should i cut him off?

[sparrow]

Hi there everyone,

You already know I usually post on a different thread. this site has really helped me kick my daily wine habit. I saw myself going down a bad road using Al to deal with the stress mainly the stress of dealing with family issues.
That being said I have really come to value and respect all of your opinions.
Here's the story; My oldest son is an addict. He has been through tons of treatment. He's also been diagnosed with bi-polar, but usually he does fine and doesn't take medication.He's supposed to but usually he doesn't. He's 25 he lives in another state.
I have been helping him get through a training program on the condition that he stay sober and go to AA.
He's not... he got kicked out of AA more or less they told him he probably needed to go find his bottom.
This kid is a nightmare to me he never does anything he's supposed to. He's always really sweet "love you mom" and all of that.
I go to al-anon and go and go. I dont want to deal with this anymore.
His rent is paid thru Nov. because of school. Im not sending him money or anything. I dont know what hes doing but he moved some people into his apt.
Question? Should I cut off the cell phone? I pay for it. Its the only contact I have with him.
I really dont want him calling me or my elderly parernts. But if I do this I may never hear from him again. Its pretty scary.
Please help me I value all of your thoughts!

Sparrow

[lucky 2.0]

should i cut him off?

@ 25 I think it is time for him to pay his own bills. Just my humble opinion.

I would not just have the # shut off though. Call the company and tell them you give permission for a billing responsibility change. Then have your son call the company and they can run his credit and transfer the billing to his name.

[brittzak]

should i cut him off?

Sparrow,
It is time for him to hit his bottom. If he wants to talk to you...there are means other than his cell phone. He knows your number. By turning the cell phone off you are refusing to continue to pay a grown mans bills...not turning on your son...BIG DIFFERENCE! Tell him you are turning it off and that you can no longer carry him, but that you love him. Give you a call sometime!!!! I have a son too and he is my heart, I do not say this lightly because it would literally rip my heart out to say these words, but at some point he must grow into a man. My son is 11. I hope he doesn't plan to live here forever as much as I do love him. Time for some "YOU" time honey!!!!

[greeneyes]

should i cut him off?

Yup. Time for him to put on his big boy pants.

[adi]

should i cut him off?

Hello Sparrow,
Did he decide to go to rehab etc, or did he do it because of pressure, or to try to please you.
As with us all, he has to do it for himself. It seems like he isn't at that point yet.
I doubt if he'll stop with a housefull of mates, probably drinking etc.
Sound more like a ongoing party.
I would tell him you won't keep paying, but let him know you are there for moral, not financial support.

Hope anything I have said helps.
Good luck.
Andrew.

[namaste]

should i cut him off?

Yes, it's time to cut the apron strings. Don't worry, you will hear from him. Most kids are much more foregiving than you think they will be, once you step out of the equation. We have grown kids, and we still help them out, but they earn the money. They help around the house, all kinds of things. They know that we need help sometimes so they have learned that as a family we help each other out so it works out.

Good Luck, that 25 year old stage is the toughest...
di

[southernbelle47]

should i cut him off?

What they said!

[scrubbly]

should i cut him off?

Tough love still has the word LOVE as 50% of the phrase. Don't forget that! He is a man now and will understand if you stop supporting him, even if it's just a cell phone bill.

:l :l :l Good luck Sparrow.

[golfpro]

should i cut him off?

Sparrow - I have a little different take than most of the posts and probably most opinions. Keep the cell phone on and keep communicating with him. Make sure he stays in school and get's his degree. He is an adult, but hasn't grown up yet. He will eventually grow up. He may end up with a drinking/ addiction problem like most of us and will have to deal with that as well. Just my friendly advice.

[Gold]

should i cut him off?

Hi Sparrow,

Family issues certainly are a big source of stress.

You mention that your son has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and doesn't take medication for it as he seems to be doing well.

I don't know a lot about addiction, my own problem was a wine habit which is small beer (pardon the pun) compared to many I am sure, although it was a major problem for me until 33 days ago.

I do know something about bi-polar though as my sister has it. The way that bi-polar manifests is not the same for every person but in my experience the person with it can be extremely manipulative, lie, cheat, and carry most things to extremes.

My feeling is that the main problem is his bi-polar, to me that would explain in large part "This kid is a nightmare to me he never does anything he's supposed to. He's always really sweet "love you mom" and all of that."

I really cannot stress enough the effect bi-polar untreated has upon a person and their behaviour even if they seem fine. I could write a book about the things my sister has done.

I wouldn't cut off the cell phone but I can understand not wanting him to call you or your parents. As the contract is in your name is it possible to have those two numbers restricted so that he cannot call you or your parents?

Ultimately, you have and are doing all that you can, it is your son's choice to be as he is for now. I know that's hard but you have to think of yourself too.

[sparrow]

should i cut him off?

Thanks so much you guys.It's really hard when it come to your own kids.
I didn't cut the phone yet. butbi have stoppd taking calls. My dad promised not to send money.
My son is applying for SS for the bi-polar. I am going to al-anon and trying to stay out of it as much as possible
To answer your questions he WAS forced into numerous rehabs, and treatment for the psychiatric stuff.
He is already kicked out of school and I can't get a refund on the tuition.
Just trying to stay strong, not drink myself and pray for the best.
I can't tell you how much this forum is helping me.
Many thanks again.

Sparrow

[YoungAtHeart]

should i cut him off?

Hi Sparrow. A person with bipolar MUST take their medication. When they are feeling better, they convince themselves they don't need it, BUT THEY DO! He is not doing well if he is using alcohol or drugs! Alcohol and drug abuse is extremely common with bi-polar disorder as a way of self-medicating. It is so much better just to take your medication.

In my experience working with bi-polar people, they can be extremely manipulative, and it sounds like that is happening with your son. There is nothing you can do if your son has been recommended to leave AA and has been kicked out of school. He will probably be angry at first if you cut him off, but often this is the only way to help him stand on his own two feet.

We all have to decide for ourselves whether we choose to take care of ourselves and try to struggle for sobriety.

All the best to you. It is such a painful situation.

[Guest]

should i cut him off?

sparrow;703727 wrote: Thanks so much you guys.It's really hard when it come to your own kids.
I didn't cut the phone yet. butbi have stoppd taking calls. My dad promised not to send money.
My son is applying for SS for the bi-polar. I am going to al-anon and trying to stay out of it as much as possible
To answer your questions he WAS forced into numerous rehabs, and treatment for the psychiatric stuff.
He is already kicked out of school and I can't get a refund on the tuition.
Just trying to stay strong, not drink myself and pray for the best.
I can't tell you how much this forum is helping me.
Many thanks again.

Sparrow

Just trying to stay strong, not drink myself and pray for the best.

There ya go. Positive thoughts for you in your efforts.

Every situation, every life, can be so different. And there is no one set of rules that applies across the board.

I'm often still very much a child and appreciate support like a child would. I'm also very "overgrown up" in many ways, and always have been. I should be held accountable for every decision I make. Managing our way through the maze and doing our best under the circumstances .... I sense you are very caring. It wouldn't hurt so much otherwise, and you wouldn't want it to just stop if you weren't both very caring and human.

Prayers for your son. And you.

[Winefree]

should i cut him off?

Sparrow, Gold and Young at Heart are right. Many times bi-polar patients self medicate with booze. He needs mood stabilizing medication and should be under the care of a psychiatrist.
I know it must be maddening, since he is over 18 and you really can't do too much about it if he doesn't want to get help for himself.

Good luck, I will keep you and your son in my prayers.

Winefree