Hi everyone,
You people were so supportive to me a couple of weeks ago and I am very appreciative. So I thought I'd update how things are at the moment.
Where are we.... Day 14. Right, I'll go back to the beginning!
After our major row, and him telling me he was an alcoholic, we had 6 days drink free. He had nothing, no secret drinking, and I would know! He was incredibly grumpy. But I didn't make an issue out of anything, just let him do what he wanted without interference from me. On the sixth day, we were out in the car (I drive, he has a 3 year ban...) and he started talking about going to the pub for a pint after work... just the one. I was not happy, said I had made my position clear, and that I didn't think it was a good idea. But I stuck to what I had said, that he had a right to drink, but equally I had a right not to live with it.
I came on here, and browsed, and found the moderation threads. So I gave it a lot of thought and had said I would be prepared to discuss moderation. But I had three rules.
1) This is an alcohol free house. Period. No negotiation.
2) He must avoid red wine. I don't know why, but that is the worst for him. And he is only to drink white wine if we go for a meal, as that is a situation we can limit the amount easily, whereas at a party, BBQ or someting, wine is much more free flowing and more difficult to keep a track of.
3) If he does go for "a pint" after work, and feels he has had too much, he must stay at his friends' overnight. I explained I wouldn't be happy about it, but I'd rather that than him come home drunk.
He agreed to all of the above. So on day 7, he went for one pint after work and I picked him up from the pub. All ok.
Day 8... I picked him up and could tell straight away he'd had more than a pint. I challenged, gently, and was told he was in control of the drink. I guessed he'd had 2 or 3. But I didn't mention it again until following morning. I said to him if he had more than one, then he couldn't self-moderate, the drink had controlled him, not vice versa. Amazingly, he agreed.
Day 9.... 4 bottles of beer. 0.0% Coors beer! At first he said it tasted odd - then he looked at the ingredients, and I tried it, and said I could actually taste the hops, which sometimes is lost in strong beers. Being a health freak (I know, so why the alcohol abuse?) he was impressed and enjoyed them. He says it's habit, drinking, and he needs to find other things to do to break the habits... so this is a good substitute for the moment.
Day 10, he went out with his friend, whom he only sees once a fortnight. I feared the worst, thought he'd either come home drunk or stay at his friends. But to my surprise, he wasn't as bad as I thought! He was lucid, and happy. In the morning we had a chat, and he said for each pint he drank, he asked for a glass of water, and his friend drank two to his one. He normally would've kept up, but he wanted to come home and knew he couldn't if drunk.
Day 11... Coors 0.0%!
Day 12... nothing until 7pm, when he walked down the road to our local country pub, had a pint and was back within half an hour.
Day 13... as above
Day 14... Coors again.
In two weeks, he has drunk less than he did in a normal day before. He is feeling better, looking better, and we haven't argued, no fights, and Saturday night (Day 12), instead of walking on eggshells, my daughter and I were laughing with him all evening. He says he is happier, more in control, feels healthier and one thing that really got him thinking.... when he was in the pub for half hour Day 13 he noticed how drunk everyone else was! He said it's awful to see. And so he didn't go yesterday.
For us, moderation is working, but I have to make sure I don't veer from the house rules... that is where I need your support! In my car I have a large (1litre) bottle of Whisky that I won in a raffle on Friday (son's cricket club)... I've given it away, I just need to drop it off later. Before, I would've given it to my partner!
I am aware I have enabled him to drink to excess, and that is now over.
So what do you all think? I have not been to Al-anon yet, because I don't want him to think I have no faith in him/us... and the meetings are on a Monday evening which is awkward. If there was one during the day I would definitely go. But if I feel the need I'll go regardless... I'm just not deceitful and can't do it behind his back.
You people were so supportive to me a couple of weeks ago and I am very appreciative. So I thought I'd update how things are at the moment.
Where are we.... Day 14. Right, I'll go back to the beginning!
After our major row, and him telling me he was an alcoholic, we had 6 days drink free. He had nothing, no secret drinking, and I would know! He was incredibly grumpy. But I didn't make an issue out of anything, just let him do what he wanted without interference from me. On the sixth day, we were out in the car (I drive, he has a 3 year ban...) and he started talking about going to the pub for a pint after work... just the one. I was not happy, said I had made my position clear, and that I didn't think it was a good idea. But I stuck to what I had said, that he had a right to drink, but equally I had a right not to live with it.
I came on here, and browsed, and found the moderation threads. So I gave it a lot of thought and had said I would be prepared to discuss moderation. But I had three rules.
1) This is an alcohol free house. Period. No negotiation.
2) He must avoid red wine. I don't know why, but that is the worst for him. And he is only to drink white wine if we go for a meal, as that is a situation we can limit the amount easily, whereas at a party, BBQ or someting, wine is much more free flowing and more difficult to keep a track of.
3) If he does go for "a pint" after work, and feels he has had too much, he must stay at his friends' overnight. I explained I wouldn't be happy about it, but I'd rather that than him come home drunk.
He agreed to all of the above. So on day 7, he went for one pint after work and I picked him up from the pub. All ok.
Day 8... I picked him up and could tell straight away he'd had more than a pint. I challenged, gently, and was told he was in control of the drink. I guessed he'd had 2 or 3. But I didn't mention it again until following morning. I said to him if he had more than one, then he couldn't self-moderate, the drink had controlled him, not vice versa. Amazingly, he agreed.
Day 9.... 4 bottles of beer. 0.0% Coors beer! At first he said it tasted odd - then he looked at the ingredients, and I tried it, and said I could actually taste the hops, which sometimes is lost in strong beers. Being a health freak (I know, so why the alcohol abuse?) he was impressed and enjoyed them. He says it's habit, drinking, and he needs to find other things to do to break the habits... so this is a good substitute for the moment.
Day 10, he went out with his friend, whom he only sees once a fortnight. I feared the worst, thought he'd either come home drunk or stay at his friends. But to my surprise, he wasn't as bad as I thought! He was lucid, and happy. In the morning we had a chat, and he said for each pint he drank, he asked for a glass of water, and his friend drank two to his one. He normally would've kept up, but he wanted to come home and knew he couldn't if drunk.
Day 11... Coors 0.0%!
Day 12... nothing until 7pm, when he walked down the road to our local country pub, had a pint and was back within half an hour.
Day 13... as above
Day 14... Coors again.
In two weeks, he has drunk less than he did in a normal day before. He is feeling better, looking better, and we haven't argued, no fights, and Saturday night (Day 12), instead of walking on eggshells, my daughter and I were laughing with him all evening. He says he is happier, more in control, feels healthier and one thing that really got him thinking.... when he was in the pub for half hour Day 13 he noticed how drunk everyone else was! He said it's awful to see. And so he didn't go yesterday.
For us, moderation is working, but I have to make sure I don't veer from the house rules... that is where I need your support! In my car I have a large (1litre) bottle of Whisky that I won in a raffle on Friday (son's cricket club)... I've given it away, I just need to drop it off later. Before, I would've given it to my partner!
I am aware I have enabled him to drink to excess, and that is now over.
So what do you all think? I have not been to Al-anon yet, because I don't want him to think I have no faith in him/us... and the meetings are on a Monday evening which is awkward. If there was one during the day I would definitely go. But if I feel the need I'll go regardless... I'm just not deceitful and can't do it behind his back.
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