Hi, New here

[June Bug]

Hello everyone. I am new here and am struggling to do my part to keep my marraige together. My husband is an alcoholic who is practicing moderation drinking. I am attending al-anon. What I am currently having an issue with is my overwhelming urge to analyze his situation using what I have learned in al-anon. I need help letting go and letting stuff happen. On the other hand, I feel that if I let things happen, my mental health and (I am starting to think) my physical health are at risk. He has admittedly verbally abused me and I am afraid that the next step is going to be physical. How do you stay with some one like that? I do love him, is that sick ???

[Marshy]

Hi, New here

Hi June Bug,

I don't have advice but just wanted to welcome you! :welcome:

I suppose if I was in your situation I'd be considering how long it's been like this, is it getting better or worse, can I have a conversation with him about my fears etc? But if I was scared... well, it's important to look after yourself.

What do the people at AlAnon say?

[nancy]

Hi, New here

Hi

I have never been to Alanon. But this loving and letting go seems to make sense if you have distance from someone, but not if you are living in the same house and if the person is a spouse. How can you let go of that? As you said, your safety is at risk.

I don't think it sick to love someone like that. But you have to protect yourself at the same time. I think it would be good for you to ask Alanon about this. But my gut instinct is that if you are being verbally abused and are physically in danger that you need to make a plan to get away and tell him you won't come back until he is completely sober. You love him but he is sick to the point where you are scared about your own well-being.
Do you have any family members you can talk to about this?

[hart]

Hi, New here

June Bug

I hear you hon. I am an alcoholic too but I'm a giggly, happy one. My hubby, if he drinks anything stronger than beer get's verbally abusive and lacks good judgement. He and his brother almost came to blows when we were in Ireland and he drank hard liquor then wanted to drive me and Evan (then 8 years old) home to his mothers. I wouldn't agree to it. He did drive home and thankfully nothing happened.

I told him if he ever drinks hard liquor again I will go to a friends or a motel and if Evan is there, he will go with me.

He's never hit me either but I've seen such anger on his face when drinking hard liquor, it scares me.

I feel for you and hope your hubby can stop and maybe checks this place out. :l

[paula]

Hi, New here

Hi June, welcome. I am an alcoholic and my husband never complains at me. He is thoughtful and understanding, my AA friend says that he is enabling me to drink. He quotes our marriage vows , in sickness and in health. Maybe if he was not so good to me I would sort myself out. Who knows.

[shelley1]

Hi, New here

i really identify with you there paula as my husband is the same...and while i am in no way blaming him for my drinking...he almost enjoys me drunk so he can regale tales the next morning of my antics,

[DadNeedsWisdom]

Hi, New here

I'm so sorry June Bug. Wow your story is making me cry.

I'm quite similar to you except I'm the husband instead of the wife in our home...and we've got 5 kids. My post is the one near the top of this forum section right now.

My wife is in a struggle with alcohol and gets mean often after just one drink. She's never admitted it though, but it happens. Fortunately she wouldn't have a chance if it ever got physically mean, but it still hurts so much to see her like that and have to take the verbal blows that come if I even look at her the wrong way.

In her defense she's not always like this, but it happens enough.

question-

Does he apologize afterward for the harsh words after he's sobered up? My wife does. I'm so sick of her saying "it's not kool aid I'm drinking - grow up - it has an effect and sometimes I'm going to say things I don't mean...sheesh!"

In her head I'm the one with the problem when she drinks...because according to her I'm, "just not as 'with it' as her drinking friends that 'get it' ". Do you alcoholics realize that you sound like 16 year old punk idiots when you say crap like that? Just because your have AL in your system does not give you a pass to become an idiot towards those that love you.

And then there's this...

I've never heard my wife tell any of her drinking friends that they should just get out of her life while she was drinking...funny how that works that only the ones that actually LOVE YOU get the brutal beating.

I feel the EXACT pain you feel and am also seeking the advice of alanon and this forum for help.

Does your husband know you are going to alanon? If so does that bother him?

Tell us more...and read the post I started a little over a week ago that tells my story if you are feeling alone.

We are not alone and we ARE NOT the crazy one in the family. There's a good reason they call it a disease, and abuse is grounds for drawing a line in the sand. There's no "disease" of over-reacting to alcohol. There is a disease that comes with AL though and our spouses are playing in that ball field.

My focus these days is to work on ME. I'm working out, eating better, feeling better physically, doing more for myself and am preparing myself mentally for the worst case scenario if it comes. That's just good living and you need to focus on YOU because that's all you can control.

Prayer is crucial for me as well. I keep telling God that she is HIS child before she is MY wife. It's his problem...not mine.

[bloggy]

Hi, New here

Dad. that last line hit a chord with me, and reminded me of 'The Work' by Katie Byron.
Katie's daughter is an alcoholic.

Katie's work is basically about accepting what is- if you do a google search you should find quite a bit of her work, there are a whole bunch of videos on You Tube-

YouTube - katie byron

I find it easier to understand by watching her rather than reading.

I find your last statement one that if we were sitting with each other in person could become a bit of a debate- "I keep telling God that she is HIS child before she is MY wife. It's his problem...not mine..."

Do you think God doesn't know that she is his child first? I find it strange that you think you need to tell him!

You say it is God's problem, not yours...Do you think God might think it is NOT a problem? That there is a reason she is on this path? I think we all come here to learn something- and as much as there have been awful low points due to my drinking I also think it has made me a stronger and more compassionate person than I might have been otherwise.

I think Katie B does a better job of explaining this than me

[bloggy]

Hi, New here

Sorry June Bug, I forgot to say Welcome....ditto, the link above- I found her work very useful in helping to accept situations we cannot change-

(I am the drinker in my relationship but that doesn't mean there are not things I would like to see change too!)

[cacky]

Hi, New here

June, i want to tell you as the drinker side of the relationship that there are two sides. My husband (who i had to separate from to get healthy) finally admitted to being part of the problem. All you can do is look at your interaction and keep yourself happy and healthy and your kids happy and healthy. We only recently started to talk because i removed myself from the very crazy situation i was living in (the combination of my drinking with his anger...he finally admitted to me and our children last week that the anger came first and the drinking started after that. my advice is find where you are comfortable but always look at what you need to do to be healthy with or without him

[cacky]

Hi, New here

Dad by the way..i dont like your tone. i dealt with many years of my husband's mental manipulation before i snapped so ...maybe i dont see what you are talking about but i dont like the way you are talking about "us alcholics" because i think "the alcoholics" here have been nothing but nice to you. No we dont like what we have done but at least in my case my other half does have some responsibility in the life we developed.

Im sorry you just hit a nerve. My husband finally realized that he had contributed to the problem. Not that he was the problem. We have a better relationship today than ever.

[bloggy]

Hi, New here

cacky;627496 wrote: Dad by the way..i dont like your tone. i dealt with many years of my husband's mental manipulation before i snapped so ...maybe i dont see what you are talking about but i dont like the way you are talking about "us alcholics" because i think "the alcoholics" here have been nothing but nice to you. No we dont like what we have done but at least in my case my other half does have some responsibility in the life we developed.

Im sorry you just hit a nerve. My husband finally realized that he had contributed to the problem. Not that he was the problem. We have a better relationship today than ever.

Agree- the tone wasn't nice...but I guess it is just anger that he finds himself in this situation and wants to take it out on whomever.

My drinking also got much much worse when I began my present relationship- while I am not blaming anyone else for my problem, sometimes partners don't help.

My BF never drinks but that does not mean his behavior is perfect.

[brittzak]

Hi, New here

I don't really have any advise either...but I can tell you am I a horribly mean drunk too. And I KNOW if my partner were to stick around and put up with it..I would probably keep dishing it out. I am like jekyl and hide when drinking. You have to take care of you. You can not fix him. He has to fix himself...guess I did have some advise.

[thirdsister]

Hi, New here

I'm confused...if partners, family members, friends, etc CAN be part of the problem...then what can we do to be part of the solution? Because from most of what I've read on this site, mostly from the words of the AL users/abusers here, is that there really isn't anything the non-users can do. Can someone help me understand how we can shoulder the responsibility for "causing" or "contributing" to the drinking, yet we are powerless to help heal it? Or is this just one of the many unfair paradoxs of addiction?

[mom2ajt]

Hi, New here

I definitely have ( or had) a drinking problem - not sure if I am an alcoholic or not but whatever. As far as family members go - a lifetime of experience with my parents taught me this. You CANNOT make someone stop - whether or not you are part of the problem isn't the main thing. You CAN change your own behavior. My parents went through this cycle for years and years and years before finally divorcing after 33 years of marriage. My mom tried pretty much everything to get my dad to stop drinking. Begged, cried, quit drinking herself for about 5 years, etc. Nothing worked. But, you know what? She totally enabled him.

IMO - things to avoid doing

1) threatening and not following through ("I'm going to ______ if you don't quit drinking")
2) telling them "it's ok" when they apologize for something they said or did when drunk - you know what, it is not OK. "Dad" is right on this one - it is not a free pass to act like a disrespectful teenager.
3) getting liquor for them ("Dad" - I don't think you should buy liquor for your wife BTW. If she drives on a suspended license and get's caught, honestly, she deserves it (harsh I know - sorry) (BTW I am not advocating driving when drunk - I mean when she is sober and decides it is worth it to risk her restriction to get AL)
4) clean up after them when they vomit, pass out, etc.
5) make excuses for them to others - even the kids. Let the kids see them as the total mess they are at the time (me included so I am not pointing fingers - my kids saw me like that and asked me to stop so I did).

I have been on both sides - wanting someone else to stop and having others want me to stop. I wouldn't stop just b/c my husband said "I wish you would drink less." For some reason when my kids said something I guess the time was right for me. It is not easy but it can be done. My sister is a complete alcoholic and gets wasted in front of my kids all of the time. I am trying not to do that anymore myself but I can't change what she does. I CAN tell her she can't drink around my kids or refuse to bring the kids over if she is drinking though.

I don't mean to come off as harsh or bitchy but we can't change others' behaviors. It is hard to dish out the "tough love" to our loved ones who have a problem (again, not excluding myself from being a problem drinker - I just happen to love others who are problem drinkers too ) but as a couple of other posters mentioned we can only change ourselves. IMHO it doesn't do problem drinkers any good in the long run by making excuses, buying them AL, etc. Letting us be the mess we are (without risking safety) may be the best thing that can be done. In the meantime, be kind to yourselves and don't place blame on yourself. Those with a drinking problem can find a million and one ways to justify it. Even some of the other posters here have wisely acknowledged that while their spouses or loved ones may have been contributing reasons to their drinking that certainly wasn't the sole reason for it.

Loving and supporting someone doesn't mean you have to enable their bad habits

Disclaimer - not that enabling is the reason we drink but it helps us be able to!