Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

[Winefree]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Agree with PP. You need to decide your bottom line and she has the right to know when she is sober and can "hear" you. Maybe it will hit home for her. If you give her a consequence, you need to follow through with it.
My husband did a lot of suffering in silence and not talking to me and I was too busy with my little drinking world and in denial to want to see. Until he walked out. If I knew the bottom line and would have had a choice to make and wasn't given that chance.

Winefree

[Peacetoall]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Dad,

I read what you are going through so I signed up to let you know that you are not alone. Everything you described has happened to me with my drinking wife. We have a 6 year old daughter.

We have been married for 12 years and after a couple of years I noticed my wife was drinking a small bottle of wine per night. This increased over time and I realized I was married to an alcholic probably at the stage your wife is right now.

Your stories and feelings are very familliar to me.

For us it did not get better, it got worse. She tried drinking less when I raised some concerns about it, but this was only a statement from her to me, the drinking was just done behind my back - which was impossible to hide as she was wrecked out of her mind every night even though she stated she had only had a couple. I too resented the stupid stuff she would say and was embarrased to be around her if we were in public. She was always sick in the morning.

The drinking might slow down for a few days after she did something crazy and embarassing but then would return to the normal level.

The evidence of the drinking would be found in forms of half full Vodka bottles in the washing machine or under the bed etc. The financial cost was growing as booze is expensive. I tried cutting down the amount of money available to her but she always found a way to get it.

I used to go out and get her booze because I had seen her drive drunk and had found her a few times passed out in the car at the liqour store (with the engine running), passed out at the bar in the washroom, picked her up from the drunk tank (jail) a couple of times. I was afraid of others safety yet didn't call the police. We were evicted from a rental house due to her drunken crazyness.

During all of this she admitted she had a problem and went to detox. I was happy. Then she relapsed. Detox and relapse was a cycle that happened about 6 times over a 3 year period. Talk about ups and downs for me.

I finally realized that I can't control what she does and cannot feel responsible for what problems she causes around her. I can leave her or stay and I've chosen to stay.

The more I ignored her drunkeness the more she realized she was on her own with her problems. Of course she used every trick to make me feel bad and bring her pain into my life when she was drunk.

She stayed sober for a couple years and we had our beautiful daughter during this time. Then she went back to drinking after our daughter was one.

She has been sober for the last three years with the ocassional slip a couple times during that time. Of course she is a changed person (the one I fell in love with) when she is sober. When and if she slips all the bad emotions and fear for my daughters safety come flooding back.

She started drinking again the last couple of weeks, (thus why I came across this thread as I find reading are writing about it helps}.

I am away from home for the next few months. You never know what to do as you are helpless. What a spot to be in. There are no answers. I try to put my mind onto other more possitive things and pray my daughter is safe and that my wife won't go back hard into it like she was. She is already talking of going back to AA which is great but I've learned never to get my hopes up.

What a life! My positive thoughts go out to you and all of us that booze has such a grip on. One thing I don't forget is that I do love my wife and she has an illness that she is trying to fight.

I believe your wife will figure it out too, but it will happen in her own time. (Which is the hardest thing to accept, the waiting and wanting for her to get better and seeing the success and failure). Hang in there and spend lots of loving time with your kids.

[Cinders]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Peace,

Wow.

Thank you for that post. Alcoholism is such a selfish disease. When we are in the midst of our worst, all we can think about is ourselves. We don't even realize it because this disease is so confusing and baffling. (Cunning, baffling, powerful.)

It is very good to see from the eyes of a loved one and I will come back to your post from time to time as I am tempted to give into my disease.

Prayers for you and Dad and your wives and children.

Cindi

[Prest4time]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Peacetoall,

Thank you so much for what you shared. If you did not help one other person, you helped me. It is important for all of us to know just how selfish drinking can be... especially if you have children who depend on you. It is also helpful to understand the pain we are causing our spouse. That is what really touched me about your post. Please know the crazy stuff she says when drunk is not her true self, or her true heart. There is nothing worse than waking up the next morning.. feeling sick... knowing your spouse is mad at you, but you cannot remember what happened. Cinders is right -- alcoholism is selfish. Drinking = checking out.

Sounds like your wife has fought really hard for her sobriety and had some long stretches of being sober. That is a good sign, so I hope that gives you a lot of encouragement. From the "other" side, I just want to say that this addiction does not mean she does not love you. I have heard so many times people say, "If you really love me, you will stop." It is not that simple.

