I need your support

[Determinatrix]

I need your support

Tryphena - I only read your post and no one else's responses, so forgive me if I repeat.
Three years. This is not a life time. I do not intend to diminish any wonderful love you may have shared with him.

Let's get to the important issue: is this what you want for your children? You are teaching your son what to expect in a man. You are teaching your daughter what to find attractive in a mate. If this is hard for you, as an adult, imagine how hard it is for them. Imagine their hearts wanting to protect their mother from pain, physically and emotionally. It is too much to ask of them.

I strongly recommend you get out. Send your kids to family or friends until you can meet up with them. Sit down with him sober and explain that while you love him, you cannot put your kids thru this one more day. They deserve better. And if he wants this family, he needs to take the time to get his act together. Pack up your necessities and go. Send movers for the remainder, if needed.

You children's physical, mental and emotional safety is Number One. This is not a safe environment.

I wish you strength to do the right thing here. You will be a better mother for it and your children will breathe a sigh of relief knowing that you care about their safety.

I hope you receive this in the manner in which intended, with respect and kindness.

Dx

[Tryphena]

I need your support

Morning people,

OK... I have read all the replies and you all have sound arguments for leaving him. But financially I can't leave. I have no money to get somewhere else and we don't own our house. If I wanted the relationship to end, he would go. He wouldn't like it, but he would go. Like I said, sober he is a very intelligent, logical, reasonable man and if I wanted him to go, he would understand.

Bottom line, I don't want that. I appreciate what you have all said about the children, and they have been unsettled after a very acrimonious divorce. They are finally at a school they love, with good friends and we live in a gorgeous area. I have to consider all that. And alcoholism is a disease, for which I feel a responsibility to help him with.

Last night we talked a little. It was difficult as he was very tired and irritable. I didn't push the talk... I had left a few "reminders" of the night before, such as a pile of broken glass, broken phone etc. So he couldn't avoid the issues. However there is one thing I disagree with you all on... he does remember everything. Every word, every movement. I tried to explain how it felt when someone comes at you with a bottle. He said it was all for effect, he wouldn't hurt me... he once picked up a kitchen knife and thrust it toward his own stomach, I screamed, police came (neighbour called).... he said it was to show me his despair and was acting out how he felt in a Shakespearean manner. How could I know that at the time? But he was fully aware of what he was doing, and obviously didn't stab himself... sober he can see how it looks, but drunk, he can't. He is still lucid when drinking, I've been out with him and people have no idea he's been drinking.

He has never told me he is an alcoholic, until yesterday when he made that call. He says he knows alcohol is killing him. I have to believe him... for the moment. He didn't have a drink yesterday. I picked him up, and he came home and he has gone to work this morning. He has asked me to pick him up today. I do have definite ground rules which he is aware of. In the meantime, he has definite expectations of the support I can offer him. And I have agreed. But he knows the very first time he takes a drink, he's out of here. He loves me very much, I know that, and I love him... sober. Drunk, I hate him. I have told him that every time he acts this way, a little bit of love goes, and I am running on my last bit at the moment. He can see how "rundown" I feel. I look tired!

Before I picked him up yesterday, I spoke to my kids about it. I was honest and open and they respect that. Like I said, they want to see him well. So as a family we are going to give it a go. Tonight, he has to sit with them and explain what he is going to do to get well.

I promise you all, we are in the last chance saloon.

[Popeye]

I need your support

Hi Tryphena,
I am very sorry that you and your family are going through this. Unforunately it is a part of life for many families affected by alcohol. In my worst days, to my shame when I was drunk and felt I was being controlled I would sometimes lash out at the walls and doors. I don't know how many time I woke up with my knuckles burst trying to remember what the hell happened. I couldn't see it at the time but my then wife was only trying to get me to see what I was becoming (or had become) which I didn't want to face, but deep inside, I knew that one day I must.
I didn't see the effect that must have had on my kids. I couldn't see how they could be affected by what I was doing. I was a good 'dad' the rest of the time and we had a lot of fun together, all of us, but I was negating all of that on a regular basis.
If he is serious about stopping this, which I'm sure he will be at the moment, then there is a good chance that you can patch things up. One thing that worries me though is that you mention an irritability on his part. He is the wrongdoer here and as such should at least respect that fact. I know from experience that it's an uncomfortable position to be in, but a little humility on his part would help him too. You may find yourself walking on eggshells, trying not to mention the events that led to this and it may be taken as a sign of forgiveness; that everything will be alright. I remember always thinking this, and it made it easier for me to excuse myself the next time I drank, and if I didn't beat up on the walls, then I was cured. I was constantly on the lookout for reasons to start drinking again. It's just the way it worked on my mind. One good week = sentence served = getting back into my normal life, which meant having a drink because I had been a good boy.
Well times have changed and so have I. I'm on my own rebuilding my life again, with modest success. I rue the day that I started drinking. It almost did for me.
You all have my best wishes.

[Tryphena]

I need your support

Popeye, thank you for your honesty! That has helped me a lot.

He is irritable, yes, but trust me, there are nowhere near as many eggshells as when he's had a drink! I can live with it, because it quickly dissipates when he is sober. I even managed to make him laugh today! With regard to the humility, he does know he is the wrongdoer.

