Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

[gyco]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

yo dad i have to come on and commend you,you are a rock,i keep following your story,you are so much like my better half,i told her to,she should of left a long time ago,daam your story could be hers,thanx to you,i would never of admited to anyone.that b4 now.hope the struggles improve,gyco

[retteacher]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Dad: First of all:

You might see her drink 2 drinks, but she's probably drinking more, much more.

I've been in Alanon for a long time & have learned a few things about enabling. I won't give you advice. I will tell you that in Alanon, we're encouraged not to clean up after a crisis or create one. We encouraged not to buy booze for the alcoholic. If you think the kids are in danger, take steps to keep them safe. Don't argue, nag, or try to reason. She must hit bottom on your own. You can't create a bottom for her.

Our son was an alcoholic/addict. We never gave him money. We tried not to enable him in any way. We always tried to stay loving & there for him. He has now stopped drinking & drugging & our efforts have paid off.

I'm going on vacation tomorrow & can't go into detail, but I would suggest you find out about an Alanon meeting either from the internet or the phone book. Going to a meeting is the best thing you could do for yourself & your family.

Mary

[Prest4time]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Hello Dad~
I too have followed this thread and I wanted to say hello and welcome. You sound like an amazing husband and father and your deep love for your wife and children is clear.

I too lived in denial for a very long time and I wanted to share with you what finally made me seek help -- it was my husband! Like you, my husband was very tolerant for a long time. As you have probably witnessed, the children become less tolerant the older they get. It will become harder for your wife to hide it and if she does not acknowledge her problem, it will become a huge relationship destroyer with the children in the years to come. Trust me.

One night we went out to movie with two of our three kids which were ages 15 and 7 at the time. Though normally a wine drinker only, I become nervous at the idea of having to sit through a movie in the evening without my beloved wine. Obviously I could not get away with sneaking a bottle of wine into the theatre, so I figured I was quite the clever thinker to sneak vodka in via a water bottle... who would know? I ordered a huge Diet Coke and generously made a potent cocktail which I could sip on the entire movie. Naturally I had to pee like crazy as soon as the movie was over, so my husband took the kids and said he would go get the car and pull up and meet me out front. Somewhere on the way to bathroom I realized I was totally drunk. I didnt feel it sitting in the movie. I got disoriented and wound up having two women help me to walk out to the car as I could not even walk straight. Can you imagine the stunned faces of my family as they watched me being helped to the car by two strangers? That was three years ago and I do not think my daughter has ever fully forgiven me, although I have never done anything like that again.

My husband sat me down the next day after I woke up around noon. He was very angry, but rightfully so. He told me that if I EVER pulled a stunt like that in front of the kids or anywhere that he would take our children and leave. He also said that I must immediately seek some form of help, or he would find it for me. For him, it was not up for debate. I saw that he was serious and he said I had to make a choice: alcohol or my family. My husband gave me an ultimatum. It scared the crap out of me and I knew he meant business. The LAST thing I could live with is losing my children. So basically, he scared some sense into me and it worked and although it was not fun at the time, I will forever be grateful for the strong stand my husband took. It was an act of love -- tough love, but I just did not have the strength to face the issue until that point. I got on the computer and started googling for an anonymous support group and found MWO.

I guess what I want to communicate to you is that I think you are going to have to deal with and confront this issue much more than you are. I know how much you love her but it sounds like you are a time bomb waiting to go off as you are taking on way more than your fair share of the child rearing, as well as giving her an insane amount of time alone... (remember, she chose to have five children too)... you seem to be taking on so much in an order to keep your wife happy and not rock the boat. I think there is a place for that to a point, but she is clearly taking advantage of your kindness, your taking the children for long periods of time so that she can so have lunch alone and get massages and then come home and point a finger at you. You are affording her a very nice life it sounds and there is nothing wrong with that in any way, but the fact that she is not working outside the home DOES give you a measure of how your money is spent. I just think you are really enabling her and I would strongly, strongly advise you to confront her in love when the time is right -- maybe while on vacation is not the best time. You have every right to insist that she get some sort of help as she has already put the lives of your children in danger and does not appear to have any desire whatsoever to get help. Just realize that if you do not confront this issue head on, you are sending a message to your children that this "okay" with you and you are willing to put their lives at risk because you do not want to upset their mother. It is teaching them to be co-dependent as well.

