Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

[Winefree]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Hi Dad, I have been reading your posts since the beginning and you have gotten a lot of support and wisdom so far. I identified way too much with your last post and must respond however. ( I already had a long post going, but typed too long and got kicked out, so here goes again.)

I too didn't feel like I had a problem. My husband did and I denied it. He said then WE have a problem and I just ignored that statement. I felt I was an adult and entitled to have a few drinks each evening after work. I was in denial for a long time, even though deep down, I knew that alcohol was an issue for me. I would try to cut back and would say each morning, I won't drink today, but each evening, I couldn't help myself and would stop at the package store. It is the disease that was talking to me and I had no control over it, even though I thought I could.

I too would hide booze around the house, but 2 bottles of wind and hide one, so he wouldn't know( or so I thought). It wasn't his business anyway know was it? So I couldn't talk clearly after a while, didn't bother me. And yes, I tried to cut back, but it was of no use, since the disease was running the show.

I too was upset if he tried to count how much I would drink, so I would take empty bottles and discard them around town in garbage bins so it wouldn't appear that I drank as much as I did. Who was I trying to kid anyway?
I was also resentful if he tried to check up on me.
It wasn't until I hit my bottom(he walked out), that I decided to go for help.
Your wife hasn't hit her bottom yet, even with the DWI. So she is not ready.
Please protect yourself and those precious children.

Would your wife read some books on alcoholism? I have been reading many and am amazed how I fit into the picture of alcohol abusers when I never thought it could be true.
It is helping me alot, besides going to AA and a counselor.
Maybe some of the books would help you as well.

I am currently reading, Willpowers Not Enough, Recovering from Addictions of All kinds, by Arnold Washton. Although it was written a while ago, it still hits home. Even the AA, big book is still right on the money most of the time.

I hope this helps you and gives you some suggestions for her as well. I have many other books that might be helpful if you think she would take a look

Best of luck.

Winefree

[bloggy]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

I'm still reading too Dad- I don't have anything to add- except I agree with what others have said, that she is drinking more than what she reveals/you realise, and she does not feel like she has hit her bottom yet, and thinks she has some control over her drinking.

I also used to resent that I was continuously hiding my drinking, and sometimes I was probably right- I would end up necking a strong beer in 3 gulps hiding in the garden, rather than sitting openly and sipping it on a nice night....I don't know if I would have drunk less by being able to drink openly, but I certainly would not have drunk so fast....

I agree that Al Anon would be helpful? You really should not be dealing with this alone- you are important too.

[Winefree]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Oh Marbella, yes, I forgot about the drinking it too fast in order to hide it. I resented that too, but then who made us do it?

Winefree

[bloggy]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Well, nobody made me do it- I did it- but as I see it, it was part of the condition- if I was going to drink it anyway, it might have on occasion been better if I could have sipped it openly rather than necked it back hiding behind a shed in 3 seconds...I don't know, because for so long I have hidden my drinking from many people.

However that actually would not have been my first choice- I have often felt resentment at having to hide it, to please someone else- I know watching someone you love drink- cannot be any fun, but I just feel if they are going to do it anyway hiding it is not always beneficial for anybody.

I kind of feel it is like braking a plate and hiding the bits in a drawer- it could be less dangerous to leave them where they were- in my opinion when a person is sneaking drinks it can lead to them drinking more rather than less.

[Winefree]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Marbella, I couldn't have said it better myself. Most likely we would have had less to drink if we didn't feel compelled to hide it. Vicious cycle, isn't it. Definitely not a win-win, more like a lose-lose all around.

WF

[DadNeedsWisdom]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

anyone up for a PM...in a real dark spot right now...

[DadNeedsWisdom]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

I've got to type this out...wow I'm hurting and scared right now.

In a real tough spot with my wife tonight. She went for a massage and alone time today at about 12:30 and was gone almost five hours and had obviously been drinking when she returned. We are in a country where we have no cell phones and the only way for me to know how she was was for her to check in with me. SHe never did. When I showed relief that she was back safely she got angry that I hadn't listened to her when she said she'd be gone for a 2 hour massage. That makes no sense. The time line is way off. Basic math eluded her. I swear she never told me how long she'd be gone and the only time line she gave me was "lunch and a massage and I'll be back". Had I pressed for more info she likely have said I had ruined her day off. I think she made a point of not telling me how long she'd be gone though because she interprets my concern as her being monitored and she HATES that. She said "lunch and a massage and I'll be back". That doesn't take 5 hours.

