Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

[bloggy]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Sheri- while everything you say is true- it sounds very critical of this mother.

She does not want to do what she is doing- but many people are very scared of facing life without alcohol, and do not know how to go about it.

I think this type of attitude you demonstrate would make her problem worse rather than helping her.

Not getting her fix is not 'a hissy fit' -for her it is her lifeline- and to cut of her supply suddenly could be life threatening.

I feel she is drinking much more than she is revealing to Dad- just stopping can be very dangerous.

[macca]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

childrens saftey should always come first!! so dad that is where your prioraty lies, then your wife only she can decide when she needs help and you will be there for her.

[bloggy]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

I'm sorry Sheri, I probably just read it the wrong way.

I am also worried- it has played on my mind all night- I think dad really has to sit her down and have a serious talk- it sounds like the subject is being avoided for fear of upsetting her. I feel they have to come up with a plan that she feels is doable- there is something Dr Eskapa describes in his book (The Cure for Alcoholism) when a person is denied alcohol (or denies themselves) that they will just later be likely to go back and drink even more. I know this is something I have done for years, it was only when I read the book that it fell into place- I just couldn't understand why I kept doing that but it is part of the condition. I am worried the same could happen to her.

Please keep us posted Dad, and let us know how things go.

BTW Sheri- Congrats on your AF and NF- to stop both together is awesome!!

[macca]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

this has worried us all i too didn't sleep, trying to think of things. i have full respect for the wife saying to her husband "do what you need to do" for the childrens saftey i am also wondering if this is a cry for help.

i think something needs to be done and soon before someone gets hurt and dad before you become resentful like i did my husband when you get to that stage things change even in more ways.

i think marbellas addvice to sit her down and have a serious chat and look down the road to getting some serious help and addvice. i wish you dad and your wife all the very best keep posting we are all routing for you both.

[macca]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

sorry last bit came out wrong,

i think marbellas addvice to sit her down and have a serious chat is defenatly a good way to go, together you can sort something out and get the proper support she needs. she will be upset but it needs to be talked about no one likes to addmit they have a drink problem but i think in her hart and by what you have said she would like some kind of help, and the fact you are there to support her is fantastic. x

[Sarasmiles]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Hi Dad,
I think your wife sounds depressed and overwhelmed. Although for some people alcohol abuse takes on a life of its own, in my own experience, it is very directly connected to mood issues. When your wife says she's bored, maybe she means "I'm depressed". Maybe she's looking for a way to change her mood.

Has she been in therapy? If she's not seeing a therapist now, perhaps you could suggest it. She simply can't be happy in her current situation. With five children to care for, as others have said, she must get overwhelmed. I know the feeling, and I "only" have three. Although I am better now than I've been in the past, I know all too well that feelings of depression, anger, boredom, frustration, being unappreciated, can all lead to the desire for a buzz, just to make it all go away, if only for a short time. Of course we all know that the alcohol just makes us more depressed, and causes a myriad of other problems. But in the moment your wife reaches for that drink, I'll bet all she can think about is wanting to feel better.

I share the concern others have expressed for the safety of your kids. Getting help for your wife is the best way to protect them...Not just from drunk driving, but from all the other issues that you know from your own experience come with having a parent with a drinking problem. I think you should tell your wife that you love her, that you're worried about her, and that you want to help her find a good therapist. She should probably be evaluated for the need for psychopharmacological help, too. An anti-depressant might help a lot.

Good luck to you both!

[startafresh]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

:welcome:Hello,
I'm sorry to hear you find yourself in this situation. In practical terms I don't know if it matters what name we use for this (and where your wife is). She may be an 'alcoholic' she may 'just' be drinking too much.

I can't answer all your questions, and what I'm going to say is not meant as some sort of 'excuse' for anyone's behaviour. It is just something to think about.

I've noticed that many mothers (in particular) drink too much. You wife has her hands clearly full with childcare responsibilities. It is no wonder that sometimes she feels isolated, (and yes, bored) and probably also depressed. (and I repeat, this is no 'excuse' for the drinking).

Only she can make the decision to start to give up. But what you might be able to help her with is other ways of finding a way out of isolation and boredom. Which interests does she have? Has she got time to herself sometimes/ (you know, get her hair done, apply for some work? hobbies? something healthy that you could say something encouraging about). This is not going to be the whole answer to solving the alchohol question, but it might be HALF the answer.

Good luck and thinking of you.
starta

[DadNeedsWisdom]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

I can't tell you how much all of your encouragement and advice means to me.

I wasn't expecting this level of support and I'm honored and humbled by it. It means the world to me. I don't plan on making this discussion board the sole source of my advice and support so don't worry about saying something that you are worried I might take the wrong way.