I think your wife knows good and well she has a problem but being completely honest about that truth will require her to change, something addicts fear the most. Please recognize what is truly going on here... she is being very self-centered at you and the children's expense and I am afraid if you do not really challenge her to face the facts, her rock bottom may come at a very high price to you and your children.

I have so much compassion for you and commend you for really seeking help for yourself through what you are dealing with.

All the best to you,
P4T

[spedteach]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

P4T
I am so happy for you, that your husband did that for you. And as I said before, the kids are often the ones to bring everything out into the open. In total agreement with your "time to confront" advice. Again, wish that had happened for me and my kids. Take note husband.
Your movie experience is one I just about share.

[bloggy]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

I know it probably isn't meant this way but isn't that kind of 'blaming the husband?'

As in, "My problem would never have gone on so long if you had threatened to leave me?"

What about the ones who's husbands threatened and carried out their threats...now we can say "I would have worked it out and been OK if you hadn't of left me..."

This is not a funny thread at all, but I couldn't help smiling as I feel this is a lose/lose situation for a husband.
Threaten to leave and he'll be bad...don't threaten to leave and he's bad...

Retteacher's advice regarding the AlAnon teachings sound much more sensible to me

[Prest4time]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

I dont really understand how it is blaming the husband; I just know that when my husband stopped enabling my behavior it forced me to have to make a decision that I otherwise probably would not have. It was never his fault that I had a problem with alcohol and I am a firm believer that we have to take responsibility for our own actions and not blame someone else for our addictions. I also very much agree with Re-teachers's advice as well. I am simply sharing my story... "my way out" and what worked to make me turn the corner so to speak.

Ultimately the wife will have to decide for herself if she truly wants to change, but in the meantime, I think Dad's generosity is being abused by the wife. I think giving her the outings alone while he babysits are a wonderful idea if they are are actually helping her to calm her emotions, re-group, be refreshed and HELP her, but it just seems rather that she is taking advantage of these times to isolate and drink without her husband watching or counting. I know for us, in our home, we had to establish some boundaries. My husband realized he could not force me to change if I did not want to, but he also drew a clear line as to what he would and would NOT put up with. I just know that if I came home drunk after being out for lunch and a massage for five hours that my husband would not be funding outings for me to go off alone anymore. I could still do it, but he would not be footing the bill. But that's just us. By my husband implementing some boundaries, it actually put me in a position to make some tough decisions that I had been avoiding. It also put up some protection for him and the children. Families function as a "system" and so someone who is single may not encounter a lot of those dynamics. We have to face the fact that if there is an alcoholic parent, the other parent as well as the children are enduring some level of abuse. It is crucial that the other spouse establish some boundaries. We went through a lot of counseling and this was one of the first things my husband learned that he had to do.

I am all for supporting and doing all you can for a spouse with an addiction; it is finding that fine line between support and enabling that can be so difficult no doubt, and I think Al-Anon is wonderful support system. I in no way blame my husband for anything. This is a journey that my husband and I continue to work on, learn and grow. Hope this makes a little more sense.

[bloggy]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

I wasn't really referring to your post P4T, (and I am happy his ultimatum DID help you) and nor really anyone elses verbatim, but Sp?dteach feels if her husband had spoken up it would have helped her- I can't help feeling for most of us that would not be the case...he'd be wrong if he threatened to leave, and years later he'd be wrong if he didn't

I know that is not going to be the same for everybody, but I can't help feeling for many of us (and certainly while we are in the throes of alcoholism) whatever he did would be wrong at the time.

[Cinders]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Bump.

I hope Dad reads Retteacher's post.

AlAnon is a good idea. To be with others who have the same issue helps so much.

Thank you, Mary, for responding to Dad.

Love,
Cindi

[Sheepish]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

I have read this thread as well- I hope Dad checks in soon.
Such a tough situation.
Wishing you strength
-Sheep

[cacky]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Dad, i am your wife. I thought nothing of driving my kids drunk (my goodness) anyway. i finally left my husband and my kids and got myself together. am i totally sober (no). i can tell you i am sober when i am around my kids who i have 50% of the time, when i am driving, when i go to AA meetings and when i go to work. I find very little time to drink anymore. My husband and i are finally on the mend. He admitted some things that were long overdue and we may actually start dating again. The good news is that i no longer put my kids or anyone elses kids in danger. coming from a drunk like your wife, you need to keep your kids out of danger at all cost and teach them what to do if your wife tries to get them in the car. I did take the initative and tell my neighbors and their school. So my kids know who to go to if they are ever in a situation like that. I have been at AA meetings where other AAs want to thank the cops who stopped them for DUIs because it stopped them from killing someone. I want to thank my neighbors from stopping me. Do what you have to do to protect your kids. Anyway from a drunk like your wife

[nancy]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Hi Dad

I think Prest4Time offers some good advice here. I hear what Mary says about letting people hit bottom but I think that would work better with a more distant relationship, like if was not your spouse or if you did not live with your spouse.

