I left my husband now what?

[meika]

I recently as of four days ago left my husband bacause of his drinking ( which he has been doing for about a good two years .) Although it was very hard and upsetting it was something I realized I had to do.It took me a long time to realize that this is what I should have done to begin with but thought it would get better or would be different.I talked to him for the first time since I left late last night and it was strange and depressing but I feel this may have really Made him see the light.He admitted that he knows he has a problem and wants to fix it and told me how it he has been stressing over the situation and stressing out by not drinking...telling me how hard it is to adjust to choosing not to drink and dealing with it within himself and for himself.I am being (as much as I can be)supportive and I am listening to him.However, I am having a hard time adjusting to not being home.I truely feel I am in the way of his recovery and I think if I move back it will just make it harder instead of better.I don't know what to do...I still love him more than anything, we do not have any other problems except his drinking. We make money, we have no children yet, and we even made it through Hurricane Katrina just fine despite losing everything.We have been together for six years.I am so confused and in need of suggestions or advice. Should I go home?Am I able to?

[southernbelle47]

I left my husband now what?

I'm no expert here but going home too soon may not be a good idea. Has he made any step toward getting help? Dr. appointment or anything?
I think you are wise to take it slow . It is also good that there are no children involved........yet.......
Think long and hard about how that would be if you do go back before he gets started on help.
Are you in a safe place and taking care of yourself?
I know you love him, ..Sometimes love must be tough.

Just some food for thought.

Nancy:l

[Quiescent]

I left my husband now what?

Meika,

You can click on Roberta's Blog at the top of the page and download the book for free right now.

This program has helped many people, I am confident it can help your husband too.

Print it off today and give him a copy. You found us, here, now bring him here too!

There's even a place here just for guys if that's what he feels comfortable with.

This is a step in the right direction for you. :welcome:

[Allie]

I left my husband now what?

I think the advice Southernbelle gave was very good, but will add some personal thoughts as well. Having been on your husband's side of the fence, I also know what an "inner battle" he must be having. It sounds like he really loves you and WOULD stop cold turkey for you if it were that simple. I have struggled with the drinking issue for ten years of our 11 year marriage. I hid it for the first year as my husband travelled a lot during the week and so I wouldnt drink when he was home. I know the guilt I have felt over the years and have prayed to God more than anyone knows to please help me to just stop. I managed to keep it controlled (in other words, not getting drunk) but would have to have my drinks every night. Then due to several extremely stressful issues that we went through financially, etc. as well as my husband's travel load increasing, it began to get out of control. Finally in January of this year, we went through a real crisis and I turned to the wine more than ever to deal with the pain of it. After making a fool of myself one night, my husband told me that either I find help on my own and he would totally support me in whatever I chose, just so long as it was something I would be willing to pour myself into, or HE was going to get help for me. He also told me that much of the love he once felt for me had died over the years as he had felt very lonely when I am drinking. But the flip side is, I felt very lonely too as a result of him being gone almost every week Mon-Fri of our marriage, and so I drank. But I was terrified of losing my marriage as we have three children, and that is when I got online and found this site.

I just want to tell you that it has changed my life. Many here moderate and learn to drink like a "normal" drinker I guess, and learn to abstain completely. I have been doing this program since January and it works for me. I have been very open about it with my husband and he has supported me 100%. He is so proud of how far I have come and we have a brand new marriage. I can honestly say that I can "tell" he has fallen in love with me again and we are like two teenagers who cant keep their hands off each other most of the time! We have our life back and cant stand to be away from each other. But if he had chosen to leave me and not stay here to support me through this and help me be accountable, I dont know if I could have done it alone, especially with the added stress of him not living at home. I didnt mean to make this so long, but I just wanted you to get the other perspective of the one who struggles. He needs your support to do this. That may mean staying away for a while. I dont know your situation that well, but I hope that he understands how much you support him and that your desire is to reconcile once he makes a commmittment to some sort of treatment or program whether it be this, AA, or whatever. It also doesent happen overnight. I have "blown it" some on this 7-month journey, but he has remained proud of me as he sees me get back on track the next day and not stay in that place.

I wish you the best of luck and sounds like you both are willing to face this, so the battle is half fought!