My main problem is I don't want to be constantly on at him about things... I know it's hard but I don't want to be reminding him all the time that he isn't drinking. I'm giving him lots of free time, at the moment he is playing chess upstairs on his laptop, but I feel a bit of a babysitter at the moment! I don't fully trust him not to drink, but I have to check in ways that are not obvious. The house is alcohol free, but I'm picking him up from work every day and it's only a matter of time before he'll find that suffocating!

[Tryphena]

I need your support

I forgot to say - lashing out at walls and doors.... we've had that! He slammed the front door so hard all the glass broke, and he has just had 8 weeks off work (he's back on a phased return) because he kicked the kitchen cupboard. It didn't hurt, nor the next day, but he went to work the next morning and couldn't walk. He broke his big toe in two places! Not good. And still he didn't give up the drink. That's why I think he is serious now.

[Evie.Lou]

I need your support

I agree with Cinders !!!
please don't let yourself be in a dangerous place because of your emotions !!!
Time to use your "GOOD SENSE" and realize this is gonna be a long process of recovery for both of you.
There is nothing easy about alcoholism.
Alcohol can take over even the BEST of intentions so it's really time to look out for yourself FIRST !!!
You sound so sincere and caring..you'll get thru this and we can help !!!

[Tryphena]

I need your support

Is it possible for moderate drinking to work?

[cacky]

I need your support

Tryphena, i think modding can work but i have to reiterate what everyone else is saying. take it from a bunch of drunks....it is very rare to just change like that. the knife incident alone i think sounds very manipulative and scary. do yourself a favor and dont let money be the reason you stay...also a sense of devotion should not keep you there.

just an FYI. you are speaking for the most part to people who have been on your b/f's side of the fence and we are nervous for you.

anyway..there are alot of people on this site who mod. i havent been successful at it. hopefully you get some real advice from them.

Good luck

[Tryphena]

I need your support

Thanks Cacky. In three years I have related only the two worst incidents, and during those I haven't been harmed... physically, anyway. Money is not the reason I am staying, it is a consideration, but not the reason. I stay because I love my b/f and he is not a bad man - sober, I have seen him rescue a fly from a glass of water - rescue animals from the jaws of my cat - he is a kind, caring man.

He hasn't had a drink since last Wednesday night. He hasn't gone through withdrawal either. He was a bit grumpy the first two days but that seems to have passed now. (Got to say, he looks about 3-4 years younger in his face than he did last week!)

I just was reading about moderation, and wondered if we kept to the AF house rule, but maybe once a week he could go for a pint on the way home from work to have the chill time he craves - if that would work?

[Long Road]

I need your support

Tryphena. I'm sorry 2 have to say this but I know how I was. Promises,promises. I wasn't married, certainly not violent or abusive, although I suppose it may have reached that point. God knows if anyone can really get sober without an"island" I was lucky enough to have one

[sparrow]

I need your support

Hello Tryphena.
Just one thing to offer go to al-anon, please go to al-anon. Search a meeting in your area on the web and go atleast 6 times if you dont like one meeting go to another one.
Whatever you think al-anon is its probably not. My son is an addict so is my brother I am ok.
The program (in my opinon) is so great I do not know where Id be without it.
God Bless we are here for you. You'll be ok

Sparrow

[Determinatrix]

I need your support

I have been in your shoes, Tryphena. I am one of the lucky ones. I am so damn lucky that my husband found his way out. Not a day goes by that I am not grateful for all his hard work and determination to maintain a sober lifestyle. I am in awe, actually.

We slugged it out thru ten years of marriage. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I wasn't even the one doing the hard work. The last year and a half of him being sober has been a dream.

I am hearing a lot of justifying. I am hearing a lot of you covering up for him; trying to make it sound better than. I see it because I have been there.

I definitely recommend al-anon. You need to see the part you play in this dance.

Dx

[veritas]

I need your support

Tryphena, my heart goes out to you. Your fear is very real and I do think that you feel helpless.

Thing is, in reading your post, I am reading my childhood. I am hearing the shattering glass, the shouting, the tight grip of utter terror.

You are living your life around your husbands drinking. It controls your mood, your behavior, your identity. The problem is that alcoholism is not an individual problem, it is a family disease. Go for help, not for your husband, but for youself. As long as you are living around trying to control his drinking, you are not living at all.

In the meantime, let us all give you a big, understanding hug.

[irish eyes]

I need your support

Tryphena, I have just read Veritas post and it prompted me to say that the constant turmoil and drama that sorrounds alcholics causes the family to stop noticing what is going on with themselves. There is always something more important happening...another crisis. It is important to focus on your own thoughts, behaviour and feelings. You deserve and need this attention. Focusing on yourself doesnt mean that u let other people walk all over u and pretend not to notice, neither does it imply that u should stop caring about them. It really means that u acknowledge the situation as it is and look at your options instead of the options available to them. You have it within your power to change instead of expecting him to change (allow him this dignity to do so when and if he wishes) You will find that you will be able to lead a more managable life if you focus on your self and do not wait for someone else to change. Do what u can to make your life more managable for u. :l:l

[Evie.Lou]

I need your support

Tryphena;657066 wrote: Is it possible for moderate drinking to work?

That's a really complicated question and there is no black and white answer here.
I can't moderate drink but some can. Even if I could, I no longer WANT to try. A sober life is becoming as comfy as a well warn sweat and I don't want to EVER give it away !!!
Most alcoholic find it easier to STAY SOBER than to GET SOBER.So I won't count on it !!!
There is an old saying .once a "pickle" never a cucumber again.
I wish you all the best !!!:l