I kept my cool, smiled and talked about her day in positive terms after she cooled. Reasoning with someone that's drunk is impossible anyway. I can't believe SHE was mad at ME. That is SO OFF! I tried to have a great evening in spite of all this, but at dinner she ordered a bottle of her favorite wine and nearly finished it at dinner in front of the kids. We were going to have a family movie after dinner (her plans), but she is now doing her "I'm not drunk" act crashing on the bed with kids piled around as I type. I deserve to be the one going to sleep right now but I guess I have kid duty.

I'm not sure how long I can do this. Our kids are having petty arguments right now and SHE should be handling it or at least helping but she's drunk on the bed asleep and/or stupid. Alcohol SUCKS.

This is sucking the life out of me. Is this really happening to me?

1 hour later update...

...and just as I get the oldest 3 off to bed in the room next door she's throwing up (couldn't make it to the bathroom), falling and mad at me because according to her I'm going to be a "jerk tomorrow about all this". The three kids that would have held her feet to the fire just missed the big show.

Is it enabling to wipe her face off and wipe the barf off the bed? If so I've just enabled.

My plan for the Am?
Get up, have a great breakfast with my kids WAY before she even knows what day it is and treat her like a queen with my attitude, energy and attention. It's like it never happened because I know she already knows and my words can do no good (we've proven that over and over). Her decision, her consequence. I can't control or change this and I didn't create it.

It's almost like her barfing gave me a clarity and peace. I now know she'll know she screwed up and there's no pinning it on me because I was a total saint today (she can be creative though...we'll have to see how this plays out).

God my hotel room smells like alcohol barf now. Give me wisdom dear Lord because I've never needed it more than I do right now this very night with my precious bride reeking of alcohol and barf, a pending court date, 5 "clueless" kids and one hurting man that could really use a big dose of wisdom and strength.

[startingover]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Dad, my heart is going out to you right now.
That is an impossible situation. I dont know what to suggest, just that you are coping admirably. I am not sure I would be so compassionate in the same situation. But then I dont have kids. I have been known to leave my husband in a cold bath when hes been drunk...I know he wouldnt do the same to me though....the thing is, whatever he did, I dont think I would have sobered up until I was ready...and hit my rock bottom.
It does sound as if she is in complete denial about her problem though.
Does she remember throwing up? I would not have cleaned it up I dont think. But like I said, I dont have children...
Huge hugs to you Dad, I wish I had some words of advice

[bloggy]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

OMG Dad- I don't know what to say.....Well I do actually- when she wakes up with the hangover (and I DO empathise and sympathise with her 1000 times over) could you not just show her this thread?? That might make her realise just how much she is worrying and hurting you.

The horrible thing about this is she does not want to do it- whatever impression she gives, it is scary and it is making her ill- but she can't be without her alcohol either...

This morning the thoughts going through her head will be of shame and disgust at herself- she will try to blame anyone else to make her feel a bit better, she will be thinking Never Ever Again...but she also may be desperate to get another drink to try to deal with the hangover.

I really think you need professional help with this- you cannot deal with working, looking after 5 kids and a drunk wife too- eventually you will end up having a breakdown- then what will happen??

Maybe this morning when she is feeling sick and depressed you could tell her about the board? Tell her there are lots of women/mums here, and that we have many different ways of dealing with our drink problems, meds, supps, and she doesn't even have to give up altogether?

As you said if she agrees to come on you can just delete any threads you started if you decide not to show them to her.

Please be strong for you- get through this 'holiday' the best you can, and as soon as you get home get some professional advice and let her know you are doing it- it may just lead her to getting some help too.

If it is any consolation, many of us here have been very very bad with drink- I am lucky I never had kids, and my BF was very much into his own interests, and my family live 1500 miles away, so mainly I just hurt myself, but most of us do finally find a way to deal with it, and life can be good again.

You are in my prayers- please keep coming here- I hope it is helping you to a degree.

[DeeBee]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Last night, I read this sentence in my book (A thousand splendid suns) and thought of you....