All the best,
Allie

[meika]

I left my husband now what?

thanks

:thanks: For all the advice but I am still having a hard time with this. I am staying at my sisters and taking care as best as I can but I miss him and my cat dearly.And I still not sure what I am supposed to do now.

Meika

[gabby]

I left my husband now what?

My thoughts are....stay away only to think and sort your thoughts. And no one can tell you what to do Especially not him. Take your time and your answer will come to you. gabby

[Guest]

I left my husband now what?

I know this is hard

Understand that your husband is not doing this to hurt you. Being in his shoes many times I can honestly say my promises were whole hearted--however, I just could not stay sober. It is a tough battle because your mind plays tricks on you--and you really never intend to hurt anyone--unfortunately that is what happens though.

I ended going back to AA, because it is the only thing that keeps me sober. One night I had the good fortune to have some Alanon people sit in on our AA meeting. It was so eye opening to really see their pain. I would suggest an Alanon meeting because there you will find people with just the grandest hearts that have been through what you are going through. You will also meet people that are struggling with decisions just as you are. If you don't want to go to a face to face meeting--try on-line. I have to believe there are message boards.

Unfortuantely here we are the one's that stood in your husband's shoes--I think you really need to get advice from others that have stood in yours.

I wish both you and your husband the best. Its hard work--but it is worth it in the end.

Kim

[Guest]

I left my husband now what?

That's a really good idea, Kim.
To add to that, Meika, I think RJ has a few links for support groups of families. Alanon is one, but I know there are others. Books too. Search around a bit, and I'll drop RJ an email right now and see if she can get you those links, ok?
Yes, Like Kim and Allie, and I think a few others here, I was given the ultimatum in Feb: get your drinking under control or get OUT. I had no choice. We do have 2 small children and I love my life! Just kept getting waaaaaaay to drunk waaaaaay to often, and it was destroying everything.
Thank God I found this place, and I hope that you finding this place or a similar helping hand can get you and your husband back on track, and him on his way to sobriety. Does he know you came here? Just wondering.
OK, I'll email RJ now.
GOOD LUCK, I'm sure he loves you very much. This is hard, and I know it's a fine line to draw between being patient and what some may consider "enabling", but my husband supporting me in the end has meant everything to me. He didn't support me in the beginning. He just made fun and doubted. In a way, that fueled my fire, like "I'll show YOU!" and I did. After he saw that I was serious about getting my act together, he came around. Those first few weeks were rough though.
It will get better if you two truly want to make it work and if he can take a look at his drinking habits.
Take care.

[Roberta Jewell]

I left my husband now what?

Al Anon

Thanks, Becca and others. Meika, please visit AlAnon's online site.

I'll include their mission statement below and you can see if you think it might be of help. I've talked to a number of folks who have told me that the organization was a real life saver.

I wish you the very best.

RJ



What is Al-Anon?




The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.



Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization, or institution; does not engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any cause. There are no dues for membership. Al-Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.



Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic

[Guest]

I left my husband now what?

This is happening to me how do I stop it??

Hi,
I read these threads and am in floods of tears.
That may sound so in touch, but if you saw me and knew me you'd know that that in itself is fairly remarkable.
I have a drink problem and my wife has finally quit me after 5 1/2 years together and I don't know if she will ever come back, even if I'm straight.
My problem is that I drink to excess often, at least once per week in massive binges - often consuming masses of alcohol (say 12 pints of strong beer, or 2 pints of spirit) to the point where I am totally destructive in what I say to her and how I behave towards her.
She is so special, she is beautiful inside and out and I really can't blame her for leaving - I was an asshole and deserve it.
I want her back, and I understand about tough love so perhaps she is doing this, but as much as I hope so, I'm 80% sure I've destroyed us.

We met 5.5 years ago whilst I was having a tough time of it with my then wife. She and I had been together for 10 years and I had started and was running a successful business. This meant that we had all the trappings and toys but I worked a lot. Cutting it a little short, one day she told me she no longer loved me and wanted out. I was devastated and after a short battle trying to save my marriage, lost the will and gave up.