I really understand not wanting to be controlled. But your wife sounds like she is being immature here or maybe she's just so in the grips of the problem she can't see the way things should be. What Prest4Time said is right, families function as systems. She doesn't have the ability to just do whatever she wants right now, not with five kids and a husband. She owes it to all of you to get better. Of course she is doing this while feeling all the things Marbella spelled out in her posts.

But considering that your constant monitoring is making her resentful, maybe a more open confrontation or ultimatim is in order. Tell her you will help her deal with the problem. There are different kinds of methods and groups. You can say you have researched it and are open to them. Tell her the label of alcoholic isn't important. What is important and something she can agree with is that her behavior, her use of alcohol, is abusive and causing huge problems, like a DUI. Offer to send her to an addiction specialist.

Don't judge her, just say you care about her and have certain limits for the good of the family as a whole. That's not controlling, it's being responsible. For now you are just putting out fires for the family, like cleaning up her sickness. I don't think that's enabling. You are trying to find a way to cope and could use some professional advice.

Good luck.

[Eve11]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

DNW,

How painful for you and your family. I know you've heard that only the alcoholic can help themselves when they're ready. That's true but I recommend encouraging your wife to come to this site at My Way Out and lurk around, read, and see what she thinks. She may stumble across someone's post that really speaks to her and may decide to make some changes in her life after she reads about others with similar struggles.

Good luck.
Eve11

[cacky]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Ive been rereading the posts on this thread.

Gyco- im reading healing the addicted brain too. i really like it.

Dad..i think Alanon is really the right place for you to go. Also if your wife wants to look good for the judge having her husband say that she is doing better isnt going to do that. Going into treatment, attending AA meetings..really taking action will be the only things that will mean anything.

[DadNeedsWisdom]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

I'm still here and still valuing all the advice and feedback. We've had more "good" days than "bad" and there are a few false assumptions among the feedback I'm getting from some of you and I'll be addressing those when I get a chance, but overall it's been amazingly helpful hearing from all of you as I face this.

My big questions today are:

-Can I live with a "healthy" drinker...whatever that is...IF/WHEN she gets to that point as she's verbally committing to.

-Am I being fair to her as she starts to handle AL better than she was a few months ago? i.e. After her first drink I find myself HATING the way she acts. If her second drink comes in close succession it about drives me over the edge and for now I'm hiding it, but should I be? Don't most normal healthy drinkers do that all the time? She keeps saying "it's not kool aid - I'm going to act a little differently when I drink".

-How far am I willing to go if she doesn't do better? That's the scary one for me, but there has to be a line somewhere.

[Preciouspinot]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

You can live with a healthy drinker but, your wife is not a healthy drinker

Don't hold back your feelings...you have every right to feel the way you do and she deserves to know what you feel. If you hold it in you will end up becoming resentful towards her.

The line you draw has to be from you but, share with her AHEAD of time where your line is. Maybe that will be enough inspiration for her to take a serious look.

All that being said, I am very similar to your wife. My drinking has been steadily climbing for some time now. I can have periods where I moderate well but, these periods usually don't stick for very long. A little over a month ago I over did it at a party that I was at with my hubby. I embarrassed him pretty badly and needless to say he was none to happy. I was in a blackout. Good for me he decided to discuss the matter with me the next day when I was sober. He told me how he felt and that if it continued he would not be around to see my further decline. He did not yell but, told me very matter-of-fact. I believed him. I went to an AA meeting that night and to the hospital the next morning after that. I have been sober for a lttle over a month now. I respected his honesty when he told me. I needed to hear that I wasn't doing a really good job of hiding very much.

If you want to talk or ask me any questions please post or PM me. I think you are a really great husband and I commend you for trying so hard and trying to understand our insanity. Sometimes we don't understand this shit ourselves