"It always falls on the sober to pay for the sins of the drunk"

Strength to you Dad:-)

[gyco]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

hi dad i do hope it gets better for you and the kids,as far as your wife,she is no longer the lady you new,my heart goes out to you,theres an old saying in AA ,some will never get it and die,as of late ive told some im reading a new book,even tho ive been thru treatment i struggle,everyday but since treatment, and reading this new book,Healing the Addicted Brain,my alcoholism makes a lot more sense,kind of like your wife,her brain is so damaged rite now,she has no comprehension of what shes doing,if treated in its early stages ,healing is minimal,if she continuous,the out come not only for her,but for you and the kids will more of a emotional tragedy,as it is rt now,do wish you well gyco

[Beaches]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Dad, you are doing the best you can right now. It seems that after she starts drinking she immediately goes on the defensive and thinks that you are judging and controlling her so that no conversations can happen. Is there a chance for a conversation earlier in the evening about how's she doing? You are taking on a lot. That way she knows you are acknowledging the problem however not accusing. This may give her some time to take a look at her behavior and decide to make a change. I do know that if my husband threatened to leave me while I was drunk I would have opened the door for him. However when sober it would be a different story.

When I was given the space to breathe a little on my own, I stopped drinking. Each person is different. You know your wife the best.

Best of luck to you and your family.

[spedteach]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Have been reading your posts. It's like reading my story. I was your wife. My husband was you. I only had 3 little kids. Raising them was wonderful and stressful. My husband was the best father a kid could have. I drank all through their childhoods. It ranged from moderate to down right black out heavy. I drank everyday and had a million excuses for it including post traumatic stress. I drank and drove frequently, often with my husband in the car. Daily, I was left to care for 3 small children and I was f**king impaired. I hid bottles of wine all over the house. And yeah I did the room service thing.
My husband tolerated my drinking. He complained but still he tolerated it and I have to say he enabled me. When my sons got older, they were much more vocal about my drinking than my husband ever was. To me that felt like love.
My sons are all in their 20's now. I am very close to all 3. Am still married although couldn't say it's a close relationship. I try to live an af life. I know the cliche is true for me. One is too many and 1000 never enough.
Looking back, which I realize can be a dangerous thing, I wish my husband had pulled out all the stops. Say when the boys were 6 and 4 and 2, I wish he had said "you go in to rehab or we're out of here!". To me me it would have been the most caring, loving, albeit (love that word) difficult thing that could have happened. I needed a wake up call and I never got one. Still harboring some resentment I guess.
So that's my story. Sounds like you're "bending over backwards" at this point. My husband did that trick lots of times. I think it must get old and hurt like hell after a while.
Good luck.

[startafresh]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Yes, I've just read this through, 'DAD'.

You are doing really well. I speak as a mum never what some people call an 'alchoholic' but still with a habit that was really difficult to break. I haven't drunk consistently after I had children, but I did find myself using it to 'relax' and have only just i think 'kicked' the habit. Twelve days AF. Which feels like an achievement to me.

I've never put my child at risk - I don't have a driving license, I've never had one, no reason, just always hated cars. Life would be easier with one sometimes and I might learn, but I know I'd never EVER go behind the wheel having drunk anything. In relation to your wife - don't feel bad she's lost her license. It is the BEST thing if you ask me. She needs to get dry before anything else happens, and I'm really REALLY shocked she has gone behind the wheel with a two year old. (or any other human being for that matter).

Do NOT. I repeat do NOT cave in to her demands to make juries think she is doing better than she is. And be straight with her about that. Please. Your children's lives are at stake here. I really feel that in my gut. You need to be strong. Stronger than you have been. We will help you on here.

Also, I can't remember who said it, but you need to get a better handle on what the scale of the problem is. How many units of alchohol is your wife drinking (a day?) (a week?)
is it beer, wine, hard spirits?

I repeat Do NOT cave in to her demands. And DO NOT lie.

Best
starta:goodjob:

[LaBear]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Been reading your posts

Dad, I think you have numerous things going on here. Your wife needs help since it looks like she is in a crisis situation. It is more than the alcohol too. She is on meds, probably severely depressed and suffering from anxiety and PTSD. I know have been there. She needs some sort of an intervention and immediate help which she is not getting. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it doesn't get better but worse. She sounds like she is close to bottom but can not stop herself. I am sure she is drinking way more than you know hiding the bottles, etc. It does no good for you to monitor her consumption, she is only getting angry and will drink more as a result. I hope you can find a good place or doctor who will take the entire picture into account. I think she may need hospitalization for more than alcohol meaning a serious mental health issue that has spiraled out of control. My heart goes out to you both. I was overmedicated and suffering from PTSD but not drinking at the time. I had to go into a hospital for three weeks which saved my life at the time. I think your wife really needs help right now and does not realize the magnitude of her condition. Keep posting and good luck.