Here are some missing facts and answers to some of the questions you've all had:

-She is on anti anxiety meds and is under the care of a professional therapist that she claims she's started being honest with about her drinking. This started when the DWI lawyer told her to do everything she could to help her case including seeing a pro. The first several sessions with the pro she didn't bring up alcohol though and the assumption was that she had stopped. She told me about a week ago that she had decided to tell the therapist that she was still drinking. I though to myself "WELL DUH!!!", but I didn't say that. I just told her that I was proud of her for doing what she thought was best.

-Two days after the DWI she told me that she wanted to be able to tell the judge that she hadn't had a drop since the arrest. A week later was the big blow up...that's when she drove again (that second time and last time so far) with our 2 year old in the car and blamed me for it because I wasn't providing a "safe place" for her to drink. That's when I blew up and she committed to not driving drunk, but I've never heard her address what she thinks her "drunk" is and she doesn't have a license.

-We had a bit of a fight about three weeks ago that I can hardly move past. She asked me if I could help her "play the system" and tell the judge that she was no longer drinking when the time came. That question paralyzed me. I actually physically shook for the entire 45 minute conversation from the impact of it (remember- I'm a steady unemotional guy typically). I've never had a conversation that shook my foundation like that. I told her that if anyone else on the planet had asked me that question that I would tell them to F*** off, but since it was the person I love the most in this world that I would, with a broken heart and confused mind be forced to deny her request. I told her that I would like to think that I am the kind of guy that wouldn't lie to cover my own butt let alone someone else's. In the end she was sorry she'd even asked that of me and apologized for it. She saw my point and backed off. Now her plan is to have me tell the judge how much better she's doing and hope that suffices. God I pray she gives me more good news to report than what she's given me so far when I'm called to tell the judge what's been happening since the DWI.

-the anti-anxiety meds are for the post traumatic stress that's getting better, but is still there from a bad accident she witnessed and was partially physically involved in about a year ago. Two women were killed on the scene and several were injured. She suffered minor but quite painful physical injuries, but she's far from healed from the trauma of the event. That event is when the drinking issues really kicked in. My heart goes out to her...she being strong, but WOW I can't express how hard this has been on her. I feel like a total jerk for contemplating pulling the family apart if it comes to that. Does she deserve more leniency because of the circumstances that have lead to this? My head says no and my heart says yes.

-she's been drinking less per week since her dwi 2 months ago, but is still what most would consider a heavy drinker based on what I've read. This means it's rare that a day passes without her drinking and she drinks probably 10-14 drinks per week. Very rarely before 2-3pm that I am aware of. Never anything "heavy", but all wine.

-Someone asked if she has a hobby. Yes - She has an artistic hobby that she finds very rewarding and I purchased a small office for her 18 months ago as a gift so she can go relax and do her art. She there 2 nights a week on average usually with kids. That's how the DWI happened actually. Now that she's lost her drivers license I offer to take her there frequently and she takes me up on it much of the time. I help out more with our kids more than any other dad I've ever known. That doesn't make me a saint and I'm not playing a marter role, but as the sole bread winner I think it's worth mentioning that I also take on at least half of the "kid" duties...including ALL of the errands, doc aptmnts, dentists aptmnts etc. now that she's lost her license.

-after the DWI she sat our kids down in our living room without any prompting from me (thank God for that wisdom) and told them she was done drinking and apologized for having put two of them in mortal danger. Since then she has supposedly had some conversations with them where they understand that she's only drinking "sometimes". She hides it from them very well (very easy to do).

It feels very good getting this all out...There is literally NO ONE on earth that knows all of these details and it does me so much good to get them out there.

I'm at a bit of a loss TODAY. We are on vacation for six more days (a vacation she just informed me we were taking at a destination I would not have chosen) and she had a noon drink at lunch and then debated very long and hard about ordering number 2 (I can tell by her mood and the way she treats me that she's getting mad at me that she can't just order another without me being "upset") so she instead went up to the hotel room to take a nap with the youngest child leaving me with the other 4 (I really don't mind), but I'm pretty sure she ordered one or two more while there...not sure what I get to deal with tonight.

Prayers are appreciated.

[CS04]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Dad,
I have been reading your story with much emotion. How old are the children?

p.s. I had a DUI 14 years ago; before I was married/kids and no one in the car but me. But I understand the shame and difficulty and expense of legal crap; suspension of license, etc. It was also the day after I had received my master's degree, so more emotional intensity. I would encourage your wife to get on these boards -- she will find all the love and support in the world. We don't bite; we understand. All the best to you and your family.

[nancy]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

are you sure she only has 10-14 drinks a week? why was her blood alcohol content so bad when she was arrested?

sounds like you are talking one to two drinks per day.

you sound like a great guy, trying to do everything you can to help her, sympathetic yet also needing to protect your kids. you could never really trust her with a set of car keys, sounds like to me.

yet, she has needs too and has been through a lot of trauma. i know someone who was in an accident and suffered psych trauma. for some reason a psych therapy involvng rapid eye movement technique helped her.

if it's really true that the problem only came in the last year since the accident, I think there is hope.

Support her but don't sacrifice kids' safety. I do think you need to get a handle on how bad the problem is. I just read some material on the National Institute of Alcoholism that provided some ways of gauging the problem.

