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    Expectation vs. reality

    I have been here since September 2008. It has been a much longer road than 7 months. It so much longer because my ordeal with AL started 13 years ago when I met my beloved husband.
    During the first few years beer was the drink of choice and the quantities gradually increased and so did the incidents. But, when 4 years ago the Vodka took the beer's place things turned, as probably should have been expected, a lot worse.
    I have previoulsy described some of the events, but they are not the focus of my posting today.
    Today, I am just trying to understand why I remained in the living nightmare while my husband continued to do things he could and does not remember while I did and do.
    Now he is in another "recovery" period, they typically only last a few weeks at the most.
    When he is sober for a certain period of time, or at least does not indulge in the same quantities of AL, he is very clear as to whom is partially responsible for all this. To my surprise (according to him) he counts me in, as partially responsible. Apparently I did not react well to his AL abuse and when I was "out of my mind" dealing with his AL abuse, I said a lot of unkind things and had outburst of "insanity" .... you think???
    It is my fault for having such great expecation vs. reality. The expectation was the hopeful reward for standing by him, sometimes well and sometimes not so well.
    The reality is that I am now accused of being part of the problem. I have to say I am beside myself with his diagnose.
    Everything I have read and all the professional help I have gathered over the past couple of years seem to conclude the opposite. They all tell me I was "crazy" because I was driven to it by his actions and abuse.
    Little did I know I would come to find out, from him, that I am just simply a crazy person with a potential "mental" problem and it has nothing to do with what I lived through due to his AL abuse.
    I am very sadden by his conclusion to my support over the years. I am very disappointed to this expectation vs. reality I face today.
    Was I crazy, am I crazy? were my reactions sometimes so strong that you could think so.. yes.. absolutely. But, I am not convinced I am the problem. After all I was previously married to someone else and none of this so called "mental" issue i have been accused of was present until I faced the AL in my life.
    Sorry for rambling on, but I had to share my dilemna today. To believe the alcoholic whoe has found a period of sobriety to come to this conclusion and diagnose about me or to believe the rest of the world.
    any thoughts?

    #2
    Expectation vs. reality

    Just the same old thoughts you've heard before, Waiting. This is an awful situation AND as you are pointing out, here, your expectations (that he will be grateful to you, that he will not blame you, that he will stop drinking forever) are keeping you in a miserable state. Your name is "waiting" on this forum... how long will you wait for these miracles to happen? You are putting yourself in a hopeless situation (one you cannot control in any way, so long as you are waiting for another human being to change his behavior so that he is doing what you want him to be doing). Have you considered that sticking around in this situation with your husband might actually be making things worse for both of you, instead of better? That sounds harsh, probably... but also quite possibly something you should once again consider...

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      #3
      Expectation vs. reality

      Honestly, WIP I chose that name in September. I have made great progress in the waiting portion. I have been able to disengage at times and let him deal with AL on his own.
      My purpose today was to find out from others if they believe, based on their experiences, that my "insanity" was all mine or if indeed, it is possible it was caused by his abuse of AL and all the nightmares, pain, agony they caused to my wellbeing and it turn my behavior.
      Not looking for a professional opinion, but rather for someone who has been in that situation and can tell me if they were also crazy and behaved against their normal character while faced with an alcoholic and his or hers outrageous behavior, words and accusations.
      I know I am not crazy, but I am a little haunted by the fact I may have made things worse (according to him) by losing my temper etc...
      I have dealt with my co-dependence and have made great progress in that area. but, how could this be my fault? help.

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        #4
        Expectation vs. reality

        Whatever you do, do not EVER take on the "responsibility" for causing an alcoholic to drink.

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          #5
          Expectation vs. reality

          I think all or most alcoholics look for someone to blame other than themselves. I know my dad blamed my mum and probably us. He was totally unreasonable
          Living now and not just existing since 9th July 2008
          Nicotine Free since 6th February 2009

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            #6
            Expectation vs. reality

            Ever is a long time... but I will remember your advise.
            Thank you for listening. The talking alone makes me feel better.

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              #7
              Expectation vs. reality

              A Work in Progress;563330 wrote: Whatever you do, do not EVER take on the "responsibility" for causing an alcoholic to drink.
              Ditto!

              I think maybe you should really think long and hard to get out of there. Honestly, he isn't going to change unless he wants to. These 'periods' of sobriety are only happening because you get to the point of giving up on him.

              Well, I think it is time for you to decide what kind of life you want to live. Do you really want to spend your time on this Earth in constant emotional trauma?

              I know that leaving would be hard; but what would be harder? You losing your self worth because he is blaming you for why he drinks? It is only going to get worse.

              13 years our of YOUR precious life is a LONG time. You have tried to help him. Unfortunately the only person that can help him is himself. You should feel no guilt.

              Even if you only temporarily separate; he might 'get it'. If he doesn't, it isn't your fault.

              All the best. :l

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                #8
                Expectation vs. reality

                One2many.. how I value your words and those of all others who help me. Those 6 points you made about the reality are a mirror of my life.
                I know this, I know I should leave and let go. I know life is too short to give in to such destructive weeks, months and years. I know all this.. the struggle is to find out why I let it happen and why I am still there, holding on and hoping.
                I am not mad nor did or do I cause him to drink. But, somedays I need to hear it from someone else just to make sure...
                He believes because I say things while I am sober and he does and says things while he is drunk.. I have NO excuse, while he has the intoxication on his side. that cannot be so!
                He refuses to understand or conveniently denies the fact my certain and so called "mental" periodic mental disturbance was and is caused solely by his drinking and all the events that have accumulated over the years.
                Gyco, if he reads this, will lecture me on being responsible only for me and not for him.. I know Gyco, I know..... how could i ever explain when I have no explanation for still being here and seeking the same advice you all gave me months ago.
                in all fairness, you have taught me to deal with all this in a much better way, I rarely cry anymore. when I first met you guys and gals I would have never made it through a Post without crying my heart out. Here I am today, tear free and proud of it.
                love, W

                Comment


                  #9
                  Expectation vs. reality

                  Waiting,

                  You have gotten some good words of advice and wisdom here.

                  I just wanted to add my $0.02.

                  The fact that he is trying to blame you for being any part of the problem is very indicative of his mindset. He is still denying that being sober is his responsibility. Period.

                  I just hope and pray he does find his way out but as long as he tries to cast blame where it does not belong, he is going to have a difficult time doing that.

                  Yes. He wants you to not respond to his alcoholic idiocy. Sure!! Wouldn't it be GREAT if someone were around to always pick up the pieces, take care of us and do what it takes to let us continue our addiction??

                  Um, nope.

                  My heart goes out to you just as it does my loving family and hubby.

                  I am sorry you are struggling with this as much as he is.

                  Love and strength to you,
                  Cindi
                  AF April 9, 2016

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                    #10
                    Expectation vs. reality

                    Hi Waiting
                    You have got excellent feedback, just need to say I could identify so much with you. I waited around for eleven years for my husband to become sober and I tried everything that I could possibly try -nothing was too difficult for me to get him sober. Eventually he started to blame me for his drinking, real crazy blaming it hurt alot and left me very confused and hurt( I dident drink then). I went to AL Anon for a long time and learned about alcoholism, one of the most useful lessons I ever learned was If I dont want to be a doormat I have to get up off the floor in other words I had choices I cant control what other people do say or think, I am responsible for my choices. On reflection, there was plenty of unacceptable behaviour directed at me, I was the one who took it and often came back for more. I was a willing participant in that dance and I felt like a victim but in fact I was a volunteer. I eventually accepted the challenge to look at my own recovery in Al Anon before I spend any more of my precious life wishing he would change and it was so empowering. I did leave him and he still drinks today I believe. We are apart thirteen years now and I am very happy in another relationship with a lovely guy who is my soulmate. Finally you did not cause him to drink and neither can you stop him.

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                      #11
                      Expectation vs. reality

                      Thank you everyone. As he remains sober for the past few days, again, he expresses his sorrow for blaming me. I just hope this time (I know, I know, again "this time") he finally understands the hurt and the pain and the accusations were unfounded, as he says he does.
                      I must say, I am not the same person who took all that for years. I have been able to stand-up and be a lot stronger, but I have not reached the point of absolute strenght.
                      You are my support and my voice of reason, without you I would begin to think he is right.. thanks for bringing me back to reality.
                      I will take a deep breath and be more cautious about the future.
                      W

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                        #12
                        Expectation vs. reality

                        HI Waiting

                        He sounds pretty self-absorbed.

                        Nobody's perfect and I think you can be excused for not knowing how to deal with such a big problem. This guy is saying horrible things to you while drunk and you are left to cope with all that. His problem becomes a big problem for you. So what if it's true that your responses didn't help. Even if you were perfectly supportive, that might not have helped either. If you read the stories on this site you see that some of the people have angels for spouses and that still doesn't make them stop drinking.

                        It's a big battle to win even in the best of circumstances.

                        I guess you need to decide how much longer you can deal with this because for a lot of people this is a tough problem to overcome. It's not that he is a bad person, he just has a very tough problem and you don't have to wait for him. You might have to seriously assess whether you can accept him as he is, with this problem because it seems he is very much struggling to get over it but not succeeding.

                        Nancy

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                          #13
                          Expectation vs. reality

                          Waiting, I grew up in an alcoholic family where every moment, decision, action, revolved around my father's drinking. I would often blame myself, as a child, for being naughty when my father went off into an alcoholic fit of rage. I still carry those distorted perceptions.

                          I have done some very shameful things, but one thing I have decided never to do, is blame anyone else for my drinking.

                          I married a vey abusive and controling man. I can say in all honesty that I had to get divorced due to his narcissistic personality. He could only see his perspective and would fly into rages that were quite frightening. The break up of our marriage was due to this pattern of behaviour, but my choice to drink, was my choice and my choice alone.

                          We can never take resposibility for another's behaviour. Drunkeness is no excuse for disrespect.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Expectation vs. reality

                            Waiting
                            I used to try to get a certain alcoholic in my life to stop by being 'good' and being 'right.' Neither attempt worked! If anything, it just made them resent me all the more, making me try even harder to be gooder and more right....(this went on for years)
                            Now I am free, and I am just not in that loop anymore. Life is MUCH more fun this way, and less serious. Sadly? or rather happily - I no longer have a lot of contact with this individual.
                            Life DOES go on - happy days are ahead for you! Let go of outcomes!
                            Love
                            Lila

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Expectation vs. reality

                              he still hasn't reached that place where he can look at himself and his family objectively. Sometimes this never happens.
                              My experience with drunks, is that it's better to not get in the way of their drinking. (it is sad) but they have chosen that path and no one can change it. I think it is very painful to watch someone you love do such harm to themselves and also their friends and family.
                              He won't change until his time comes.
                              You can't turn a pickle into a cucumber

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