps back next time you encounter such a situation. honestly, your mum must be a lovely person to have produced a kind caring person like you and I am sure that she, like me, is in a very sad, difficult, self-hating place. So, try next time, deep breath, 2 steps back - don't reproach her, I am sure that in her heart of hearts she is trying - so make light of it ... or don't mention it ... maybe just have a fun chat with her about some of the things you've been up to, entertain her, and I swear she will enjoy herself so much she will forget about the bottle.

Do you have any activities you really enjoy together? Perhaps you could pencil in some times where you and mum could go out somewhere and enjoy something you really like doing together - maybe a walk in the country / visit to Stately Home / garden/ safari park / zoo - go and have some fun together. I have managed to drag myself back from the worst point just by the kindness of a couple of younger friends of mine who've had me round for dinner, taken me to the park with their small kiddies, organised outings etc. because if one thing is clear ... when you get to that point where your best friend is the bottle, you neglect ALL others. You become incapable of keeping in touch, planning a nice outing. So maybe you could start the ball rolling with a lovely afternoon out with mum. Maybe you could find some cheap tickets for mum and nan to go to cine watch a really funny film - all activities which are out of the house and fun are a fantastic antidote to drinking. Stopping won't happen overnight but a renewed interest in life will help.

I went to a few AA meetings but couldn't sustain it as had to be home with my son in evenings after work. I found it really useful - helped me to understand what was happening to me - and honestly, you would not believe it, there are some really lovely people in AA and hearing their stories can be really inspiring. A lot of them are recovering alcoholics. That means that they have understood that they are powerless in relation to drink. In order to fight it they have to appeal to a Higher Power. That can be God if you are a believer or, as one recovering alkie said to me, G (group) O (of) D (drinkers). So you kind of pray/plead to this HP to take you out from that place. It is a wonderful fellowship and very many of them are 5, 10, 15 years sober but just keep coming along occasionally for the fellowship and support and the sharing of stories and the helping of others who find theirselves in that dreadful place they once were. And hearing tips about avoiding that "first drink" was good too. At the stage she's at, she probably can't avoid the "first drink" but it does sound like she has been cutting down. You don't even have to give up drink to go to AA - you are supposed to confess "My name is ... and I am an alcoholic" which I found really difficult but as one member said to me "it's a lot easier to come in here and pretend to BE an alcoholic than it is out there pretending that you are not" .

I hope this makes sense to you (cos it's quite a ramble). I would love your mum to go along to some AA meetings - it's actually quite enjoyable, sociable - and you don't have to say anything - then also, they usually give you a cuppa, and often sandwiches too, so if you were feeling like a drink you tend to forget it by eating, drinking tea/coffee, chatting, and understanding that there are some lovely people out there who have been just to that very same dreadful, sad place you are in. However, the only one who can decide to go is mum. Of course, you, nan, brother, dad, whoever could also go with her - but it might be a great chance for her to go along alone and listen - and maybe do an outpouring of her sadness, which I did 2/3 times, burst into tears, broke down, and got tremendous support and kindness from the group. It really felt good that so many people understood - and cared - because I was just being like they once were and they really knew how hard that was.

So, Laura, hope this helps you understand a little. Thank you very much for giving me my son's picture on this difficult thing. It has given me more strength to fight.

thank you ... and lotsaluv from Scotland

**ldhkah57** · April 29, 2009, 12:44 AM

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

Mum

Please go to the message boards and go to the thread about Campral and naltrexone. This may help your mother. :new:

**adi** · August 26, 2009, 03:10 PM

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

Hi Laura,

just remember, it's not your fault or your job.
I know you want to help but it may eat you up.

Let her know your position when she is sober.She may need to get away from all of you and have space anyway, but she needs to do it for herself.

Only she can sort it, no amount of pressure will help, in my case it makes it worse because of the feeling of failure.

Look after yourself and your mental state, otherwise you may be burnt out when she finally comes to her senses and wants your help.

Good luck, Andrew.

**YoungAtHeart** · November 1, 2009, 10:36 AM

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

LauraKate, if you are still around, how are things going for you now? Please give us an update. I hope that you are doing better, whether your mother is or not. I feel deeply for you. You shouldn't have to take care of your mother emotionally. All the best, sweetie.

Welcome Guest to My Way Out Forums.

Announcement

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

My mum,,,,, she just wont stop

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment