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    I need your support

    Good morning,

    I have found your site today and honestly, I never thought I'd be posting on a forum like this but I have nowhere else to turn.

    My partner of three years has just rung me after finishing work. Last night he flew into a rage and smashed up our bedroom. He had drunk two bottles of wine. He tried to smash the bottle on a bookcase and came at me with it, after turning our bed over. Fortunately for me, the bottle, miraculously, did not break, but I calmly said "if you come near me with that again, I'll call the police" at which point he smashed our broadband phone to bits, pulled pictures off the wall and smashed them so my upturned bed was covered in glass, and ended up running out the house. My eleven year old daughter and eight year old son were in the bedroom below ours, she was crying her eyes out... I didn't go after him, I held my daughter. He has never ever hit me, but obviously I feel it is only a matter of time. He walked 8 miles to a friends house, took him almost two hours. (no buses that time of night!). The police came, I used my mobile phone. They said I looked worn out, and like I had had enough. They are right. They went looking for him but he hid well! I didn't give them his name, he has a responsible job and I didn't want him being arrested (I'm in UK, women here don't need to press charges against their partners if the Police think they are at risk).

    This is a pattern in my life. I cry every day. I'm 41 and so tired I feel 55. So onto the phone call. He has told me he is an alcoholic, he wants to go to AA, and that drinking is killing him, and he doesn't want to lose the love I give him. He is so upset this morning. Problem: I've heard it all before. Except the AA bit, which he has never mentioned before.

    I am a strong woman. I do stand upto him. But I shouldn't have to. I know none of you know if he is sincere with this phonecall, but I am going off to meet him for a coffee now. I have told him that he has a choice... I, from now on, live in an alcohol free zone for the protection of my children's sanity. He accepts that. I said if he brings alcohol into the house, I would rather go to a refuge than be here with him. He is deeply ashamed that he has made me feel that way. My children love him, they told me so this morning, but they can't live like this. They say he is lovely when sober.... I know that only too well!

    So can any of you offer any advice for us? I desperately want to make things work, but I don't know, even now, whether I'll be bringing him home from our meeting as I am not sure I can take anymore.

    By the way, the argument broke out last night because there was a gorgeous picture of The Acropolis on the tv, and he was in the kitchen... I said "Babe, come and look at this" and he started shouting at me because television is beneath him.... Pathetic, isn't it?

    #2
    I need your support

    Tryphena........at this point you need to set some ground rules for this relationship........Tell him get his act together...go to AA or something. He needs to stop drinking. He can come here, but sometimes that is'nt enough, rehab, if needed is another option. You can't continue to stay in that relationship. It is effecting you and your children. Someone is going to get hurt eventually........I'll pray for you, please make your next move soon. IAD
    ?Be who you are and say what you feel because
    those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.?
    Dr. Seuss

    Comment


      #3
      I need your support

      Welcome Tryphena,
      For your own sanity and the sake of your children I do hope that he is sincere this time with getting help. The violence is very scary and alarming and I so believe that neither you or your daughters need to live in that type of environment.
      I think you have set good ground rules, that there will be no alcohol. I hope you realizes you are serious that he's gone if he breaks this rule.

      Good for you for making this change in your life.
      "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

      Comment


        #4
        I need your support

        Hi Tryphena and welcome.
        Does he realise he is about to lose everything very soon unless he gets help.
        Sometimes I think with alcoholics that element doesnt always register until its too late.
        You say that you desperately want to make things work. It has to come from him really. He is the one making things not work.
        I sincerely hope he is ready to get serious help or you may need to terminate the relationship for your own sake and the sake of your children.
        Take care.
        Living now and not just existing since 9th July 2008
        Nicotine Free since 6th February 2009

        Comment


          #5
          I need your support

          Hi Tryphena,
          I understand that you and your children love him. Although this is the case, I think that letting him back into the house may be a risk at this point. If he's serious about being an alcholic and not being able to control it, maybe rehab would be the better option. Then you would know he's serious about getting the help he needs. Also, it would give you both the time you need apart for awhile, as well as your children. Take care.
          Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

          Comment


            #6
            I need your support

            Tryphena, Alcoholism is a baffeling, cunning, insidious disease, in short it is a disease that tells you that you dont have it, e.g. both you and your partner can very easily go into denial very quickly around it once this crisis has passed. That is why it is really important that you get support and help for yourself, dont look to him for support he has to find his own way. There is loads of help and support out there for families of Alcoholics and it is important to educate yourself as to what it is best that you can do to help you without enabling the alcoholic to continue drinking. I would urge you to go to Al Anon or call a treatment centre as they usually have programmes for families of Alcoholics. A really good starting point is a little book called Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew. This a very isolating and painful time for you, please remember that you are not alone. Check in here anytime and feel free to PM me if you wish.

            Comment


              #7
              I need your support

              Tryphena - :l and welcome.

              I am so glad that you found this site and are reaching out for help in your troubled time. Please do not stop with us....there are other resources out there for both families of alcoholics AND for those who are victims of abuse. While I understand that your partner has not been physically abusive YET, abuse comes in many forms, and it does often escalate, as you have alluded to understanding in your post.

              For your sake and your children's, please be strong in your resolve to set limits, stay vigilant about your needs and their needs FIRST before your partner's, and I wish you well in your road ahead.

              Comment


                #8
                I need your support

                Wow, thank you so much for your replies. How lovely of you all!

                As far as getting support, I don't know where to turn. I'm in the UK, I don't even know if we have familial support here.

                He has come home and is convinced he can give up. But it will be harder than I imagine. His best friends he meets for a drink once or twice a week, and he says there is no way he can meet in a pub and drink soft drinks. So he is going to avoid meeting them, but I know what a wrench that will be, his best friend has been his friend for over 20 years. For him it's going to be a case of finding new habits and associations... for example, we watch a DVD and out comes the wine, we go for a picnic and out comes the wine, he sits in the garden on a lovely evening..... you guessed it!

                We went to the superstore and bought some white grape juices, and non-alcoholic wines. At the moment he is chilling out upstairs with that and his laptop. He is having trouble looking me in the eye at the moment... especially as he tore my artwork off the wall last night and that cannot be repaired. He hasn't come down to face my son since I picked him up from cricket practise. So all is a bit up in the air... I have been strong with him today, told him this is an alcohol free house now. If he doesn't like that, he'll have to go.

                I can't bear the thought of having to hold my daughter who is shaking with fear ever again.... When I told him that I cried and he didn't know where to look... he is deeply ashamed, but then aren't most acoholics the day after?

                Thankfully he has never been a secret drinker... because he has never acknowledged there is a problem. Is it possible an alcohol ban in the house will cause secret drinking?

                Comment


                  #9
                  I need your support

                  Hi Tryphena
                  Try this -
                  Home Page

                  Comment


                    #10
                    I need your support

                    Thank you irish eyes.... I have checked it out now and it looks like just the thing I was looking for. I'll give them a call when I'm alone tomorrow x

                    Comment


                      #11
                      I need your support

                      Yes. There is a very good chance he will start drinking secretly. I did when I finally owned up I was an alcoholic. Then another viscious cycle will begin.

                      I am worried you let him back. He is a violent drunk and he could hurt you or your children. What is sad is it is the alcohol and not him. Unfortunately, the end result is the same. He obviously drinks to blackout. In a blackout I have done things that are unimaginable.

                      If at any time you suspect he is drinking, quickly gather your children up and leave. After he sobers up, have him move out.

                      I am not saying this to be cruel. I am an alcoholic and I know how hard his struggle is going to be. The chance he will get it right the first time is very slim. Very.

                      I am not saying end the relationship. He could always come visit you when he is sober.

                      But, you do not want him living with you if he continues drinking. You are putting yourself and your children in danger. Period.

                      Right now, all he wants is to quit drinking but a few days will go by and alcohol's pull can overcome that resolve.

                      With some great luck, he will get it right the first time. AA may be perfect for him and help him right off the bat. I do know those who it has done that for.

                      I am not saying all is lost, even though it sounds like I am.

                      I am saying have a plan. A violent drunk is dangerous to you, your children and himself. All you can do is not enable him (so, no alcohol) and protect yourselves.

                      My heart goes out to you, just as it does my husband. Luckily, I have never gotten so violent, I tend to just be completely stupid. However, my husband does not enable me, will not allow me to drink around him and the rest is up to me. It is hard.

                      Many hopes for strength and his recovery.
                      Cindi
                      AF April 9, 2016

                      Comment


                        #12
                        I need your support

                        Hi Tryphena.

                        Here is a support group for families of alcoholics.

                        Home Page
                        Living now and not just existing since 9th July 2008
                        Nicotine Free since 6th February 2009

                        Comment


                          #13
                          I need your support

                          Tryphena, im so sorry about what you're going through. After his physical tirade last night (i understand that he didnt touch you but) i dont know if i would want to expose myself or my kids to him again unless he gets help. this could be AA, therapy..just something that can show you that he is working. its a terrible thing and i am sure he feels bad.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            I need your support

                            (((Tryphena))))


                            Hon, I could and would not live that way. I can tolerate a lot, Joe left me for another woman, then called me when she put him in prison to bail him out LOL. But one thing I will not tolerate is him acting like a scary arse in front of his son. And I also have a no hit tolerance, which I've never had anyone hit me since my father.

                            I wouldn't just tell him to go to AA, I would want to get him on anti-buse. One throws up if one drinks on it, that would stop him.

                            I'm so sorry for you and your children. Take care hon.:l

                            Comment


                              #15
                              I need your support

                              Hi Tryphena

                              You must have been terrified. It's very likely that he doesn't remember a lot of what happened last night. I would suggest you tell him everything he did (or write it down in a letter). It's important he understands exactly what happened and why you and the children are so upset. Drinkers are very accomplished at covering up black outs in memory.

                              Good luck :l
                              If alcohol made you happy I should be the happiest person alive! I'm not.

                              Comment

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