It is a journey, and most of us slip and fall as we learn to walk. Do not focus so much on the falls if they are sandwiched between long periods of being sober; rather the fact that she is getting back up after them. (though I understand it scares you)

Maybe no one else would have stood by her and supported her to the finish line but you, and that may be what ultimately helps her turn the corner forever. Keep up the good fight and I too hope that your wife and daughter are safe while you are away. Just send her lots of love and check in a lot.

Dad.... hope you and your wife and family are doing well too. Hope you check in soon because we all care and want to support.

[Tulipe]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Hi Dad,
How's it going? Without a doubt your wife is overwhelmed by caring for 5 kids - what are their ages? I have two, and the inability to predict their reactions and the constant attention they demand drives me nuts. It's mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy. Pile a DH who wants to take away AL on top of it and it creates the following pattern - if I can't drink in front of you, I'll get you back by having it out of your sight.
I walked into the doctor's office on my own and asked for help with going AF - I had campral which helps with the cravings and had something to help with the anxiety. When and if she decides to go AF, it should be under the care of a physician as the withdrawals can be damaging to among other things the heart. I am on Day 7 AF at the moment and feeling strong. But I walked in on my own. Why? The cumulative guilt involved in living a lie exceeded the constant desire to drink - plot it on a graph and you'll know what I mean. Also, on YouTube there are videos of drunk people. He threatened to film me drunk, and that terrified me too. If there's one thing I value it's my reputation. Also our 9 year old starting saying things that made me realize that she knows there's something wrong with me. I really want to be a good mom, so that was another wake up call.
Now I am dealing with DH's rages - and although he can be a controlling bastard he is a good husband. Now I don't mean that by DEFINITION he is a controlling bastard, but he can treat me like a 5 year old and I HATE that. I have this fear that he is going to leave me, but he says he is not. He says he loves me, and I love him purely madly deeply. He is saying some terrible things, and they hurt so much. He has said sorry, but it makes me cry to think about it. So be it.
But, I am doing this because I WANT TO. I want to be strong.
Until she wants this too, I see it as unlikely that she will change. But for you I hope for the best and as I am a newbie I could be wrong.
PM if you wish.
- Tulipe

[macca]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

hi dad,
you have had a tough time of it since i last read and commented. you need to let her realise what she is doing so if she is sick don't clear her up, even if she is lying in it, carry on with the kids and hire some help, tell her how you are feeling now as things will only get worse, some times tough love is the only way, as i have mentioned before resentment will kick in and the stresses you are all going through is awful i really feel for you i wish you all luck x

[Celtic Woman]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Hi,

This is my first post here and I too joined the forum because of Dad's story.

My husband drank for most of our time together. I become codependant and drank with him to a lesser degree. We had a wonderful relationship when we were sober 'normal' individuals and both loved each other passionately. We have 3 children and when the children were younger the drinking was very easy to hide, we had a good life, both worked hard, a nice home etc but our evenings revolved around drinking.

After a few years of this I took a look at myself long and hard and realised that I was not being the parent I so desperately wanted to be. I also had the added terror of the fact that my mum had died due to rupturing oesophageal varicies at 40 years old due to her own alcoholism. I considered the fact that i may leave the care of my children solely to my husband a quite terrifying prospect. So, I changed. I still drink but nowhere near as much as I used to.

I asked my husband to change with me but his journey was much, much harder than mine . He seemed unable to stop and without his partner in crime he worsened, as he began drinking in secrecy as well as publically. For several years with counselling support, and medical help I thought he was improving. However, he reverted back to old habits and became much worse with frequent blackouts, violent outbursts and many drunk driving expeditions with our children.

I cajoled. I supported.I threatened. I encouraged and I loved him with every fibre of my being but nothing seemed to help. He attacked me physically, he berated me, he urinated frequently on me in his sleep, he fell down stairs, he fought in public with my co-workers and almost wrecked my business with his behaviour. One day my daughters teacher called me into school and asked me to read the story she had written about her weekend...Whilst I had been out working my husband had taken our children out. He propped up the bar indoors whilst the kids played out in the dark beer garden. My eldest daughter( then aged 9) had been concerned for her younger brother's welfare and had tried to approach a stranger in the pub to ask advice about getting home safely because daddy was drunk. I knew nothing of this incident as she had not wanted another argument in the house.

This was MY WAKE UP CALL. I confronted him and of course, the situation escalated with all the typical blaming and illogical attempts to rationalise his behaviour. i gave him an ultimatum to get control of his drinking or leave. His response was to attack my 9 year old daughter and threaten to kill her.

What had become of the man I loved? The lovely, kind, caring soul with whom I had made these wonderful kids?