The very same night I decided enough was enough I met Vicki. We had an amazing time, and we inseparable from then on apart from a few times where I needed to take care of assest disposal or business closure. We quickly fell in love - real love.
We didn't have a care in the world - she had had a rough time with her family, and me with mine and we seemed to click straight away - before either of us knew about the others problems - I had found a soul mate. I respected her, and defended her, helped her get over her own issues and she did the same for me.
We spent many hours together, just talking, laughing and joking, doing mad spur of the moment things, and generally enjoying ourself. Making love with her, was and still is, fantastic.
I still love making love to her 5 odd years on. Apart from us both having extra weight on us so we aren't so adventurous or frequent, the lovemaking is just as good as it was when we first met.
She is a remarkable woman, but all I seem to do is destroy us - looking down on what she is trying to acheive and what she does, is part of the issue - yet when I describe her to others, like here and now, I rave about her. I'm so proud of her acahiechevments, she has come a long way in 5.5 years, that is for sure. She is now honestly self assured, intellectually stimulating to talk to - a real clever debator and can argue a good case for anything. And a good business woman - she is trying to turn around the failing pub and is succeeding slowly.

What is happening to me? I used to be a loving, caring, and fun guy with a good grasp of how to live my life to the full.
This has all happened over the last 8-12 months. Late last year I found out that I could not easily have children without IVF.
I said it was ok, but deep down and underneath, I was changed. I became bitter, venomous and envious of anything good.
I started drinking much heavier than before, but mostly when I was away on business so I could hide it. Often consuming 50-60 GBP worth at a hotel bar until I was legless.
I started making a concerted effort to get fit again, joined a gym, and stopped staying away from home so much - all this did was push my drinking into our personal time. I've had it under control after a warning from her earlier in the year. Until last Tuesday.
She has been running the local pub, and says it's what she wants to do. I found every negative reason why she shouldn't, mostly based upon selfish reaons, and usually convincingly put but in an agressive nature - jealousy was the main one - she was having fun without me.
I have done much soul searching to get to this point, and want to make things right. So how do I win her back? She says she still loves me, and says she always will but can't face living with me as she despises what I've become, and so do I.
If I lose her for good, I will be so broken and damaged I fear I may lose it altogether. I am a rational person and so that is hard for me to admit.
I am really struggling to keep it together - I have a responsible job as a company director (VP) and I love it and am good at it, and travel is part of that.
I would quit that in a heartbeat if that's what she wanted.
I just want her and me to be happy, make a few kids and have a purpose together.
Wow this is a long short message 'to see what they say'.
All advice will be greatfully received.
Andy

[Guest]

I left my husband now what?

Admission

Hi
I wanted to add that though I was in bits when I read it out, Vicki asked me to read it to her as I'd phoned to see how she was.
I read out a lt of the other threads as that was what got my attention and helped the flood gates to open!
She feels better now that she understands a little more about me and why I was behaving the way I was.
She won't come home, and to be honest I know now that that is best for us both right now.
I have the oppoertunity to take on a small room in a house, and I may do that so I too can be away from the house - I feel much better and clearer headed when I'm out.
Anyway, we are both more positive, although it's a long and tough road, I am more positive about the future for us. A little anyway.
Andy

[mojomuppet]

I left my husband now what?

oh nooooooo

I do not agree with splitting with your husband.Only if you plan to leave him should you dump him in a time when he is gonna try to change his whole life. you have proven your point you have the ammo to give him now lets get on with it.If you only knew what it was like to have someone take him from you and you not have a choice your tune would not be the same.Go to a meeting .Heck go to two meetings if thats what it takes but dont leave your husband, its not the answer. Good luck to you and yours:l

[Guest]

I left my husband now what?

Left

Hi mojomuppet, thanks for your comments, she's already left though - I don't blame her, but she did not know about my drinking.
She does now, and that seems to have changed things a little, but I dare not push too hard.
Thanks

Andy

[Guest]

I left my husband now what?

Brother

Youre fine Brother !!! I'll be there for you

xxx
Wolfey

[mojomuppet]

I left my husband now what?

The last question she asked was should i go home. My answer is yes! Dont make it harder by ripping the unit apart. Just my two cents.