I use to go to AL Anon about 10 years ago. It was before I realized that I too in fact had an addiction to alcohol or possibly my addiction hadn't progressed into what it is today. I had always promised myself that if I was ever putting someone else in the pain I was going through in AL Anon that I would stop drinking. So here it is, I'm 50 days AF because I was scared I was abusing alcohol and it was affecting people I love. I've worked hard at this and feel very thankful to MWO. I realize that 50 AF days does not take me out of "the woods" by a long shot, but it has given me much needed perspective in my life to continue to strive for sobriety. Here is my problem, I've posted two posts about it in the Just Starting Out Sober October thread, but It feels kinda like a biggie problem that I don't want to distract from all of the other folks on the thread while we string along our AF days.
My boyfriend has been supportive of my decision to become AF because we would get into terrible fights when we both were drinking. He also had some concerns over me stopping completely and expected that I'd moderate once I gained "control" over my drinking. I am sorry for this long story... but I am struggling pretty bad today with his abuse of alcohol last Friday evening and how he treated me when he came home.
I met him about 13 years ago. We dated for almost a year and I ended it because of his drinking. Not that I really saved myself from anything as I proceeded to date alcoholic after alcoholic for the next decade. Now that I'm dealing with my own alcoholism I'm obviously realizing I probably choose booze hounds so I could drink as much as I wanted and point fingers at them instead of taking responsibility for my own actions. A lot of times, I truly felt I'd fell victim to their alcohol abuse. I justified my own drinking because of it... vicious circle now very obvious. I think I also developed a can't beat um, join um attitude. All real BS stuff I was doing.
We re-kindled our romance over a decade later through e-mail. I asked a lot of questions about how his drinking situation was going because I was concerned about putting myself out there. He had mentioned he had crashed his car in a DUI and had spent some time in jail for it. That it had changed his life and he stopped drinking for 6 months. Later I find out that there was a domestic dispute tacked on to his charges the same month as his DUI and that is the real reason he'd spent as much time as he did in jail. Also, since then I've learned from him that he had hit rock bottom with drinking was very depressed, over weight and just wanted a fresh start. He jumped parole (where he was forced to take antabuse and attend AA meetings).
He started his life fresh and has worked his way up the corporate ladder being able to drink in moderation. But he has left a big mess with warrants. (He hasn't been back in almost 11 years so I don't know if there is a statue of limitations or what the deal is.) I found it hard to moderate my own drinking, but I tried my best to mirror what he was doing. I was actually impressed with how far I'd seen him come from the man I remember being very outlandish with his drinking behavior. Also it felt like I was making headway in my own drinking habits... so it seamed but then I had to STOP.
As I've tried to moderate my own drinking over the past year and months I'd dealt with cravings... etc.. so when I'd had enough of my own drinking problems... I found it a little more manageable to go AF. Without MWO I'd still be trying to moderate and failing. I am so relieved to be sober it's much better, I have so much more self respect. Now I am at a real disturbing point in my journey. I'm realizing that my boyfriend hasn't got much of a grip on his drinking as I had thought. Unless he's like many I've scene in the forum "slip" sometimes.. and then get right back up and re-gain control again. I could see that maybe I could slip sometime and I'm so scared of it happening to me... It's so confusing and hard. I don't want to judge but if I don't look at it seriously how do I avoid disaster? Anyway, last Friday in fact He behaved exactly like the man I remember attacking me with slurred words many years ago. Blaming it on "work" related socializing.
He has come so far and been so supportive in my sobriety for my 50 AF days. But I'm very worried and tired after dealing with him last Friday night. It was very discouraging as we just picked up my engagement ring a week prior. I know he feels terrible probably worse then he's letting on. I'm trying to handle this as best I can. He's really been there for me and I feel like if it were not for him, and this relationship I might not have decided to look at my addiction to alcohol and do something about it. I'm pretty discouraged and I don't want to leave him, be a hipocrate, or make ultamatiums. I just needed to write about whats happening because I feel anger building up and I don't want to explode or implode.
Thanks for listening, sorry for this long all over the place post.:h
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