He left, and his world proceded to hit rock bottom, he lost his licence, his job, his home, his children, his wife, and everything which had any meaning for him. I feel awful that I had to do that to him. I was his only support, but I also had to look to the future. My loyalty above all else and my responsibility was to the children who have absolutely no control over the risks and dangers which were becoming a regular feature of our day to day life.

Two years on, we are a happy single parent family leading a normal life. I drink, in moderation and the children still see their daddy once each week but unfortunately have withdrawn from him emotionally. They don't have the depth of understanding as yet to pity his choice of alcohol over us. However they are happy, thriving children with a lightness of foot that they didn't have before and I know I made the right decision.

I tried. I failed. I lost the love of my life but I gained the respect, safety and emotional wellbeing of my children and their futures.

I hope Dad, that this helps in some way. I am not advocating that you leave your wife, but I am sharing the story of the worst outcome you can possibly imagine at this point in time.

[Beaches]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Celtic, I applaud you for getting better and most likely saving the lives of yourself and children. That is all that truly matters and maybe one day your ex will realize he needs help and if not you still have peace of mind that you have done the right thing.

[Celtic Woman]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Thank you Beaches. I am amazed at my strength and resolve to have seen the process through, and although I still love him, I love the kids more. I dreaded the day when he found someone else, and he has very recently. I thought I would feel jealous, but i just feel relief that someone else will mother him and support him, instead of me, like a massive weight has been lifted away from my shoulders.

[startingover]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Celtic, that is an incredible story, in it I see much of my own father in your husband
I dont know what else to say to you, except you sound like an amazing woman and your children are lucky to have you as their mum

[DadNeedsWisdom]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Celtic - Thanks for the PM. I just read your story (after I replied to your PM). You've been down the road that I'm mentally, physically and economically preparing myself to go down...but I'm not convinced that it's likely to come to that point. There's been no abuse (physical) - just some stupid decisions that she now sees as stupid. She's seeing a counselor, and while she's not giving the whole story to her counselor, she is hearing good solid advice...and she's in AA (to impress the judge, but still...it's having an impact hearing all those scary stories). She has some very good family oriented drinking friends that will quickly hop to my side of the fence if it means protecting her and our kids as well. She's been open with them about her struggles.

I still haven't had a drop since her DUI 3 months ago and plan to never drink again. Before the DUI she would have HATED me for not drinking...now she gets it and honestly holds no resentment about it towards me. That seems healthy.

I can't imagine raising 5 kids on my own (nor do I even know if I'd get custody based on her infractions), but I'll do my best to protect, love and stay strong for the benefit of my bride and my dear children that are the greatest gift life can give.

[DadNeedsWisdom]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Celtic Woman;642343 wrote: Hi,

I tried. I failed. I lost the love of my life but I gained the respect, safety and emotional wellbeing of my children and their futures.

Had to add this...

I see no failure on your part in your story. It's a triumph on your part. You can never control or change anyone and you certainly can't make decisions for another person. Your kids need to understand that they were fortunate to be raised by the strong right thinking parent and the failure was on the other side.

You DID NOT fail in any way...but you did lose something precious and my heart breaks for that.

[Celtic Woman]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

All I can say between my tears is ...thank you. It hurts still but it was right. xxx

[jonnyb]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

Your story could be mine- minus 3 children

:new:

I could not have penned a more accurate recounting of my current situation - down to the fact that we have been married 14 years. Bottom line - i do not know what to do other than be angry.

My wife and used to drink socially and somehow over the last year she has turned it into a vocation. I thoughtit was because of me - her lack of attraction, only having physical contact when she is totally in the bag (this was fine in my twenties but not in my forties). My children are not asking too many questions but they certainly see what is going on. My wife tried to explain that I was being unreasonable asking her to get her life together, that this was an addiction and would take time. My side is that it was not an issue several years ago - she created this addiction so she should figure out how to get it under control.

Any of you who are going thru this or have gone thru this- please provide your insight, be it hurtful or otherwise.

Regards

[Cinders]

Five young kids my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol

JonnyB,

she created this addiction so she should figure out how to get it under control

Unfortunately, that is not true. We all wish we were responsible for being addicts because that would mean we would be able to become nonaddicts. The thing we are responsible for is managing the addiction.

Is there anyway you could go to Al Anon? They can teach you about living with an alcoholic and not enabling the alcoholic.

I can't really say much more because I am an alcoholic and I have put my husband through hell for the last three years. It does break my heart. The guilt we feel for the damage we do to our loved ones is often one of the things that leads us back to drinking.

I hope you can find some answers and I hope others will chime in and give some better words of wisdom.

I also hope your wife can come to grips with her addiction, Jonny. It is a life threatening disease.

Cindi