Good luck to you.

Nancy

[Marshy]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Hi DNW,

A few observations/questions:

Does she need some time AWAY from the kids, rather than taking them with her when she goes to her office? That doesn't sound like much of a break for her.

Has she said she wants to stop drinking? Because, unfortunately, until she wants to do something about it... she'll just carry on. Oh, and it sounds as though she's drinking much more than you think she is - although the quantity isn't necessarily the issue. If she does want help with her drinking, tell her about this site - or there are lots of other recovery forums out there if you/she wouldn't be comfortable if you were both posting on here. It's a good way to start to learn more about the problem.

Good luck to both of you.

[DadNeedsWisdom]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

RE: her alone time
she goes to her studio to do art by herself frequently. She seldom complains about not getting enough time to herself. She sleeps in as late as she wants to daily as well and I encourage it for her healing. The meds she is on also requires her to nap almost daily. I offer to take her to her studio more often than she goes. She still goes to get her hair done frequently and gets massages monthly etc. I'm trying to be very aware of her time alone needs, but if you have suggestions or if it sounds like it's not enough etc. I'm open to doing more than I am.

Since the DWI I feel like sometimes she takes kids with her to her studio so that I'll not be nervous that she's walking to nearby restaurants to drink. To be honest I'm relieved when she takes a kid or two with her and she honestly loves having them there because in her words "she hates to be alone" there. I'm talking about the lower maintenance kiddos (we have three of those) that she takes and can still get work done while they play games etc. I need to be able to let go of that though. It's controlling of me to think that way.

RE: inviting her to this website forum
I'm pretty sure some of the things I've said in my posts might do more harm than good if I invite her here, but I may just delete out my posts for her sake if she decides to come here. If the moment presents itself I will invite her onto the boards and explain the situation. She'll likely be quite pleased that I'm seeking advice and counsel from some current and past heavy drinkers that are now moderate or non-drinkers. All my advice was coming from non-drinkers solely and she resented that I think. I doubt she'll be interested in your advice though...although I could be wrong. Most of the time she very convinced that there is no issue at all on her end. I'm the one with the problem from her perspective so I'm the one that should be here. I know that she's partly correct, but it's 50/50 at best from my perspective. She'd say it's 90/10 my problem (I over react to alcohol and am too controlling she'd say).

RE: how much she drinks
Like I said - she's been drinking less since the DWI, but my main concern is that is seems to be "ramping back up" slowly right now in spite of her resolution a couple weeks ago to appear before the judge (in 2 weeks) and be able to say that she's alcohol free since the DWI. I'm so sensitive to it though that it's quite possible she's managing it well and I'm just not seeing it. Since she quit for several days (after the DWI) and then started up again I'm hyper aware of every sip she takes. I know it's possible for her to handle alcohol responsibly, but I don't hear her making any stiff resolutions such as "no more than two per day" etc.

RE: drinking last night after she went up to nap.
There was a hidden empty margarita glass under the bed. She used room service to order it and I feel pathetic for snooping the first chance I got to see if there was a glass hidden in the room. I must stop doing those things for my sake and hers. Her hiding it is her issue. Me seeking out is a pathetic impulse that makes me feel small. I'm still giving her far too much control over my moods. I'm sure in her head she's protecting me by hiding it. That's no way for us to live though. It's eating me up this am.

If anyone is still reading all these long detailed posts I'm grateful. Just typing it out there really does help.

[DeeBee]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

(((Dad)))
Your posts have really touched me.
You are a good man, a good husband and father for coming here and seeking advice.

[startingover]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Hi Dad, I have read them all, and also been very moved by them. I havent made any comments because I really dont have any advice. I would like to say that you sound like an exceptional husband and dad and I really hope and pray that things get easier for you and your family soon.

[irish eyes]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Dad
I have read your posts and your stress is almost palbable, my heart goes out to you. In many ways you remind me of myself many years ago when I was married to my ex who was alcoholic and all of the issues hurt and pain were there. You sound like a very supportive husband and good father but I just wonder who is there for you? Who is giving you the help and support that you need at this painful time. I know MWO is excellent but you do need more. I spend many years going to Al Anon ( for spouses and relatives of alcoholics) and I do believe that without them I would not be around today. I do not have children but I do know many who had, and they found Al Anon helped them enormously. Members learn that there are things they can do to help themselves and indirectly to help the problem drinker. Changed attitudes, which come from greater understanding of the illness, may result in your wife seeking help.
I would urge you to go to your nearest group or get counselling for yourself and in turn your children will benefit. Alcoholism is a baffling cunning disease and destroys everyone that comes in contact with it. By the way there is an excellent little book that is used in many treatment centres for alcoholic partners you can get it in any book shop 'Getting them Sober' by Toby Rice Drew vol 1. There are a number of volumes but volume 1 will change your life. Feel free to PM me anytime and I hope things get better for you.